22
After it had gotten late enough for them, Teddy carted me back to my apartment.
“You’re not going to be stupid, are you?”
He went the extra mile of walking me to my door. Like he thought I was going to go in and go back to hitting the bottle. All my bottles were empty, and I was broke for the rest of the month. No more hooch for me. But I waved away his concern and went inside to crash on my couch. Exhaustion hit me, and I crashed hard, not caring about the time or how uncomfortable my couch would make me.
I don’t know how many hours of sleep I managed, but as soon as the light hit my eyes, I groaned out in protest. Goddamn me for having the bright idea of drinking my sorrows away. I sat up and stretched out slowly. My back ached, my hips ached, and my left leg was all pins and needles. Plus my head throbbed, and it felt like I had a mouth full of cotton. I struggled to my feet and stumbled into the kitchenette for water. I also needed to start my pill regiment for the day. I went about my morning in a blur, not quite sure what exactly I wanted to do with myself. I didn’t have an epiphany about my situation until I was soaping up in the shower. I had been running on autopilot, and my general idea was to lurk at the bar like I used to. It didn’t require thought, and someone might throw me a bone with something to work on.
“If I want something,” I said aloud as I began to rinse. “I should fight for it.”
Cindy was right. So was Wilson. I got out the shower and decided the best thing to do was see if there wasn’t something to hash out with Madi. I dressed, opting for a pair of jeans and simple black shirt. I put my stash into my saddlebag and hopped onto my ride; time to face the music.
I felt lucky when I saw her car in her driveway, followed by immediate dread. The last Sunday she and I spent together it was mostly us just laying in bed, alternating between snoozing and sex. What I wouldn’t give to just be curled up next to her in bed. I sat in front of her house as I tried to steel myself. There was a very good chance she would turn me away, and there was nothing like having a woman tear up your heart right in front of you. I still had her key, unless she went the extra mile to change her locks. I couldn’t be a dick though. I couldn’t just go barging into her house.
That decided, I got off my bike and followed the little path to her front porch. My bike had already announced me. If she was home, she would have heard me pull into the quiet little neighborhood. I pulled out my keys and fished through the ring until I came across hers. I held up my keys on the ring, looking at it hard like it had the answers as to how to fix this; like it could tell me what to say.
I knocked, keeping her key in hand. If she demanded it, I would have to give it up. I knew this, and I couldn’t argue. It was hers after all. But, maybe, I could get her to see reason. But the door remained shut. I looked at the little hole covered in glass, and I wondered if she was glaring at me through it. Did she hate me? I knocked again, straining my ears to see if I would be able to hear anything.
“I know you’re home,” I said to her door. “I just..” I paused feeling like a jackass. “I just want to explain what happened. I’ve not lied to you so far, and there’s no reason for me to start now. Give me the chance to tell you what went down before you decide to cut me out.”
I got silence, and I knocked again, a little harder. “Madi, please,” I pressed my brow to her door. “Please, c’mon.”
There was no answer, and it was decided. I started to work her key off the ring.
“For what it’s worth,” I could hear my voice crack with emotion. “I’m innocent. Something along the lines of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I followed Jimmy out there because I had a feeling he was getting into some bad shit.” Once I had her key wrestled off my ring I held it up to her peephole in the event she was looking out it. “I have court in a couple of weeks, come find out for sure if I’m innocent if you want.”
I stood there, waiting to see if she would open the door; if she would say anything. I got nothing.
“I meant it, you know,” I said against her door, being quiet enough, so I didn’t have to worry about her neighbors hearing me embarrass myself to her. “I love you. I get why you’re doing this, but I think you should at least hear me out.” I tapped the key against her door, “I promised not to break your heart if you promised not to break mine.”
Still nothing.
“Fuck,” I sighed and turned.
I tried, right? There’s an A for effort for that, right?
I sat down heavily on her front step and tried not to let her lack of an answer get to me. I kept her key in my hand as I tried to figure out where to go from here.
“I guess this is it, huh?” I said to the key like it would give me an answer. “No chance to argue my case, no chance to beg for forgiveness. I get fucked over not once, but twice; both in a serious way.”
I turned so I could put the key on the door mat, grimacing as I felt the tightness in my chest start to burn its way up my throat.
“I wouldn’t have done this to you, just so you know,” I said to her door again. “I would have given you the chance to explain yourself because I love you. Because you do enough for me that I would want to forgive you and not lose you… I guess it’s not the same for you.”
I forced myself up and trudged my way to my bike. I had to get out of there before I broke. I had be strong, nothing like putting up a front for how broke up you are. I got on my bike without a real thought of where to go, letting the grumbled growl of my bike soothe me.