MY GRANDMA USED TO talk about people who went white as a ghost, and when I was little, I liked to imagine what that looked like. I never saw it actually happen until I told Flynn that he was a father.
I stayed quiet for a full moment after the words flew out of my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say it so abruptly; over the past twenty-four hours, I’d rehearsed over and over in my head how I’d say it. I planned to be calm and matter-of-fact and contrite. But I’d forgotten how much fire this man stirred in me. He could make me so mad that I wanted to scream. And at this moment, despite how my heart was pounding in trepidation, my hands itched to grab his face and kiss him senseless.
Now, though, I just stayed perfectly still, waiting for him to process what I’d said. I watched as disbelief morphed to shock which gave way to realization and . . . yep, we were back to shock.
“You had my baby?” He spoke so quietly that I had to lean forward again to hear him clearly. “You were pregnant, and you never told me.”
This was the part I’d been dreading. I had to try to explain something that I didn’t quite understand myself: how I’d justified keeping Bridget a secret from her father.
“I didn’t know when you left. I think . . . I’m pretty sure it happened the night before graduation.”
Flynn’s eyes dropped, and I wondered if he remembered that night as vividly as I did. It’d been our last night together, but at the time, we thought we were one the cusp of the greatest adventure of our lives.
“When did you find out? That you were pregnant?” He spoke in even, quiet words.
I caught the corner of my lip between my teeth. “About a month after you left. I didn’t even think of it, and I was so . . . well, like I said before. It was really a bad time.” I pushed that memory away. “By the time it dawned on me . . . and I took a test . . . I was over eight weeks along.”
Flynn nodded, as though I’d just given him a weather report. “And once you knew, it never occurred to you to call me? Just a head’s up? You know, ‘Hey, Flynn, what’s new with you? Oh, by the way, I’m having your baby.’”
“You weren’t here.” I covered my face with my hands. “You were gone, and you’d told me that night that nothing or no one was going to hold you back. When I asked you to stay with me, you told me that if you did, you’d end up hating me. Resenting me. So strangely enough, the idea of asking you to come back was not very appealing.”
He exhaled a long breath, moving back away from me. “God, Ali. You knew I was mad that night. I didn’t mean all that. I was—” He ran his hand through his hair. “I was hurt.”
“Yeah, well, you sounded dead serious to me.” I slumped in the overstuffed chair. “Tell me something, Flynn. And be brutally honest. If I had gotten in touch with you and said I was pregnant, what would you’ve done?”
His eyes shifted to the floor. “I’d have come home. I would’ve been here for you. And no way would I’d have let Craig Fucking Moss raise my child.”
“Really?” I hugged my arms around my ribs. “And just what would you’ve done then? Gone to school, when you hadn’t applied anywhere? Moved in with Sam and me at the farm, gotten a job?” I laughed, dry and mirthless. “You would’ve hated that. And pretty soon, you’d have hated me. So tell me how much better everything would be now if I’d told you I was pregnant. Like it or not, Flynn, I did you a favor. I gave you the freedom to find what you were looking for.”
“You took the decision away from me by never letting me know.” His anger was palpable, and I grit my teeth, curling back into the chair.
“Flynn, I get it that you’re furious with me. I understand that. I know this is shock, but can’t we—”
“You fucking bitch.”
I jerked my head around to where Maureen stood in the doorway to the living room, her hands fisted at her side and her eyes blazing. Behind her, Meghan bit her lip, meeting my eyes helplessly. We’d agreed she would break the news to Maureen while I faced Flynn. Clearly it hadn’t gone well for either of us.
“How could you do that to him? How could you not tell us? My God, Ali, I was your best friend. We told each other everything, and you couldn’t tell me you were having my brother’s baby? What the hell’s wrong with you?”
Flynn stepped toward her, with his hands palm out. “Reenie, I’ve got this. It’s not your battle.”
“Bullshit. She was my friend, Flynn. For all these years I’ve been living in this town with her, while it turns out I have niece right here, going to school with Graham.” She swung back to face me. “You kept her from her family. My father died never knowing he had another grandchild. And you let it happen.”
Tears stung my eyes. “I never meant to keep her from you. But telling you would be the same as telling Flynn, and . . .” I gripped the arms of the chair, digging my fingers into the rough fabric. “As I told him, I didn’t know what to do. I was alone, except for Sam, and I just couldn’t lay that on him. He had so much weight on his shoulders already.”
“We would’ve been happy to share the burden.” Reenie’s mad had given way to hurt. “Mom and Dad, Iona and me . . . we would’ve been here for you.”
“I think maybe instead of rehashing what happened back then, we should let Ali and Flynn figure out what they’re going to do from here on out.” Meghan stood behind Maureen.
Flynn sat down again across from me, on the sofa. “I want to see her. Does she know about me? Does she think Craig is her father?”
I shook my head. “She doesn’t really know anything. Bridget never knew Craig, because he left when she was an infant. I’ve never mentioned him to her. She asked me about her father a few years back, and I told her . . .” I took a deep breath. “I told her that her father loved her very much, but that he couldn’t be with us. I never gave her anyone’s name.”
He nodded once, short and curt. “So you tell her now that I’m here. And I’ll come out to see her.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “Today. I want this to happen now.”
“How do you think she’s going to take it?” Maureen glanced at me. “Should you have someone there? Like a professional?”
“Bridget is one of the most well-adjusted kids I’ve ever met.” Meghan dared a smile. “I think if you’re honest with her, and keep it simple, she’ll be fine.” She paused, as though debating whether or not to go on. “I understand it hurts you both that you didn’t know Bridget was part of you. But I want you to know that this child is loved, and she’s happy. Sam is an amazing uncle, and Ali . . . she’s like super-mom. Bridge is smart and funny and respectful . . . she’s already a talented artist.” Meghan turned to Maureen. “She probably got it from your dad, like you told me last summer. Didn’t you say he used to be a mason?”
Reenie nodded. “Yeah, when he first came over to this country, and then during the summers after he started teaching. He made the prettiest fireplaces and stone walls.” She sniffled, making me wonder if she was choking back sobs.
“Okay.” I stood up, looping my purse over my shoulder. “So the first step is telling Bridget.” I twisted the strap of the bag around my fingers. “I’ll call you when we’re ready for you to come over.”
“Don’t drag your feet on this.” If there was a subtle threat in Flynn’s words, I chose to ignore it. “I’ve already been robbed of eight years with my daughter. I don’t want to miss anymore.” He dug into the back pocket of his jeans and pulling out a brown leather wallet, slid out a white business card. “My number’s on there.”
“I don’t want you to miss any more, either. Believe it or not, Flynn, I want my daughter to know her father.” I was surprised to realize it was true. Now that the hardest part was over, I was relieved and ready to move on.
For a moment, we all stood awkwardly, staring at each other. There wasn’t anything to say, and yet just walking out the door felt wrong. I could tell Meghan was itching to go; she’d missed another day of classes today in order to come here with me, and now she wanted to get back to Sam.
I glanced at Flynn. “I know this is going to take a while to digest. I understand that you’re angry and hurt. I hope that we can get past it and . . .” I tried to think of what I wanted to say. “Parent our child together. If that’s what you want.”
I didn’t know what I expected from him. Maybe on some level I hoped he’d take two steps closer and pull me into his arms. Not anything lusty or leading to a declaration of life-long love, but maybe just comfort. Understanding.
Instead he raised one eyebrow. “I’ll be waiting for that call.”
Sam was sitting on the front porch when we got home. Meghan and I pulled around to the back door and walked through the house to find him.
Meghan opened the screen door and went straight for the swing, sitting down next to my brother and curling her body into him. He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, glancing up at me. “So how’d it go?”
I dropped into a wicker chair. “It went. I told him. He hates me. So does Maureen.” I leaned my forehead into my hand and massaged. I had a wicked headache brewing there. “I have to talk to Bridge when she gets home, then he’s coming over to see her.”
“That’s fast.” Sam rubbed the side of Meghan’s arm and then tilted her chin up with one finger. “You okay?”
“Maureen is so mad at me.” Her voice was muffled against his arm. “She asked me how I could keep something like that from her.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I was so tired, so completely exhausted. And the fun wasn’t quite over yet today. “If I hadn’t told you last year, you wouldn’t have known either. All of this comes down to me, and the decisions I made.” I nudged Meghan’s knee with the tip of my shoe. “Don’t sweat it, kiddo. Reenie’ll come around. She gets mad fast but never holds a grudge. It’s the Irish, I think.”
“That’s why she didn’t talk to you for almost nine years?”
Ouch. “That was as much me as her. I think she started to thaw toward me after Craig left town, but I never let her. I was afraid if I did, I’d end up telling her the truth.” A loud whoosh of air brakes signaled the arrival of Bridget’s bus. My stomach tumbled. “Guess it’s time to face the music. Again.”
“Ali, do you want to talk to her alone? Sam and I can go upstairs.”
I shook my head. “If it’s all the same, I’d rather you stay. I’m going to need all the help I can get.”
Within a few minutes, my beautiful daughter came bounding up the long driveway. Her dark curls bounced on top of her backpack, and her red sneakers kicked up a cloud of dirt behind her. My heart swelled; this child was the love of my life, the one shining gift in decades of loss and pain. There wasn’t a blessed thing I wouldn’t do for her.
She began calling me as soon as she spotted us on the porch. “Mommy! Maisie invited me to her birthday party next month and it’s going to be in Savannah at the pirate restaurant where you went with Uncle Sam and Aunt Meghan last year and we’re gong to walk around and maybe even see ghosts.” She finished in a burst of breath as she climbed the steps to the porch. “I can go, right? Please?”
I pulled her up onto my lap, remembering with a pang when she’d fit so easily under my chin, tucked in a ball. Now her arms and legs were becoming gangly, and her face was losing some of the sweet baby chub. My little one was growing up. And now I had to learn how to share her.
“We’ll talk about it, sugar, okay?” I stroked back her hair. “Listen, do you want a snack? Some milk and some of those yummy peanut butter cookies Aunt Meghan made?”
“Yes, please!” She made to wriggle off my lap, but I held on, glancing at Meghan. She nodded and pushed off Sam’s chest.
“Why don’t you stay out here with your mom, and I’ll bring all of us a snack? Babe, you want milk or coffee?”
“There’s still some in the pot from earlier. I can just heat that up.” He began to rise, but Meghan gently pushed him back.
“No, you stay out here with the girls.” She leaned down to kiss his cheek, causing my daughter to fake gag.
Meghan tugged on one of her curls as she passed. “Watch it there, Miss Bridget, or I’ll sit on his lap when I come back out.”
“No!” Bridge clutched her throat and pretended to pass out.
“All right, Sarah Heartburn.” My brother shifted, making the swing screech. “So tell us what else happened today besides Maisie’s party invite. How did the math test go?”
“Good. I think I got it all right.” Bridget slid off my lap onto the porch floor and shrugged off her backpack. Unzipping it, she pulled out her folder. “No homework this weekend ‘cause we all turned in our projects this week.”
“Sounds good.” I opened the folder and flipped through the papers without really seeing them. Meghan backed through the door carrying a tray with cups and a plate of cookies.
After she’d passed around the goodies, I leaned down to squeeze my daughter’s shoulder. “Hey, sweetie, I need to talk to you.”
“Uh huh.” She broke her cookie in half and dipped into her milk.
I took a deep breath. “I want to tell you about your father.”
“Okay.” She didn’t even look up at me, absorbed in her snack.
“Bridge. This is kind of important. Your dad’s here. He wants to see you.”
Now she did turn her head to look at me. “Here? At the farm?”
“No, in town.” I paused. “Do you want to see him?”
Bridget stretched out her legs. “Yeah. Is he nice?”
I quirked one eyebrow. Well, that remains to be seen. “Of course he is. He’s very nice, and he has a wonderful family.” I hesitated a minute and then added, “You know Graham Fowler? From your class? Your father is his uncle. Which makes Graham your cousin.”
Her mouth dropped open. “I have a cousin?” She spoke with breathless surprise. “What else do I have?”
Sam turned a laugh into a cough, and I shot him a warning look. “Well, you have two other aunts. And a grandmother.”
“A grandma?” Bridget’s eyes shone. “So next time it’s Grandparents Day at school, can I bring my grandma?”
The excitement in her face made my heart drop. I’d never realized how much my daughter had felt she was missing, how much I’d denied her by keeping the truth from both Flynn and her.
“Well, honey, we can ask.”
“Cool. When is my dad coming over?”
It was, apparently, as easy as that. “I have to call him. You’re ready to see him now? Today?”
“Uh huh.” Bridget stuffed the last cookie into her mouth and then talked around it. “Uncle Sam, do you know my dad?”
Sam’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped. “Uh . . . yeah, I do. At least, I knew him before, when he lived in Burton.”
“Is he nice? Do you like him?”
Sam glanced at me. A mix of expressions crossed his face. “Yes. Yes, he’s very nice. He’s a good man, and you should be proud to have him as your father. He loves you very much.” My brother grinned at me, and I knew he meant to be encouraging. “But you have lots of people who love you. Your mom, of course, who’s been here for you every single day of your life, and Aunt Meghan, who’s the coolest aunt ever—” He winked at his girlfriend, who rolled her eyes. “And me. I’ve loved you since the day you were born. Even though you screamed at night and kept me awake when you were a baby.”
I stood up. “True that. Okay, let me make this call. And then someone’s going to get me some more cookies, since some little piggy ate them all up.” I tickled Bridget under her arm as I walked past, dialing Flynn’s number to the sweet accompaniment of my daughter’s laughter.