The next morning, I’m all kinds of nervous as I sit in the waiting room of Jack’s offices after being told he’s expecting me. I can’t figure out if I’m jittery because Stephanie could turn up again, or whether I’m worried about telling him that I’m pregnant. I don’t have time to ponder for long. Jack strides out of his office towards me, fastening the button of his suit jacket. He looks washed out, absolutely knackered, but his face lights up when his eyes meet mine. He has no tie on today – just a white shirt open at the collar, and his jacket and trousers. His hair isn’t as neatly styled as the last time I encountered him in his office. It’s no wonder, really. I think yesterday took a lot out of both of us.

In contrast, my ripped skinny jeans are worn, my T-shirt oversized and creased, and my flip-flops are highly inappropriate for a supposed business meeting.

Jack nods to the lady on reception. She gives him a half-smile, almost sympathetic. Has he made it public knowledge? Has he told people that he’s left Stephanie? I start to fidget in my chair, my nerves accelerating.

‘Miss Ryan,’ Jack says quietly, holding his hand out to me.

I accept his offering. ‘Mr Joseph,’ I reply, feeling him pull discreetly to help me to my feet, as though he senses I need the support. He’d be right. I feel drained. I lay awake last night and agonised over telling Jack my news. I feel like I should be the one easing his stress, not adding to it. ‘Thank you.’ I feel him squeeze my hand gently before releasing it and gesturing ahead.

‘My office is this way,’ he tells me.

This is utterly stupid. Mr Joseph? Miss Ryan? Telling me his office is this way? Yes, I know, because he screwed me on the desk. Besides, doesn’t his receptionist remember me from when I was here for the meeting with Brawler’s? I feel her looking at me as I pass. She looks suspicious, peeking over her glasses with interest as we pass by. I’m not helping matters when I blush bright red and cough, quickly avoiding her eyes.

‘She’s looking at us funny,’ I whisper as we walk side by side towards Jack’s office. Our arms are brushing with every pace, the brief touches making my breathing even more shallow. Physical contact between us has rendered me breathless from our very first encounter. Now is no exception, despite the horrible circumstances.

‘You’re being paranoid,’ he whispers back, taking the doorknob and opening the door for me. ‘After you.’ He gives me a little wink, trying to relax me. I hide my secret smile and enter his office, turning as soon as the door shuts behind me. He swoops me from my feet and carries me to one of the couches, sitting with me draped across his lap, holding me as close to him as he possibly can. ‘Jesus, it feels like I’ve been waiting forever for this.’ He devotes some quiet time to lavishing me with sweet kisses and tender touches to my face, fussing over me like I need to be fussed over. ‘How did you sleep?’ he asks, cupping my face and following up his question with a rub of our noses.

‘Terribly,’ I admit. ‘I couldn’t get Stephanie out of my head.’ Jack nods his understanding. ‘She was in such a state.’

‘I know, baby. It’s awful to see, but I have to stay strong even if it makes me seem heartless. This is for the best, not just for us, but for her too. She can’t be happy in this loveless marriage.’

I go limp in his lap, wishing I could rip every thought tormenting me from my mind and be numb to it all. ‘I feel so guilty,’ I whisper. I decide here and now that tomorrow I’m going to church. I’m not religious, but God’s there for everyone, right? He doesn’t turn his back on a soul. I’ll confess my sins and pray for forgiveness. I hope he forgives me. I might hate Stephanie for what she’s done to Jack, but I still feel guilty. I’m both annoyed and comforted by it.

‘Hey.’ Jack nudges me from my hiding place, his face falling when he finds I’m tearing up. His lips press together as he runs a soft pad of a fingertip beneath my eye, catching the tear before it falls. ‘Baby, did you plan this?’ he asks seriously. ‘And when I say plan, I mean did you wake up one morning and decide you were going to go out to a bar and fall in love with a married man?’

When he puts it like that . . . ‘No.’

‘Have you killed anyone?’

‘Jack,’ I sigh quietly. ‘It doesn’t make it right.’

‘I’m not saying it does, Annie. What I’m saying is that you are not a bad person. You’re not evil or calculating or manipulative. You fell in love. If that’s a crime, then we’ll be in love together in hell.’

‘You make it sound acceptable.’

‘I’m trying to get my head straight. That’s all.’ He laughs lightly under his breath, the sound full of misery that he’s trying so hard to keep from me. ‘I’ve left Stephanie because she made it impossible to love her. I left her because if I stay, there will be nothing left of me. I left her because I want to be happy.’ He pinches my chin a little. ‘I want you to be happy. With me.’

‘I know,’ I admit, smiling a little, but it’s sad and it’s strained. ‘What happens now?’

‘I have a place near Maida Vale. There are tenants serving a few weeks’ notice. It’ll be empty by the end of the month. Until then I’ll shack up in a hotel.’

‘I’ll be able to see you?’

‘Fancy moving in with me?’ he kids, smiling when I grin. He could be shacked up in a tent on a crummy campsite for all I care. There would be nothing to stop me being with him. But I also get the feeling there’s more meaning laced between the words of his question, and it has me gathering my inner strength to tell him what I need to tell him.

‘Jack—’

‘I’ve agreed to see Stephanie this evening,’ he blurts out, and my announcement gets caught on my lips. ‘I wanted you to know so you don’t think there’s anything in it other than . . .’

‘Other than what?’ I push my body away from his a little, damning myself for being so obviously slighted and worried.

‘Other than talking like grown-ups about the arrangements.’

‘Didn’t you talk last night? When you called her?’

‘Last night all I cared about was getting her out of your flat.’

‘So you agreed to see her.’

‘It was the only way. I can’t go back on my word, Annie. Anyway, she said she’s thinking more clearly and thinks some time apart could do us good.’

‘Time apart?’ I question, not liking the sound of that.

He shrugs. ‘It’s breathing space. Time for her to get used to the idea. I’m not going to rock the boat and refuse her half an hour of my time if I get a lot more in return. Like my whole life. Trust me. I know what I’m doing.’

This is a ploy. It has to be. I listened to Stephanie last night and I watched her. She’s a desperate woman. She’ll do anything to keep him. Which brings me to something else . . .

I suddenly feel desperate myself, but I suck back my news and try to reason with myself. I can’t tell him that I’m pregnant now. He’s right. I have to trust him to do what he thinks is right, even if it kills me to let him. He’s undeniably in a mind-fuck, and I can’t add to that. I can’t make this any harder for him. I have to be patient, and I have to reasonable. After all, it is me who gets him when all this is over. It’s me who gets to have my happily-ever-after with the only man I have ever loved. The only man I’ve ever shared such a deep connection with, on every level. ‘Okay.’ I push the word out. ‘I’ll go to Lizzy’s.’ I can’t be alone at home thinking. I’ll go mad.

He nods. ‘How is she, by the way? And Micky?’

‘They think I’ve lost my mind.’ I tell it as it is. ‘But they’re here for me.’

‘I’m glad.’ Jack pulls me back down to his chest. ‘I love you, Annie.’ He breathes in deeply, squeezing me so tightly. ‘I love your passion, I love your mind, I love how you pout across the rim of your cup when you’re thinking. I love it when you fidget when you’re anxious.’ His lips push into the back of my head, and I smile a little, loving him telling me all of this. ‘And I love your U2 T-shirt, especially when you wear nothing else with it.’ Breaking out of his hold, I find his face, suddenly desperate to see him. He smiles, and I find my thumb tracing the edges of his jaw as he goes on. ‘I love how you pile your hair up into something resembling a pineapple too. And I love how at the end of the day your mascara is a little smudged just here.’ He touches the corner of my lid, a grin tugging the sides of his mouth. ‘I love everything there is to love about you.’

‘I love your chest,’ I say stupidly, falling back into his warmth, wishing I could hide in it forever.

Jack laughs lightly. ‘Let’s get this week out of the way and go to Liverpool. Three days, just you and me, yeah?’

I nod and settle into him, enjoying this snatched moment of time. I’ll tell him about the baby at the weekend, when we’re away from London, on our own and relaxed.

 

I called Lizzy as soon as I left Jack’s office. She listened to me while I told her about last night and the fact that Jack has arranged to see Stephanie this evening. I didn’t need to ask for company. She told me to get to her place for six when she’d be home from work and we’d eat curry and watch Titanic – a movie neither of us tire of, even after watching it a million times.

She greets me at the door with the biggest hug she’s ever given me. I needed it before I went to Jack’s office. Now, if she didn’t release me for the entire night, that would be fine by me. I take my phone from my bag and hand it to her. I don’t need to be checking every minute for a text from Jack. It’ll defeat the whole point of me being here. Lizzy takes it and slips it into the back pocket of her jeans. She doesn’t say a word, doesn’t ask questions or press me: she just silently walks me into the kitchen.

I smile, genuinely happy, when I find Nat and Micky huddled around the table, chatting and laughing. Micky gives me a wink and Nat cheers my arrival. I look to Lizzy, wondering if she’s told them of my turmoil, but she just shakes her head mildly, grabbing a bottle of wine from the fridge.

Lizzy hands me a glass, but when I go to take it, I suddenly remember I should be avoiding this stuff. ‘Non-alcoholic,’ she whispers, going on to refresh the others’ glasses with what I expect is the real stuff.

Nat toasts the air and pulls me down onto the chair next to her. ‘You look like shit.’

‘Thanks,’ I laugh, joining her in a sip of wine.

‘You do.’ Micky winks at me across the table. I pick up a peanut from the bowl and chuck it at his head, and he shifts, catching it in his mouth around a grin. ‘Tough day at work?’

‘Draining,’ I answer tiredly. ‘But it’ll be worth it in the end.’

‘I hope so,’ Lizzy chimes in, giving me a look as she joins us.

‘I have exciting news,’ Micky announces, looking blasé and very unexcited.

‘You sure?’ I ask.

‘Yes.’ He straightens and clears his throat. ‘I’m going on a date.’

Silence falls and we all look at each other like the weirdest thing could have just happened. I’d think I didn’t hear him right but everyone else is looking as blank as I am.

‘Come again?’ Nat pipes up, her chin dropping to her chest.

‘A date,’ he repeats, starting to swivel his bottle of beer on the table while he watches it, pouting to himself.

Nat bursts into laughter, followed by me and Lizzy. This is priceless! ‘Give me a fucking break, Micky,’ Nat chuckles.

‘What?’ he asks, offended.

‘You?’ I laugh.

‘A date?’ Lizzy is holding on to the table for support.

‘The girl you’re training!’ I jump up from the table. ‘Charlie! She isn’t putting out so you’ve resorted to asking her out.’

‘Fuck off,’ Micky snipes seriously. ‘I could have her like that.’ He snaps his fingers.

‘Oh my God.’ Nat puts her drink on the table to avoid spilling it because she’s laughing so hard. ‘I can’t . . . It’s the . . . You won’t . . . Shit, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.’

The kitchen is alive with laughter, all of us in stitches at Micky’s ‘date’. Does he think we don’t know him? For Christ’s sake. ‘Micky, you’re killing me.’ I howl, grappling for my fake wine and laughing into my glass as I take a sip. ‘Where are you taking her?’

‘Ah, now.’ He leans forward. ‘This is what I need to talk to you guys about.’ His motives for having to share news of his date are suddenly all too clear, and it also spikes another bout of laughter. ‘Come on, girls,’ he whinges. ‘Help me out.’

‘We don’t know her,’ I point out. ‘Does she like art, culture, food?’

‘She loves it when I play with my hair.’ He looks at me hopefully. God, I could cuddle him.

‘She likes it when you play with your hair?’ Nat asks seriously. ‘Great. Take her with you for your next haircut.’

I stifle my laugh this time, feeling for my lifelong friend. He can’t help being an idiot when it comes to dating women. ‘Hakkasan is always a winner,’ I offer.

‘Really?’ Micky asks. ‘It’s quite pricey, though, right?’ He backs up, hands raised in defence, when we all gape at him.

‘Burger King,’ Nat sighs. ‘Take her to Burger King. But I know for a fact that they don’t do a good fuck for dessert. You’ll get a fuck for dessert if you take her to Hakkasan.’ She raises her glass in cheers.

I chuckle, as does Lizzy, but Micky rolls his eyes. I love this. I forgot how much. It doesn’t matter that my glass is full of pretend wine. I have my friends around me, and it’s exactly what I need right now. I look at them all in turn, spending some time thinking about how lucky I am to have them.

Lizzy orders Indian, and we all pile into the lounge to watch Titanic. There are no objections, even from Micky. ‘Watch carefully.’ Nat kicks him in the back when he sits on the floor in front of her. ‘Might get some tips on how to woo.’

He turns and gives her tired eyes. ‘Put a sock in it, ice queen.’

Nat sniggers. ‘Ouch.’

‘Shhhh!’ Lizzy hushes, pointing the remote control at the TV and cranking up the volume. ‘Watch it or piss off.’

Nat throws her an indignant look but pipes down with the assistance of my calming palm placed on her thigh. We barely move, and only the odd sigh or hum permeates the air as we all settle down and watch Kate and Leonardo fall in love. I make it to the point when he paints her. After that, the movie is just a fuzz of words, and Jack’s words are clear as day, filling my head.

We’ll be okay. I promise.

 

‘Annie?’ Lizzy shakes me gently, stirring me. ‘Annie, Jack’s called.’

She may as well have thrown a firebomb at me. I’m up from the chair like lightning. ‘Where’s everyone gone?’ The living room is empty.

‘The film finished an hour ago. I didn’t want to wake you. Thought you could do with the rest.’

What she means is, she thought I could do without the opportunity to think. I can’t thank her enough, but now I’m awake and my mind is careering into panic. ‘Where’s my phone?’ I shoot past her in search of it.

‘On the table,’ she calls after me as I land in the kitchen.

I spot it and swipe it up, dialling Jack, but it’s taken from my hand before I can connect the call. ‘What are you doing?’ I ask, trying to win it back.

‘He’s on his way,’ she soothes me, holding it out of my reach. ‘I gave him my address. He should be here any minute.’

What she’s telling me doesn’t even sink in before there’s a gentle knock on the door. I gasp and rush from the kitchen like a speed demon, throwing the door open, out of breath. The vision of him, no matter how wiped out he looks – totally shattered, weary and drained of life – still centres my off-kilter world. He steps forward and I dive into his arms, pushing my face into his neck. I’m holding him so tightly; I may squeeze what life he has left in him right out.

‘Annie,’ he breathes. My feet leave the ground and he walks in, holding me to him with one arm while shutting the door with the other. I refuse to let go of him. Ever.

‘I’ll leave you to it,’ I hear Lizzy say. ‘I’ll be in my room if you need anything. Help yourself to the kitchen.’

‘Thank you,’ Jack says quietly, continuing on his way with me wrapped around him like ivy. I know when we’re in the kitchen because the sound of his footsteps changes when hitting the floor, but I still cling onto him. ‘Baby, sit down.’ I shake my head into him, hearing him sigh as he squeezes me before he forces me away gently, pulling a chair out and pushing me down into it. He leaves me looking blankly at him as he rounds the table, obviously struggling to keep himself upright.

‘Jack, what’s the matter?’ I don’t like his despondency. It’s overshadowing my relief that he’s here.

He pulls his own chair out, and I watch in silence as he lowers his arse to the seat, his elbow going straight to the table, his head resting on his palm. ‘I need to tell you something.’

My entire body locks up in response. I don’t want to ask, because I’m sure as hell going to hate whatever he’s going to tell me. I don’t like the space he’s purposely put between us either. My head is screaming the question that I refuse to ask out loud. What could possibly have him so flattened? Has she hurt herself again? Has she got into his conscience, churned up guilt?

‘She’s pregnant, Annie.’

I jolt in my chair, as if something has come from nowhere and physically taken me out. My heart starts to pump painfully.

‘She’s been throwing up,’ Jack says quietly. ‘She did a test.’ His eyes close. ‘It was positive.’ He doesn’t want to believe it either.

‘No,’ I whisper, pushing myself back in the chair, the room starting to spin. The beats of my heart slow with each painful second that passes, and my limbs are beginning to lose all sensation. She’s pregnant. He’s tied to her forever. She’ll be in the background of our lives forever. Our lives? I look across the table at Jack’s beaten form. Our lives. ‘You’re not going to leave her, are you?’

Jack’s heavy head gradually lifts until his grey eyes meet with mine. The life in them has completely gone. They’re empty. ‘I can’t leave my child, Annie.’

My throat closes up on me. I feel like I’m slowly dying. Desperation is telling me to scream my confession, to tell him that I’m pregnant too. But Jack goes on before I can straighten out my head and release the words. ‘I can’t believe this is happening. She knows I don’t want a baby.’

My announcement falls to the pit of my stomach and rots. He doesn’t want a baby. I’m becoming more numb by the second.

‘This is fucked up.’ He slams his fist on the table. Fucked up. He’s right; it is. All of it. I don’t want him to be with me out of pity like he will be with Stephanie. I don’t want to stoop to her level. She’s manipulating him. This is just another form of her fucked-up manipulation. Another symptom of her screwed-up way of thinking. I refuse to force him to be with me. I can’t do it to Jack and I can’t do it to myself. I’m not begging. I’m not falling to my knees. I’ve lost enough integrity already. I can’t ask him to abandon his child – the child Stephanie is carrying – any more than I could ask him to leave his wife for me.

That’s it.

Done.

I’m on my own.

And I’m suddenly furious. I’m furious with him for being so fucking careless, for giving her the opportunity to trap him like this. ‘You were sleeping with her.’ I look up at him.

His face falls. ‘Not for months, Annie. And she was on the pill.’

‘Then how?’

His head drops, ashamed, confused, sorry. ‘She forgot to take a pill here and there. That’s all it takes. She must be over four months now, because that’s how long it’s been since we were—’

‘I don’t need to hear it, Jack.’ It doesn’t matter how far gone she is or how it happened. It’s happened. Nothing can change that. ‘Go.’

I’m fighting to keep my world together. I feel let down, and I have no fucking right to. And I’m now damning myself to hell for being so careless too. ‘Just go, Jack.’ I speak levelly. It’s a far cry from how I’m feeling on the inside, yet my objective now is to bat the devastation down. I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. I feel empty.

Jack’s head shakes mildly. ‘Annie . . .’ He reaches across the table for my hand but I pull it back, placing it with the other in my lap, keeping my gaze low.

‘Don’t make this any harder than it needs to be.’ Keeping my breath steady is taking everything I have. ‘Please,’ I add, closing my eyes on a swallow. This is going to be the challenge of my life. But at least I don’t have to spend the rest of my days with someone I don’t love. At least guilt isn’t dictating my future. It is for Jack.

I push myself up from my chair, being sure not to look at him. Detachment. Close down, shut off. It’s done. ‘You should go.’

‘Annie, please, lis—’

‘Is it going to change anything?’ I ask, and despite myself, I look at him. I find a face invaded with pure misery and hopelessness. I flinch and glance away. ‘If I listen, will it change anything?’

‘I have to be there for my child.’ He grates the words on broken air. ‘I can’t abandon my baby.’

The irony of the situation doesn’t escape me. This is what I deserve. This is karma. There’s another baby, one he doesn’t know about. And one that he won’t know about. I hate him right now. But I hate myself more. ‘Go,’ I demand.

‘Annie . . .’

‘Just go!’ I scream, losing it. ‘Get out!’

There’s a brief silence before I hear his chair scrape the floor. ‘I’ll always love you, Annie.’

‘Don’t say that,’ I whisper, unable to be near him any longer. ‘I don’t need to hear that.’ I get up and walk away from him in a blur of ruin and pain, my eyes furiously welling with tears. He watches me go. I feel his eyes trained on my back every step of the way. But I don’t look back. Not now. Not ever again.