Chapter Twenty

Georgina

 

 

I dropped Blake off where he’d left his bike the night before, and was incredibly proud of myself for not breaking down in a teary mess just for being in proximity to the country and western bar and those memories.

After that I managed to drive myself safely the rest of the way home. Alone.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to Blake even for a short while, not again. But he said he had some things to organize, and I had to go home and pack.

He said he’d be with me soon. That made me feel strong.

The house was quiet, except for a soft snoring sound. For a heartbreaking moment I thought it was Julie, then I remembered Priya and Kaley were staying here now. It was early enough in the morning that they were both still asleep. They probably didn’t even know I’d gone out. Everything that had happened the night before, my whole crazy night of danger, didn’t even exist to them. I liked imagining it that way, as though, from the right perspective, you could just change your existence. Erase your mistakes.

To complete the illusion, I cleaned the run and smudged make-up away, then showered, and got into my pajamas. It almost made the hot lump of regret in my stomach less noticeable.

The rims of my eyelids were raw, dry, and stinging. From the moment I’d found out about Blake doing my childhood list, through getting my haircut and the night at the strip club, to going out to the ocean and then my stupid attempt to complete my sexy bucket list, the past days were a sleepless blur. I just wanted to put my head down on my pillow and stay there for a week.

My stomach grumbled, hungry and alive, in spite of everything I’d put it through. I grabbed eggs and a stupid amount of bacon from the fridge, and started cooking, as though this were any normal lazy morning. I worked quietly, but either the sizzle of the bacon or the smoky smell woke the girls, and they came to join me for breakfast. Sleepy-eyed and bed-haired, they looked completely at home. Priya popped some bread into the toaster, Kaley laid out plates, and I smiled at how natural it all felt. I wondered what things had been like at their home with their nanna. They seemed at ease here, able to be themselves in this space. I was thankful they were with me.

I checked how they liked their eggs, cracked a few more into the pan for them, and got the coffee brewing.

We sat at the breakfast counter, chasing runny yolk around our plates with toast and bacon dippers. “What’s the plan for today?” Kaley asked, enthusiasm and awe in her voice. “Casino? Sky diving? Tiger wrassling?”

I crunched my toast. “You know, I don’t do something amazing and adventurous every day of my life.”

Priya tipped her head to the side, her look no-nonsense. “I bet you don’t even know what you’re doing. I bet Blake is organizing another big surprise.”

I hung my head, laughing at myself. “Fine. I don’t know. He’s got a plan. I was told to pack.”

Kaley and Priya both squealed.

They squealed again when a knock at the door revealed Blake, ready for our next adventure. He wore nice jeans and a buttoned dress shirt, making me feel frumpy for having gone straight to the pajama option when I got home.

He’d showered too, and although there wasn’t a trace of blood from the cut above his eyebrow left, I still imagined it. I shook the image away. I couldn’t pretend last night had never happened, not really, but we were here, we were safe, and we were moving on. Together.

Blake dumped a stuffed travel backpack next to the front door. “You’re not packed?”

I thumbed back to where the girls were still eating. “We did breakfast.”

Blake’s eyes lit up. “Any left for me?”

Priya patted the bar stool next to her. “Georgie cooked a ridiculous amount of bacon. Come and join us in Bacon City.”

Blake groaned loudly after his first crunchy bite. “You cook the best bacon. If I didn’t already love you, this would be the tipping point.”

My heart ku-thumped. Kaley and Priya looked at each other with openmouthed grins.

I tried to reach for another piece myself, but was swatted away by Blake. “You need to go and pack. You’ve got twenty minutes.”

“What? But I don’t know what I’m packing for.”

“Okay, I’d wanted this to be a grander reveal. I was planning this next list item for a bit later on, with a bit more fanfare, but it will make a good getaway now so I’ve bumped up the schedule. So, ta-da, I guess.” He took a wad of folded papers out of his back pocket and handed it to me.

Something home-printed, with confirmations, dates, times, names.

Tickets. Airline tickets. NIAGARA. The word jumped out at me, and my heart dropped into my belly. Niagara Falls had been on my list, I was sure of it. I used to dream about it being the most romantic place ever, back before it was considered cliché or kitsch.

Kaley leaned over my shoulder to see, and nodded. “Yeah, that’s better than tiger wrassling.”

I flicked through the pages. Business-class flights. One way. He’d booked accommodation too. He’d scribbled out all prices, but I could tell from the details it wasn’t cheap. Why book business-class? Why the fancy accommodation? Were those on my list too, and he was spending so much on my behalf? What else was my list going to force him to do?

“Blake,” I whispered. “I can’t afford this, and I can’t accept it from you. You can’t afford this.”

Blake waved away my words. “Don’t worry about it. It’s sorted.”

“I already owe you so much.”

“This isn’t some kind of barter system. You don’t owe me anything.”

Priya watched us from the counter, popping crunchy bacon bits into her mouth like they were popcorn.

Blake grinned then. “Besides, I paid for these tickets mostly with my stripping money, which was from your list, so it’s like it’s yours anyway.”

I looked at the tickets. I thought about the lump, about going in and getting my results.

I looked at Blake. “Twenty minutes? Okay, I can do that.”

I heard Kaley asking Blake if he was planning any more stripper shifts as I dashed to my room.

My first problem was that I didn’t have a suitcase, or a travel backpack like Blake had. I’d never been anywhere.

I dumped out the large messenger bag I used for college, and grabbed it and my biggest handbag. Between them there’d be enough space. Maybe. I didn’t know because my second problem was I had no idea what to pack. I stuffed as many clothes as I could into the messenger bag, then topped up my handbag with some toiletries, my phone charger, and, on a whim, a sketchbook and some pencils. My heart was racing from adrenaline as I threw on my most comfy but classy clothing for the flight—woolen tights and a collared shirt dress—with only a few minutes left.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, to think through what was happening. Was this madness? Running away with Blake with twenty minutes notice?

When Blake said he loved me, it was hard not to say the words in return, hard not to let the thrill that ran right down my body show on my face.

I was afraid. For him. For myself. For what was going to happen to our lives, or my lack of one. Denial and fear raised their voices at me again, their old refrain that I should say no to Blake and end this, once and for all.

Or I could pick up my bags, and walk out the door and into Blake’s arms. I had to choose. I had to believe I deserved more, and I had to do it right now.

Maybe I already had. The bags were packed, the lights switched off, and my purse was in my hand. I looked up at the ceiling.

Am I doing the right thing? Help me out here, Mom.

The messenger bag fell off the bed, landing on my foot hard enough to make me gasp. I stifled a shriek, glared at the ceiling and a muttered, “Geesh, fine. I get it. You don’t have to be so mean about it.”

I stepped back out into the living room. Then dashed back into my bedroom for my coat, a scarf, and underwear. I couldn’t believe I’d forgotten to pack underwear.

Finally all done, I hugged Kaley and Priya goodbye. “See you.”

“When are you coming back?” Kaley asked.

I looked at Blake. He shrugged. “That’s up to Georgie.”

I shrugged too. I didn’t know when I’d be ready. But I knew I couldn’t leave it too long. “Soon.”

Priya nodded. “Thanks again for letting us stay.”

Blake took my larger bag for me. “All set?”

“Yeah. Just one more thing I have to do.”

I dialed Dad’s number and asked him to meet us at the airport. He was working at his restaurant, and I hated asking him to drop everything for me, but I needed to see him and he didn’t think twice.

He arrived not long after we did and greeted us with a smile.

“This is all very spontaneous.” Dad wrapped me in a one-armed hug, then gave Blake an equally loving hug, all the while balancing a brown paper bag under his other arm.

“Yeah, thanks for coming down to say goodbye.”

“You’ve cut your hair.”

I twirled a finger into the barely twirlable length. “Yeah, everything is a bit spontaneous lately.”

He raised a bushy eyebrow. “Like missing class again?”

“Sorry, I know. This week’s been—”

“Hard. Of course it has. Waiting is always hard. Don’t worry about it; I’ll sort things out with college. And your new hairstyle is beautiful.” Dad smiled under his thick moustache.

He helped us with our bags as we walked through the long building, seeking our check-in point. I breathed in the courage I needed to tell the truth. “I don’t actually need to wait anymore. The hospital rang yesterday. My results are in, and I have to go and get them.”

“And your doctor has moved to Niagara?” Dad deadpanned.

“No. I … Maybe waiting isn’t the hardest part. The part that comes after waiting is, and I’m not ready for that yet.”

We all stopped walking. Other travelers flowed around us, like we were pebbles in a stream.

Dad nodded slowly. “I understand. It’s okay to run sometimes. Just not for too long. We all have to face the truth, to face life, eventually.”

That was a truth I was becoming ever more acquainted with every day.

“I’ll be home soon.”

“And we’ll go get those results together,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

Together.

I gave a single, strong nod, unable to open my mouth for the sobs that wanted to come out.

“Here.” Dad opened the paper bag he’d brought, and revealed a few takeaway containers filled with food from his restaurant, still steaming. “For your flight. Airplane food is terrible.”

Blake snatched the bag from him, sticking his face into it and breathing deeply. “Thanks, Tom. You’re the best.”

I hugged Dad again and never wanted to let go. Then an announcement for final check-in was called, and we said our goodbyes and headed off.

A sudden fear that it would be the last time I’d ever see him stole into my heart. I was starting to see my fear clearly now, see how it wormed its dark thoughts into my every action and decision, trying to block me. I saw how it tried to control me, and I tried to fight back, but still found myself scared.

As we made our way through security, I whispered to Blake, “I’ve never been on a plane before.”

“Don’t worry. You just sit around until they get you where you’re going. At least we’ll be comfortable. I have to go business-class or I barely fit in the seat. But either way, flying is boring.”

Boring? We would be up in the air, higher than I’d ever been. Or at least, that was the theory. What if the theory went wrong? We’d face a fiery and horrible death, that was what.

I knew the odds were small, but fear told me I could die. And I didn’t want to.

More than anything, I didn’t want to die. I knew then that if I had to, I would go back into treatment and fight the cancer. Even if it was the whole deal: surgery and chemotherapy and radiation and hormone therapy. Even if it was the full mastectomy. Even if I had to lose parts of myself. I just wanted to live. Anything for the gift of one more day.

Flying for the first time scared me, but I decided to do what I had done when I was in treatment for the first time. I plastered a giant smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other.

I kept waiting for some bells and whistles to go off while the guy guarding my line scrutinized us and our stuff. I thought they’d decide that the long-haired girl on my ID wasn’t the same as the short-haired girl in front of them. We went through a futuristic X-ray machine and I wondered if they could see my lump on there—if they would haul me out and demand I get my ass to the nearest hospital immediately.

We made it onto the plane and to our seats. Blake rested his head back and held my hand, smiling at me reassuringly as the plane started rolling down the runway.

My breath caught when it rose into the air, engines roaring, seats shaking and rattling. I forgot about trying to smile and act calm and buried my face in Blake’s shoulder. The plane leveled out, and through the window I could see the swirl of green and brown and gray that was the earth far below. I snuggled in next to Blake, looking out and losing my heart to the sight of the tops of clouds. I’d never imagined seeing clouds from above, never imagined they would be so beautiful. Blake watched me, smiling as I took it all in.

“You have the most amazing face,” he said. “It’s like I can see everything you feel on it, and you feel so much.”

“What am I feeling right now?”

“You’re terrified, and you’re loving every moment.”

As soon as we could put our tray tables down we shared the food Dad gave us before it got too cold. We talked about the craziest stuff—whether or not pizza on a stick would be a moneymaking venture, and what it would be like to live on the moon. Soon, I’d forgotten we were even in the air. We watched a movie together, sharing the earbuds, and I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder.

I woke up disoriented, positive that the plane was going down, and it was.

We were descending into Niagara.

Blake put the blind of the window up and I stared out, no longer frightened. Lights flared and shone, like little candles in the distance. The day had darkened, turning gray. Soon those tiny lights became long streets filled with cars and headlights, streams of glitter on a tiny world that we skimmed the surface of.

My heart pounded in excitement as the wheels hit the ground.

I floated out of that airport, high on happiness.

Over all of that was the feeling I had gotten while doing my bucket list. That I was alive. I could feel the blood in my veins, the breath in my lungs, and the warmth of my body.

I was alive, and I was in love, and I was in Niagara.