Petra pulled the threadbare blanket over her naked breasts and snuggled closer to Avery, desperate for every bit of warmth she could get. Avery didn’t light a fire in the grate, fearful that someone would become alerted to their presence in the abandoned house if smoke began to rise from the chimney into the frigid night. A candle stub burned bright in the darkness, its little flame struggling to stay alive in the drafty space. Avery reached for his woolen cloak and spread it over them, pulling Petra closer to him and nuzzling her ear lobe.
“Better now?”
“Yes,” Petra breathed. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift. Being with Avery felt so right, so safe. She wished they could spend the whole night together and wake with their limbs intertwined, their bodies warm and flushed from their lovemaking. Instead, Avery had to rush back to the priory, and Petra had to return home where she had to act as if she’d just returned from spending the evening with Lady Blythe and hide all signs of her happiness from her all-too-perceptive mother. It wasn’t until she climbed into her loft beneath the rafters that she washed all traces of Avery from her body and lay in her cold bed, reliving the precious moments she’d spent with him. It was then that the doubts came. She knew she had to speak to Avery sooner or later and tell him her news, but she put off the inevitable, desperate to seize whatever happiness she could.
Petra turned onto her back and gazed up at Avery, who seemed miles away as he twirled a lock of her hair around his finger, his head resting on one arm. “Avery, what will happen?” she asked, regretting the questions as soon as it left her lips. She knew the reality of the situation, but knowing it and hearing it were two different things, and she wasn’t prepared to hear the truth.
“How do you mean?” Avery asked, his eyes sliding reluctantly back to Petra’s face.
“With us,” Petra clarified. She could still end things with Thomas and tell him that she’d changed her mind. They weren’t to be wed until June, so she still had a few weeks before any wedding plans were set in motion. Oh, how happy Lady Blythe would be if Petra backed out and left Thomas to seek a more suitable bride, and how happy Petra would be if Avery decided to leave the Church and build a life with her.
“What can happen?” Avery asked and smiled down at her as if she were a silly child.
“I love you, Avery,” Petra whispered. She’d said it in her mind a thousand times, but it felt strange to hear the words spoken aloud after all this time. The last time Petra had confessed her feelings to Avery was twelve years ago, on the night Edwin was conceived. Avery had said it first then, had sworn undying devotion and promised a lifetime of happiness, but he was gone less than a fortnight later, off to the seminary against his will.
This time he has a choice, Petra thought stubbornly as she watched emotions passing across Avery’s face like clouds across the sun. This time he can choose me. He can choose us.
“I love you too, sweetheart, but I’m an ordained priest. I cannot marry. Once my transgressions are forgiven, I will return to Oxford and resume my teaching post,” Avery said. His eyes slid away from Petra’s searching gaze, telling her all she needed to know, but she persisted, desperate to change his mind.
“You can leave the priesthood,” Petra pleaded, her heart in her throat. “We could marry if you did.”
“And do what?” Avery asked. He was smiling down at her, but Petra could hear the note of reproach in his tone. “I have no inherited wealth, and no skill that could earn me a living. Would you have me do menial labor when I have a place in Oxford, the seat of learning?”
“So, you are content to leave me?” Petra asked.
“Petra, I have no choice. Being with you has brought me such happiness, and knowing that you bore my son fills me with great pride, but I have nothing to offer you beyond what we have here and now.”
“And if I get with child?” Petra demanded, a note of anger creeping into her voice. He’d left her pregnant once, he could do so again. Did he not care what happened to her?
Avery’s smile was condescending as he shifted away from Petra, just enough that their bodies were no longer touching. He was putting a distance between them, physical as well as emotional, and letting her know that any future between them was out of the question. His answer, when it came, was as sobering as a bucket of icy water, leaving Petra in no doubt about Avery’s feelings for her.
“Then you accept Lord Thomas and pass the child off as his. He will be over the moon, having just the one daughter, and you will enjoy a life of comfort and security. It’s the perfect solution for all involved.”
“Is it?” Petra asked nastily as she sat up and reached for her clothes. Avery made no move to stop her. He was more than willing to let her leave. Petra pulled the shift over her head and began to roll on her stockings, her movements jerky and rushed. She suddenly saw Avery in a whole new light. She believed him to be incapable of falsehood, a man of God who struggled between his devotion to the Church and his love for her, but suddenly she saw him for what he was. He was a man who took what he wanted and left others to deal with the consequences of his actions. He’d left her with child once, going meekly where his father ordered him, and now he would leave her again, only this time of his own free will.
Avery would not sacrifice anything for her or their son. Not now, or ever. He had lofty ambitions of his own. He’d been sent to Dunwich as a punishment for his unorthodox views, so he decided to make the most of his exile, safe in the knowledge that Petra would never betray him. Regardless of what happened between them, he would walk away unscathed, the consequences of his actions no longer his to bear.
Petra quickly braided her hair and stuffed it beneath her headpiece, tucking in stray tendrils carefully. There was no mirror or any metal surface where she could see her reflection, but she couldn’t go home looking disheveled or angry. Maude would not give her a moment’s peace if she thought something was amiss. Petra suspected that her mother knew the truth of her relationship with Avery already, but hoped and prayed that Petra would come to her senses and see the error of her ways without having to give voice to her concerns.
“Sweetheart, please don’t be angry,” Avery cajoled as he looked up at Petra from their makeshift bed. “Surely you didn’t think that I would leave the priesthood?”
“The possibility did cross my mind,” Petra retorted. She was about to say something more, but didn’t. There was nothing she could say that would alter Avery’s plans. He’d never intended for them to have a future. He simply took what was given to him and made the most of it. “I won’t be coming here again.”
“Yes, you will. I know you will,” Avery replied, reaching for her hand and pressing his lips to her palm. “I will wait for you on Thursday, and then on Tuesday. You will come,” he said again, as if trying to convince himself.
Petra threw on her cloak and stuck her feet into her shoes. “I have to go,” she said and fled into the night without a backward glance. How sure Avery was that she would come back, she fumed. How secure in her love. Petra brushed away tears of hurt and hurried home, her hand clasped around the silver bird Thomas had given her. She’d hidden it in her pocket before meeting Avery, not wishing to upset him with evidence of Thomas’s affection, when she should have worn the gift proudly, displaying a token of love from a man who was willing to give her everything, not just a part of himself the Church had no use for.
All was quiet and still, everyone’s shutters closed against the chill of the March night. The sky was full of stars, the twinkling dots forming strange patterns in the sky, and the moon hanging low over the sea, its yellow surface reflected in the pitch-black waters. A pathway of light shimmered on the surface, like a magic walkway, beckoning to unsuspecting travelers. Petra stopped walking and stared out over the moonlit sea. She felt hollow and unbearably sad, but the beauty around her marginally lifted her spirits, reminding her that every situation was made up of light and dark.
Petra pulled on her hood and rushed home, her head down and her steps brisk. She didn’t notice the hooded figure that stepped out of the shadow of the abandoned hut, nor did she pay any attention to the stealthy footsteps that accompanied her home.