Twenty-Nine

        To say that I was a mess was putting it lightly.

My parents knew something was up but kept their distance. Even when I insisted that I return to Colorado as soon as possible. The night before I was due to leave my mom tried to have a talk with me but I couldn’t talk about it. Not yet. I promised to call her as soon as I returned to Colorado and explain everything. She wasn’t happy, but she didn’t push it.

        Right before my plane was due to board I informed her of my broken phone and told her that I may not call her right away. She was furious and demanded that I take some money from her and buy a new one as soon as I landed. I didn’t bother arguing. Stuffing the money in my purse, I went to catch my flight.

        Unlike the last time I landed in Colorado, I didn’t feel like relieved to be home. Mostly I felt lost and for the first time I felt like I didn’t belong. Facing the unknown was scary and here I stood facing it all on my own. Thank God I was all cried out.

        Throwing my carry on bag over my shoulder, I headed to the cab area. I hadn’t told anyone I was back so there wasn’t anyone here to welcome me home. It was how I wanted it. At least that’s what I kept trying to tell myself. I didn’t believe it either.

        The cab took me straight to the realtors office. I wanted to get my new lease signed and the old one transferred right away or else I might change my mind. To my relief, she said that I could move in immediately and she would have the movers come the following day. She offered to take me to the new apartment but declined, not interested in seeing it. It didn’t matter what it looked like. It would never be home.         

        When the cab pulled up outside the apartment, I was relieved to see that Jensen wasn’t home. The last thing I needed right now was to see him. My heart broke at the thought of how he might react to seeing me home early. God, what if he had been bringing her back to our apartment?

        My stomach heaved, but I forced the bile back. Taking a deep breath, I headed up the stairs and into the apartment. When I opened the door and stepped inside, I took a moment to look around. It really was the perfect apartment. It had been my home for a short while and I knew it would be hard to find anything that measured up.

        Shutting the door, I took my things to my room, then returned to the living room. I lay the leases on the coffee table and sat down on the couch to wait for Jensen. Seeing him was inevitable. We had things to discuss and I would do my best to remain as emotionless as possible. There was no need to show him how much this hurt. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

        My heart nearly leaped out of my chest when the door banged open moments later. My stomach turned with the nerves. I hadn’t expected him back so soon and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do this yet. But I knew it had to be done and there was no point in waiting. It was now or never. Closing off all emotion I stood to face him.

        His face lit up when he spotted me. I was surprised to find that when he smiled that soul crushing smile at me, I didn’t want to break down in sobs of despair. No, I wanted to march right over to him and punch him dead in his fucking throat. He had no right to look at me the way he was.

        Pushing the anger back, I squared my shoulders. I couldn’t afford to lose my focus now and assaulting him wouldn’t do me any good. Not that I wasn’t tempted, but there were bigger issues at hand here.

        When I didn’t return his smile his brows furrowed. He started towards me and I bent down to pick up the lease agreement. I thrusted it into his hands and took a step back. He looked down at them, then back to me.

        “What’s this?” His eyes went back to the papers, and he looked them over. He looked back to me in confusion. “What is this, luv?”

        I opened my mouth to reply, but nothing came out. How could I say it?

        “Freya, what the bloody hell is this?” He was angry now.

        Clearing my throat, I replied. “I’m signing the apartment over to you.”

        “Why?”

        “Because I can’t live here anymore.”

        His face softened and when he spoke his voice was gentle. “If it’s money, luv…”

        “It’s not!” I snapped, then took a breath. “Let me rephrase. I can’t live here… with you anymore.”

        His face turned to confusion again and I could feel my patience slipping. I couldn’t stand here while he looked at me like he really didn’t have a clue what was going on. Not to mention the longer I had to stand here and look at him the harder it was to push those picture out of my head.

        I made to step around him, but he reached out to me. I flinched away from him and hurt crossed his face.

        “Freya,” he mumbled. “Talk to me. I don’t understand.”

        My anger reared up and I lost it. I whirled on him and glared up at him.

        “ You don't understand?! That’s fucking hilarious! That’s what I’ve been thinking for the last forty- eight hours. And now I can hardly stand here and even look at you, much less try to explain what you should already know. The apartment is yours. I’ll be out tomorrow.” I started out shouting but lost my steam mid rant. I really didn’t have the energy.

        “What the bloody hell is going on? Why are you leaving?”

        “Just quit playing dumb, Jensen. I know what you’ve been doing while I was gone. The pictures were clear.”

        “What pictures?”

        “You know, I always knew I wouldn’t be enough for you. I hoped I would be wrong, but I should’ve known better.” I probably sounded as small as I felt and I wanted to disappear. I moved to walk around him again and he reached for me again.

        “Freya! What pictures?” He held my arm and I knew he wouldn’t let go without an answer.

        “Someone sent me pictures, Jensen. Of you and another woman. They looked very…” I struggled to get the word out. “Intimate.”

        His mouth dropped open in outrage and I just shook my head and pulled my arm free.

        “Freya,” he started, but I silenced him.

        “No. I’m done listening. It’s done. We are done.” The words rang clear, and they were poison on my tongue.

        I turned my back on him and went to my room. The lock was barely in place before the pounding began. He called my name and when I refused to answer he shouted it and knocked louder. The pain in his voice brought me to my knees. It wasn’t fair. He had no right to sound as if this hurt him too. He did this to us. This was his fault. He had no right.

        He gave up after an hour. When I heard the guest room door slam, I climbed to my feet and went to my closet. Thankfully, I still had boxes in there from when I moved in. Since I was going to be stuck in here for a while I might as well get some packing done. If I was lucky, Jensen would be out of the apartment tomorrow and I could gather the rest of what I planned to take with me.

        Sleep was impossible and I ended up packing most of the night. I managed to get the entire room finished and only had to worry about the things outside my room. There wasn’t much out there I wanted to take other than my books so that should be a quick task.

Around nine, I heard Jensen leave. I peeked out my door and made sure the coast was really clear, then made my way around the apartment, collecting the things that I wanted to take. I was finished and ready to go by the time the movers showed up at noon.

Once the moving truck was loaded, I sent the movers ahead of me. I wanted a moment to say goodbye to my apartment. It sounded silly, but I needed it. It was a shame that I had to give it up, but there was no way I could stay here. Even if Jensen left, I wouldn’t be able to deal with all the memories. So, maybe this was for the best.

With one last look around, I shoved sunglasses over my face and headed out into the cold, but sunny December day. The sunglasses may hide the bloodshot eyes and the dark circles that had formed, but I wasn’t sure they would hide that fact that I was a girl with a shattered heart. I felt it in every part of my body and I was sure it was written plainly on my face.

I was just climbing into my Tahoe when I heard Saw call my name. She was still in here pajamas and was running down the stairs towards me. I braced myself for the verbal lashing I was no doubt about to receive.

        “What the fuck?! Were you even going to tell me you were moving?” She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me.

        “Of course. I just… I need to get out of here. I was going to call you later. Besides I’m not going far.” I looked around nervously, afraid that Jensen would return any minute.

        “What’s going on Freya? Why are you moving? I thought things with Jensen were good.” That made two of us.

        “Things are just fucked okay. I’ll have to talk to you later. I need to get to my new apartment.” I started to climb into my car but she stopped me.

        “Freya!”

        “Look. Follow me over and we’ll talk okay.”

        “Fine. Wait for me,” she snapped and ran back to her apartment. Within minutes she was back still in pajamas, but she now had shoes and a coat on.

        Something told me I wouldn’t be able to keep her from the truth. There would be no way I could lie to her and she believe it. So that would be one more thing I would have to worry about. I hated knowing that I would mess up things between her and Jensen, but in truth this was his mess. He could clean it up.

        The movers had come and gone by the time Saw and I reached my new apartment. When we walked into the apartment I had to hide my distress. The apartment was tiny in comparison. It had more of a studio layout with its open floor plan. It was awful and there wouldn’t be anywhere to hide.

        When I looked to Saw her face was a clean slate. As if she was trying to not let anything show. She looked to me, then headed for the nearest box to help unpack. I let her take the lead and told her to put stuff wherever. Honestly, I didn't care. I hadn’t even planned to fully unpack anyway.

        Before long all the boxes were empty and everything had found a place. I gave and exhausted sigh and sank to the floor in the middle of the living room area and lay on my back. I stared up at it like it held all the answers to my problems. If only it were that simple.

        Saw lay down beside me. “Why so sad, friend?”

        I squeezed my eyes shut hoping to hold the tears in but it was useless. The traders fell anyway.

        “He cheated on me.” The words choked out of me and I hated how they still felt like knives in my heart.

        Saw sucked in a breath and I knew what she would say next. And it was okay really. I knew she would defend him. They had been friends long before me and probably would be long after me. “He did not!”

        “I wish that were true. Honest to God, Saw, I do but someone sent me very clear pictures of him and another woman. If I hadn’t broken my phone to get rid of those images, I’d have the proof.”

        “Freya…”

        “No, it’s okay. You guys are like family. I’m not going to ask you to chose sides. This is just between Jensen and me. I’ve already put in my notice at work and I’ve got a job lined up. I will be out of the way soon enough and things will be fine.” I didn’t believe that for a minute, but I didn’t tell her that.

        “Freya, this is ridiculous. He loves  you! You know what that means for him. You have to believe that.”

        “I believed it so much, Saw. I love him so much, too.” Sobs choked out of me and she reached out to pull me into her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close.

        “I’ll sort this out. I’m going to find out the truth and I swear, Freya, if he really cheated on you then I’m going to kill him.”

        “I should’ve just listened to you in the beginning and stayed away from him.”

        She gave me one last squeeze and pulled away, climbing to her feet. Pushing myself into a sitting position, I looked up at her.

        “I’ve got to go, babe. Are you going to be okay by yourself? I can come back.” She looked torn and I could tell she was really worried about leaving me.

        “I’ll be fine. Really. I’m going to get a shower and probably hit the sack early.” She reached out a hand and pulled me to my feet.

        “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” She gave a searching look. Probably trying to gauge where my head was.

        “Of course,” I said, reassuring her. “I have work too.”

        When I looked at myself in the mirror the next morning I considered calling in. No amount of makeup could hide the face that I hadn’t slept in the last two days and I wasn’t sure what could be done with the bloodshot eyes. Maybe I should’ve tried harder not to cry.

        I sighed in defeat and headed for the door. I knew Mack would understand and the guys wouldn’t say anything because then they would have to face Saw and no one wanted to do that. She would flay them alive if the even crossed me today or the next two weeks. She was just that kind of friend.

        Despite being up early, I was still late for work. I had to give myself a mental pep talk before I could even walk through the door. I was terrified that Jensen would be waiting for me and I wasn’t ready to deal with this yet.

        The waiting area was empty, and I hurried to my desk, dropping my bag to the floor, and turning on my computer. Work was the key to my distraction today, and I was desperate for it. The shop was eerily quiet, and it had my hair standing on end. Something was off and it felt like at any moment disaster was going to strike. I just hoped I was ready for it.

        As if right on schedule there was a loud band and a shout coming from Mack’s office. The door flew open and heavy footfalls were coming down the hall. I steeled myself for what was coming.

        “Leave her alone, Jensen!” Mack warned, calling after Jensen.

        When the footfalls ceased, I straightened my back and turned to face Jensen.

        “You’re quitting?” Jensen growled, glaring down at me.

        The other studio doors opened, and the others peeked out. Probably hearing Jensen’s raised voice. Looks like we would be doing this with an audience, not that there would be much to see if I had my say in it.

        My eyes went back to Jensen, and I met his glare. “Not that it’s any of your concern, but yes.”

        “Freya! Why are you doing this?” His voice was low and pain filled. It would have been easier if he had yelled at me. “I can’t stand this, luv. We should talk about this.”

        “There’s nothing to talk about,” I said, evenly.

        “Come now, luv. There is so much to talk about. How am I supposed to get through the next two weeks knowing that you’re leaving and I don’t know why?”

        “I imagine if you think hard enough you’ll know why I’m leaving but if you want, I’ll leave now.” Not that I was trying to make it easy for him but I didn’t particularly want to do this for the next two weeks either.

        “Christ. No, I don’t want you to leave at all.”

        “Well, that’s too bad.” I turned my back to him in hopes he would take the hint but he didn’t.

        “Look at me, luv.” He was begging now.

        “Just leave me alone, Jensen.”

        He was standing so close I could feel the heat radiating off him and I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself around him and never let go but that wasn’t an option. So, I focused everything I had on my computer and waited until I could no long feel him behind me. It felt like time had stopped.

        “Hey babe.” Saw reached out and touched my shoulder, startling me. I looked up at him, not bothering to hide my misery anymore. “I need some fresh air. Want to take a walk with me?”

        “Fresh air sounded great,” I mumbled, climbing to my feet. Anything to get out of here.

        We walked in silence for a while, just taking it all in. My mind was a jumbled mess and it was making my head hurt. It was a shame there wasn’t a way to turn it all off. Getting it all out was probably the next best thing.

        Saw peeked over at me for the dozenth time and I sighed. “I can’t read your mind. You’ll just have to spit it out.”

        “I’m just going to say what you’re not supposed to say as a friend,” she said quickly.

        I arched an eyebrow at her. “Which is?”

        She took a deep breath, then answered. “I don’t think he cheated on you. He loves you, Freya. I’ve never seen him like this. He’s devastated. He really doesn’t have a clue what those pictures were. He said there wasn’t anyone else.”

        “If you had seen those pictures Saw. Then you would understand.”

        “I wish I could’ve have seen them.”

        “I wish I could unsee them.”

        “It just doesn’t make sense. Jensen has never been that guy. Sure, he’s been with a lot of women, but it was always one at a time. Granted, they were never serious either.” I hadn’t said anything and when she looked at me she gave me an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Freya. I’m not trying to defend him or take his side. I’m just trying to make sense of all this.”

        “It’s okay, too. I’m still trying to figure this all out too.”

        She smiled at me and changed the subject. “When are you getting a new phone?”

        “Soon. My mom gave me money to get one as soon as I returned here, but I still haven’t. She’s probably beside herself with worry by now.” I tried not to groan when the shop came into view.

        “Okay. We’ll go together tomorrow.” She led me into the shop and we headed back to work.