“Nick really said that shit?” James’ growling question reverberated across my skin, and I nodded as I ran my fingers through his short hair. Whatever body wash he used slithered up my nostrils, making me light headed, but I didn’t complain; I needed a little bit of air after what happened the day before. “What do you think of all that?”

“I don’t know…” Sighing heavily, I shuffled absently while James traced swirling patterns up and down my jean clad legs. Staring at the back of the dresser, my mind was blank all but with the words Nick had said to me in his office. “I mean- he’s not wrong… I just don’t want to feel bad because someone wants to give me something for nothing. There’s no such thing as free…”

Biting down on my bottom lip, I didn’t know what to do with myself as I tried to avoid talking about what was really bothering me. It’s been a week, and my parents still haven’t called or returned any of my texts. They knew I quit dancing at the clubs, so there wasn’t any reason to continue ignoring me- right?

“He’s just being a dick, you know.” I nearly winced at the harsh word that James threw out into the air. He swore more than any person I’d ever known, and I took a deep, stabilizing breath as his hand trailed up my body. “I understand that you worked as hard as you did, but maybe you should consider starting smaller, Hannah. If Nick is already considering hiring you, he’ll still be considering it in 5 years when you have more experience.”

“But I don’t want to work somewhere else- this is the best opportunity I’ll ever get. This is how I’ll get experience, not working my way up through dead end positions.” Frustration leaked into my voice, and I pursed my lips together before pushing myself up to sit. Strafing my hand through my hair, I pulled my knees up to prop my chin and stare down at my freshly painted toenails. “There’s no guarantee he’ll want to hire me in 5 years, or even in 5 months. If I don’t take this now, I won’t get it at all.”

“… Is something else bothering you, Hannah?” The concern in James’ voice was touching, but I knew he couldn’t understand- truly understand- what was happening to me. In the silence I thought back to that morning at the gym; he’d gotten so angry over something that happened a dozen years ago. I’d gone to therapy for it for years, but he still searched for some deep fear he thought I had.

As nice as it was to be cared about, I didn’t like that he kept trying to pry.

“No- I just… I need this job. I can’t mess it up.” James’ eyes bored into my back, and I scooted down to the foot of the bed to grab my shirt. “I’m going to go to the studio. Maybe it’ll help calm me down.”

“I’ll drive you.”

“No…” Smiling over my shoulder, I watched out of the corner of my eye as James paused. Guilt swarmed my throat, but I pushed it back as he frowned at me. “It’s okay. I don’t want to waste my bus ticket. Plus, I have to go home afterwards, and that’s all the way across town.”

Hastily making my way out of James’ apartment, I hugged my coat to me as I headed for the stairs. Glancing down at my phone, disappointment flooded my lungs at the lack of notifications, and I slipped the device into my pocket with stiff fingers. Pausing on the landing, I stared at the concrete wall for a moment as I struggled to breathe.

Going to college was what my family wanted for me. I was only months from graduating, and my life was on the cusp of success. So, why does it matter what I did to get here?

“It’s okay. My dad will call me back.” Muttering to myself, I straightened my shoulders to reach for my phone again. The call went straight to voicemail, and I listened to the dial tone before a sharp beep gave me permission to speak. “Hi, Daddy… I hope you’re doing well. I’m just calling because I wanted to see you… so- call me back, okay? Love you.”

The bus ride was long, and I hopped off down the street from my studio with relief surging through my veins. Pole dancing always made things better, and I smiled when the building came into view as the bus drove off. Staring down the street, my steps were quick and steady, and excitement turned my breath white despite the mild temperature.

This studio was just a little room of hardwood flooring, mirrors, and a pole in the center. Heading straight for the corner where my stuff sat, secure in a locker, I handled the turn table with care before opening the metal box. Thigh high, leather boots waited for me, along with a pair of yoga shorts and a sports bra. Shirking off my coat, I peeled off my turtleneck and jeans to sigh at the freedom that instantly washed over me.

Burlesque music pumped into the room when I plugged my phone into a wall stereo, and I bopped my head to the music and rolled my shoulders. There was something so fanciful about this kind of music, and I slid my hands up and down the metal pole already feeling light.

My back hit the floor hard, and I let out a shriek as pain shot up my spine and into my arms and legs. Black spots assaulted my vision as it spun, and I sucked a harsh breath into rattling lungs. Against my ribs my heart stuttered, and the sound of pounding feet reverberated up through the floor to spear pin needles into my flesh. In my mind’s eye I could picture myself doing a move I’d done countless times before; it was the most basic trick to twirl around the pole with my feet inches from the floor.

But I fell, and the weakness that rendered my arms useless still attacked my muscles.

“Hannah! Holy Jesus in Heaven- are you okay?” The receptionist from the front of the gym hovered over me, her brown eyes bright with concern as she carefully slipped her hand under the back of my head. Blinking hard, I carefully sat up with her help to arch my tender back. “Do you need an ambulance? Is anything hurt? Are you feeling any pain…?”

“I- I… I’m okay. I’m fine.” Sweat glistened along my skin under the bright, white lights, and I stared at my hands for a moment before slowly pushing myself to my feet. All the while her hands stayed on me, and I gripped her shoulder as I swayed dangerously.

“No- you’re not okay. I’m going to call an ambulance-“

“I said I’m fine!” My shout was hoarse, bouncing off the mirrored walls as stunned silence filled the room. Shivering violently, I pushed the woman away to wrap my arms around myself. Shock hardened my heart, and my heels wobbled as they struggled to keep me upright. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Repeating the mantra within the confines of my skull, I could only hope that if I thought it enough, it’d be true.

“Okay…” The secretary obviously didn’t believe me, and I smiled as her eyes scanned my form. “But you’re not leaving here unless you have a ride. I can call you a taxi unless you have someone willing to pick you up. You fell from seven feet up right on your back…”

“It’s fine. I have someone to call.” Walking on unsteady legs towards my locker, a deep, hard shudder slid down my spine as her gaze followed me. Sitting down to take off my boots, I grabbed my phone from my bag to bring up my dad’s number. This time the phone rang, and rang, and rang, and I nibbled my bottom lip when it eventually went to voicemail.

I tried Owen next, but with the same result.

I tried Jonny, but he didn’t pick up either.

“Nick- erh- Mr. Dun… It’s Hannah…” Holding the phone to my ear, I curled around my knees to listen to the speaker crackle. My chest tightened, and I licked my lips before speaking again. “I’m sorry to call like this, but… I- I fell and the receptionist lady won’t let me leave unless I have a ride.”

“Where are you?” Relief pushed the air from my lungs in a gust, and I rattled off the address before he grunted. “I’ll be right there.”

It took less than ten minutes for the receptionist to come back with Nick in tow, and a guilty, dull smile picked up the corners of my mouth. I must’ve looked a sight, but he didn’t comment on it as he came up to crouch next to me. His expression was twisted, with what I couldn’t tell, and he sighed heavily before breaking the silence.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on with you, Hannah?” The question wasn’t loaded with expectation; I could say ‘no’, and Nick would accept my answer. Taking a shaking breath, I ducked my head to roll my lips between my teeth as I thought. He waited patiently with his eyes never leaving my form, and after a long, tense moment I opened my mouth.

“No one else picked up…” A shudder slid down my spine at my own words, and a small laugh squeezed from my chest. “I’m sorry to make you come down here. I should’ve called my dad, or a cab…”

“You didn’t call James?” Sullenly shaking my head, my mind flew back to this morning. James was quick to tell me to give up and try something else, and Nick must’ve read my thoughts as his voice slithered into my ears. “He can be an ass, but he cares about you, Hannah. You should listen to what he has to say, even if you don’t take his advice.”

“I don’t want his advice.” Busying myself with my boots, a rueful smile twisted my mouth, and the words were sour on my tongue. “He doesn’t understand what I gave up getting here. I can’t just quit now.”

“Don’t be a child.” The harsh snap made me pause, my heart hammering in my chest as Nick’s fingers wrapped around my face. Forcing me to look at him, he grimaced as irritation flared in his eyes. “You think he doesn’t understand sacrifice? His might be different from yours, but that doesn’t mean he can’t help you. Maybe if you asked him about it, you’d realize you’re not so different.”

Releasing me, Nick pushed himself to his feet while I stared, wide-eyed. Blood rushed in my ears, mingling with his harsh tone and words, and I held my breath in strained lungs as he reached into his pocket.

“Get a cab. Go home. You’re an adult now, Hannah- start considering thinking and acting like one.” A $50 bill fluttered to the floor, and Nick turned on his heel to storm out of the studio. Watching his stiff back, I released a sharp exhale as my mind whirled.

What did I honestly expect to happen when I called Nick? The answer to that question was shrouded, and I reached with trembling fingers to rub my chest absently. Carefully standing up once my boots were off, I flexed my toes against the hardwood as I stared at the door. Anxiety swirled in my veins, and I flipped my phone in my palm before turning my eyes downward.

“Daddy? I’m just calling in case you didn’t get my last message. Call me back, okay? I was wondering if we could see each other. Let me know. Okay- I love you… bye.” Hanging up my call, I hoisted my bag strap over my shoulder before making my way out into the cold. My cab was just pulling into the lot, and I lifted my hand in a wave as I fought a frown. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d gotten the urge to frown, and I licked my lips heavily to keep them upright.

Slow and numb, my mind barely noticed the passing scenery as I went from one side of town to the other. Whenever the cab stopped, my gaze snapped to the window only to find I wasn’t home yet. The day ran circles around my brain, digging deep ruts into my skull, and I wrung my fingers together as anxiety built in my gut.

Maybe I should visit my parents. The thought brought a bright, small smile to my face, and I nodded to myself.