Restless was the understatement of the century.

My right knee bobbed up and down so quickly it was a blur of dark denim skirt. I sat on the edge of my bed tapping my heel so hard I was sure if I stayed there long enough I’d make a hole and fall right through to the first floor below.

Restless wasn’t allowed in his house.

Neither was wearing any article of clothing that showed more than an ankle or elbow, cell phones, or any internet access that wasn’t being used for his pre-approved purposes.

Mother’s funeral was hours ago. Father was attending the gathering following the service that only men were permitted to attend.

I caught my reflection in the small mirror above my dresser. My hair might have been brown with a tint of red where my mother’s had been a sunny shade of blonde, but underneath the obnoxious number of freckles that ran across the bridge of my nose and cheeks, there was no doubt it was her face staring back at me.

I pushed down my cuticles and glanced down at my hands, turning them over and inspecting each side.

I had her hands too.

And since stillness was the enemy I stood up and paced my small simple bedroom. The only picture above my bed on the white wall was a little painting of the Virgin Mary holding the baby Jesus.

My father had suggested I handle my grief by prayer, and if that didn’t work, some old fashioned hard work. Like cleaning.

Cleaning.

He’d actually suggested that in order to get over the death of my mother…I should clean.

The suggestion was the real problem. Grief wasn’t. Little did my father know I’d yet to experience it. I felt numb. Frustrated. Angry. But grief was late and I’d decided I wasn’t going to keep the lights on and wait up for it to arrive.

In all my pacing around the room, I managed to knock over a pencil cup from my desk. I knelt on the floor and began to collect them. Reaching under the bed to get the ones that had rolled under there my hand brushed against something hard.

Upon further inspection, I discovered that it was a box.

A box I hadn’t put there.

Sliding the box out from under the bed I sat up and propped it on my lap. It was a worn shoe box. Faded pink with white lettering. There was a thick envelope, the kind you’d send large documents in, taped to the lid with my name scribbled in my mother’s hasty handwriting across the top.

The first page on top of the thick stack I pulled from the envelope was a reader. As I read it to myself, it was her voice I heard.

Sawyer,

My beautiful girl.

There is so much I wish I’d told you.

Despite everything, you somehow still became a kind, smart, and capable young woman. You have so much to offer this world. More than you know.

I have learned in my life that there are two kinds of people. The weak and the strong. Those who are truly strong try and lift others to make them feel just as strong. Those who are weak do their best to make others feel as helpless as they do. Surround yourself with the strong.

Fall in love with the strong.

Share your life with someone who is going to make you face your storms, not hide from them.

I will never be able to forgive myself for not being able to give you the life you deserved but know that I loved you with all my heart and in the end, it was YOU and only you on my mind. You are the greatest gift I’d ever received. Only accept those in your life who feel exactly that same way.

I’m hoping the contents of this box might help you get to know me better, and maybe along the way, you might learn more about yourself. Take my secrets and make them your own.

I love you, my sweet girl, and I’ll keep loving you from now until forever.

You made every single unbearable day on this earth worth every single second and more.

I’m so sorry.

-Mother

Anyone else would probably be in tears after reading a letter from their recently deceased mother, but I was too confused.

Too angry.

How dare she tell me to be brave. How dare she write me a letter instead of sticking around long enough to tell me those things in person!

I set the letter to the side.

The shoebox itself was covered with miscellaneous stickers and doodles complete with heart dotted I’s and smiley faced O’s.

“What were you up to, Mom?” I wondered out loud. That wonder grew when I came across a Polaroid of an old rusted truck towing a tiny camper. As far as I knew, Mom didn’t even have her driver’s license. I’d never even seen her behind the wheel before.

Rusty and Blue 1995 was the caption written in her handwriting underneath in faded black ink.

Inside the box was a keychain with several keys of various colors and sizes and another note from Mom.

You will find Rusty and Blue in Storage Queen Unit #23. Be good to them.

Also in the box was a dainty gold necklace with a sunflower pendant hanging from it. Jewelry that wasn’t of a religious nature was strictly forbidden. How long had mother had the necklace and how on earth did she keep it, as well as a storage unit full of vehicles, a secret from my father?

From ME?

I set the box down and slid the letter off the top of the stack, revealing the document behind it and yet another well-kept secret.

It was a deed, granting me, the trustee of Bobcat Holdings, a piece of land in a town called Outskirts.

Outskirts?

Mother had never mentioned it. I would have remembered. She also never went anywhere by herself and only traveled when it was with my father for the tent service tours during the summer.

As many questions as I had, there wasn’t time to ponder them all because headlights lit up my bedroom window as a car pulled into the driveway. I shoved the contents of the envelope back inside and slid the box back under the bed.

I raced downstairs just in time to be met with the daily disapproving look of hatred from my father who was walking through the door connecting the garage and the laundry room.

I silently hustled past him into the kitchen, with my eyes to the floor. His heavy footsteps following close behind.

I busied myself making his dinner while Father opened the refrigerator to reach for a beer, but decided against it, slamming the door shut and grabbing a bottle of Wild Turkey from the cabinet instead.

Whiskey nights were never good nights.

I smelled the liquor before he’d even opened the bottle because as usual, he’d already been drinking.

When has he NOT been drinking? My mother’s whispered words from a few weeks earlier ran through my head.

I must have laughed out loud.

“What’s exactly is so funny?” Father barked, filling more than half a glass with the amber liquid.

“Nothing, sir,” I answered, with a lifetime of false practiced politeness. I pulled out a chicken from the freezer and a few potatoes from the refrigerator. “I was just finishing my prayers.”

“Prayers are meant to be said on your knees before God, not in the kitchen,” he scolded, setting a thick bank envelope on top of the counter before walking to the living room adjacent to the kitchen. “I need you to take the deposit to the bank first thing in the morning.”

“Yes, sir.” An idea that had been forming in my mind was starting to make more and more sense. An idea that had started to take shape first at my mother’s funeral and then when I discovered the box upstairs. Now, staring at the envelope on the counter it had slithered its way into the center of my brain and taken hold. It was no longer just an idea.

It was a plan.

Father slammed his glass down on the table and my spine jumped. I tried to go about making dinner and ignoring the anger I felt billowing around him like a dust bowl as he pushed off the chair and stomped his way back into the kitchen, but it was impossible to ignore him once he’d gotten that look in his eyes. There was no getting out of what was to come.

It didn’t matter what I’d said.

It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do.

It was always the same.

“I didn’t forget your outburst from earlier. You are to be quiet in public unless spoken to. Just because your mother isn’t here anymore doesn’t change the rules. Not my rules and not God’s rules.” Father stood behind me and I heard the sound I hated most in the world. His belt buckle clanking as he slipped it from the loops. He cracked the leather together in the air, a warning of what was to come. I braced myself with my forearms against the counter like I had a thousand times before.

“The Lord doesn’t tolerate that kind of insubordination, and neither do I,” he ground out, bringing the belt down onto my lower back, the slap felt like a sting at first before turning into a slow burn, growing hotter and hotter as he took out the anger he felt toward the world on me. Blow after blow.

Thankfully, I wasn’t there.

After that first strike, I felt no pain. My mind wandered to the letter from my mom. The keys. The deed to land I never knew she owned and left for me.

I found myself smiling through the pain.

Father struck me for the last time, pushed on my shoulders and sent me falling to the floor. I landed on my hands and knees on the kitchen tile facing the cabinets.

“Get dinner on the table in twenty minutes,” he demanded like a king commanding one of his servants. He threw his belt to the floor. “Pick that up.”

He stomped back to the living room, taking with him whatever sick satisfaction he got from disciplining me. No matter how many times I heard how the Lord required the frequent discipline of women throughout my life I’d never believed it.

I never believed any of it.

I placed my hands on the countertop and used the leverage to pull myself to my feet. I picked up the thick bank envelope and suddenly became very overwhelmed with a feeling I wasn’t familiar with that must have come with my newly formed defiance.

Power.

My shoulders shook and I turned my back to the living room, covering my mouth to prevent any sound from escaping, but again, it was too late.

“Quit your sobbing. She’s gone. There is nothing we can do about it now but pray,” My father called out from the living room.

He didn’t know that I wasn’t actually sobbing.

Especially, since I was too busy laughing.