An hour later, after the movie was wrapped with Boyd’s Adam and Willie’s Eve locked in an embrace, they all reconvened in the barn. Boyd, Willie, Chet, Tom, and Joe sat on picnic table benches while Nick and Kate stood in front of them and briefed them on the broad strokes of the new project.
“You and Nick are such complex, conflict-ridden characters,” Boyd said. “I’ve definitely got to play Nick in the movie.”
“Wouldn’t you rather play yourself?” Nick asked.
“Leonardo DiCaprio will want that part,” Boyd said. “So will George Clooney, but I think he’s too old to do me justice.”
“Sofía Vergara without the accent would do a decent job as me,” Willie said. “But she’d need to get a boob job.”
“Her boobs are enormous,” Chet said.
“Not enough,” Willie said.
“I’ll settle for any of the Hemsworths,” Joe said. “I’m a dead ringer for all three of them.”
“Hopefully, there will never be a movie, because if this story ever comes out, we’ll all end up in jail,” Kate said.
“But the FBI would get us out, right?” Tom said.
Joe gave his head a small shake. “I’m sure it’s CIA.”
“You’re all wrong,” Boyd said. “It’s the Men in Black.”
“No one is going to get us out of jail,” Kate said.
She hoped that wasn’t true, but there was no guarantee anyone could help them if things went wrong.
“Tell us about this biological attack,” Boyd said. “And how my character is going to save a city.”
“We’ve infiltrated a gang of international diamond thieves called the Road Runners,” Kate said. “The group is made up almost entirely of ex-Serbian soldiers and led by a lunatic named Dragan Kovic.”
“A very smart and cautious lunatic,” Nick said. “They’ve made over four hundred million dollars from their robberies as of this week and have never been caught.”
“Now we know what they were doing with all of that money,” Kate said. “They’ve been developing a biological weapon that they will use to attack an American city. They plan to weaponize smallpox.”
“My God,” Tom said. “That’s inhuman.”
“They already have a smallpox sample, but it’s not quite good enough for their purposes,” Nick said. “So they want Kate and me to steal a smallpox sample for them from a research institute in Paris.”
“We need to find Dragan’s lab, retrieve the smallpox sample they already have, and stop them from pulling off their attack,” Kate said.
“Stealing the smallpox in Paris is how we’re going to do it,” Nick said. “We’re going to use a tracking device to follow the stolen virus back to Dragan’s lab and shut them down for good.”
“Aren’t you taking an enormous risk?” Joe said. “What if you lose track of the smallpox and they get away with it?”
“Eliminating the risk is where the con comes in,” Nick said. He looked at Chet and Tom. “You two are going to build a fake biolab in the basement of an empty storefront on the same street as the real lab.”
“The Road Runners will break into a fake lab and steal fake smallpox,” Kate said. “The vial itself will be the tracking device that leads us to Dragan’s lab. Nick and I will be part of the Road Runners crew tunneling into the institute to steal the virus.”
“We’ve also recruited two other people,” Nick said. “Gaëlle Rochon, an expert on the Paris underground, who will be aware that it’s a con, and Huck Moseby, an experienced sewer worker and tunnel digger, who won’t be.”
“Gaëlle’s job is to lead the Road Runners around in circles so they don’t know they are digging into the wrong building,” Kate said. “Huck’s job is to supervise the dig into the lab to steal the virus.”
“I can get photos and blueprints of a real biolab,” Tom said. “Building the fake lab should be easy. The critical issue is how real it has to be, and that depends on whether the Road Runners will be in the room or only seeing it on-screen.”
“Same goes for dressing the lab with scientific equipment and props,” Chet said. “How much of it has to actually work?”
“I will be the only one entering the lab where the smallpox is supposedly kept,” Nick said. “The others won’t go any further than the room that leads to it. That’s the room we are going to dig into from below. So everything just has to look and sound good.”
“Getting the necessary props and equipment, and making them all look like they are working, is not a problem, either,” Chet said.
“In that case, if everybody kicks in to help on the construction, I can have the lab set built in a week,” Tom said.
“I can dress it up as we go,” Chet said.
Joe jerked a thumb at himself. “Where do I fit in?”
Nick turned to him. “We’re going to recruit you as part of the Road Runner team to compromise and control the institute’s security systems.”
“Your cover will be easy to remember,” Kate said. “You’re going to be you. Not your real name, or your real past, but you’ll be demonstrating your real skills.”
“I can handle that, but I still don’t get what I’ll be doing,” Joe said. “There is no security system for me to disable because we aren’t really breaking into the institute.”
“Your job is to create the illusion that we are,” Nick said. “Early on in the job, you will tap into the institute’s actual video surveillance system and integrate our fake lab’s video feed into it for our robbers to see on a monitor that we’ll set up underground for them. That will convince them of our make-believe world. On the day we break into the fake lab, you’ll put on a convincing show of disabling the nonexistent alarm systems.”
“No problemo,” Joe said.
“I’m not sure you understand the danger you’re going to be in,” Kate said, concerned by his enthusiasm. “You’re going to be undercover with us among the thieves. You won’t be on the dig, you’ll be in a van or someplace else nearby. But you will be living and working with the Road Runners while straddling both sides of the operation, the break-in and the con. That’s a dangerous balance to maintain. If they catch you, they will kill you.”
“I get it, don’t worry,” Joe said. “I’ll create fake software interfaces for my computer screen so even if they have a guy sitting next to me in the van, he won’t be clued in to what I am doing.”
“Smart move,” Nick said. “Because Dragan will probably have someone with you so they can keep an eye on us.”
“I only have one question,” Joe said. “What are we going to be seeing on the video feed from the fake lab?”
“The scientists at work,” Nick said, “and the extraordinary precautions they take as they handle and study the viruses.”
“We’re going to be those scientists?” Boyd asked.
“You, Willie, Chet, and Tom,” Kate said. “Everybody is doing double duty on this job.”
“But, Boyd, as the only professional actor among us, this crucial aspect of the con is going to rest on your shoulders,” Nick said. “You need to create the world that we’re breaking into. We need to feel, through the performances of your cast, how dangerous the job is for these scientists and how seriously they take the risks.”
“Who are the characters?” Boyd asked. “What are their backstories? What do they want out of their lives? What personal dramas are playing out through their lab work?”
“We’re counting on you to improvise that,” Nick said. “It’s basically a silent movie, so don’t worry about dialogue. But your laboratory technique has to be absolutely accurate. I’ll get you training videos. Everything depends on the authenticity of the performances you create on that set.”
“It won’t be the first time,” Boyd said. “I was a background doctor on several episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I silently conferred with nurses and other doctors, comforted the loved ones of critically ill patients, and walked urgently down hallways on my way to save lives while Patrick Dempsey and Ellen Pompeo belabored their dialogue in the foreground.”
“What am I driving?” Willie asked. “Because you certainly didn’t bring me into this for my acting ability.”
“Once the fake smallpox is on the move, you’ll be driving or piloting whatever vehicles we need to follow it,” Nick said. “You’ll have cars, a plane, and a boat on tap. Dragan’s lab could be anywhere in Europe.”
“This is the critical endgame,” Kate said. “If we don’t find Dragan’s lab and retrieve the smallpox, people will die.”
Conversation stopped at the sound of a car driving up. The engine cut off. A door slammed shut. Footsteps approached.
Cosmo Uno peered into the barn. “Knock, knock!” he said. “Am I interrupting? What are you doing? Are you making a movie? It looks like you’re making a movie. Like you have movie equipment. Is this a wrap party? Am I too late?”
“Ommigod,” Kate said.
Nick looked over at Kate. “Do you know him?”
“Cosmo Uno,” Kate said. “He works in the cubicle next to me.”
“What cubicle would that be?” Willie asked. “Pee-wee’s playhouse?”
“Hah, I get that a lot,” Cosmo said. “I look like Pee-wee Herman, right? Except he has better clothes. I don’t know how he gets his clothes to fit him like that. They’re all so tight. Where does he hide his gun, right?”
Nick turned his back to Uno and faced Kate. “If he recognizes me I’ll have to kill him.”
“If you kill him I’ll be your sex slave,” Kate said. “I’ll do anything. I’ll learn how to make an omelet, I swear.”
“Promises, promises,” Nick said. “Get him out of here.”
Kate turned Cosmo around and steered him toward the door. “How did you find me?” she asked him.
“I pinged your cellphone and got lucky. I figured it was the perfect time for us to get together and fill out your GS205.”
“Are you kidding me? A GS205?”
“I brought an extra pen.”
Willie tagged after Kate and Cosmo, draped an arm over Cosmo’s shoulders, and pressed her breast into him. “Honey, what’s a GS205? Do I need one?”
“It itemizes civilian damages incurred during an active investigation,” Cosmo said.
“I don’t have any of those,” Kate said.
“According to accounting you destroyed multiple cars, a fast food burger joint, a multimillion-dollar high-rise condo in London, a couple boats…”
“I have to itemize that?” Kate asked, mentally going through a laundry list that included the jewelry store, armored police van, a couple private residences, some “borrowed” planes, and the DVR that she still hadn’t replaced.
“It’s all in the manual,” Cosmo said. “I have a copy in my briefcase here. Do you know there are a bunch of ladies with bald heads in the parking lot? I think they’re smoking dope. One of them said she would give me a tug for five. That’s a good price, right? I think she liked me.”
“Does our boss know you’re here?” Kate asked.
“Maybe not here precisely, but he could find me if he wanted to because I came in a company car and they all have transponders.”
“Damn,” Kate said. “I was never able to get a company car. How’d you get one?”
“I filled out form BBB704ZX,” Cosmo said.
“What kind of car is it?” Willie asked.
“It’s white,” Cosmo said.
Willie looked toward the open barn door. “Can I drive it?”
“No,” Cosmo said. “Only people who have filled out the appropriate requisition can drive that car.”
Willie leaned in, and Cosmo instinctively looked down at the triple-D nipple that was smashed against his chest.
“I’d really like to see your white car,” Willie said. “I’d be very grateful.”
“We aren’t allowed to accept gratuities,” Cosmo said, his eyes going a little glazed.
“Just a look,” Willie said.
Cosmo was still focused on the nipple. “A look?”
Willie slipped her hand into Cosmo’s pants pocket, Cosmo gave a gasp, and Willie pulled out his keys.
“Follow me,” Willie said to Cosmo. “I’m going to take us for a ride.”
“Maybe a little ride,” Cosmo said, “but you’ll have to fill out pedestrian form WA33.”
Willie led Cosmo out of the barn, and there was the sound of car doors slamming shut. The engine turned over, and Willie spun the tires, sending gravel flying against the barn wall. The car flew past the open barn door like white lightning, and Kate heard Cosmo screaming.
“Eeeeeeeeeeeee!”
“He’s from Homeland Security, right?” Chet said.
Kate did a grimace. “Meeting adjourned.”