CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Carson
When I woke up, I couldn’t quite believe it. I was lying on Amelia, my face in her neck. I rolled over very softly, so as not to wake her. I half-sat, planning to creep away. I hadn’t been able to resist her, hadn’t been able to stop this happening. But I should have.
She breathed out slowly, those moist pink lips lightly parted. I felt myself aroused again by the sweetness of her face. She looked so lovely lying there, so inviting that my groin hardened, and I groaned.
“Carson?”
“Amelia,” I whispered. I bent down and kissed her hair. “I should go.”
“I know,” she said. Her eyes were open now, twin pools of ocean. I felt the tug to stay with her, to drown in her soft loveliness until I sank, traceless, into it. But I couldn’t. I felt a sudden panic. I had to leave. How could I do this?
All those years ago, when I had been twenty-one and infinitely more sensible than I was now it seemed, I had known how important it was to break up—how imperative it was not to take her heart to battle with me. Now, ten years later, I was fighting another battle: the enemy might have been invisible and inside me, but I was still embattled and it was not right to bring her to the space of conflict within me.
“Amelia.” I kissed her lips, then stood up, looking about, blinking, for my shirt and pants. What if Brett had looked for me? What would he be thinking now? What if?
She moaned, a sweet soft noise, and all thoughts were banished from my mind, fleeing this beautiful space like darkness when the curtains part. I felt my heart surge.
I shrugged on my shirt and sat down on the bed, drawing on my briefs. Amelia moved and knelt beside me, arms around my shoulders. I kissed her arm.
“I have to go,” I repeated gently.
“I know,” she whispered into my hair.
I dressed hastily and stood, then kissed her in the doorway. She molded herself to me in that sweet way that drove me crazy. I breathed out a big sigh and stroked her hair.
I looked into her eyes, feeling my own eyes moist again. I blinked rapidly and turned away.
When I shut the door behind me I felt bereft. My heart was on the other side of that door and I left it, an empty voyager, walking without direction to my room. I collapsed on the bed and looked up at the ceiling.
“Carson Grant, you’re stupid.”
I was being an absolute fool. I was in love with her. What could I do?
I wanted her so badly that my body was already twitching, already wanting her. I couldn’t believe it! How could I have let this happen? I had been so good, so diligent, in walking away. Now I had gone and started it all off again, made myself love her and set the whole pattern off again.
I sighed. I should go and shower. I slid out of the clothes again and drew on a robe, heading out into the hallway.
In the shower, the dark thoughts fell away. The smell of mint-scented shower gel wreathed me and with it the glow of happiness and wonder came back. I forgot about all the negatives and dwelt on the sweet wonder of my memories. I thought about the way she kissed me, her long arms around me, the way she groaned.
Oh, my. I want you so much, Amelia. My love.
I closed my eyes, stinging with soap and tears of need. I had many other women during my time in the army, but Amelia had always been the one who held my heart. She was the woman of my heart; therefore I should protect her against myself.
I turned off the shower and dried myself, then went back to my room. I tried to get some emails written, but my mind was elsewhere. It was, to be precise, beside Amelia. Thinking of her, replaying each delicious second.
“Oh, God.”
I didn’t want to but I knew I should end this. I couldn’t keep on paying more and more of myself into this doomed situation. I loved Amelia as I ever had. And, when I was twenty-one, I had the basic sense to break things off. Why, now, ten years later, couldn’t I do the same? I knew what I had to do: I had to make her hate me before the feelings between us overwhelmed us both.
I closed my eyes and clenched my hands. I couldn’t do this. I had to think of some way round this constant ache for her. I had to do something. I couldn’t just go with my feelings on this or I would ruin her life. I wouldn’t let myself destroy her. Never again.
***
When Carson left, I stayed where I was. I wouldn’t have moved, just then, for anything in the world. My body was filled with a wild happiness and at once I was so relaxed I thought I might die.
“I can’t quite believe it.”
I couldn’t. I was sitting in my nightie, my arms around myself. I could still smell Carson and could still feel him touching me. I shivered, stood and drew on my nightgown.
The memories of the previous evening played around my mind. The feel of his strong hands on my skin. The way his mouth explored me. The sweet fullness as he slid inside me, banishing all thought except the wild need to push against him, faster and faster and faster until I screamed with pleasure.
Part of me couldn’t quite believe that what happened was real. That I had actually slept with Carson here, on this bed. I touched the covers, letting the satiny microfiber of the cover slide under my palm. Here was where he had lain. It still felt warm.
Oh, Carson. I love you.
I wrapped my arms around myself and thought about what had just happened. I couldn’t have felt more wonderful if I tried. My mind soared and my heart was full.
I sighed. I should probably wash, I thought. Somehow, I didn’t want to clean the scent of him from my skin. I looked at the clock. It was 10:00 p.m. I chuckled a little shakily. We had been together for about an hour. It was the most wonderful way to spend an hour. I stretched, feeling every muscle warm and relaxed.
I felt wonderful.
I headed into the hallway for a shower, finding myself drawn to where his room was just across the landing from mine. I looked at the door, smiling, and slipped into the bathroom, which was opposite the door that led to his room. As the shower sluiced hot water over me, I closed my eyes and recalled the sweetness of his hands on my body, the way his fingers slid over me, seeking out my places of pleasure.
I washed myself and dried my hair, then headed back to my room. I had meant to compare my and Jess’s books, making a last check. As I fired up my laptop I found I was filled with a giddy, happy energy. Working didn’t seem so hard.
I set about checking the columns and I even found myself calculating the tax return. Everything was easy and pleasant now that I had Carson beside me. My heart was in a place of joy it hadn’t been, I realized, for years.
I have always loved Carson.
It was a surprise to me, even though I think on one level I always knew the truth of it. I loved Carson and there was no other man who had ever made me feel as he did.
When I had finished checking the taxes I rolled onto my back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling.
I am so happy.
Of all the strange and wonderful things that might have happened for Christmas, this was the absolute last one I would have expected. It was only the twenty-third of the month, for Heaven’s sakes! In three days, my life had changed.
I grinned and leaned back, hugging myself. I slid under the covers, recalling each delicious instant of our time together.
My body heated with longing as I thought of his lips, pushed onto mine, his body, hard cock pulsing, thrust in me. I longed to feel it.
I knew, without the slightest doubt in my mind, that Carson was the man I would always want. I also knew that he could be difficult sometimes. But it didn’t matter to me; not at all. He was the man I wanted.
“Carson,” I murmured as I lay there, snuggled under the coverlet, my nose filled with the musk of his scent. “I love you.”
I wished I could have whispered it to him as he nestled close to me. But I hoped, in my heart, that saying it was enough. I felt sure he would know that; that he would read the message in my eyes and know I loved him.
I fell asleep looking forward to breakfast.