“What happens when living your dream isn’t enough?” ~ Holliday Hughes
I walk out of the coffeehouse and tighten my coat around me. Seattle is too damn cold. It seemed like a good idea to return here, to maybe start over here… to hopefully find the point where my life veered off in the wrong direction. I wanted to retrace my steps and follow the right path back home, but I lost my way. The only breadcrumbs I’ve found are the ones left behind from my wife walking out on me.
The one bonus of this city is that I’ve been able to blend in here. I grew a beard, put on a flannel shirt and a beanie, and walk around unnoticed. It’s been good, grounding in ways, despairing in others.
I sit at the end of the bed on top of the scratchy brown cover that if blue-lighted would make me want to get STD tested. Staring at the yellowing wallpaper behind the TV rabbit ears, I know it’s time to leave. I shouldn’t be here and the music scene doesn’t fit my mood any longer. I was angrier when I arrived. Now, I’m not so sure what I am anymore.
My laptop is open on the bed next to me and I pull up a car rental website.
Texas, here I come.
Driving cross-country seemed like a good idea at the time. Fourteen hours of being stuck in the car with shitty radio stations and not enough good music on my phone to keep me interested, I turn off the highway and park in front of a diner. I hoped getting in touch with what was happening on the radio these days would take my mind off the rest of my life, but bad music makes me miss my life more than I already do.
A bell dings when I walk inside. Finding a seat in a booth by the window, I slide in. The place isn’t crowded, which I like. Avoiding people has moved up my priority list recently. It’s the kind of joint where the waitress pours the coffee in your cup without asking. I’m given a menu and Flo waits while I read over it. Since there are only a handful of customers, she has nothing better to do anyway. “Do you have an egg white omelet?” I ask.
“This is Wyoming, not California.” She shoves the pen behind her ear, preparing to be standing here awhile.
“I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries.”
“Good choice.”
When she walks away, I pull out the phone and set it in front of me. It’s a cheap model that I’ve never had to use. It’s not ever rung. Not once. Nobody has the number. The decision to untie myself from my old life wasn’t easy. Everyone else made the choice for me:
The media
Tommy
Rochelle
Dex
My parents
The lawyers
Rory
The record label
My other phone is in the front pocket of my bag in the car. I left the charging cable, lost it along the way to the hell I was headed to. I eye the cable behind the counter and for a brief moment debate whether I should charge it. I wonder what I’ll find. I wonder if I’ve been missed. I wonder if anyone cared to notice my absence when I stopped answering.
Holliday called a few times, but she stopped trying. She always was a smart woman… everybody wanted something from me and I didn’t want anything but her.
My mind has been fucked up over Cory’s death, the pressures of the band without him, and not wanting to tour when the label said we had to. I’ve been doing what everyone else wanted me to do. The wheels are in motion, leading me right to the hell where I sit now, alone.
Car after car after truck and 18-wheeler cruises along the highway. I stare out the dirt covered window, wondering when I decided my pride was more important than my family. I’ve had too much time to think about everything that’s happened, too much time to think about Holliday. I might have hated her for screwing me over back then. But time, like my anger has transformed into something else. What I used to not have enough of, I now have too much on my hands. My hand moves closer to the phone, but I don’t touch it. Not yet.
Time has given me perspective. Maybe I grew up a little too. Holliday was never the problem. She’s always been the solution. It just pisses me off that perspective has come at the cost of my wife, and expense of my baby. I screwed up. She hates me. She’ll never take me back. Not after what I’ve done, not after losing faith in her, not after being gone while she carries our child.
I’ve let her down like I let my parents down. Maybe it was always inevitable, but why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t I swallow down my demons and be the man she needs me to be? How did I even get here? How did I end up choosing to drive away from her instead of toward her?
Rash decisions with unseen consequences.
Dropping my head into my hands, I can see her when I close my eyes. Her smile. Her eyes, the damn sexy tattoo just above her hip. The way she tilts her head back when she laughs. The curve of her neck. The indention at the base of her throat that I like to lick. I can feel her in my bones. I mistakenly thought she was the blood that flowed through my veins. She’s not. She’s the marrow that gives me strength. She’s so much a part of me that I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been for letting it get this far. The first step is always the hardest, but it’s time I take it. Looking up, I pick up the phone and call her.
“Hello?” The voice is desperate, but it’s not the one I expect.
“Hello?” I reply, not recognizing her.
“Hello, who is this?”
“Johnny. Who’s this?”
“Jack? Is that you?”
“Yes.”
Her words are quick, desperation heard. “This is Marilyn, Holli’s mom.”
“Oh hi, sorry I didn’t recognize you. Is Holliday there?”
“No. I was actually hoping this was her calling.”
I sit upright. “Why would she be calling her own phone?”
Marilyn goes quiet, but finally says, “She left hours ago, leaving her phone behind and I’m worried.”
“Why are you worried?”
“Jack, she’s not doing well. She’s had health issues—”
My stomach drops and my hand tightens around the phone. Afraid of what she’s going to say next, I whisper, “Is the baby okay?” I pray she says what I want to hear.
“The baby is fine.” I exhale as she continues, “As for my daughter, I’m not sure. That’s why I’m worried. She went for a nap and shortly after, came downstairs and walked out.”
I run my hand over my face. I’m such a selfish fucking prick. I abandoned her when she needed me most. “Did she say anything before she left?”
“She just said she was going out for awhile, but that was three hours ago. I don’t know, call it mother’s intuition, but I feel like something’s wrong.”
My mind frantically flips through a mental Rolodex of Holliday’s friends. My food is set down in front of me, but I’ve lost my appetite. Without looking up at the waitress, I ask, “Did you call Tracy?”
“Yes. She hasn’t heard from her today at all.”
I eye the phone charger behind the counter again. What if she’s called me? What if she tried to get a hold of me and couldn’t? Fuck! Pushing the plate away, I slam my fist down. Where is she? I say, “My other phone is dead. Keep this number, Marilyn. If you hear from her you call me immediately or have her call me.”
“I will. But Jack, please don’t hurt her again.”
“I won’t. I promise.” My voice drops as my guilt sets in. “I’m sorry.” And I realize this is gonna be the first of many apologies I give.
“She deserves better than you’ve given her.” She’s right, so I let her finish. “Either be here or let her go, but don’t let her live in this purgatory any longer.”
I’m getting off way too easy. Holliday deserves so much more. But I’m gonna find her. I’m going to tell her what she means to me. And I’m going to love her with all that I can like I should have done all along. “Call me as soon as you hear from her.”
“I will,” she says, “And Jack, take care of yourself.” She hangs up and I’m left there sick to my stomach.
The woman who has consumed my days for months has disappeared and I’m sitting in Wyoming eating a fucking cheeseburger. I stand and toss some money down. When I head for the door, Flo calls after me, “What about your food, Handsome?”
“I’ve got to go.” I jump into the car and start the engine. Dirt flies up behind the car, leaving the diner in a cloud of dust as I feed onto the highway. I call Rochelle.
“Hello?”
“Rochelle, it’s me.”
“Johnny?”
“Yes.”
Her questioning turns angry. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick.”
“Have you heard from Holliday?”
“No. Her mom called earlier, but I don’t think we need to worry just yet. She’s only been gone a few hours.”
I have trouble controlling my emotions when I snap, “I need to find her!”
“Calm down, Johnny. She might be in yoga. She could have gone to a movie.”
“In the middle of the day? She left her phone, Rochelle. That’s not like her. She always has her phone on her.”
She sighs. “There are plenty of things to be upset over. Holli needing a little time off isn’t one of them. I’m sure she’ll be home any minute. She probably just went to the beach to clear her head.”
Fuck. The beach. Why didn’t I think of that? “That’s probably it.” I feel my heart slow to a regular beat, and ask, “I know I’ve lost a lot of rights when it comes to her, but if I ask you how she’s been, will you tell me?”
“Honestly?” Rochelle asks. “She’s not good. How do you think she would be?”
“I love her, so fucking much, but I’ve screwed up.”
“Royally, Johnny.”
“How can I fix it?”
“You already know the answer.” Her exasperation is heard.
I nod though she can’t see me and confess, “I thought I could hide out and play music in some dive. But I can’t go on like this anymore.”
“Why not?”
My voice cracks as I swallow hard and say, “Because I need her. I love her, Rochelle.”
“She needs you. But even more, she still loves you, too. I know this. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about you or you are mentioned.”
“I’ve become a mere mention in her life.”
“That’s your doing. But you can fix this by coming back.”
“I’m already on my way.” I pass a sign that indicates I have another hour until I’m in the nearest city with an airport. “Her mom said the baby’s okay. Is that true?”
“I’m not going to lie to you, Johnny. Things have changed with her. Holli’s not the same woman you were with. She has wounds that aren’t visible, but they’re there. I just hope you find her before they scar her permanently.”
“So you don’t think it’s too late?”
“It’s never too late to make amends. You’re better than your actions have shown. This isn’t you, Johnny. You’re not a careless person, so stop pretending you have no responsibilities. You have a wife and a child on the way. Be the man I know. Be the man Cory respected. Be you again. We’re all here waiting for you to return to us.”
From anyone else, this would be a knife to the heart. But Rochelle’s different. She always was. She took a punk kid and helped to make me into a man. Not by insulting me, but by expectation. “You don’t hate me?”
“You piss me off sometimes,” she says lightheartedly. “But I could never hate you. I love you, Johnny.”
“I love you too. Thank you.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You’ve done more than I can thank you for.”
She laughs. “You’re making me all teary. Stop it,” she jokes. “So hey, this is your number now?”
“It’s temporary until I can charge my other one. You can use it if you need me.”
“Thanks. If I hear from Holli, I’ll pass it on.”
“Thanks. You doing all right?”
“Better now that I’ve heard from you.”
“Yeah, it’s good to hear your voice.” A small smile slips into place. “Take care. Okay?”
“You too and don’t be a stranger.”
“I won’t. Not anymore.”
I drive to the closest city and hop on a flight a few hours later. I just hope I’m not too late. Rochelle’s right. I’ve fucked up royally and I may pay the price and lose Holliday for good. I hope that’s not that case, but I deserve it if it is.
Maybe she can find it in her heart to forgive an unforgivable soul.
The air at LAX is thick with notoriety. Paparazzi are swarming the airport. I’m glad I shaved on the plane, but I wonder if I would have gone unnoticed if I’d kept the beard.
Security surrounds me, but it won’t be enough. I’ve played this game too long to know that four guards won’t stand a chance against them. We’re pushed. One guard is called a name. I turn my music up, hoping to block the sounds of ‘adultery’, ‘love child’, and ‘Sebastian’ that are shouted at me. A cab is waiting for me, the door wide open. One of the perks of fame.
I call Holliday’s mom as soon as we leave the airport. She answers after the first ring, “Jack?”
“I’m in LA. Where is Holliday?”
“I heard from her an hour ago, but your phone doesn’t have voicemail so I couldn’t leave a message.”
My determination to get to her kicked in before we hung up back in Wyoming. I’m indomitable now. “Where is she?”
“I’ll tell you where she is, but I’m only telling you because she needs you right now. If you go out there to hurt her—”
“I won’t, Marilyn. Now where’s ‘out there?’”
“Ojai. She’s at the property.”
Letting out a huge sigh of relief, I say, “I should’ve known. I’m going straight there. Don’t tell her. I think it’s best if I see her first. How is she?”
“Okay health wise, but other than that, I’m not sure.” She huffs as if she can’t stop this, so she gives in. “I trust you to make this right, whatever is right for her.”
There’s no wavering on my part. “I only want what’s best for Holliday.” She’s the only thing that matters anymore.
“Be careful, Jack, and safe travels.”
“Thanks.”
My phone rings as soon as I hang up with Marilyn. “Hello?”
“So you’re back in LA, I see,” Rochelle says, all knowing.
“News travels fast.”
“The press works that way. You’re all over the online gossip sites.”
“I’m going to see Holliday, Rochelle.”
She sounds anxious. “You know where she is?”
“Yes,” I reply. “Would you have told me?”
“I would have if I believed you were ready and she was ready to see you.”
“Do you believe we are?”
The silence indicates she’s thinking. “Yes.” There’s another pause, then she says, “You don’t have to figure out life apart. You can do it together. Life is fucking hard. I know that more than anyone, but it’s so worth it when you have someone by your side going through it with you.”
“I don’t know if she’ll take me back.”
“And you won’t until you try. I want you to know that I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks. But I’m just the fool who let her get away in the first place.”
“Holli’s a great girl. She’s level-headed, but her heart sure is weak to you. I think you two will be fine. Just be kind to one another and leave your ego behind.”
“I will. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Bye.
I tip the cabbie well. He’s earned it for driving me out here. When he drives off, I walk up to the gate and punch in the code. After shutting it behind me, I stop, standing there looking at the house up on the hill. I’ve been away from her for too long and don’t want to wait any longer. I jog up the rest of the way. The house is dark from the front, so I head for the back, choosing to go in that way instead. My heart rate picks up with each step as I approach. My palms are sweating by the time I round the corner, nervous what the night holds for me. I’m anxious to finally see Holliday after all of these months and I hope she doesn’t kick me out. The fire in the pit on the patio grabs my attention and then I spot her. I stop, holding my breath, and stand there.
The top of her head is seen just above the back of the Adirondack chair she’s sitting in. The wind is blowing lightly and strands of her hair float above her head highlighted by the soft light on the back of the house. Her feet are propped up on the stone surrounding the fire, her gaze focused up at the sky. I follow and look up. The stars are out, millions to be seen. Something I’ve always loved about this property is how you can see them so clearly at night without the distractions of the city.
I take a harsh breath. I want to go to her, to touch her, to be near her, but I hold myself back, which feels a lot like I’m stabbing my own heart. I set my bag down and move closer, but keep a distance so I don’t scare her. I say, “Our bodies are stardust to bare. I left you when you should have been the one to part. Your beauty haunts me for the stars can’t compare. The morning light gives us a new start.”
For a few intolerable seconds, she doesn’t move, but then she sits forward and turns around. Her eyes are shining, the stars little reflections in her tears. When she looks down, she wipes them, seeming to be embarrassed to feel this much. When she looks up again, she asks, “Do you think morning can still bring a new start?”
“I hope so.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for you and the baby.” I know I’m leaving myself open for a harsh comeback, but I’ll take whatever she throws at me and let her get it out. I deserve worse.
But she doesn’t throw sarcasm or hate or even anger. Her hand covers her stomach and she stands. My eyes go to her middle. Her shirt is loose, so I can’t see any changes, but I can see it in her face. It’s thinner. She’s more beautiful than any other woman could even try to be, but tired. Then she uses something much more dangerous on me—kindness. “We’ve waited a long time for you.”
We’re standing just ten feet apart, but it feels like I have an ocean to trudge through to get to her. “If I…” I look down, ashamed. “If I could take it all back, I would. I lost faith in the one person that would never betray me.”
Her head drops and she starts crying.
I take a step closer, not wanting to invade the space I forfeited months earlier. “Hollida—”
Looking up, tears streak down her face, she says, “After all you did, all you did to hurt me and this baby, you show up here after months of being gone, months of not calling and all I want to do is hug you. What is wrong with me? You’re the last person I should want to hug right now. But here you are and my heart is beating again and just seeing that you’re safe and healthy, and so damn annoyingly handsome that I want to run to you, but how do I push all the pain you put me through away?”
“You don’t. I don’t deserve you and you’d be smart not to ever talk to me again, but despite wanting to protect you and your personal space all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and kiss you.”
She takes a step closer and I take another. Then I take a chance and close the distance. I can’t resist her anymore. I hold her as tight as I can in my arms for as long as she’ll let me. It’s not nearly long enough. She pushes off gently and walks to the other side of the fire pit. With her arms crossed, her weight shifts to her right and she stares at me. “I’m really mad at you, Dalton.”
“You should be.”
With the back of her wrist, she swipes it across her face collecting the last of the reflective tears from her skin. Raising her chin, she says, “Why are you here now?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For everything.”
“Be specific.”
“I know the baby’s mine.”
“Oh wow,” she snarks, rolling her eyes, “you got all that without a paternity test? I thought for sure I’d receive a court order to prove who the father is.”
Shot one to the heart. I’ll take each and every one though because she hasn’t kicked me out yet. “I know you didn’t sleep with that model.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you.”
She shakes her head, getting annoyed. “You didn’t know me when you came charging onto the film set, insulted me, humiliated me, then left me?”
“I have no excuses. I can’t explain where my head was at, Holliday. I saw those photos and—”
“I could have explained those photos if you would have given me a chance.” She looks me in the eyes, and says, “I shouldn’t have taken the ride. I said no, but felt pressured into it. To me it was harmless, but out of respect for you, I will apologize for accepting. The rest was bullshit gossip that you believed.”
“All I knew was my world was spinning out of control and I couldn’t control it—”
“So you decided to destroy it the rest of the way, help it along?”
“You have every right to be mad. I’ll give that to you.”
“You don’t have to give it to me. It’s here, full blown. Oh wait, or is it Johnny to me as well these days?”
“You can hit me with your words or your fists if that will help, but I want you to know that I’m sorry. All of me. All…” I struggle to say the rest, my love for this woman clumped in my throat, wanting to come out, but stuck, just like we are. “I’m nothing without you.”
“You figured that out now? You figured that out by leaving me to go through this pregnancy alone? My friends have stepped in where you left me. I went to appointments by myself. I heard our baby’s heartbeat the first time and every time after without you by my side. I was puking every meal I ate while you were off fucking someone else and ‘finding yourself’, so when you say you are nothing without me, it makes me realize I didn’t have that luxury because I had to be everything for this baby—mother and father. I was preparing to raise this child without you because you ran off to wherever you were this whole damn time.” She turns her back to me and the action hurts just as much as the words. “I don’t need you back, Johnny. We have learned to live our lives without you in it. That’s your doing. That’s your legacy to your family.” Stunned in place, she leaves me, goes inside the house, and slams the door closed.