CHAPTER NINETEEN
October 1941
“Ruby?” Aubert’s eyes were wide with alarm as Ruby entered Café Michel on the rue de Bourgogne just past noon. She had racked her brain all night trying to think where she might find him, and finally, she had remembered Marcel mentioning the place in passing, back when the Nazis first entered Paris. Aubert sometimes stopped there, Marcel had said once before abruptly falling silent, as if he’d said something wrong. Ruby had barely noticed it at the time, but in retrospect, she was sure he’d revealed something he wasn’t supposed to. In any case, here Aubert sat, in the back of the café. There were Nazi soldiers dining nearby, talking, laughing, their plates piled with meat, bread, and vegetables, their glasses full of wine. She hated them with a ferocity that surprised her.
“Hello, Aubert,” she said, impressing herself with how calm she sounded.
His eyes widened further. “It’s Philippe,” he corrected. “Surely you have me confused with someone else.”
She stared at him for a moment before she understood. He was using an alias. Had Marcel had one too? There were so many things she didn’t know. “Yes, of course. Philippe. My mistake.”
“Not a problem.” His smile was unnaturally stiff. “Would you like to take a stroll?” He was already placing a few coins on the table before she could respond. He grabbed her arm and led her out of the café.
“What in the hell are you doing here?” he demanded in a whisper as soon as they were on the street.
“Trying to find you.”
“Ruby.” He sighed and withdrew a handkerchief from his pocket, blotting at the sweat that had beaded on his forehead. “Your husband was executed for aiding Allied fugitives, in case you’ve forgotten. You could have led the Nazis straight to me!”
“I wasn’t followed.”
“You approached me in a café right under the Germans’ noses!”
“You were sitting in a café right under the Germans’ noses,” Ruby pointed out.
“Part of my cover. I’m a collaborator, as far as they know. You can’t just put that in peril.”
“You need to listen to me.” She was sick of being chided. “I’m sheltering an RAF pilot.”
All at once, he went very still. “Pardon?”
“He showed up five days ago, looking for Marcel. He had a bad infection and a high fever. He’s on the mend, but he needs to get back to England.” There was a lump in her throat as she said the words.
“He just appeared at your door?”
Ruby nodded. She tried not to think of how vulnerable Thomas had looked when he collapsed in the hall. “He’d heard about the escape line from another pilot who made it home safely.”
“Damn it!” Aubert’s face turned red. “They’re not supposed to talk about the details.”
Ruby remained silent until Aubert calmed down. “I need to connect Thomas—the pilot—to someone who can help him get out of Paris. And after that, I want to help. I want to help on the escape line.”
“That’s ridiculous, Ruby. You can’t help.”
She flinched. “How can you say that? I’m already helping.”
“Marcel said you meant well, but that’s not enough, Ruby.”
“There’s much more to me than good intentions.”
Aubert stared at her for a moment. “Marcel also said you were careless. I’m sorry.”
The words hit their mark. “Yes, well, Marcel was wrong about a lot of things. You know that as well as I do. He was hot-tempered and rash, and I’m not.”
Aubert didn’t say anything for a long time. “It’s dangerous work, Ruby.”
“You think I don’t know the risks?”
Aubert sighed and put his hands up in a gesture of defeat. “I’ll send someone to pick up your pilot tomorrow. If all goes well, we can talk. But I make no promises.”
She nodded, struggling to keep a straight face. “How will I know that the person who arrives tomorrow to retrieve the pilot is legitimate?”
“She will address you with a code name.”
She? So there were other women working on the line. Had Marcel worked side by side with them, treating them with respect while he belittled her? “A code name?”
“We all have one. It’s helpful not to know one another’s true identity.” He paused and studied her. “From now on, you’ll be Fleur.”
“Fleur?”
He smiled slightly. “Marcel said you were always talking about the poppy fields back home. Alors, now you have a chance to be your own flower.”
He whirled around and walked back into the café before she could say another word. She wasn’t sure whether the name was meant to mock her, but she liked it regardless. She allowed herself a tiny smile before turning in the opposite direction.
Fleur, she thought as she headed back toward her apartment. She who blooms in the midst of the darkness. She felt invincible as she walked past a cluster of Nazi soldiers at the corner of the rue de l’Université. One of them whistled at her, but she ignored him. She finally had a purpose, a reason for being here, but there was also a part of her that was full of regret.
Thomas. Sending him on his way was the right thing. There was no doubt about it, but Ruby knew her apartment would feel empty without him. How was that possible? She’d only just met him.
You can’t think that way, she reminded herself as she hurried along, keeping her eyes straight ahead. You can’t get emotionally involved. But there was something different about Thomas, something she couldn’t quite put a finger on. And now perhaps she’d never know why she felt the way she did.
It was nearing dusk when she arrived home. “Hello?” she called when it seemed she was alone in the apartment. For a moment, her heart was in her throat. Had the authorities come for Thomas? Had something happened? But a moment later, he emerged from her wardrobe, looking sheepish.
“I heard someone and hid,” he said, running his right hand through his hair. “Sorry.”
“No. You did the right thing.”
“Where were you?” He paused and shook his head. “I’m sorry. That came out wrong. Not that I have any right to know. What I mean is, I was worried. Are you all right?”
“Actually, I went to meet with the man I told you about, the one my husband knew. And good news; he’s sending someone from the escape line to pick you up tomorrow.”
“Oh.”
“I thought you’d be excited.”
Thomas looked away. “I am. And I’m glad I won’t be a danger to you anymore. But—”
“But what?”
“But who will protect you if I’m not here?”
Ruby could feel her cheeks heating up. “You’re worried about me?”
He looked surprised. “Well, of course.”
“It’s been an awfully long time since anyone cared what happened to me.”
“It shouldn’t be that way, Ruby. I know I’ll always care, now that I’ve met you.”
Something inside of her felt like it was breaking open. “I’ll always care about what happens to you too.”
They held each other’s gaze for a long moment, and Ruby could almost hear her own heart beating.
Thomas was the one to speak first. “I should tell you that your friend Charlotte came to the door today.”
“Charlotte? From next door?”
He nodded. “Her mother fell.”
“Oh, no! Is Madame Dacher all right?”
Thomas nodded. “She’s fine, I believe. If I had to hazard a guess, she hadn’t been eating enough and simply fainted. She hit her head on the way down, so there was some blood, which must have been frightening to Charlotte.”
“You went to their apartment?”
“It was the right thing to do. She was looking for you. She sounded scared.”
“You risked being spotted in order to help her.”
He shrugged and looked away.
“I should go check on her,” Ruby murmured after a pause. But she couldn’t move. Thomas was staring at her again, and it made her wish, somehow, that she could linger in this moment for a while more. “You’re a good man, Thomas,” she said. “A very good man.” She didn’t wait for a response before slipping out the door.
“I THINK THE PILOT LOVES you,” Charlotte said gravely to Ruby thirty minutes later, after Ruby had checked on Madame Dacher, who was awake, though still woozy.
“He’s only been here a few days, Charlotte! People don’t fall in love that quickly.”
“Sometimes a few days is all it takes,” Charlotte said confidently, and Ruby had to hide a smile. Charlotte might be wise beyond her years, but she was still a child. She couldn’t possibly understand such things.
“He’ll be gone very soon anyhow, back to England.”
“The war will end someday, you know. And then you can see him again.”
If we both survive, Ruby thought. But she mustered a smile and said, “Let’s not make this into something it’s not. I’m just helping him for a few days, that’s all. Now, you’re sure you and your mother are all right?”
Charlotte nodded.
“Please don’t hesitate to come get me if anything goes wrong.”
“Okay. Please tell your pilot I’m grateful.”
Ruby slipped out of the Dachers’ apartment with Charlotte’s words ringing in her ears. Your pilot. The mere thought of him belonging to her was enough to make her light-headed. But she was being foolish, and she knew it.
She drew a deep breath and forced herself back to reality before opening the door to her own apartment. Inside, it smelled like someone was cooking, but that was impossible. “Thomas?”
“In here.”
She rounded the corner to the kitchen to find two candles lit on the table and Thomas standing at the stove. “What are you doing?” she asked.
He turned and smiled. “I hope you don’t mind. I’m making us a meal. Charlotte gave me a bit of bread and cheese. It’s not much, but my mother always said I had a special talent with cheese on toast. I thought we might bring half to the Dachers and share the rest between us.”
She just stared at him, sure this was some kind of a mirage. Never in all the time she’d spent with Marcel had he ever offered to cook for her. No man had done that. She knew the bread was likely stale and the cheese was probably old, but somehow, it smelled like the most delicious thing in the world.
“Sit down,” Thomas said, turning back to the stove. “Make yourself comfortable. I wish I could offer you a glass of wine, but alas, all I have is water.”
“Wait, I have some wine,” Ruby said. She’d been saving the last of Marcel’s collection for a special occasion, but this was just that, wasn’t it? She went to the cupboard in the parlor and rummaged in the back until she found a bottle of 1937 Bordeaux. “Will this do?” she asked, returning to the kitchen.
Thomas raised his eyebrows and grinned. “If you’re sure you want to open it, I think it would elevate the meal to a proper feast.”
THE OPEN-FACED SANDWICH THAT THOMAS prepared was one of the best things Ruby had ever eaten, and by the time they’d made it through the bottle of wine, they were sitting on the couch side by side, sharing stories of their childhoods. Ruby told him about the time she got lost in the poppy fields the year she was five and how frightened she’d been, and Thomas chuckled and told her about how he’d been the same age when he wandered off one afternoon in London, scaring his poor parents half to death. They talked about school and their childhood dreams; Ruby had wanted to be a teacher, and Thomas had hoped to be a doctor.
“I always loved science,” he explained. “And I like taking care of people. It seemed like a logical path to follow. In fact, I had already taken several courses in anticipation of continuing on to medical school.”
“So why didn’t you?”
He sighed. “The war happened. I wanted a chance to help. I had just finished university when I decided to enlist.”
“Do you think you’ll go back to school? Become a doctor someday?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. A doctor is supposed to save lives, but I’ve had to take them. I’m not sure how that has changed who I am.”
“Things are different in wartime. And you’re fighting for a greater good.”
“But there must be Germans who feel that way too. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the sky, Ruby, it’s that absolutely nothing is black and white. And as a doctor, I think you’re supposed to see the world a bit more scientifically. I’m just not sure that’s the person I am anymore.”
“But maybe, in a way, you’ve become a better person. After all, it’s the nuances that make the world beautiful, isn’t it?” Her cheeks warmed as Thomas held her gaze.
“And how about you?” he asked. “Do you still want to be a schoolteacher?”
“A year ago, I would have said no. But I’ve been working with Charlotte, helping her to learn English, and it has reminded me how much I love education. Knowledge is power, especially in times like these.”
Thomas nodded. “Talking of Charlotte, she mentioned something to me when I was in her apartment earlier,” he said. “It’s my fault; I was asking about you, and I’m afraid I pried more than I intended.”
Ruby blinked a few times. “What did she say?”
“She told me about the baby. I’m so very sorry, Ruby.”
Ruby felt suddenly numb, cold. She was glad, in a way, that Thomas knew. She had wanted to tell him the night before, but she hadn’t known how to say the words.
When she didn’t say anything, he went on. “He’s who you were talking about last night, isn’t he? You said that you felt as if you’d failed because you couldn’t save him.”
The tears were falling now, and she didn’t bother to pretend otherwise. “He came too early. I wasn’t strong enough.”
“Ruby.” He reached for her hands and waited until she looked at him. “I can’t even imagine the pain of a loss like that. But you must know that it wasn’t your fault.”
“But a mother’s most important job is to protect her child.”
“Sometimes that’s impossible, though. I know you well enough now to know that you did everything you could to keep that baby safe, didn’t you?”
Ruby nodded, feeling miserable.
“Sometimes, God’s plans are different from ours, and it’s impossible to know why,” Thomas said. “I need to ask something of you, Ruby.”
She looked up, startled. He was asking her a favor in the midst of a conversation like this? “All right.”
“I need you to forgive yourself.”
“Thomas—”
“Please, let me finish. You can carry the sadness with you, but not the guilt. Guilt will eat you alive, and in this case, there’s no reason for it. It’s not my business, Ruby, but if there’s one thing I hope for you, it’s that you’ll try to let go of the feeling that you failed, because you didn’t. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy. And I don’t think you will be, not entirely, until you lay this burden down.”
When he was done speaking, she stared at him for a long time. “I’ll try,” she whispered at last. “But why do you care? We’ll probably never see each other again.”
“The war will end someday, Ruby,” Thomas replied. “And Paris isn’t so far away from London.”
Ruby let herself imagine a future where they could have all the time in the world to get to know each other. But that simply wasn’t realistic. What were the chances that an RAF pilot and an American girl in Paris would find their way back to each other? She settled for saying, “It’s a nice thought, Thomas. A very nice thought.”
They talked long into the night, until Ruby’s eyelids grew heavy. Finally, she glanced at the clock on the mantel and stood up. “You have a long journey ahead of you tomorrow. You must get some sleep.”
He stood too, and she was struck anew by the sheer size of him, the way her head would fit perfectly against his solid chest. He took a step closer, and she held her breath. In a split second, his lips were on hers, soft and tender. He laced a large hand through her hair, cradling the back of her head as he pulled her toward him, and she kissed him back, although she knew it was foolish. But it felt perfect and right, and she didn’t want the moment to end.
When he finally backed away, he looked dazed. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
Ruby looked into his eyes. “I’m very glad you did.”
“Well then.” He kissed her again, more intensely, and this time, it was Ruby who broke away.
“Thomas, we must get some sleep,” she said.
“Yes, yes, of course.”
Ruby hesitated. “Good night, then. And thank you for a lovely dinner.” She walked into her bedroom without looking back, but after she closed the door behind her, she stayed there, listening. She yearned to go to him, and she wondered if on the other side of the wall, he was feeling the same way. If he came to her door, she would let him in, even if it was against her better judgment.
But he didn’t. And after a while, her heart heavy with longing for something she knew she could never have, she crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling until dawn arrived.