Hamish

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THE DAYS BEFORE A MISSION rarely dragged by for Hamish. He spent them planning out every detail, prepping gear, and handling last-minute issues. His years of military service had taught him the importance double- and triple-checking before leaving.

For three weeks, Hamish focused on two important tasks to the exclusion just about everything else. He threw himself into physical therapy and managed, to the surprise of his doctor and therapist, to get his shoulder to a satisfactory level of healing. It wouldn’t be an issue in the field.

Thank God for the Ross stubbornness.

His second focus was Akash. He wanted a catalogue of memories to choose from in Syria. His days might be exhaustingly busy, but the nights would be lonely with only his thoughts to keep him company.

With his flight early the following morning, Hamish drove over to the bakery to pick his lover up. They wanted to spend the last night together. Akash would drop him off at the airport to keep Hamish from having to park his vehicle there for five months.

Hamish waited until Akash climbed into the vehicle to hold out his closed fist. “I’ve a present for you.”

Akash tossed his bag on the back seat and glanced at the keys dangling in front of his face. “Key to your heart? Bit bulky.”

“Don’t be an arse.” Hamish dropped the set into Akash’s hand. “One is for my flat, one is for my Mercedes. You can use my vehicle if you like until I get home. I wanted you to have access if....”

The ever unspoken “if” had haunted them for three weeks. Hamish went out of his way to avoid thinking the worst. He remembered as if it were yesterday the words his instructor drilled into him during training. “Don’t predict the future. Plan for every possibility. Don’t shit your pants when the bullets start flying.”

The dangerous situation in Syria challenged any peacekeeping or aid mission. None of their crew underestimated the potential risk. They’d stand between the doctors and danger.

Giving Akash a key signalled a high level of trust. Hamish never offered easy access to his home to anyone, not even his close friends. He didn’t know how to adequately express all of it to the confused baker sitting beside him.

Akash eventually pocketed the keys and dropped his hand to Hamish’s thigh. “Ready for a laugh?”

No.

Hamish was anxious for anything to change the subject, so he nodded. Akash surprised him by twisting around to reach into the bag on the back seat. He sat back and revealed a set of keys of his own. “What?”

“I had these made for you—for my flat and bakery. They’ve been burning a hole in my pocket for a week.” Akash gave him a sheepish grin. “Great minds?”

Unable to resist, Hamish grabbed Akash and dragged him across the console until he was partially resting between him and the steering wheel. He grazed their lips together in a teasingly chaste touch. His fingers gripped the baker’s shirt to hold him up so they could deepen the kiss.

They tasted each other, tongues delving deeper, hungry for more. Hamish raked his free hand down Akash’s shirt front to settle on top of his trousers. He tugged the zipper down and snaked his hand inside to grasp Akash firmly by his already hardening shaft.

Thankful for both the dark interior of his vehicle and the lack of CCTV cameras at the back of the bakery, Hamish stroked Akash firmly and steadily. Their kisses sizzled increasingly out of control.

“Not—” Akash cut himself off midsentence, clutching at Hamish while his hips bucked wildly in the cramped space of the vehicle. He pressed his face into Hamish’s chest, biting down in an apparent effort to muffle the sounds of his pleasure. “Evil. You’re evil.”

“You’re welcome.” Hamish waited until his lover caught his breath before helping him sit back up. “Ready for supper?”

“If you think I’m not running upstairs to change, you’ve got another thing coming.” Akash scowled at him. “I’ll only be a moment.”

Deciding not to leave him alone, Hamish locked up his vehicle and raced up to after him into the flat above the bakery. He wound up taking Akash against the bedroom wall. They eventually made it back downstairs, fully clothed and ready for supper—an hour later than intended.

While Akash divvied up the takeaway they’d stopped for, Hamish set his mind to last-minute packing. He methodically went through his checklists. Once overseas, replacing anything he missed would be nearly impossible.

“Here.” Akash handed over a bowl of the noodles from Kaya’s Kitchen. He sat cross-legged on the edge of the bed with his own dish. His eyes focused on the open bag on the floor. “Why is this harder than your trip to Sudan?”

Hamish clutched the bowl in one hand, moving to sit beside him. “I’ve no idea.”

Akash played absently with his noodles, hardly taking more than a bite. “It is harder, isn’t it?”

“Five months will go by in a twinkling,” he promised.

In truth, time tended to fly by on a job. Hamish usually found the stress and intensity pushed things into fast-forward. He imagined for Akash it would feel the exact opposite.

Hamish took both of their bowls and set them on top of the wardrobe. He rested his hands on the wooden surface, and tried to wrap his mind around how to express himself. “You’re right. Leaving for Juba didn’t weigh on me like tomorrow does.”

Akash came up to wind his arms around him and rest his head against Hamish’s back. “Let’s eat. As you’ll remember all of this, I’d rather not mope about for the entire evening.”

Nodding his agreement, Hamish squeezed Akash’s hands before extracting himself from his embrace. Bowls in hand, they distracted themselves with a movie. He managed to finish up his packing, leaving the bags by the door.

They fell into bed well after midnight. Akash burrowed into his arms with his head resting on Hamish’s chest. The baker drifted off into a restless sleep. Hamish didn’t sleep for even a second.

He couldn’t.

Tightening his hold on Akash, Hamish watched the rise and fall of his chest while he slept. He had finished his letter two days ago. Though he’d known Nye longer, it had been left in Gray’s capable hands instead.

Nye would poke and prod at Hamish over it. He’d likely tell Shanti, who would inevitably tease her brother over it. The two brought out the playfulness in each other in a way that frustrated Hamish.

On the other hand, Gray was one of the sternest, grumpiest bastards that he’d ever met, not surprising for a former drill instructor. Hamish trusted the man to treat his farewell letter with respect. And without the teasing.

“If you think any harder, you’ll break something important.” Akash shifted up slightly so his head rested against the crook of Hamish’s neck. “Shouldn’t you be well-rested for your travels?”

“Ideally.”

“Well?” Akash yawned drowsily.

How the hell do I say I’m going to miss you and I’m sodding terrified I won’t come home to see where this might’ve gone between us?

Hamish contemplated using sex as a distraction, anything to avoid his innermost thoughts that he hadn’t found the words to express yet. He didn’t want to throw a moment away because of fear. “Mentally preparing myself for the next five months.”

Weak.

That’s so damn weak.

What am I doing?

Hamish grabbed Akash and rolled over until he lay over him, pressing his lover into the sheets. He rested one hand along his collarbone as his other got lost in the mop of dark hair. “You are a complication. A distraction. I’m leaving you here with half of my heart. How the hell am I going to do my job when my mind is filled with exquisite memories of you in my bed?”

Akash raised his hand to rub his thumb across Hamish’s lip. “I’ve no idea if this is a happy revelation or if you’re hacked off at me.”

“It’s a brilliant and inconvenient one.” He bit the thumb that was toying with his lip lightly. “I—”

Akash covered his mouth fully with his hand to cut Hamish off. “Don’t. Save it. No confessions the night before you leave. If you feel the same in five months, tell me when I meet you at the airport.”

His unspoken plea reverberated around them.

Come home to me alive.