Recovery Journal: Day…who the fuck cares?
I’m home.
I’ve been home for a while now.
Maybe a couple of weeks, or maybe it’s been months now. The days kind of drag together.
Right about now would be a good time to develop a serious drinking habit, but like most things these days, I can’t even seem to get my shit together enough to accomplish that.
I just don’t care.
About anything.
Mama and Taylor have given up on asking when I’m returning to work. I guess, after asking for so long, they’ve figured they have their answer.
And the really shitty thing?
I know I’m being a dick. I have enough logic left in my head that I can step back, look at what I’m doing, and say to myself, “Jesus Christ, grow the fuck up, and get over your damn self. So you lost an arm. Big fucking deal. Man up, and get on with your life.”
Yet I wake up the next morning, drag my ass out of bed, make an entire pot of coffee, and sit around, doing nothing all day.
I’m stuck.
And I don’t know how to get unstuck.
Molly says it’s PTSD or depression. I wasn’t aware she’d gotten her psych degree while I was in the hospital.
All I know is, I want to be left alone.
Yeah, I know.
Zero chance of that happening.
“My mom thinks you’re hot,” Cora announced as we leaned against the fence, watching Lizzie run around with her grandparents, happy as can be.
After homemade enchiladas and margaritas, we’d agreed that a little fresh air could do us all some good.
I smiled, shaking my head, as I turned to look at Cora. “What is it with you Carpenter girls? I’ll be sure not to give her flowers.”
She laughed, placing her head on my shoulder. “Thank you for coming with me. I know it must have been awkward for you at first, especially when my dad started grilling you at dinner.”
I smiled, watching Lizzie chase after a chicken as her grandparents trailed behind. “Usually, fathers grill the guys on things like job security and what intentions they had with their daughter. Your father though? It was like sitting down to play Trivial Pursuit. Only worse.”
She laughed. “He was only trying to get to know you. He just talks fast when he’s excited.”
“That was excited?”
She nodded. “Didn’t you see his hands waving?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I think I momentarily passed out in the middle. So, he likes me?”
She nodded once more, this time with a warm smile. “Yeah, I think so. But I knew he would. You’re intelligent and full of witty humor, and most of all, you adore me.”
I brushed back a piece of her hair, smiling. “Yeah, I do.”
Our moment of connection was broken when we heard Lizzie shout, “Pappy, can I have your phone? I want to know what these two chickens are doing over here.”
My eyes traveled over to where she was standing and saw a very large rooster about to mount a chicken as a curious Lizzie looked on.
“Oh God!” Cora cursed, running toward her father as he stood there, looking perplexed, holding his phone in his hand, probably wondering what the hell he was supposed to do.
After redirecting Lizzie’s attention, we all headed inside.
“Abe,” Cora’s father said. “I don’t think we were ever properly introduced aside from being known as ‘Pappy’.” He stuck his hand out to meet mine. His right hand.
Although it hadn’t been mentioned at dinner or anytime after, I was sure the Carpenters had noticed my disability. Why he would greet me with a handshake like this, I had no idea.
Unless it was some sort of test.
Before I had a chance to react, Cora came between us. “Sorry,” she apologized. “I’m going to go unpack, so I can get this kid to sleep.” She raised her eyebrows at me as she passed. “And then I’m going to take Dean to The Hole.”
“The what?”
No one answered me.
Abe just chuckled under his breath until his gaze settled on my arm once more. “How’d it happen?” he asked.
Swallowing hard, I answered, “I was on a ferryboat. The engine exploded or so we think. Piece of debris severed my arm nearly clean off.”
I could see the empathy and pain in his eyes. “I know I come off as a kind of quirky guy. A chemistry professor who loves sci-fi—how much more cliché could I get? But I do know a thing or two when it comes to character. Iron Man, Captain America, Harry Potter. We identify with these fictional characters—or at least, I do—because we recognize traits in them that we see in ourselves. And, if there’s one thing I’ve learned along the way, it’s that the best heroes are made in the face of tragedy. If you are half the man my daughter claims you are, then I’m grateful to have you watching over the two of them.”
I met his gaze and lifted my chin. “If you know anything about your daughter, you know she doesn’t need anyone to watch over her. She’s perfectly capable of doing it herself.”
I waited for the shouting to begin. No doubt, he’d kick me out after that.
Way to go, Dean. I hope there’s a suitable hotel nearby.
But, instead of shouting, there was laughter. Just a roaring laugh and a hefty pat on my back.
“Good man,” he said. “I was hoping you’d say that. Now, you can go to The Hole with my daughter.”
I looked down the hall to where Cora was leaning against the doorframe to the guest bedroom, a satisfied smirk spreading across her face.
This was the weirdest family I’d ever met.
“Should I be worried that you’re taking me out into the middle of nowhere, at night, to a place called The Hole?” I asked before adding, “Or be concerned that you didn’t even bring a flashlight?”
She laughed as we passed by the small barn and walked into the open field just past the house.
“No,” she replied, not seeming concerned in the least. “I know the way like the back of my hand. And, besides, a flashlight would mess up our night vision.”
I looked around, my eyes beginning to adjust slightly to the pitch-black surroundings. “Okay. But you still haven’t explained what The Hole is.”
“And I’m not going to,” she said. “You’ll just have to wait until we get there.”
I focused on following her steps but not before I said, “You’re different in Texas.”
“Different good?” she asked as the house started to fade behind us.
“Just different.” I shrugged. “Less burdened, I think. More laid-back.”
“Is that good? Or bad?” she asked again.
I could already sense the worry in her voice. Tugging on her hand, I got her to stop for a brief moment. In the darkness, I could barely make out the gentle curves of her face as I cupped my hand around it.
“It’s just an observation, Cora. It’s not good or bad because it’s all you, remember? The unorganized but always involved mother with the geekiest heart of gold.”
She laughed at my humorous addition as I bent down and kissed her mouth. She tasted of salt and tequila, warm Texas nights and possibilities. I wanted to spend forever exploring every inch of her body with my tongue.
“So, are you going to show me where this hole is, or am I going to be forced into making a bad joke?”
“Actually,” she said, tugging me toward a grove of trees, “it’s just over here.”
Of all the things I’d imagined in my mind, which was actually very little, I hadn’t expected this. Nestled inside the grove of oaks was a large pond. The moon reflected off the water, giving plenty of light as we walked up to the edge.
“It’s a swimming hole,” I said, finally understanding the name.
She nodded. “Or watering hole, if you’re a local.”
I took a moment to look around, spotting what appeared to be a hammock tied between two tree trunks and a small paddleboat at the water’s edge. There was even a rope hanging near us for diving, I assumed.
“This must be a blast during the day,” I said, imagining how apeshit Lizzie was going to be when we brought her here in the morning.
A hand slid around my waist, and my focus was drawn back to her. Only her.
Cora’s eyes dazzled under the moonlit sky as she looked up at me. “It can be a lot of fun at night, too,” she said. “Or so I’ve imagined.”
She stepped back, giving me a full view of every luscious curve of her perfect body. The moment her fingers touched the hemline of her shirt, I knew I had to say something.
Taking her hand in mine, I brought it to my lips. “This doesn’t have to be today, Cora. I said I’d wait, and I meant it. I know you’ve had an emotional day and—”
Her lips halted my words, kissing away any doubts I’d had with a single breathless moment. “I know what I want, Dean,” she said. “And I want you. Right here. Wet and wild, under the stars, in the water—”
It was me who didn’t hesitate that time, kissing her with such passion, I thought we might burn the whole pasture down around us.
When her fingers went for her shirt, this time, I didn’t stop her. This time, my hand followed hers, trailing behind, tracing over her bare skin like I was an explorer on uncharted land. But my hand wasn’t enough. Soon, my lips were everywhere at once. The hollow of her collarbone, the subtle curve of her neck, and the delicate valley between her breasts.
“More,” she murmured, tugging at my shirt. “I want to see more of you.”
I did as she wanted, pulling my shirt up over my head, and watched her eyes roam over my body with desire.
Just seeing her reaction to my half-naked body was enough to make me hard.
Harder than I’d felt in my entire life.
We took our time undressing each other, both knowing this moment, this first, would only come once. I savored the way her skin, still tan from summer, almost seemed to shimmer in the faint light. I brushed my fingers over the tiny scar from Lizzie’s C-section and the scattering of freckles that adorned her breasts.
“Will you make love to me in the water, Dean?” she asked, wrapping her arms around her neck.
I cupped her cheek with my hand. “I’ll make love to you whenever and wherever I can, for however long you’ll allow me the honor, Cora.”
“How does forever sound?” she asked.
“Perfect.”
We moved toward the water before I stopped myself. She turned back, a look of concern in her eyes.
“I can’t go in the water with my prosthesis,” I said, unsure why I still felt nervous about taking it off.
I’d done it once.
I should be over this fear.
Obviously, she sensed my hesitation.
Cora stepped forward, one hand reaching for the thick fabric that covered my prosthesis, the other on my waist. “You once asked me if I trusted you. Do you remember?”
I nodded as my forehead rested atop hers, and I let out a deep breath.
“Now, trust me, Dean Sutherland,” she urged.
Her fingers curled around the neoprene and gently tugged. I could already feel sweat forming around my temples as my eyes darted to my arm.
“Look at me,” she demanded.
I did as she’d asked. “Now, close your eyes.”
I swallowed the lump of panic working its way upward and forced my eyelids closed.
“Breathe,” she said.
“Right,” I replied, a poor attempt at a joke.
Cool air hit the upper part of my limb as she pulled the heavy fabric the rest of the way off and disconnected the heavy prosthesis. Her warm touch was the next thing I felt along with another trail of kisses moving up to the residual limb that remained. I let out a ragged breath, savoring the feel of her lips on my broken body. Slowly, as her mouth traveled up my shoulder, across my collarbone, and toward my mouth, the nervousness I felt dissipated, replaced by raw, relentless hunger.
“Water,” I growled. “Now.”
Knowing she had a certain proclivity for a few of my one-handed abilities, I bent down and made quick work of tossing her over my shoulder, and then I charged toward the shoreline.
All I could think of was having this woman wrapped around me, naked, wet, and willing. Cora was my ultimate fantasy, a pipe dream I’d thought was long gone until she stormed back into my life, like a gift from above.
I’d never stop being grateful. I’d never stop trying to be the man she deserved.
Before we got too deep, the water lapping at my waist, I tugged her back down toward my chest, her sexy little body sliding down around mine.
“Still hot?” I asked in regard to the one-armed maneuver.
She tightened her hold, pressing against me. “Very.”
Having her so close and my body so ready, I realized we’d forgotten one crucial ingredient to modern-day lovemaking.
“Cora,” I said, feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet, “I don’t have any condoms. I wasn’t exactly planning on sleeping with you for the first time at your parents’ house.”
She let out a small chuckle. “And you don’t carry one in your wallet?”
I grinned, sliding my hand around to her ass. “Only when I was seventeen and thought it might bring me good luck.”
“Oh, yeah? How long did you keep that lucky condom?”
I squeezed her ass, causing her to squeal. “Cora, focus. Your body is so fucking hot and I am currently experiencing the biggest hard-on of my life, so if we don’t figure this out soon, I might pass out right here, in this watering hole. And I really don’t think you want to explain that to your parents.”
Her lips pressed together, a sign that she was obviously trying to keep from laughing.
“I haven’t been with anyone for a long time,” she said. “Blake and I were separated for over a year, and before that…” She hesitated before continuing, “It’s been a while. I’m on the pill.”
I nodded, reaching down to touch her hair. “I haven’t been with anyone since Molly.”
She seemed to be somewhat surprised. “That was over three years ago.”
“I’m seriously messed up, remember?” I smiled, recalling her words from not too long ago. “I was tested though. Before Molly, I mean. I wasn’t exactly the relationship type back then.” I let out a breath as I scrubbed my face, the cool water dripping down my cheeks. “This is awkward.”
Her arms held me tighter. “No,” she said, “it’s honest. And, if you were any other man, you would have just taken what was offered without a single thought. But you’re not. And that’s why I love you, Dean.”
I looked at her under the glow of moonlight, her wide eyes full of promise and truth.
She loves me.
I couldn’t say it enough times.
Dear God, she loved me.
Our mouths met in a frenzy. She moaned, deep and loud, under the starry sky. There were so many things I wanted to do to her, so many places I wanted to explore.
But, right now, I wanted to be inside her.
So goddamn bad.
She must have felt the same raging need because her moan turned to a whimper as she moved against me, almost panicked with desperation.
With my hand on her hip, I briefly lifted her as I thrust up, never breaking eye contact as our bodies became one.
And our souls entwined.
Her arms wrapped around my neck as I let out a staggering breath, the rightness of this moment hitting me like a freight train.
“So fucking good, Cora,” I mumbled, curling my hand under her ass for leverage. “You feel so damn good.”
Every thrust felt like magic. Every moan and cry of passion from her lips? Poetry. Making love to her under the warm Texas night sky was what dreams were made of.
“I love you, Cora,” I vowed, her arms tight around my neck as she rode my body hard and fast.
“I love you, Dean,” she said, breathless in my ear as I rotated her hips against mine, pulling every ounce of pleasure I could.
Her sexy little body gripped mine like a vise.
Like we had been made for each other.
I could feel her growing close as she began to move, hot and quick, making my balls tighten and my cock weep. She cried out my name to the heavens, water splashing around us in a thunderous wave.
“Dean!” she screamed, her orgasm taking over as her head fell back and she let go.
“Fuck!” I cursed, coming hard and long inside her.
I never wanted to leave.
I’d found my home.
Right here, in the middle of nowhere, under the moonlit sky, I’d found what I’d been searching for.
A purpose.
A family.
A future.
And I was never letting go.
Although Cora had assured me we’d done a good job of sneaking back into the house the night before, I couldn’t help but notice the sideways glances her father kept giving me at breakfast or the way her mother seemed to blush every time I walked by.
“It’s your imagination,” Cora said as we lounged on a blanket at The Hole, watching Lizzie splash around with her pappy.
“Is it? Because your mom hasn’t been able to look at me without giggling or turning bright red, and believe me, I know what the Carpenter blush looks like.”
She laughed, playfully hitting me on the arm. “Okay, so maybe my mom asked me if I had any laundry to wash this morning, and when I said no, she might have gotten the clue that we didn’t exactly take bathing suits here last night.”
“I told you!”
She just shrugged. “I’m nearly thirty years old, Dean! It’s not like I’m a mischievous teenager sneaking out here with my high school boyfriend.”
“Did you ever sneak any of your high school boyfriends down here?” I asked, suddenly rising up on my elbow.
Her eyebrows rose in amusement as I watched her remove the floral cover-up she’d put on to hike out here. A small smile spread across her face as she noticed my eyes lingering around the curve of her breasts and the deep valley in between.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She jumped up and ran toward the water.
“I would kind of!” I hollered, damn near knocked back by how perfect her ass looked in that black bikini of hers.
I thought back to the night before. Her naked body wrapped around mine. That tight, wet heat. The moans. The cries of passion.
Yeah, never mind. Definitely did not want to know.
“She seems happy.”
I turned to see Abe taking a seat next to me. I involuntarily coughed, realizing I had just been fantasizing about his daughter coming all over my cock, and did a quick check of myself, thanking Cora for packing extra towels.
“She is,” I said, wondering if this guy had some of the superpowers he was so obsessed with because he was just in that water, like, two seconds ago.
The old man had stealth; that was for sure.
He paused for a long time, just staring out at her, watching her splash around with Lizzie and his wife. I could see a small smile forming in the corner of his mouth, full of contentment and satisfaction.
“I know much of what she told us yesterday regarding her and Blake’s marriage problems was full of holes,” he said. “That can only mean she left things out for a reason.”
My jaw twitched as I looked ahead.
“Don’t worry, son; I’m not asking you to break her trust.”
“Good, because I won’t. I’ve worked hard to earn it.”
He patted my knee, a fatherly gesture—or at least, that was what I assumed fathers did. “The thing about Cora you’ve got to learn is, she’s really quite trusting when it comes down to it. That might have been shaken in the last few years, but ultimately, the one and only person Cora has a hard time trusting is herself.”
I thought about his words as we sat together in silence, watching the three of them play out in the water. Cora carried Lizzie on her shoulders before falling over, causing both of them to get soaked. Lizzie came up, sputtering water and laughing hysterically.
“Do you think she does? Trust herself, that is.”
His eyes narrowed as he looked at her until he finally shook his head with uncertainty. “I don’t know, Dean. I simply don’t know. But I think you’d better find out before it’s too late.”
“Before what’s too late?” I asked, turning toward him at his dire warning.
“This,” he said, motioning to the happy scene I’d been staring at since he sat down. “Them.”
They both chose that moment to look back at me and wave.
I held my hand up and did the same.
“Don’t let them slip away like I did,” he said. “Don’t let her slip away like I did. Fight for her, Dean. Fight for each other. Because, eventually, she’s going to lose trust in herself, and you’re going to need enough for the both of you.”
“Fight,” I murmured, looking down at my broken body. I’d felt useless for far too long, like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind with no purpose.
But they were my purpose.
Cora and Lizzie.
And, if push came to shove, I’d fight for them and everything we had to lose.