December 12, 2010
Shelby,
I know you think one of my favorite things was to watch you dance, but actually, one of my favorite things to do was just be with you. Any way I could. I miss being able to talk to you. About anything. About everything. I even miss how whenever one of us wanted to talk about something heavy and deep, we could easily make it lighter, easily distract each other so the time we spent together wasn’t wasted with worries and what-ifs. And even though I know we have a lot of heavy and deep to talk about when I get home, I still can’t wait to be distracted by you again. I love you, Shelby. Only you. Always you.
You and I had been inseparable for weeks. Whatever free time either of us had, we spent it together and I didn’t even care how much sleep I was losing or how exhausted I was every day at my two jobs. You finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere and you finally stopped fighting me every step of the way, opening up to me and letting me see the strong, amazing woman you’d become.
“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” you asked, quickly switching to a new topic.
I tried to hide the scowl on my face when you told me about some douche bag your mother had been trying to set you up with for years. I did my best to not let my jealousy show when you told me your mother invited him over for dinner that night and demanded you be there, but obviously I hadn’t done a great job.
We were lying in the grass a few acres away from the stables, me on my back and you on your stomach by my side, your chin resting on top of your hands as you looked over at me.
“Wherever you are,” I told you with a smile.
You laughed and shook your head at me.
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I,” I told you with an easy shrug.
“We barely know each other,” you countered.
I rolled to my side to face you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
“I know you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. I know you don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. I know you work your ass off in that studio every day to make your dreams come true. What else do I need to know?” I asked.
We’d spent a lot of time talking the last few weeks and it made me laugh that you still thought we didn’t know each other. You didn’t even realize how much you’d opened up to me and how much you’d let me see, and you had no idea that the stuff I’d shared with you weren’t things I went around announcing to everyone I knew.
I’d told you about my life growing up, my parents and their accident, joining the Marines, and continuing to work at the stables so I could put my sister through college.
You’d told me about your father and how he’d had the studio built for you, and how it was your little secret between just the two of you, that you both kept from your mother.
You had no idea how good it felt knowing that you trusted me enough to let me in on the secret you’d only ever shared with your father and Meredith. Whenever I had any doubts about not being good enough for you, not having enough money, not having anything to offer you other than myself, you’d erase all of those uncertainties just by being honest and not being afraid to tell me anything.
“What are we doing?” you whispered as you stared into my eyes and I slid my hand down your side and wrapped it around your waist. “I’m probably moving to New York in a few months and you’re a Marine who could get stationed anywhere in the world. This is crazy.”
It was crazy when you put it that way, but I didn’t care. I also didn’t tell you that I’d already asked about a possible transfer to New York. I had no idea where this thing was going between us, but I knew where I wanted it to go. I knew when I kissed you a few weeks ago in the stables that there would be no turning back. You’d gotten under my skin and into my heart and I knew I would do anything to keep it that way. After years of denying my attraction to you and refusing to allow myself to have you, I would stop at nothing to make sure I never lost you.
“Don’t worry about what happens tomorrow, or next week, or months from now. All I care is being with you, right here, right now, just like this,” I told you as you wrapped your arms around my shoulders and smiled.
“You make it sound so easy.”
I returned your smile, tightening my arms around your waist.
“Because it is easy. Especially now that you’ve stopped trying to pretend like you hate me,” I joked, which earned me a smack on the chest. “The only thing that’s hard is knowing you’re having a fancy dinner tonight with some schmuck your mother adores who could give you everything I can’t.”
I wanted to kick myself in the ass for saying something a little too honest and deep when I watched the smile fall from your face. I opened my mouth to apologize, but you quickly leaned forward and kissed me, sliding your hands through my hair and making me forget what I’d just been thinking when you slid closer and pressed your body right up against mine.
You pulled your mouth away before I was ready and gave me that smile again.
“Fine, I won’t worry about tomorrow as long as you won’t worry about tonight,” you told me with a shrug. “Since you avoided my first question, now you get three. Favorite color, favorite movie, and favorite food?”
You quickly moved your hand between our mouths when I tried to lean in for another kiss.
“You’re killing me,” I muttered against your hand, groaning when you tortured me even further by sliding one of your legs over my hip.
“First you answer the questions, then we get to the good stuff,” you laughed, letting out a surprised squeal when I quickly rolled us until you were beneath me.
“Green, Shawshank Redemption, Peanut Butter Captain Crunch,” I spoke rapidly, your laughter immediately dying with a soft moan when I pushed between your thighs and kissed you before you could ask me anything else.
You made it easy to forget about my worries and insecurities, and I could only hope as I slid my hand under your shirt, that I did the same thing for you.
Fuck, I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the smell of your skin. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh, I miss your kiss.
—Eli
There’s a knock on my bedroom door, and I look up from the letter I just finished reading when Meredith opens the door and peeks her head in.
She gives me a sad smile when she sees the letters strewn all over my bed, and I feel a moment of remorse that I’ve completely ignored her in the last week by either locking myself in this room to read the words Eli wrote to me all those years ago, or to race off to meet him.
“I know you’re still mad at me and that’s okay,” Meredith tells me as she opens the door wide and moves farther into the room. “I did something really shitty, thinking I was protecting you, and I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy, Shelby.”
I open my mouth to tell her that I am happy, but she holds up her hand to stop me.
“I know he can do that for you. I see it on your face every time you come back from being with him, but just be careful. He’s been through a lot, and so have you. You guys can’t stay locked up in that barn forever. You’re going to have to come out and face the world someday, and you can’t do that if you don’t talk to each other.”
I’m still hurt and angry by what she did, but it’s hard to stay mad at her. If the shoe were on the other foot, I might have done the exact same thing. I’d do anything to protect Meredith and keep her safe, and as misguided as her attempt was, I know she didn’t do it to intentionally hurt me.
“I forgive you,” I whisper.
Her chin quivers with emotion and her eyes fill with tears. She quickly clears her throat and smiles at me as she moves to the side of the bed, leaning down and giving me a quick hug before pulling back and straightening her shirt.
“Enough of this emotional shit. My car is waiting out front to take me to the airport. I’ll call you later when I land?”
I nod my head and return her smile, knowing we’re going to be okay as I watch her walk out of my bedroom and hear the front door close. I close my eyes and rest my head back against the headboard with a smile, knowing that no matter what, Meredith always have my back and be there for me.
* * *
I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves as I walked up the steps to Eli’s new place, but it didn’t work. We’d spend the last week doing nothing but ripping each other’s clothes off almost as soon as we saw each other, and even though each time was more amazing than the last and it’s all I wanted and all I thought about when we weren’t together, I knew we couldn’t keep going like this. We couldn’t close ourselves off in the tack room night after night, staying in our safe little cocoon and avoiding the world around us.
As easy as it was to fall back together, as natural as it was just to be together, Meredith was right, there were things we needed to talk about that I’d been avoiding. I kept convincing myself to keep it easy and keep it light because he didn’t need anything hard in his life right now. I told myself he’d been through too much and shouldn’t have to deal with the added pressure of my drama and bullshit on top of that, but I couldn’t do it anymore. Not after reading his letters and not after seeing just how strong he was after the years of hell he’d lived through. The more time I spent with him, the more amazed I was at how easily he’d been able to come home and adjust back into his life. He’d mentioned a few times that he’d been talking to a therapist since he came home, but a part of me couldn’t believe that’s all it took to make him forget and move on and remember how to live again. Especially after the nightmare I witnessed him having in the stables and the scars those people left behind.
I shouldn’t have been so surprised. He used to always tell me I was the strongest person he ever knew, but he had no idea just how strong he was. After the horrors he’d seen and been forced to endure, he still put my needs first. He still worried more about me than he did himself and I refused to take that for granted or let him down. I stopped being the weak and pathetic woman who wouldn’t stand up for herself because of him and he needed to know that. I saw the look on his face the few times I got a text from Landry when we were together and I tried to pretend like it wasn’t anything important, and it kills me that I wasn’t honest with him right in that moment. He’s here, he’s alive, he’s fighting for me, and I need him to know that I’m fighting right back, even if it might take some time.
When he called and invited me over for dinner tonight, saying he wanted to show me his place and that we needed to talk, it felt good to know we were thinking the same thing. Until I got in my car and headed over here and thought about everything we needed to discuss. Like why he lied to me in that first note when he left for deployment, if he really is doing okay, if he’s told his sister about us, if he’s sure I’m still what he wants, and if so, what exactly does he want. Not to mention the elephant in the room who keeps texting and calling, the one I used to try and move on from Eli, the one I’d hoped would help me forget him. I have to tell Eli that I let another man touch me and try to take his place, even though it’s obvious now that no man could ever replace him, could ever be more than him or better than him. I have to tell him I allowed another man into my bed and into my life while he was being tortured and abused and clinging to thoughts of me and my love for him just to keep him alive. I have to tell him the other man is still in my life because I’ve been too much of a coward to break it off and too distracted being with Eli again to even care, and I’m scared to death Eli’s going to hate me for it.
My mother is another story. Even though she’s been strangely absent lately and she hasn’t made any more threats since she reminded me of how she could still have Eli investigated for treason if I didn’t hold up my end of the deal by staying away from him, I know when she finds out about all of this, there will be hell to pay, and Eli needs to be prepared. I need to be the strong woman Eli came home for, stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions, and take back my life. I won’t risk his security or that of his family by telling him everything she’s done and everything she’s threatened until I talk to her first, but don’t want him to spend one more day thinking I gave up or that I chose this life. I just want him to be safe. I just want him to be happy, and I just want to find a way to make him understand without putting him at risk.
As I lift my hand to knock, the door is flung open before my fist can even make contact with the wood. Just like every time I see him again, it feels like the first time. Butterflies flap around in my stomach and my heart beats faster when I see Eli standing in the doorway with a smile on his face, wearing a T-shirt and jeans and his hair still damp from a shower.
Before I can say anything, his arm is around my waist and he’s pulling me against him and into the house, slamming the door behind me and pushing me up against it. His body presses into mine and his hand goes to the back of my head, his mouth slamming into mine before I can even take a breath or look around the foyer. I lose myself in his kiss and his taste and his touch, and the pep talk I gave myself while I was standing out front completely flies from my mind.
I can’t think about anything else when he’s this close and I don’t care about anything else when he’s kissing me. His tongue swirls around mine and his leg pushes between my thighs and all I care about is never wanting this feeling to end. Never wanting him to stop touching me or kissing me or wanting me. I’ve had too many days, months, and years of feeling so empty and feeling nothing that I don’t know how to stop craving it or how to stop needing it like I need air to breathe.
I know I should pull back, slow this down, and do all the talking I convinced myself on the way over needed to happen, but it’s physically impossible when the heat from his body warms everything cold inside me and the smell of his skin surrounds me.
Eli suddenly stops the kiss and pulls his head back, both of us breathing heavily and staring at each other.
“I invited you here because I thought it would be less distracting than the stables, so we could talk,” he pants.
“Yes…talk,” I mumble distractedly as my eyes move down to stare at his lips.
He presses his thigh up between my legs and I whimper, my hands fisting into the material of his T-shirt by his chest as his head dips down to the side of my neck.
“Fuck, you taste so good,” he whispers, biting down gently and then tracing the tip of his tongue over the same spot.
I groan as he continues kissing my neck until my head thumps back against the door behind me, the sound bringing me somewhat back to my senses.
Moving my hands to the back of his head, I clutch on to his short hair and pull him away from my neck so I can see his face.
“Talking is important,” I remind him, my eyes fluttering closed when he starts sliding his thigh back and forth between my legs.
“Very important,” he confirms in a low voice, his hands moving slowly over my breasts and down my sides until he gets to my hips and clutches the material of my skirt in his fists.
As he leans in to kiss me again, I press my hand to his mouth to stop him and he growls against my palm. Dropping my hand down to flatten it against his chest so I can feel his heart beating against my skin, I raise one eyebrow and wait.
“Fine,” he sighs loudly. “You’re right. Favorite smell, favorite time of day, favorite memory?”
He fires off the questions rapidly and all I can think about is the letter I just read this morning, how some things never change no matter how much time we spend apart, and how I suddenly don’t want to do anything else right now than let him distract me.
“Whatever soap you use, whatever time it is now, this one right here,” I tell him quickly, cutting off his satisfied chuckle by yanking him back to me and attacking his lips.
I stand on my tiptoes, pushing away from the door to mold my body to the front of him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I think about all the time we lost and how many times I wished for just one more moment with him. I’ve been given that second chance to touch him whenever I want, and I don’t want to waste it.
When his hands slide up my thighs and under my skirt to grab my ass and lift me up against him, I immediately wrap my legs around his hips and tell myself, Just a few more seconds and then I’ll make us stop.
When one of his hands moves from my ass, slides under my tank top and up my rib cage, moving my bra aside as he goes, I think, I just need a little bit more, then I’ll make us stop.
When his rough palm cups my breast and his thumb slides over my nipple as he walks us through his new house that I’m not even seeing, I tell myself, I deserve a few more minutes of feeling like this.
When he sits us down on the edge of the bed with my legs straddling his thighs, rolling my nipple between his thumb and his finger, my hands scramble between us, unzipping his jeans and pulling his cock out. When he moans into my mouth as I squeeze him and run my palm up and down his thick, hard length, I think, He deserves a few more minutes of feeling like this, too.
When his hands fly to my hips and he lifts my body just enough for me to slide my lacy underwear to the side and guide him where I need him, when he doesn’t hesitate to thrust himself inside me hard and deep, I stop thinking about putting a halt to this.
When his fingers dig into the skin of my ass as I grind myself against him and when he sucks my tongue into his mouth, I stop thinking about anything else we should be doing right now.
When his hands clutching my ass help move me, slamming me down on his cock over and over, when he pulls his mouth away from mine and begs me to fuck him harder, fuck him faster, when he tells me how I good I feel, when he tells me he still can’t believe I’m real, when he tells me he can’t live without this, can’t live without me, I stop thinking about anything but how good it feels to be so consumed and so filled by this man that I’ve never stopped loving.
When I come so quickly it takes my breath away, when I ride him harder and faster until he shouts my name, when I can feel his cock pulsing with his release, when he reaches between us and his fingers find my clit, I stop thinking about all the things I need to say.
When he holds himself still inside me as his orgasm subsides, when his fingertips circle and slide and move faster, when he makes me come again and I moan his name with a sigh, when he tells me he loves me, tells me nothing else matters, begs me to stay…I stop thinking altogether.