Being a mom was hands down the best thing I’ve done in my life so far. I loved being home with Chance, but it was hard trying to travel with Jack’s team the way I used to when it was just me. It wasn’t easy to pick up and leave for a weekend when you had a baby or a toddler to pack for. So Chance and I pretty much stopped traveling with Jack on his road trips altogether. It was too much for me to have to book our separate travel, rent a car, find the hotel, and then figure out how to get to the ball field, all with a screaming kid in my arms.
Jack and I began to argue more, until I realized that it was all the traveling that stressed me and made me lash out. Once I stopped trying to be everywhere at once, I felt myself calm down. I realized that I couldn’t be everything to everybody all the time.
Jack, on the other hand, started to flip out more. He hated that we weren’t on the road with him, but he claimed to understand. I knew, though, that it bothered him more than he let on, he just didn’t want me to feel guilty. It wasn’t that Chance and I weren’t at the games with him that bothered Jack, but the fact that our not going meant that Jack wasn’t around Chance as much as he wanted.
Being an absentee father was Jack’s worst nightmare. He really struggled with being gone so much, and said on more than one occasion that he felt like he abandoned me during the season. I reminded him that it wasn’t true, but it still ate at him.
In the meantime, Chance and I tried to make every home game. Thankfully the team provided a day care for the players’ kids during the games, which made attending Jack’s games a lot easier for a few of those years. I could watch him pitch and not be concerned that Chance was bored or hot or not having a good time. He usually didn’t want to leave when the game was over, not until he saw his dad’s face waiting for him at the door. Then our little boy’s eyes, which had turned chocolate-brown just like his father’s, would light up as he sprinted toward his dad’s open arms.
It was in those moments that I felt my heart melt into a ball of goo. I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of watching Jack interact with our son.
Dean and Melissa got married a few years ago. He proposed to her exactly one year after that night I took her to Gran’s and they finally worked it all out. I secretly worried that Melissa might have doubts and think it was too soon, but she had been smitten with Dean since the second she let him into her heart. Once she had fully committed to him, there was no going back for her. She knew he was the one.
They got married in December the next year with a lavish ceremony at the Four Seasons. Between her career and Dean’s, it was a celebrity-filled affair, with guests ranging from professional athletes to A-list movie stars. It could not have been more opposite from my wedding with Jack, which is why it took so long to plan. Of course, they planned the ceremony during the off-season so Jack could be in the wedding. In fact, all three of us were in it.
Chance was the cutest ring bearer I’d ever seen, not to mention a little naughty, but he was a little young for the job. At almost two years old, he toddled over to Gran instead of walking down the aisle. He plopped the pillow onto Gramps’ lap before hopping straight into Gran’s arms and burying his face. When she tried to point at me or Jack and tell him to bring us the pillow, he refused and wrapped his tiny arms around her instead. Gramps met me at the front of the church and handed me the rings.
I knew my face had turned beet red by that point as I glared at Jack and mouthed, “He’s your son.”
Jack mouthed back, “I know,” as I handed the minister the rings.
Melissa got pregnant almost immediately following their honeymoon, and when they had a little boy they named Coby, another Carter boy had joined the world. I feared for the girls who would have the pleasure of knowing them in the future. Since Chance and Coby were only two and a half years apart, the chances of them going to school together were high. I braced myself for those teenage years and tried not to think about it too hard or I’d never sleep again.
I thought I would miss working a lot more than I have. We’ve been so blessed to be in the position where I not only don’t have to work, but I could most likely pick right back up from where I left off when I did decide to restart my business.
Not that I’d be working in New York, of course, but since I was a professional photographer with one hell of a portfolio, I could freelance when I was ready. But that wouldn’t be for quite a while. Nora offered me a one-month gig in France recently, but I turned it down. She said she knew I would, but she wanted to offer it to me anyway.
Jack encouraged my going to France for the shoot since it was during his off-season, but I refused to leave my boys during those rare months we actually got to be a family unit. Being away from Chance and Jack for that long by choice wasn’t something I was comfortable with. And since I didn’t want to take any work during Jack’s baseball season, I spent my time taking silly pictures of Chance and the ocean outside my office window. Maybe once Chance got older, I might consider traveling for shoots, but maybe not. Only time would tell.
I still woke up every morning feeling blessed for the opportunity to live in this house. There’d been more than one occasion where I’d walked the beach for hours, allowing my thoughts to get lost in the sand between my feet.
Chance fell in love with the ocean as soon as he could walk. He would spend all day playing in the sand if I’d let him, and I’ve stopped him from running straight into the water more often than not. No one told me how difficult it was to reason with a child. They simply don’t have the understanding of fear the way we do.
In some ways I envied Chance’s state of mind. I knew he was a child, but he was fearless and did things that adults would never do simply because he wanted to. The mom in me attempted to balance instituting some fear in him to keep him safe, while also encouraging his desire to try new things and be brave. Being a mom meant that each day I was challenged in a new way. It was the toughest, yet most rewarding job I’d ever have.
Jack was still playing for the Angels, although there was one year when talks of a trade scared us half to death. The thought of Jack moving to another state for eight months out of the year didn’t sit well with either of us.
Thankfully they were just rumors that were reported nonstop on ESPN and the news, but weren’t based on any facts. It was funny how often that kind of thing happened. So many things got leaked and talked about on the sports channels that had no factual basis at all. Not surprisingly, the mention of “a reliable source” was all those shows needed to give them the leeway to report whatever they wanted.
One day Jack’s coach pulled him into his office, and Jack told me later that he’d braced for the news, terrified to have to tell me he’d be leaving again. But the coach only called him in to tell him that the rumors were false and they had no intention of letting Jack go.
“I was so scared when Coach called me in, Kitten. You have no idea,” Jack confessed as we lay in bed that night.
“Oh, I can imagine,” I breathed against his chest. “I’m so glad it was only rumors.”
“They shouldn’t be able to say shit like that.”
“Daddy, bad word.” Chance’s tiny voice surprised us, coming from the doorway of our bedroom.
Jack and I immediately sat up. “You’re right,” Jack told him. “That was a bad word. What are you doing up, bud?”
“I had a bad dream,” he confessed, dragging his tattered blue blanket behind him as he walked toward Jack’s side of the bed. “Can I sleep with youse guys?”
I smiled and scooted away from my husband to make some space between us. “You bet. Get in here.” Jack reached for him and helped pull him up onto our bed.
“Thanks, Mommy. Thanks, Daddy.” He scrambled under the blankets and in no time fell back to sleep.
Jack stared lovingly at our little boy and said quietly, “I’m away from you two enough already. If they traded me I would have quit.”
“What? No, you wouldn’t have,” I insisted. Not because I didn’t want Jack to be home more, but because I didn’t really believe him.
“This is my tenth season, Kitten. Full pension after I complete it. I’ve been thinking about it anyway.”
“Thinking about what? Quitting?”
I couldn’t imagine Jack not playing baseball. All I’d ever known was him being a ball player three hundred sixty-five days a year. It wasn’t something he could turn off when he wasn’t playing. He was always prepped, prepared, and working toward new goals.
All his hard work paid off. The amazing thing was, Jack actually did come back as strong as he once was. He was right when he’d insisted that he just needed time to fully heal. These days he consistently threw between ninety-three and ninety-four mile-per-hour pitches, just like before.
“I think this might be my last season.”
I sucked in a shocked breath. Hearing those words from him both excited and terrified me. I didn’t want Jack to go back to being who he was when he got hurt. That fear remained, even as I responded, “It’s up to you. I’ll support whatever you decide to do. Just be sure, okay?” I smiled reassuringly and rubbed his arm before turning out the light and snuggling next to our bed-hogging son.
But my eyes stayed open as my mind whirled, and it was nearly dawn before I fell into a fitful sleep.