It had been five years since Cassie and I extended our family, since the birth of our amazing son, Chance. I loved Cassie more today than I did yesterday. And there was no doubt that I’d love her more tomorrow than I did right now. There seemed to be no end to my love for this girl.
She made me a better person. She was the mother of my child. There was no way I could explain how this made me feel about her. I only knew that my heart felt like it expanded daily to fit in all the love I had for her.
Cassie started missing the majority of my games; even the home ones as Chance got older. She did her best to attend every game I was scheduled to pitch for, whether she brought Chance or not. And she only traveled with me if Melissa and Dean watched Chance, but now that he was starting school, she felt extra guilty about leaving him at all.
I tried to convince her to bring him to more away games, but it was just too hard for her during the school year. And even when we played at home, it was usually on a weekday and that didn’t fly with her. She insisted on giving Chance as much structure as possible, with a schedule that didn’t include growing up at a ballpark.
Weekends were a different story, though. Thank God for weekend games. Although now that Chance had started playing Pony baseball, I wasn’t sure how many of my games they’d be able to make.
I definitely played second string to my son. And you know what? I didn’t mind at all. What I did fucking mind, though, was the fact that I missed out on all these things. My entire life had revolved around being at a baseball stadium, or traveling to one.
There was no need for anyone to tell me how good I’d had it, because I already knew. But no one ever told you how hard it really was to balance family with a baseball career. You know why they didn’t tell you?
Because it was impossible.
There was no balance.
Baseball won every time.
Never getting days off to plan or celebrate anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays was one thing when it was just me and Kitten. It still fucking sucked and I felt like a dick, but Cassie never complained. Not once. But it was another thing entirely to miss out on your own kid’s birthday. Every year since he’d been born, I’d missed his party. Sure, I got to relive each one in a series of photographs Cassie had taken. But it wasn’t the same as actually being there.
Chance was getting ready to start kindergarten the next day. It was his first day of “big kid” school, as he liked to call it, and I was stuck in some swanky hotel in Arizona. I knew Cassie was fine without me, but I hated missing out on everything. Dialing her number, I couldn’t help but smile when he answered the phone instead of her.
“Hello? Daddy?”
“Hey, bud. Getting ready for school tomorrow?”
“Uh huh. We’re shopping right now.”
“Oh, I see. Can you put Mommy on the phone?”
“No.”
“Uh, why not?” I stopped myself from laughing.
“‘Cause it’s my turn to talk to you. She always gets to talk to you,” he said matter-of-factly.
“You’re right. But I need to tell her one thing and then she’ll give you back the phone, okay?”
“Okay.” His voice sounded deflated as he handed the phone to his mom.
“Hey, babe,” she said with a giggle.
“What are you shopping for?”
“Oh my gosh, the school gave us a list of supplies he needs for his class. You should see the size of this thing. I’m walking around the store trying to find all this crap.”
“Bad word!” Chance shouted in the background and Cassie apologized to him.
“Do you have any idea how weird it is to look at him and see you? He has your eyes, Jack. They make me miss you so much.”
“I miss you too. I wish I were there. Take pictures of his first day and send them to me. Don’t forget.”
I’d insisted that Cassie do that with everything I missed. My phone’s photo albums were filled with pictures of events and parties that I didn’t get to see in real life, but got to experience via photo text message.
“I won’t forget. Chance is pulling on my shirt. He wants to talk to you.”
“I love you, Kitten. Miss you,” I said before hearing the fumbling of the phone being passed over.
“Daddy, guess what?”
“What?”
He sucked in a big breath. “I start school tomorrow and Coby is mad because he can’t come with me. He has to be in the baby school still and I get to go with the big kids.”
I smiled. “So, you’re excited?”
“Yep! ‘Bye, Daddy. I love you,” he said out of nowhere before hanging up on me. I sat on my hotel bed with my jaw slack.
The little shit.
My phone immediately beeped with a text.
Sorry. Guess he was done. LOL. I’ll call you later. Love you.
Knowing that the list of shit he needed for school fell on Cassie’s shoulders made me feel like a complete asshole. I started to feel like my heart was made of kite string, unraveling into a heap of nothing inside my guts. My dad walked out on me and my brother and never came back. My mom chose to leave us too. I would never leave my family, but how was I any better than my parents? I may not have left, but I was still never home.
I tossed and turned all night, trying to fall sleep. Instead of being focused on tomorrow’s game, all I could think about was the fact that it was my five-year-old son’s first day of school and I was going to miss it. The same way I missed everything else in our lives. Tugging at my hair, I had to force myself to stop from crying at the mere thought that I had a five-year-old already. Where had the time gone? How had five years flown by so fast?
I fucking hated being away from my family and I especially hated missing important days like this. It made me feel like a worthless absentee father with each event I continued to miss out on. Cassie never made me feel bad about it. No one did. Everyone claimed to understand, but I was the one who stopped being so forgiving.
The next morning my phone beeped, and I was greeted with a picture of Chance. He was looking at the phone with a crooked smile on his face, his dimple showing, his hair all spiked up, and an oversized backpack on his back. Or maybe the backpack was normal-sized and he just made it look big because he was so little.
Another beep and I clicked on my phone to open one more picture message. Cassie and Chance took a selfie together and my fucking heart squeezed inside my chest. I felt it contract and release as I stared at my beautiful wife and son. Her eyes looked so green and her smile was so big, I wanted to reach into the phone and pull her image right out of it. Chance’s beaming face was pressed against hers as he gave me a thumbs-up.
Another big day missed. Another lost moment in time I’d never be able to get back.
Life was making me hate the one thing I’d always loved the most. Kitten excluded.
After our game that night, I called Cassie as we waited at the airport to catch our flight back. “How was it? Did he have a good day?”
She yawned. “He did. He made so many new friends and he told everyone that his daddy plays for the Angels. To be honest, I think his teacher has a crush on you. She was super googly-eyed when I picked him up today.”
I laughed. “Sounds like a smart chick.”
“I knew you’d say that. He has homework already.”
“What? Since when did they start giving kindergartners homework?”
“I have no idea, but he has this ginormous packet that’s due on Friday.” A packet I’d never get to help with because I was never fucking home. “Jack?”
“I’m here.”
“Are you okay? You sound upset.”
“I’m good, Kitten. I’ll see you soon.”
“When will you be home?”
“Late. I won’t wake you.”
“No, it’s okay. Wake me,” she said in a soft voice. “I mean it.”
At her words, I instantly started to harden, so I glanced around to be sure no one was looking as I adjusted my pants. Half-tempted to hop into our plane’s cockpit and fly myself back home, I paced the area of the private lounge instead. I didn’t want to be here anymore, away from her. I needed to be home.
“What’s up, Carter? You okay?” our starting catcher, Frank, asked me midstep.
I glanced at him sideways before blurting out, “I’m just tired of being gone all the time. Do you ever get like that?”
“Hell yeah, man. I hate being away from Christina and the kids. It’s hands down the worst part about being a ball player.” He downed the rest of his shot. “Well, aside from the politics and all the business bullshit that ruins this sport for us. Missing the little things like making lunches, helping with homework, science fair projects, and all their games completely sucks.”
“Right? I feel like I’m coming apart at the seams. Like I can’t live through another day missing all those firsts. Chance started kindergarten today and all I got was a picture. I missed his first day of school. It fucking kills me,” I admitted.
“You need a drink.” He waved the bartender over. “Scotch on the rocks.”
“I don’t drink scotch.”
“You do tonight,” he said flatly.
I shrugged, willing to try anything to help settle my soul.
“How many seasons is this for you, Carter?”
I knew what he was getting at. He wanted to know how close I was to the elusive tenth season. It was an unspoken thing we all reached for, that tenth season, which equaled full pension benefits. “Ten.”
“What are you going to do when it’s over?”
“I’m not sure,” I lied. I knew exactly what I’d be doing when this season ended, but I wasn’t telling my teammate before I informed my wife.
“It doesn’t get easier. Just so you know,” he said after finishing another drink. “It’s always the same thing. Our wives are sitting at home raising our kids without their fathers. The absolute worst part is when Christina needs help disciplining the boys and I’m not there. They fight her and there’s no one to help her keep them in line, you know? I feel like complete shit whenever she calls me crying.”
That thought killed me and it wasn’t even my family Frank was talking about. I wondered how he could be so calm about this. If Chance ever gave Kitten shit like that, I’d be on the first plane out to beat his ass. Or probably not. Because I’d get benched.
Fuck.
“Yet here we sit.” I waved my arm around the darkened space. “In a private airport lounge waiting to fly home, instead of working a normal job like the rest of the world so we could be home with our families.”
He smiled. “Eh. The rest of the world isn’t lucky enough to get to do this for a living. And you know damn well that if they could do this, they would. No real man would walk away from this opportunity.”
The hairs on my neck bristled as I formulated my response. “I don’t think playing baseball makes you a real man. I think taking care of your family and being there for them is what being a real man is about.”
He looked me directly in the eye. “But we are taking care of them, Carter. We’re providing a life for them that most can’t. I know we aren’t home all the time, but there are plenty of men who travel for work for a living. And trust me, their jobs are nowhere near as cool as ours.”
Frank was definitely a glass-half-full kind of guy and I was drowning in a glass-half-empty kind of night. “This isn’t the life I wanted to provide,” I said. My thoughts turned fuzzy as the scotch filled my head.
“Well, this is the hand you were dealt. A million other guys would gladly take your spot.”
His comment pissed me off, but he was right. I couldn’t have it both ways. I could either be a baseball player until I couldn’t throw anymore, or I could be home with my family. Either way, I needed to stop bitching like a little girl. I sounded like Dean.
As soon as I got home, I turned off the light over the stove that Cassie had left on for me. I punched in my security code and dropped my bag to the floor before I crept up the stairs. Peeking in on my little stud, I leaned down to give him a peck on the cheek. His eyelids fluttered, but he didn’t wake up.
Walking down the hallway into the master bedroom, I kissed my sleeping wife, then slipped my hand under her pajama top. She turned over and groaned. “Jack?”
“You expecting someone else?” I teased as her eyes opened.
“Maybe. What day of the week is it again?” She chuckled and I silenced her with my mouth. I nipped at her lips before she parted them so I could kiss her more deeply. Her tongue stroked against mine in a frantic dance. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too. I’m sorry I’m always gone.” I rolled on top of her and leaned on my elbows, so I could look down at her beautiful sleepy face.
“Don’t apologize, Jack. I’ve told you a hundred times that I knew what I was getting into.” Her hands cupped the sides of my face and I wanted to freeze this moment.
“But did you know I’d leave you alone when we had a kid? Did you sign up to be a single mom forever?”
“I’m not a single mom,” she huffed out before nudging me to move over. “What do you want to hear, that it sucks sometimes? That I hate it when you aren’t here? Because some days I do, Jack. I really do. Like when Chance does something so cute or says something super funny and I wish you were here to share that moment with me. And it’s not just because you’re missing the things that Chance does, but because I’m missing sharing them with you. I want to turn and look at you and laugh about how crazy our boy is, but when I look, you’re not there. And those are the parts that make me sad.”
If she wanted to break what little resolve I had left, she was doing a damn good job. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about.”
“But most of the time, I’m okay.” She rolled onto her side to face me. “We’re okay. And those moments when I get sad, they don’t happen all the time. Of course I always wish you were here, but the really hard parts, they’re just a flash. All right?”
“I didn’t know I was marrying a superhero.”
“You didn’t? Who else would Harry Potter marry?” She laughed at the nickname she’d given me all those years ago. I couldn’t believe it had stuck after all this time. I’m way hotter than Harry fucking Potter.