CHAPTER
THIRTY-TWO
“I am twenty-six years old. I’m in love with Richard. We are getting married soon,” I whisper as I look in the mirror. More lipstick, I think, reaching into my cosmetics case. “I work here as an assistant.” I am wearing a blush-colored dress that I bought just this afternoon at Ann Taylor. It isn’t an exact replica, but it’s close, especially with my new padded bra.
My posture isn’t quite right, though. I pull back my shoulders and lift my chin. That’s better.
“My name is Emma,” I say into the mirror. I smile—a wide, confident grin.
Anyone who knows her well wouldn’t be fooled. But all I need to do is get past the cleaning crew at Richard’s office.
If one of his colleagues is working late tonight, it will be over. And if Richard happens to still be here—but no, I can’t even let myself think about that or I won’t have the courage to go through with this.
“My name is Emma,” I repeat again and again, until I am satisfied with the throaty timbre of my voice.
I walk to the door of the bathroom and crack it, peeking out. The hallway is empty and the lights are dim; I can’t see around the corner to the double-glass doors that lead to Richard’s firm. I know they will be locked, as they are every evening. Few people have the keys. The financial information of hundreds of clients is contained on the company’s computers. They are all protected by passwords, plus I’m certain the company’s cyber-security experts would be alerted if anyone tried to hack the system.
What I’m after isn’t an electronic record, though. I need a simple document from Richard’s office, one that would have no importance to anyone else at the firm.
Even if Emma had the chance to read my letter, and even if a few fleeting doubts have begun to form in her mind, I know she is a savvy, logical young woman. Who will she believe in the end—her accomplished, perfect fiancé or his crazy ex-wife?
I need proof to sway her. And Emma is the person who revealed to me how to obtain it.
When I confronted her outside her apartment building, I told Emma to ask Richard about the missing Raveneau that he sent me to retrieve from our wine cellar the night of our cocktail party. Who do you think placed the order? she asked just before dismissing me and leaving in a cab.
It was a brilliant move on Richard’s part to have Emma, as his assistant, order that wine for our party.
He hadn’t needed to punish me in a long time. I’d been on my best behavior for months, rising early with him and exercising every morning, and cooking us healthy dinners at night. These acts of service made Richard feel benevolent toward me. By this point in my marriage, I was under no illusions about how dangerous my husband could be when he feared my love was slipping away.
So I anticipated that I would pay severely when I altered my hair a few days before our cocktail party. First I asked my stylist to dye it caramel brown. She’d protested, saying that women paid her hundreds of dollars to re-create my natural hue, but I was resolute. When she finished darkening it, I instructed her to lop off five inches, resulting in a shoulder-length bob.
On the day we met, Richard had told me to never cut my hair. That was the first rule, masked as a compliment, that he’d set down.
I’d obeyed it throughout our marriage.
But by then I’d met Emma. I knew I had to give my husband reasons to get rid of me, no matter what the repercussions.
When Richard saw my hair, he’d paused for a moment, then told me it was a nice change for the winter. I understood he wanted my old style back by summertime. After that brief exchange, he worked late every night until our party.
Richard had asked Emma to order the wine so he could build his case against me.
And now I can use it to build my case against him.
Hillary was standing at the makeshift bar with Richard in our living room at the Westchester house that night. The caterers were late, and I’d been murmuring apologies for the wheel of Brie and wedge of cheddar I’d set out.
“Honey? Can you grab a few bottles of the ’09 Raveneau from the cellar?” Richard called to me from across the room. “I ordered a case last week. They’re on the middle shelf of the wine fridge.”
I moved in what felt like slow motion toward the basement, delaying the moment when I’d have to tell Richard, in front of all of his friends and business associates, what I already knew: There was no Raveneau in our cellar.
But not because I drank it.
Everyone thought I did, of course. That had been Richard’s intention. This was our pattern: I challenged Richard by trying to assert my independence, and he made me pay for my transgression. My punishments were always proportional to my perceived crimes. On the night of the Alvin Ailey gala, for example, I knew Richard had told his partner Paul that he needed to get me home because I was drunk. But that wasn’t true; Richard was angry that Paul had offered to help me find a job. And more than that, my husband already knew I’d snuck into the city for a secret meeting, one that I eventually explained away as a visit to a therapist.
Making me look bad in public—having other people view me as unstable and, worse, causing me to question myself—was one of Richard’s default ways to discipline me. It was especially effective given my mother’s struggles.
“Honey, there isn’t any Raveneau,” I said when I returned from the cellar.
“But I just put a case down there—” Richard cut himself off. Confusion swept across his face and was quickly replaced by obvious embarrassment.
He was such an adroit actor.
“Oh, I’m happy with any old white wine!” Hillary said too brightly.
Emma was across the room. She wore a simple black dress, belted to show off her hourglass figure. Her luxuriant blond hair curled loosely at the ends. She was as perfect as I’d remembered.
I needed to accomplish three things that night: Convince everyone at the party that Richard’s wife was a bit of a mess. Convince Emma that Richard deserved better. And most important, convince Richard of the same.
I felt dizzy from anxiety. I looked at Emma for courage. Then I did some acting of my own.
I linked my arm through Hillary’s. “I’ll join you in that,” I said gaily, hoping Hillary couldn’t feel my ice-cold fingers through her sleeve. “Who says blonds have more fun? I love being a brunette. Come on, Richard, open us up a bottle.”
I dumped my first glass down the kitchen sink when I went to get more cocktail napkins, making sure Richard was within earshot when I asked Hillary if she needed a refill. Her glass was still half full. I saw her eyes drift to my empty one before she shook her head.
A moment later, Richard handed me a glass of water. “Shouldn’t you call the caterers again, sweetheart?”
I looked up their number and dialed the first six digits, moving far enough away from Richard so he wouldn’t pick up on the unnatural cadence of a one-sided conversation. I nodded to him after the call and said, “They should be here any second now.” Then I put down my water.
I was on my pretend third glass of wine when the caterers arrived.
While servers began setting up a buffet, Richard motioned the head caterer into the kitchen. I followed them.
“What’s going on?” I asked before Richard could say a word. I didn’t make any effort to keep my voice down. “You guys were supposed to be here an hour ago.”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Thompson.” The man looked down at his clipboard. “But we showed up when you instructed us to.”
“That can’t be. Our party started at seven-thirty. I’m sure I told you we wanted you here at seven.”
Richard was by my side, ready to unleash his complaints about the company’s error.
The head caterer wordlessly turned around his clipboard and pointed at the time—8 p.m.—then my signature on the bottom of the page.
“But . . .” Richard cleared his throat. “What happened?”
My response had to be perfectly delivered. I needed to convey both my ineffectualness, and my lack of concern about the agitation I’d caused him.
“Oh, I guess it’s my fault,” I said easily. “Well, at least they’re here now.”
“How could you—?” Richard choked back the rest of his sentence. He exhaled slowly. But the tightness in his face didn’t relax.
I felt nausea rise in my throat and knew I couldn’t sustain my performance much longer, so I hurried to the powder room. I splashed cold water on my wrists and counted my breaths until my heartbeat finally evened out.
Then I exited the bathroom and surveyed our gathered guests.
I hadn’t quite accomplished all I needed to yet.
Richard was chatting with one of his partners and a golf buddy from the club, but my tingling skin alerted me that his eyes kept returning to me. My hair, my drinking, my reaction to the caterers—I was acting like a very different woman from the one who’d scrupulously reviewed every detail of the party with him during the preceding weeks. We’d spent hours going over our guest list, with Richard reminding me of personal details about his associates so I could more easily mingle and introduce people. We’d discussed flower choices for our arrangements. Richard had instructed me to avoid ordering shrimp because one of our guests was allergic, and I’d told him I’d double-check that we had enough hangers so no one’s coat would have to be splayed across a bed.
Now it was time to check off another item on my private list, the one I kept only in my head and reviewed when Richard left for work: Talk to Emma.
A server passed by and offered me a warm Parmesan crostini from his tray. I forced myself to smile and take one, but I folded it into a napkin.
I paused for a moment, until the same server reached the group that contained Emma, then I approached.
“You have to try these,” I gushed. I forced a laugh. “You’ve got to keep up your strength if you’re working for Richard.”
Emma briefly frowned, then her face cleared. “He does work long hours. But I don’t mind.”
She took a crostini and bit into it. I could see Richard begin to approach us from across the room, but George intercepted him.
“Oh, it’s not just the hours,” I said. “He’s very particular, isn’t he?”
She nodded and quickly popped the rest of her appetizer into her mouth.
“Well, I’m glad everyone finally has something to eat. You’d think the caterers would at least show up on time with what they charge.” I spoke loudly enough so that the middle-aged man holding the platter of food could hear, and more important, so Emma would think I’d lobbed the harsh comment at him. I could feel my cheeks burn, but I hoped Emma assumed it was from too much wine. When I met her eyes, I saw disdain in them for my rudeness.
Richard extracted himself from George, walking directly toward us. Right before he arrived, I pivoted and headed in the opposite direction.
Give them one more reason. I knew I had to do it now or I’d lose my nerve.
Every step was a struggle as I slowly crossed the room. My pulse throbbed in my ears. I could feel a thin film of cold sweat gathering on my top lip.
All of my instincts were screaming at me to stop, to turn around. I forced myself forward, weaving through the clusters of smiling people. Someone touched my arm, but I pulled away without a glance.
Only the thought of Emma and Richard watching propelled me forward.
I knew I wouldn’t have another chance to be near her anytime soon.
I reached the iPod that was attached to our speakers. Richard had carefully arranged a playlist, alternating jazz with some of his favorite classical compositions. The elegant music soared through the room.
I clicked to the Spotify app and selected seventies disco music, as I’d practiced doing. Then I cranked up the volume.
“Let’s get this party started!” I shouted, raising my arms into the air. My voice cracked, but I continued, “Who wants to dance?”
The murmured conversations halted. Faces turned toward me in unison, as if they’d been choreographed.
“Come on, Richard!” I called.
Even the caterers were staring at me now. I caught a glimpse of Hillary averting her eyes, then of Emma gaping at me before quickly turning to look at Richard. He strode toward me quickly and my insides clenched.
“You forgot our house rule, honey,” he called, his voice filled with a forced merriment. He turned down the volume. “No Bee Gees until after eleven!”
Relieved laughter cut through the room as Richard flipped the music back to Bach and reached for my arm and led me into the hallway. “What is wrong with you? How much have you had to drink?” His eyes narrowed and I didn’t have to conjure the panicked note of apology in my voice.
“I can’t—just a couple glasses, but—I’m sorry. I’ll switch to water right now.”
He reached for my half-full goblet of Chardonnay and I quickly relinquished it.
For the rest of the night, I felt my husband’s glare. I saw his fingers clenching his glass of Scotch. I tried to remember the sympathy mixed with admiration on Emma’s face when he’d smoothed over the scene I’d created; that was what got me through the rest of the party.
I’d accomplished everything I’d set out to do.
It was worth it, even though my bruises didn’t heal for two weeks.
Richard never sent me a new piece of jewelry to make amends for that misunderstanding. This was confirmation he was no longer as invested in us; his focus was shifting.
“I’m in love with Richard,” I say a final time as I peer into the empty hallway. “I am supposed to be here.”
It wasn’t difficult to get into Richard’s office building. Just a few floors below his firm was an accounting company that handled high-net-worth individuals. I made an appointment, explaining that I was a single woman who had recently come into an inheritance. It wasn’t far from the truth. After all, I still had the receipt from Richard’s check in my wallet. I booked the last appointment of the day, six o’clock, and sailed past the guard’s desk with my visitor sticker attached to my new dress.
After my appointment, I took the elevator to Richard’s floor and walked quickly to the ladies’ room. The code hadn’t changed, and I slipped into the end stall. I already looked as much like Emma as possible on the outside; my new red lipstick and fitted dress and curled hair completed my physical transformation. I tore my visitor’s pass into a dozen pieces and buried it in the trash can. I spent the next couple of hours practicing her voice, her posture, her mannerisms. A few women came in to use the bathroom, but no one lingered.
Now it is eight-thirty. I finally see the three-person cleaning crew emerge from the elevator, pushing a cart filled with supplies. I force myself to wait until they reach the door of Richard’s firm.
I am confident.
“Hello!” I call as I stride briskly toward them.
I am poised.
“Nice to see you again.”
I belong here.
Surely this crew must have encountered Emma on nights she worked late with Richard. The man who has just unlocked the double glass doors gives me a hesitant smile.
“My boss needs me to check something on his desk.” I gesture to the corner office I know so well. “I’ll just be a minute.”
I hurry past them, taking longer steps than I would normally. One of the cleaning women picks up a duster and follows me, which I expected. I pass Emma’s old cubicle, which now holds a potted African violet and a flowered tea mug. Then I open the door to Richard’s office.
“It should be right here.” I walk behind the desk and open one of the two heavy lower drawers. But it is empty save for a squeezable stress reliever, a few PowerBars, and an unopened box of Callaway golf balls.
“Oh, he must’ve moved it,” I say to the cleaner. I can feel her energy heighten; she’s clearly a little nervous now. She moves closer to me. I can read her mental process. She is telling herself I must belong here or I could never have gotten through the guard. And she doesn’t want to offend an office employee. But if she’s wrong, she could be jeopardizing her job.
My salvation is staring at me: a silver-framed photograph of Emma on the corner of Richard’s desk. I pick it up and show it to the cleaning woman, making sure to hold it a couple of feet away from her. “See? It’s me.” She breaks into a relieved smile, and I’m glad she doesn’t think to ask why my boss keeps a photo of his assistant on his desk.
I pull open the second drawer and see Richard’s files. Each has a typewritten label.
I find the one marked AmEx and leaf through his statements until I find the itemized one for February. What I’m searching for is right at the top: Sotheby’s Wine, $3,150 refund.
The cleaning woman has turned toward the windows to dust the blinds, but I can’t allow myself even the briefest of celebrations. I slip the piece of paper into my purse.
“All done! Thank you!”
She nods and I start to exit the office. As I round the edge of the desk, I reach out and touch Emma’s photo again. I can’t resist. I twist it so she faces the wall.