21
Within the last three days — closer to two — I had now been asked two, reasonable questions and my mind went blank with both of them.
My porter, Mark rang dinner and saved me from Fenrir’s simple question. We were just starting out on our return trip from the fishing village, so I doubted I was going to be saved from Víðarr’s question — which was perfectly sensible. It should have been obvious to me that some sort of context would be requested. Yet, it didn’t cross my mind and I had no answer, and now felt uncomfortable.
Víðarr had just described the agitation he was feeling from the effects of whatever the hell Fenrir gave him, as close to a hive of ants crawling over his body. Everywhere, the feel of them crawled across his skin and flesh.
I shifted in my saddle feeling the hive stirring at the base of my own spine.
I didn’t have a context, but I did have an origin issue which led me here, so I told him of finding Fenrir in my room near the balcony, and approaching him — and then the question he asked.
"And I don’t have a specific reason for asking, Víðarr. My mind is blank every time I look in Fenrir’s direction. I feel that he is more to me than he should be. More to me than I should even consider allowing, but I have no reason or explanation for that claim. None. Yet there must be one, because the emotion is so visceral and tectonic."
He didn’t respond right away. Just when I began to wonder if he had decided not to enjoin me in this conversation, he said, "I guess that makes sense. It’s not like you’ve ever had to ask the question before, right? You’ve known your men all of your life. They were childhood companions. You know everything about them. The question of why necessary."
Looking back to him, I found his eyes on me, and him smiling. "Don’t beat yourself up. You don’t know, what you don’t know. It probably sounds obvious, now that it’s been said, but it’s not. Not for anyone. And if it makes you feel any better, I don’t know all the reasons I love the woman I left at home."
I bowed my head to him and thanked him. "This is a vocabulary issue then?"
"An experience issue as well, I suspect," he agreed. "We all have our blind spots. I doubt you grew up reading many romance stories."
"Only one. Romeo and Juliet, a play," I admitted.
"That’s not a romance story," he scoffed.
"It’s not? Felt romantic to me."
He shook his head. "It’s a hormonal tragedy that occurs between a fourteen year old girl, and a seventeen year old boy, over the period of three days, and ends with murder, deceit and suicide. Hardly where I would seek out answers for questions of the heart."
I frowned, but he was right. Then a thought occurred to me. "Did you? Did you at some point seek answers in that area. I mean, with purpose?"
He shrugged. "Yes, after Kathy and I grew closer to being lovers, and not just friends. She asked several questions I had never thought about before. I have never been with a human lover. I found myself as you described — my mind blank, and without a clue where to begin to look for answers. I have discovered that the Kind are not as emotionally ensnared in these areas as deeply as humans are."
"Why is that, do you think?" I asked.
"It’s fairly simple, we can smell or hear the answers you are looking for — where you have to ask, we’ve already tasted your feelings."
And why the fuck hadn’t I thought of that before? I live with four of them, day and night! Now I was frowning.
"For example," he said, looking back toward the end of our line, "I don’t have to see you, or ask, to know that you’re feeling a bit embarrassed at the moment, and self-critical. Your skin temperature has gone down, because your emotions have caused the veins to pull inside, away from the surface. Your scent has become defensive, with a spike of warning. The muscles in your shoulders and hands have tensed up. To me, this is all very clear. To you, it is possible you’re not specifically aware of each physical alteration, and certainly wouldn’t notice it from another human."
The number of details he listed was interesting, even intimidating. "I guess, when living with the Kind you have less privacy."
"My mother told me that when the tribes first came into being, that the social rule was to not notice these things. To pretend you didn’t notice the girl you were talking to wanted to have sex with you — right now. It made sense at first, because while the body might be aroused, it didn’t mean that the mind was engaged as well, or in agreement. So unless it was said, it wasn’t real."
He searched the trees to our right for a moment, and then continued. "That didn’t last long. Our noses and ears are simply too sharp to pretend not to smell depression or anger or rage, or erotic desire. Now it is not taboo to notice, but again, a woman’s scent is not her mind, or her heart."
That struck a clean cord with me. "I agree with that, and from personal experience, I understand. In fact, there was a man that visited once, and my body was on fire for him, but he was such an ass, there was no chance of him getting closer than ten feet."
We traveled in silence for almost a mile. I had quite a bit to think about now and needed to process. I would have to get with Iris and learn more about this other communication factor going on with the Kind.
After I had sorted things into my memory castle, I said, "If I understand this correctly — is it reasonable that Fenrir is aware of my desire for him? That he knows I’m sincere and not playing games or merely looking for sport?"
Víðarr looked over his shoulder and then up to me. "Yes, undoubtedly he is aware of your honest desire. As to why he would ask then — it is because we don’t smell ‘why’. I know the man on the horse in front of you is angry, but I don’t know why. I know the one beside him is in love, but not with who."
His state was not agitated, but rather uneasy, and rising in the direction of defensive. I didn’t have his nose, but I grew up around fighting men and knew my own men as well.
"What are you hearing?" I asked him. "In which direction?"
He shook his head. "I don’t hear them, but I also don’t hear anything else."
I sat up straighter and looked around. We were inside the largest wooded forest area between the Keep and the Fishing Village; about twenty kilometers across. This road had to be kept clear, and the undergrowth cut back to limit ambush areas.
It took only a few seconds to become aware of what he meant. There were no song birds. No squirrels. No darting rabbits. Once that felt confirmed, my mind leaped to four days ago, when I watched dig zombies out of the earth — out of the foundation of the Temple.
"Marcus! Set your men to On-Guard, and bring our column to a halt, then come talk to me."
Hell of a time to send half my guard off chasing Karal.