Chapter Thirty-Eight
Sasha didn’t want to be falling for Sam. Falling for him meant trouble. It meant a lack of control. It meant the possibility of getting hurt. It meant getting into that car, as she had done with Kirk, and risking a metaphorical car accident again. One that could leave her paralysed with pain and depression. In short, she was scared.
It didn’t help that the green-eyed monster had reared its ugly head again, jumping about with a mischievous grimace and gloating, ‘Hey, it’s me. I’m jealousy. Back to muck up your life and torture you again!’
The green-eyed monster had visited briefly in the form of Michelle, but then along came Tara, a close friend of Sam’s; one whose presence evoked all the irrational fears Sasha had. Tara pushed every button.
It didn’t help that Tara was gorgeous. Ridiculously thin. The type of thin that was an effortless skill; one that didn’t require any dieting or obsessing or hours of calorie-counting torture. She was naturally thin.
Then there was the hair; long, sleek, impeccable condition. A glossy shine that hinted at hours of heat wraps and conditioning oil. She flicked it over her shoulder with the effortless abandon of a model in a shampoo ad.
But most of all, it was the relationship that Sam and Tara had. They told each other everything. Sam had known Tara since they were toddlers – having been united as family friends. Their mothers were best friends, so Sam and Tara spent most of their childhood together; playing school and house and doctors and nurses; Tara dressing Sam up in her mother’s shoes and feather boas.
“She’s like my wee sister,” Sam had said once.
“Er, you mean your big sister,” Tara had corrected him, teasing.
It made Sasha uncomfortable. She knew it shouldn’t. She knew it was her problem – that she was a jealous, insecure, heap of pathetic fear. But she couldn’t help it.
It was as if there was a nasty voice on her shoulder – jibing her the whole time.
• Yeah, right. So you think those two are like brother and sister? Come on. Have you seen her? She’s like a model. Of course he’s going to be attracted to her
What will happen is that they’ll both wake up one day and realise, ‘God! What have I been doing all this time? The person I love has been right under my nose. I have been wasting so much time!’
Sasha tried to shake the negative thoughts away. God, it’s no fun having my head, she thought. Why can’t I just be secure in myself?
She tried to brush thoughts away; really she did. But then something happened which made them impossible to ignore.
Sam had sounded so blasé about it, too. As though it was no big deal.
“Oh, I can’t meet you on Friday, babe. I’m heading to Dublin with Tara.”
What? Her insides screeched. On the outside, she managed to stay calm. She managed to seem okay about it. “Oh?” she asked, the slight tilt in her voice acting as an invitation. Please tell me why you are going to Dublin? What on earth is this about?
He looked up at her, realising she was waiting for an explanation.
“Tara’s got an audition,” he explained. “It’s a big one, apparently, for some TV series. She wants a bit of support.”
Sasha noticed how her stomach flipped in double jealousy. Not only was Tara getting Sam’s undivided attention for the day but she had an audition for a huge TV series; she was mega talented.
“Oh right,” Sasha said, trying to sound cool and flippant. But her stomach was doing cartwheels, her shoulders felt hunched around her ear lobes and a tension headache was starting to hammer at her temples.
“Excuse me a sec; must visit the ladies.”
They were in a fancy restaurant. Sam was treating her. “No reason,” he’d said. “Just because.”
She tried to pull herself together in the toilets. Come on now, Sasha. For the love of God, wise up. Don’t spoil this evening by being moody and suspicious.
But all the talking to herself in the world would not help. She was powerless. Powerless over her jealousy.
“Are you okay tonight?” Sam asked later in the evening, when he had noticed a dip in her energy levels.
“I’m fine,” she lied.
He gave her that look again. The look that said, I know you’re not fine. Please tell me what’s wrong?
“Honestly, I’m fine,” she lied again.
If this was Kirk, he’d be fuming by now, she thought. He’d be sitting me down and having a talk-a-thon of epic proportions.
But Sam stayed calm and quiet. He seemed to have an understanding – that perhaps she had PMT. Or perhaps she was just tired. Or he just understood that people can’t be upbeat all of the time.
“It’s something to do with Tara, isn’t it?” Sam asked. When they were back home, sitting on the sofa, blanket wrapped around them, glass of wine in hand, chatting.
“What?” Sasha asked, surprised, as if the subject of Tara was alien to her.
Sam dipped his head and gave her a raised eyebrow. It wasn’t an aggressive look. It was a look that said, It’s okay. I understand.
Sasha sank her shoulders.
“Okay, yes. I guess I feel a bit threated by her. I’m silly. I know.”
Sam gave her a warm and sympathetic smile.
“You’re not silly,” he soothed. “You’re just the same as every other woman on the planet.”
She looked at him inquisitively, wondering what he meant.
“Every woman gets jealous at some stage,” he reasoned. “It shows you care.” He nudged her and teased, “I’m flattered.”
She giggled despite herself. My God, this was totally different to Kirk. He wasn’t screaming or shouting or blaming her. He wasn’t telling her to change. He was accepting her as she was.
She felt her heart open and expand towards him; like a hungry sunflower reaching towards the sun.
“Thank you,” she said, softly. “Thank you so much.”
She dug her face in his chest, wrapping her arms around him. He curled his arms around her and rested his head on hers.
They sat like that for a while; silent, hugging. She felt safe, like a little bird; cosy in her mother’s nest.
“I have a suggestion,” he whispered.
She cocked her head up towards him slightly. “What?”
“Why don’t you come with us?”
Sasha sat upright and looked at him with surprise. “Me? Really?”
“Yeah,” he shrugged. “Why not? She wants the support. She wants the company. There’ll be a lot of hanging around waiting, which is why she doesn’t want to go on her own.”
Sasha bit her lip. “That’s really kind of you but… won’t she mind?”
Sam shook his head. “No way! She won’t mind at all. The more, the merrier.”
Sasha felt her emotions whirl inside her. On the one hand, she was so utterly grateful; for Sam opening his heart and his life to her, for doing anything to help her to trust him.
But on the other – God, what if Tara thought she was the most annoying girlfriend from hell? The complete cling-on? Won’t let her boyfriend out of her sight for one day? Sasha took a deep breath.
“Well then, I’d love to come,” she smiled. “If it’s okay with Tara, I’d love to come along.”