Sierra
After spending the last few hours wandering around Los Angeles, I called James to pick me up and take me home. I didn’t have the answers that Cameron wanted and I didn’t know what to do. The thing I knew I needed to do was talk to him. If he’d only give me some more time, I knew we could make this work. I sat on a bench and waited for James. When he pulled up to the curb, he got out of the limo and sat down next to me. All he had to do was put his arm around me and I lost it. The tears started to fall uncontrollably as he kissed the top of my head.
“I know it hurts, but you don’t have to go through this. Go talk to him.”
“He knew the rule. He knew that I wasn’t in it for a relationship and then he had to go and fall in love with me. How could he do that?”
I heard him chuckle as he looked at me. “You’re a loveable person, Sierra, and I know deep down inside that stubborn little heart of yours, you have feelings for him. I’ve watched you change since Cameron came into your life. You were happy.”
I wiped my tears and lifted my head from his shoulder. “I was, wasn’t I?”
“Yes. It was something that came naturally to you when the two of you were together.”
“Let’s go. I need to talk to him.”
We both got up and I slid into the back of the limo and headed home. When we pulled up in the driveway, a wave of nausea overtook me. His truck was gone. I got out and quickly walked into the house and flew up the stairs to my bedroom and then up the spiral staircase with the hope that maybe he was there. He wasn’t. I stood in the doorway and looked at my finished room. The windows were all in place and the sunlight was shining brightly through them.
“Sierra,” I heard Rosa say.
I turned around and looked at her. The look on her face was sad and I knew in that moment that he was gone.
“He left,” she said.
“Where did he go?”
“He went back home. I’m sorry,” she said as she handed me a glass full of tequila and turned and walked out.
I took a sip and went down to my room and saw a folded piece of paper lying on my pillow. I walked over and picked it up. Holding it in one hand and my glass in the other, I climbed onto my bed and sat back. It was a letter from Cameron.
“Dear Sierra,
I don’t even know what to say to you except that everything that I told you earlier was true. I love you. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but I can’t help it because I wanted nothing more than to tell the world how much I loved you. I’m not going to apologize for loving you. I won’t do that because I’m not sorry. We shared some great times together and I will never regret that. But you need to understand that I can’t stay because it hurts to see you every day and to make love to you knowing that the relationship will never be anything more. Like the old saying goes: you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Life is made up of what you want, and sometimes you need to take a risk, even if it scares the shit out of you because it could be the best and most rewarding risk you ever take. I took a risk coming out to Los Angeles for work, and for me, it was the best decision I ever made. I can’t make you love me, but I can wish you the best and all the happiness in the world. I want you to know that I’ll never forget you and the time we spent together. Through all your crazy ways and your love for the finer things in life, you swept me off my feet, Sierra Adams. Before I end this letter, I’m asking you to do one thing for me. Go and be happy because you deserve it.
Love forever,
Cameron”
As the tears poured from my eyes, I finished off the glass of tequila and curled up into a ball, trying to shield myself from the pain. This was all too familiar to me. The tears, the curling up, the hurt, and most of all, the ache that my heart felt. I couldn’t believe he left. I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to deal with the reality anymore. I saw myself from three years ago, holding out my hand, waiting to take me back to that dark place in the deepest corner of my mind. The place that I fought so hard to climb out of. My self was smiling at me and telling me that if I went back, I’d be safe and shielded from the pain. NO!
“Sierra, wake up. You’re having a bad dream,” I heard Kirsty’s voice say in the distance.
I opened my swollen eyes; she and Rosa were standing over me.
“Ugh, go away,” I said as I rolled over. “Let me wallow in my own self-pity for the next year.”
“Absolutely not!” Kirsty said. “You did this to yourself. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Fire me if you don’t like what I’m saying. Cameron isn’t one of your emotionless suits. You hurt him and you have nobody to blame but yourself. He’s not Ryan and he never will be. I stood by you through that fiasco because Ryan was to blame for your pain. Cameron isn’t to blame here. You are. You’re responsible for your own pain and you need to get over it.”
Wow. I didn’t know she had that side to her. I was a little impressed, but I also hated the fact that she was right.
“Please, just give me this one night. It’s all I ask. Just this one night.”
“Fine. Just this one night, but I’ll be staying here tonight in the guestroom because you shouldn’t be alone.”
“And I’m staying too,” Rosa said.
I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”
They both left the room and I curled back up into my little ball.
****
Cameron
I sat on the plane and thumbed through the pictures of us. Her smile was bright and she was happy. Even if she never wanted to admit it, she was happy. It was going to be hard being without her. I’d hoped that being out of L.A. would help lessen the pain, and my parents were thrilled that I was coming home. I wasn’t going to tell them about Sierra because as far as they were concerned, she was still the lesbian barista that worked at Starbucks. She was crazy and I loved her, but I had to move on and somehow try to get over her.