Lily stood gazing out the window onto the street below. Traffic crawled by. Downtown Boston was almost as bad as New York City during rush hour. There was a good portion of the city that took the bus or walked. The bus was out of the question for her. She’d gotten Mike to bring her to her shrink’s office. After the last few days, she needed to talk. Badly.
The office door opened, and a middle aged man scurried out, looking emotionally battered. She recognized the look, having worn it herself more times than she could count after an office visit with Rebekha.
Dr. Rebekha Purdue popped her head out and smiled at Lily. She was in her mid to late forties, about the age of Lily’s mom, with chestnut brown hair and warm brown eyes. She reminded Lily a lot of her mother. Maybe that was why she had connected with her after seeing three other psychiatrists in the greater Boston area when she’d moved here.
“Lily, come in, come in.” Rebekha stepped back so Lily could enter. The office was warm and cozy, done in soothing shades of blue and gray, with a random yellow throw pillow nestled on one of the couches.
“Thank you so much for fitting me in.” Lily dropped down on the couch nearest the door and grabbed the throw pillow.
“Of course.” Rebekha took her seat in the armchair across from Lily. “It’s not often you call and ask for an emergency meeting. The last one was a year ago, I believe. Is everything okay?”
She’d been seeing Rebekha twice a week when she’d first started therapy sessions three years ago. Now she was down to a visit twice a month as needed. The last emergency session had been when Brian tried to hug her and she’d flipped out. Hiding her phobia from everyone after that had been impossible. All the guys she’d tutored had become extremely protective of her after Adam explained it to them. That was part of the reason they rode Nikoli so hard over her. Sometimes she thought they’d all adopted her as an honorary little sister.
“I met someone.” Lily stared at her fingers twisting the end of the pillow. Rebekha waited for her to go on. She’d learned from the beginning to let Lily talk at her own pace, something Lily truly appreciated. Talking about her feelings and her phobia was hard for her. “He says he can help me learn to deal with my phobia.”
“Help you?” Rebekha shifted in her seat and gave her a questioning stare.
Lily spent the next twenty minutes going over the last few days and told her about Nikoli and his crazy proposition, about all the crazy emotions she’d been feeling, and how Nikoli made her feel.
“That’s crazy, right?” Lily finally looked up. “I don’t understand why my panic level doesn’t skyrocket around him, or why he can touch me when Adam can’t.”
“It’s not crazy at all,” Rebekah assured her. “Lily, your phobia is not extreme or as severe as some of the other patients I treat. I have patients who can’t even leave their apartment because they are so petrified of physical contact. You are a functioning member of society. You have limits, yes, like cutting your own hair instead of going to a salon, but your fear is a controlled one. You don’t let it stop you. Let’s look at what we know about your phobia. Your fear is centered more around your family than the general public. You are afraid that showing them love or any emotion through physical contact can somehow cause them harm or even death. You think of Adam as family, don’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Adam became part of your fear, but Nikoli is new, he’s not someone you consider family.”
“Still, I shouldn’t want him to touch me. I’ve known most of the football team for years, and I can’t even give Mikey a hug. I don’t understand what is going on with me. Why is he different?”
Rebehka smiled, and Lily fidgeted. “Maybe he’s different because you are attracted to him?”
Lily swept her eyes back down, but she couldn’t hide the blush that bloomed on her cheeks. “Only a blind woman wouldn’t be attracted to him.”
“Lily, this isn’t a bad thing. It means you are finally ready to start to forgive yourself. You want to get better. It’s what we’ve been talking about for months. This isn’t all of a sudden. It’s been a long time coming. Your mind needed a way to let you express yourself, to let you touch someone who isn’t family, and somewhere in the last few days, you’ve decided that someone is Nikoli.”
Lily groaned and let herself fall back against the cushion. The need to be normal had been driving her nuts for months, especially now that she was graduating college and starting her life. All she wanted was to be normal. Was that where this willingness to let Nikoli touch her came from?
“Tell me about Nikoli,” Rebekha encouraged. “You said he’s different than Adam. What’s so different?”
“He doesn’t treat me like I’m his little sister who’s going to break apart at the first gust of wind.” Lily opened her eyes and looked at the abstract art lining the walls. “There’s something else.”
“Hmm?”
“Adam…well, Adam and I are not talking right now. He acted like an ass when he found out I was going on a date with Nikoli, and then he…he used my phobia against me to make me feel worthless.”
“Why would he do that?” Rebekha kept her face neutral, but concerned.
“Nikoli says he’s jealous, and part of me hopes he is. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to see me.”
“His wedding is soon, isn’t it?”
“Christmas.” Lily stood and paced the room. “I’ve wondered if maybe my willingness to let Nikoli touch me is part of that.”
“Is it?”
“I don’t know.” Lily sank back down on the couch. “I just don’t know. All I know is I’m confused. Nikoli makes me feel things, want things, things I’ve never felt or needed from Adam. I love Adam, but what if I’m not in love with him? What if I just latched onto the one person who made me feel safe, the person who’s always there for me?”
“Maybe this little experiment of yours with Nikoli will help you answer those questions, Lily.”
Maybe. Lily had been thinking about this for days. Nikoli sparked a response in her that she’d never felt in Adam’s presence. It was probably just lust, but it also said to her that her feelings for Adam may have been morphed into something bigger in her own head. Adam was her constant.
“Do you think we can go back to two sessions a week for a little while?” she asked abruptly. “I feel so out of control right now. All these emotions and sensations are new to me, and I feel overwhelmed.”
“Of course, Lily, if you feel you need it.” Rebekha smiled at her in such a motherly fashion it made her miss her mother in that instant. Her mama would help her hash this out, but she was miles and miles away in Florida.
“For a little while,” she said absently. “Nikoli pushes me, he won’t let me hide, but he never pushes me too far, or at least he hasn’t yet. I need to talk about it, though. I can’t talk to Adam about this, especially not right now.”
“Now, tell me how you are feeling in regards to your argument with Adam.” Rebekha moved the conversation back to Adam.
Lily’s shoulders sagged. “Adam has always been there, never unkind, always supportive, until I started dating Nikoli. I never knew he could be so cruel. He hurt me more than I can express. He’s sorry, but I can’t get past what he said to me, how he made me feel.”
“Sometimes those we love hurt us more than anyone else, Lily.”
Lily fiddled with the cushion again. “I’m trying to forgive him. I need him in my life, even if from a distance. He is the one stable person in my life, the one person who never made me feel guilty about Laney. Sometimes my mom looks at me, and I can still see the pain in her eyes and just a little bit of blame. I don’t know if I imagine it or not, but I see it.” Lily rubbed her neck, trying to loosen the tension knot. “I’ve been talking about Laney with Nikoli.”
Rebekha’s eyebrows went up just a bit. Lily refused to willingly talk about her sister with anyone, but with Nikoli, she found she could talk about her. She wasn’t sure why.
“Maybe it’s because Nikoli didn’t know the two of you, and you feel safe from the doubt and the blame? This is good, Lily. It’s progress, a massive step forward in forgiving yourself for her death.”
Lily wouldn’t go that far, but it was nice to talk to someone about her without any blame or guilt, imagined or real, aimed at her. It helped.
“Time’s up, Lily.” Rebekha stood. “Stop at the desk and make your next appointment for Friday with Sharon. If you need me, you have my office number and my cell number. I want you to call if you start to feel too out of control. We don’t want another repeat of your last incident, but I think you’ll be fine. You’re stronger than you think.”
Lily gave her a small smile and thanked her. She stepped out and waited behind a woman to make her next appointment.
Maybe this really would work. Maybe she could be normal again. There wasn’t anything she wanted more than that.
***
Nikoli paced the small apartment like a caged animal. He was sexually frustrated and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. Except get surly, which he’d been for the last week. Lily, damn her, grinned when she saw him. She was betting he couldn’t last without sex, but he was just as stubborn as she was.
Luther started a betting pool on it. Most people gave him two weeks, tops. Luther gave him a week and three days. He threw a glare at the top of Luther’s head over that one.
“You know, if you wear a hole in the carpet, we lose our deposit,” Luther said casually, his gaze focused on the game he was playing.
“And?” Nikoli growled.
“Just saying, bro.” Luther paused the game and turned to face him. “It’s only been a little over a week and you’re ready to explode. You need to de-stress.”
“You’re not winning the pool, Luther,” he said, his glare hot enough to singe what little hair was on his friend’s head.
“Hey, man, I’m just saying you need to de-stress. Why don’t you go out and have a few? I’ll even come keep you company.”
“No,” Nikoli snapped. “If I do that, I’ll end up fucking someone.”
“Then go pace in your own fucking room,” Luther snapped back. “It’s getting on my nerves.”
Nikoli flipped Luther off and stalked to his room, slamming the door. Damn, but he was in a foul mood. Who the hell knew going without sex could cause this much irritability? Porn wasn’t even helping. Well, not much. He sat down at his desk and stared at the computer screen. He should be programming, but he was too wired.
He trolled his Facebook page for a few minutes before giving up and dragging out his phone. Lily’s face appeared when he pulled up her contact information. He just stared and felt himself get even harder. Damn, this girl was messing with him in more ways than should be possible. He missed her. It was odd. He’d never missed anyone before, except his family, but certainly not a girl.
His Skype pinged and he glanced over to see his brother Viktor had sent him a photo of him and his new girl. Vik was the only one of his brothers who’d had a relationship with a girl for longer than a week. The rest of the brothers thought he was weird, willing to tie himself down to one girl.
Lily made him wonder what it would be like to be tied down to one girl, and even though it set off alarm bells, he found himself thinking of it more and more. She was unlike any girl he’d ever met. She knew cars maybe even better than he did. Sexy as hell and she could keep him interested in an actual conversation for more than five minutes.
He glanced from his phone to his open Skype and back to his phone. Why didn’t he have her on Skype? He grinned. Maybe seeing her on cam would alleviate some of his irritability. Hell, just seeing her get riled and irritated as much as he was might help. He enjoyed getting her all worked up and spitting fire at him.
First he searched her name, and there were too many hits to even sort through. He tried her email with no results. Frowning, he sent her a text.
Nikoli: What’s ur Skype name?
Lily: What makes u think I have Skype?
Nikoli: FFS, who doesn’t have Skype?
Lily: Me?
Nikoli: LILY!
Lily: Fine. Arabella.
Nikoli: Arabella?
Lily: Game account.
A game account? She was a gamer? He’d never seen the name. She probably played those girly Facebook games. Farmer Lily. He chuckled at the thought as he searched Arabella. Six popped up.
Nikoli: Which 1?
Lily: Girl with the finger to her lips.
Her Skype had a provocative picture? So many things about her didn’t make sense to him. She had a severe issue with being touched, but her Skype profile picture oozed sex? He shook his head and sent her a contact request.
And waited.
And waited.
Nikoli: FFS, Lily, accept the damn request.
Lily: My Skype isn’t on.
He rolled his eyes in frustration and let out a long-suffering sigh.
Nikoli: Then open the fucking program!
Lily: Hold your damn horses.
Nikoli: I’m about 2 come over there.
Lily: Sheesh!
His eyes roamed back to the screen to see she accepted, but her status was set to away. His eyes narrowed. Such a liar. Her Skype had been on the whole time; she’d been messing with him.
He hit video call and waited and waited and waited until it hung up. Damn that woman. He opened the Skype chat box.
Nikoli: Answer the damn call!
Lily: Busy.
Nikoli: I’m getting in my car and coming over there right now.
He hit the video call button again, and she answered before the first ring finished. Her irritated face greeted him, and he laughed. She looked pissed.
“What the hell do you want, Nikoli?” she asked. “I’m trying to study.”
“I just wanted to see your smiling face,” he said, the laughter in his voice apparent. She sounded so grumpy.
“There, you’ve seen it, I need to…”
“Now, now, my little prude,” he interrupted. “It’s either talk with me here, or I come pick you up. Your choice.”
The glare she gave him rivaled the one he’d just leveled at Luther.
“Fine,” she huffed. “What do you want to talk about?”
“You.”
“Me? Why?”
“You’re a fascinating girl, Lily.” That was an understatement. “Stand up.”
“Why?”
He sighed. “Lily, don’t argue, just do as you’re told.”
Lily stood up and his mouth went a little dry. She had on an old Metallica tee shirt and a scrap of white lace panties. Damn. He shouldn’t have asked that, but he was curious to see what she wore to bed.
“Well, at least you’re not wearing granny panties like I assumed,” he said. “You’re a lace girl, huh?”
She sat back down and nodded. “Yeah. I don’t like to feel anything else against my skin. Why would you think I wore granny panties?”
He laughed. “Because you are a prude, Lily.”
“Says the manwhore,” she quipped and tossed her heavy hair over one shoulder. “I bet Luther’s pissed.”
Of course she knew about the pool going around. “He tried to get me to go drinking tonight.”
“Mikey thinks you’ll last three weeks. He’s being generous.”
“And what about you, Lily Bells? How long do you think I’ll last?”
She smiled, and it lit up her face. “I think you’ll go the distance.”
“Why’s that?”
“You want to keep your car as much as I want it.”
Hell yes, he was keeping his baby. He kicked off his shoes and stretched. While the bulge in his pants wasn’t going anywhere, the sound of her voice calmed him. It took the edge off. That irritated him, but he wasn’t going to complain.
A knock at Lily’s door interrupted them, and he watched as she got up and opened it. He couldn’t see around her, but he did hear several girls. They sounded agitated. Lily was shaking her head, and he chuckled at the sound of the girls’ raised voices. Being a floor advisor had to be an adventure in and of itself.
“What was that about?” he asked when she sat back down.
“Nothing,” she said, pulling a book in her lap. “Just teenage girls being teenage girls.”
“How long have you been a floor advisor?”
“Since sophomore year.” She flipped several pages and wrote something down on her notepad.
“Why?”
“Because it pays for my room and board,” she told him, looking up. “After my dad died, it was hard financially, and then when Laney died, it got worse. After Mom married Dave, it got better, but she couldn’t afford to send me to college. I had to pay for it with grants, loans, and scholarships.”
Here was a girl who understood hard work and paying your own way. Another first for him. Most of the girls he knew wanted people to do everything for them. His respect for Lily went up a notch.
“Why do you call me Lily Bells?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It just popped in my head that first day. Besides, it suits you.”
“My name is Lily Isabella Holmes. I wasn’t sure if you knew that or not, and if you did, how you found out.”
“Nope, sorry, I didn’t know that.”
She shoved her glasses on, and he burst out laughing. She had these old fifties-style black rimmed glasses that screamed nerd. She wound her hair up in a loose knot and settled back, getting comfortable.
“Appreciate the nerdy bookworm,” she told him.
“Oh, I am. She’s sexy as hell.” It was true. Even with those awful glasses on, she was still gorgeous and sexy sitting there in her t-shirt and lace underwear. It made him want to take the scrap of material in his teeth and strip it off her slowly.
“Tell me about Laney.” He needed to distract himself from that thought or he’d never get to sleep.
“What…why?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“Because, Milaya, part of your problems stem from what happened to your sister. You feel guilty. Talking about her will help.”
“What do you want to know?” she asked cautiously.
“Whatever you want to tell me.”
Lily stared at Nikoli’s face and frowned. Talking about her sister wasn’t going to help. It might make it worse. Anytime she thought of her twin, she always got depressed and lonely. She missed her more than anything and wished she could take back that awful day. Talking about Laney hurt.
What if he was right, though? What if not talking about her was part of the problem? Rebekah seemed to think talking about Laney was helping her to forgive herself, and it was easier to talk to him than anyone else about her sister.
“You remember I told you Laney and I were twins?”
He nodded and waited for her to continue.
She smiled. He was as patient with her as her psychiatrist was. Her fingers caught the hem of her t-shirt and started twisting. “When we were little, we did everything together, even finished each other’s sentences. Very twinish. She was a mama’s girl, though, and I was strictly a daddy’s girl. Our personalities were so different, it didn’t matter that we were identical. Anyone could tell us apart.” A grin lit up her face. “Unless we didn’t want them to.”
“You two were devils, weren’t you?” Nikoli asked. His laugh filled the room.
“Terrors,” she agreed, smiling. “My grandpa used to swear in frustration every time he watched us. We always talked him into doing things our parents said no to.”
“How was she different from you?”
“I was the quiet one with her nose either in a book or buried under the hood of a car. Not Laney. She had this bigger than life personality that drew all kinds of people to her. Everyone loved her. She was kind and sweet, but loud and boisterous too. Always the center of attention. The epitome of what a girl was—she loved shopping, purple was her favorite color, she loved cooking, fashion, you name it. If it was girly, Laney adored it.”
Lily paused and closed her eyes, flashes of her sister’s smiling face assaulting her. A tear leaked out at the pain that hit her in the gut. God, she missed Laney. So much. Missed the long talks they used to have, the sound of her laugh. Pain ripped through her and she almost doubled over from the force of it.
“Milaya, it’s okay to hurt, to grieve,” Nikoli said softly. “It’s how we deal with loss and move on. If you don’t let yourself grieve for your sister, you’ll never get better.”
“I miss her,” Lily told him, her eyes closed. “Every day. It feels like there is this big hole where she was. We were twins, two halves of the same whole. I always knew what she was thinking, what she was feeling. Now that’s gone. I’m empty inside, Nikoli. So empty. And every damn bit of it is my fault. If only I hadn’t been such a stupid…”
“Lily,” he interrupted her. “Your sister loved you, didn’t she?”
“Yes.”
“Then do you think she’d want you to keep blaming yourself? How would it make her feel knowing you were putting yourself through so much pain, when what happened to her was an accident?”
“No.”
“Then start to forgive yourself. From everything you’ve said, I know your sister would have forgiven you a long time ago. Neither of you had any idea that car was around the corner. Had you known, you’d have done everything to get to her, to save her. She knows that, and I guarantee she wouldn’t hold you responsible for what happened. It was an accident, Milaya, a tragic accident, and not your fault.”
Lily wiped her tears. Laney wouldn’t want her to be in this shape, but it was going to take more than a pep talk from Nikoli to make Lily forget what she’d done to her sister. She was starting to heal, even she realized that. Maybe it was just time, or maybe it was because of Nikoli. Either way, she was getting better. Talking with Rebekha had helped her come to that conclusion.
“Tell you what,” Nikoli said. “Every day, starting tomorrow, I want you to tell me something new about Laney. Tell me about some adventure you two went on, the pranks you pulled, anything you want to tell me about the happy memories you had with Laney. Can you do that?”
She nodded. She could do that.
“What are you doing Saturday?” he asked.
“Studying?”
“Nope.” He shook his head. “We’re going shopping.”
“Shopping?”
“You did tell me you weren’t stepping foot in either of my apartments until I switched the furniture.”
Lily shuddered thinking about all the gross fluids that had to be in his apartment.
“We’re going furniture shopping. Then you are going to help me and Luther move it all in.”
“You’re really going to get brand new furniture?”
“Just think of all the new memories we can make…you bent over the couch, laying on the kitchen table, your legs wrapped around me, tied to my bed while I kiss every inch of your skin.”
Lily felt the blush start to heat her cheeks, and she watched Nikoli’s eyes sweep her face and then follow the blush down to her shirt.
“Take off the shirt for me?” he asked.
“No!”
“I just want to see where the blush starts, Milaya.” His grin turned evil. “I’m in my apartment and you’re in your dorm room. You’re perfectly safe.”
“No,” she said adamantly. “I am not giving you a boob show.”
Nikoli laughed at her outraged tone. He loved getting her riled up, like a virgin who’s never even thought of a naked man before. He loved her outrage. It was refreshing.
“Lily, I’m not asking for Skype sex, I’m just asking for you to take off your shirt. Here, watch me take off mine.” He reached down and pulled his own shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. “See how easy that is?”
“I’m still not taking my shirt off.” She laughed, her eyes tracing his tattoos.
“Such a prude,” he said.
“Yup,” she agreed. “No boob show for you, Kincaid.”
“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked, changing the subject. If he teased her much more, he might really go over there, as hard as he was right now.
“Um, I hadn’t thought about it?”
“There’s this new place that opened a few blocks away from the Italian place you love. It’s only open for breakfast. I thought we might go check it out.”
“Sure,” she agreed, “but if they only serve heavy breakfast food, you’re stopping somewhere so I can get a yogurt or something.”
“Yogurt is boring, Lily Bells. Why not try something else, like biscuits and gravy?”
“I’m from the south,” she reminded him. “Biscuits and gravy is a staple where I’m from. If I didn’t eat it growing up, I’m not eating it now.”
“That’s too bad,” he said. “I would have loved to pour the gravy over your belly and lick it clean.”
Her gasp was loud, and he chuckled. He’d shocked her again.
“You think about sex too much,” she said after a minute, her voice just a little breathy.
“You can never think about sex too much,” he countered. “You, my prude, don’t think about it enough.”
“You’re an ass.”
“I’m your ass, though.” He grinned wickedly.
She shook her head. “I’m hanging up now. I really do have to study. I have a test in the morning.”
“Fine, Lily Bells, I’ll let you escape back to your studying, but I’ll swing by at six to pick you up. I have class at eight, so we need to go early.”
“That means I have to get up even earlier to take a shower, dammit.”
“Deal with it. Good night, Milaya.”
“Good night, asshat.” She disconnected the call, and he laughed. God, that girl was something else.
***
“I hate you, Lily.”
Lily grinned at Luther and flipped him off as she carried in the table lamp.
“Man up, Luther,” Janet said. “You’re the only one complaining.”
“Easy for you to say,” he grumbled. “We’re doing all the heavy lifting.”
Mike shot him a warning look. Lily only laughed. She’d love to see Janet go all Terminator on his ass. Luther needed a good kick in the rear anyway. He really had been complaining all day.
“I wouldn’t,” Adam whispered. Lily was close enough to hear him. “If you get her started, she’ll never shut up.”
Luther gave him a horrified look and ran back out the door to see what else needed to come up the three flights of stairs.
Lily had been surprised Adam volunteered to come help them move furniture. When he’d shown up with Mike and Janet, she’d almost told him to leave. Except they needed the help. Nikoli meant it when he said he was getting new furniture.
Goodwill had come by this morning and picked up every piece of furniture they owned, except for what was in Luther’s bedroom. Nikoli had dragged them both to several furniture stores after renting a U-Haul. He’d made Luther follow them in his car so she wouldn’t have to freak out over having to sit between them. She couldn’t handle that, and she knew it. Apparently, so did Nikoli.
Adam and Mike sat down the sectional in front of the TV. The fabric was a soft, dark beige and went well with the pale walls. Lily had picked it out not based on the color, but on sleep worthiness. She’d stretched out on several in the store and rolled around, testing comfort. This one was the softest, but had just a little resistance so you could nap with ease.
Nikoli tossed the red throw pillows at her and shouted, “Drinks in the fridge, guys. Grab a cold one before we go after the next load.”
Janet took a long swig of water and then whispered to Lily, “Why did he buy new furniture?”
“I refused to set foot in the place until his disease-covered filth was gone,” she said, not bothering to lower her voice.
Nikoli just smiled wanly and chugged his beer.
“Why do you think I don’t sit when I go over to Mike and Adam’s frat house?” Lily said, her expression scrunching up in disgust. “Just think about all the bodily fluids in that place.”
“Ewwww.” Janet looked disgusted. “I never thought about that.”
“We clean,” Mike defended.
“With bleach?” Lily asked. “And on every surface?”
“Well, no…”
“Not clean!” Janet did her grossed out dance. “I’m not going back there ever again.”
Mike shot Lily a what-have-you-done look, and she smiled. “Deal with it, Michealangelo.”
Luther let out a groan, and they all turned to see him sitting on the couch, a look of utter joy on his face. “Oh. My. God. I could live here.”
“Off the couch!” Lily demanded.
“What? Why?”
“Because it’s brand new and you’re dirty, sweaty, and you stink,” Lily told him.
“It’s my damn couch,” he grouched, but moved when he saw the look of promised pain Lily aimed at him. Instead, he rambled over to the fridge, which Nikoli had replaced the day before. The fact he’d replaced it made Lily shudder at the thought of what might have happened there.
Nikoli grabbed the drink out of Luther’s hand. “Nope, man, not yours. These are Lily’s.” He walked over and handed her the can of cherry Dr. Pepper.
“I like those too!” Luther protested.
“Don’t touch ’em,” Nikoli warned, his voice hard.
“How did you know these are my favorites?” Lily asked, perplexed. She’d never told him.
“Every time we go out to eat, it’s the first thing you ask for.” Nikoli shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Not hard to figure out.”
“Thank you, Nikoli,” she said softly.
He nodded and went back to the fridge to get a beer. He’d started to regret the arrangement he’d made with her. Not because he didn’t want to help her, but because he could feel himself changing, and it bothered him. He found himself doing little things for her, like making sure his fridge was stocked with her favorite drink, or walking her to every class even when it made him late for his own.
Lily appreciated the smaller gestures as opposed to the grand ones. It was something he’d figured out about her over the last two weeks. The smile she’d given him over the can of pop was enough to make his stomach do a little flip of its own. It disturbed him that she had this kind of effect on him, but at the same time, it was a new feeling, and one he liked. He snorted at his own indecision. The girl was really starting to get to him.
Adam pulled out a chair for Lily at the table, and Nikoli’s eyes narrowed. His first instinct had been to beat the shit out of Boy Wonder and send him packing, but Lily hadn’t told him to get lost, so Nikoli held his tongue. Adam had been useful at least, lugging more than his fair share up the stairs.
Janet wandered over and turned on the radio. Maroon 5’s “Sugar” blared out of the speakers. “Ohhh, I love this song!”
“Make the karaoke champ sing,” Mike said, his eyes vengeful.
“No.” Lily shook her head.
“Karaoke champ?” Nikoli asked, brow arched questioningly.
“Girl can sing,” Adam confirmed. “She sings good too.”
“This I have to hear.”
“Uh, no,” Lily refused. “Not gonna happen.”
“Aww, come on, Lils,” Adam cajoled. “Sing for us.”
“You first,” she said, a wicked smile spreading across her face. “Only fair the runner up goes first.”
Adam opened his mouth and started to sing along to the lyrics. Nikoli stared, open-mouthed. Boy Wonder had a decent voice. Lily laughed at Adam’s antics as he danced around the living room. He tossed her the remote control, and she started to sing with him, belting out the song. Their voices blended well, and it was obvious to anyone they’d sung together a lot.
His mouth went a little dry when Lily stood up and started to dance with him. The next song that came on was “Worth It” by Fifth Harmony. Her dance turned from fun and flirty to sensual and just a little dirty. Oh damn. His eyes followed her hips as they swayed and grinded.
Fuck. She said she loved to dance, but…fuck. His mouth watered when she went down and her hips did a little circle on the way back up. He barely suppressed a groan when she did some kind of wicked shimmy. Where did the woman learn to dance? If she kept this up, he was throwing them all out, and Lily was going to get her next lesson in controlling her fear. Fuck, he was hard. Glancing up, he caught Luther staring and punched him in the arm. “Eyes up,” he growled.
Nikoli swung his own eyes back to Lily and noticed Adam had gotten closer to her, dancing, his hips insinuating, grinding against hers, and a stab of jealousy struck him. What the hell? As much as he tried to deny it, the closer Adam got to her ass, the more he wanted to beat the little shit. Lily hadn’t noticed how close Adam was to her. She was having fun, and Nikoli moved closer, ready to intervene if necessary.
Lily laughed to herself when she caught Nikoli almost drooling. He’d tortured her for two weeks, and now it was her turn for a little payback. His eyes followed her hips, watched her ass bounce to the rhythm of the song, and she smiled, turning and moving with the grace of a cat.
Someone moved against her and she stilled, the song dying. Adam. She knew it because Nikoli looked furious. Her muscles tensed and she worked to control the tremors that started in her hands. Panic started in the pit of her stomach, and when Adam shifted his body, coming fully against her, his arms encircling her waist, she couldn’t stop her reaction. She jumped away from him and backed up until she hit the kitchen island. Eyes wide, she stared at him and fought to gain control.
He looked hurt, but dammit, he knew not to touch her. Her breathing sped up and she sank down to the floor as the panic attack took hold. She tucked her head between her legs and tried to breathe, tried to remember no one could hurt her.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Nikoli roared, and she winced. She couldn’t breathe. Oh, God, she couldn’t breathe. She felt more than saw Janet hovering. Janet saw her have one of her attacks last year when Brian tried to hug her after she’d helped him pass his English class. He’d been so sorry, when he’d done nothing wrong.
“I thought she was getting better,” Adam said quietly.
“She was.” The anger in Nikoli’s voice was deafening. “If you’ve set that back, I swear…”
“Nikoli,” she whispered and hoped he could hear her.
He was there in an instant, kneeling. “Milaya, be easy. You’re safe.”
His voice sounded calm and soothing, but when his fingers grazed over the top of her head, she couldn’t stop the whimper. “Don’t, please.” She couldn’t. His touch right now only set off panic. “Don’t touch me…I can’t…I…”
“Shh, katonyac, I’m not going to touch you.”
Lily saw him stand and stalk over to Adam. He grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled him close, his fist rearing back to strike.
“Don’t,” she whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. “Please don’t, Nikoli.”
She lifted her head enough to see his arm pulled back, the muscles so tight, they looked ready to snap. Instead, he threw Adam like he was a rag that you tossed in the kitchen sink.
“Get out, all of you.”
She heard Janet protesting, but it was useless. He emptied the room and walked over to the radio to turn it down. He didn’t cut it off, just lowered the volume. Then he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and sat down in front of her, a good foot between them. He set the bottle of water down where she could reach it.
“Easy, dushka,” he murmured. “You’re safe.”
Her lungs felt like they were closing in on her, and her vision got blurry. “I…I can’t breathe,” she gasped.
“Close your eyes,” he told her, his voice calm. “Listen to the sound of the music and don’t think about anything but the words to the song. Sing them in your head, dushka. Just listen to the music and relax.”
Lily closed her eyes and listened to the song that was playing on the radio. John Legend’s “All of Me” drifted through the room. She let the soft melody invade her mind and began to hum along. Her breathing slowed down as she hummed along to the lyrics. The song itself was soothing, and she started to relax.
Her eyes popped open and she looked at Nikoli in surprise. The panic was still there, but she could breathe. How had he known to do that?
“Do you remember I told you my dad was in the army?” he asked and continued when she nodded. “He has PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. He used to have panic attacks all the time after he came home from his last assignment. It was right before he sent me and Callum to live with our uncle. My mom used to calm him down with music. I thought it might help you too. Is it helping?”
She nodded. It was helping. Her body was still stiff as a board, but her breathing was almost normal. She felt embarrassed too. She’d thought she was getting better, but all it took to send her scurrying away like a coward was a simple touch from Adam. He’d tried to wrap his arms around her, and that was it. Full blown panic mode kicked in, and she’d run.
“Hey, hey, no crying now, Milaya,” Nikoli soothed when he saw the tears falling from her eyes. She wiped them away, but couldn’t stop the tide.
“I’m sorry.” She hiccupped.
“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for?”
“You’ve been working so hard to help me, and it’s not working. I’m sorry you’re wasting your time.”
“Hey, now, dushka, getting you better isn’t something that is going to be accomplished in a week or two, or even in a month. We can take this as slow as you need to. I’m not upset that you had a bad moment. Boy Wonder shouldn’t have just up and grabbed at you. You weren’t expecting it, and that’s why you got scared. That’s going to happen, Lily, but you are getting better. Don’t doubt that.”
“What does dushka mean?” she asked. She always forgot to look it up.
“Nope, Lily Bells, I’m not telling.”
She shook her head and sat up, reaching for the water bottle. She took a cautious sip. Last time this happened, she’d thrown up. She had no desire to puke all over Nikoli’s new furniture, especially after scolding Luther.
“You are not what I expected,” she murmured after a minute.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you are, but you’re different too.” She thought about how to word what she wanted to say. “You’re brash and you have this fuck off attitude, but you’re also kind and patient. I didn’t expect that from you.”
Nikoli watched the confusion consume Lily’s expression and had to admit he was just as confused as she was. Normally, he did have a fuck off attitude and would go on, but not with Lily. Sure, he wanted her in a bad way, but he also had this inane urge to help her, to give her back everything she’d lost. He couldn’t explain it, but Lily mattered to him. In just two weeks, she’d gone from a fuck bet to someone he cared about.
“Don’t say that out loud.” He laughed to cover his own emotions. “I have a reputation to uphold. Now, what do you want for dinner? I’m starving. I’m going to feed you and then take you home.”
“What about the furniture?”
“Don’t worry about it. Luther and I will get the rest of it up later tonight. Now, what do you want to eat?”
“Cuban?” she asked, her voice hesitant.
“Sure. Joe’s always happy to see you come in. You go on and get cleaned up. I’ll deal with everyone outside, okay?”
She nodded and stood up. He watched her until she closed the bathroom door and then headed out to talk to everyone. Damn Adam. Boy Wonder had to always go and fuck everything up. No more.
They all waited outside, grouped around the U-Haul. He went straight for Adam, but Mike blocked his access.
“Take it easy, man. You do him any damage and Lily might not forgive you. She loves the idiot.”
“I’m not going to hit him,” Nikoli promised. Mike didn’t budge. Smart man.
Adam glared at him from angry and belligerent eyes. The man was so jealous he couldn’t see straight. It was a feeling Nikoli himself was becoming accustomed to. “You fucking go near her again, and you won’t walk away from it.”
“She’s my best friend.” The anger rolled off Adam in waves.
“Then why the fuck would you do that?” Nikoli exploded. “You know how she is.”
“I’ve seen you touch her,” Adam said through clenched teeth. “I thought she was okay, that she was better…”
“She’s not better!” Nikoli interrupted. “She only lets me touch her because she trusts me.”
“And she doesn’t trust me?” Adam shouted.
“Obviously not,” Nikoli yelled over Mike’s shoulder.
“Calm the fuck down!” Luther intervened before Adam could say anything. “It was a mistake. Let’s all just calm down and move on.”
Nikoli snapped his mouth shut, his fist needing to hit something, Boy Wonder’s face his first choice. Luther was right, though. As angry as Lily was with Adam, she did love him. He’d been her best friend since she was a little girl. For that reason, he wouldn’t screw his face up.
“Stay the fuck away from her,” he warned, his voice hard. “She needs to heal, and she can’t do that with you acting like a jealous fool.”
“I’m not jealous of you,” Adam denied hotly.
“You’re acting like a jealous ass, Adam,” Mike piped in.
Adam shot him a glare, but kept his mouth shut.
“I’m taking Lily to eat to try and calm her down,” he said and turned to go back inside. “Mike, keep him the hell away from me and from Lily, or I won’t be held responsible for what happens to him.”
He left them with that and went to check on Lily.
***
Joe’s was packed as always, but he managed to squeeze them into a booth near the back. It was a little more private than some of the tables where they’d been seated when they came here, and Lily was grateful. She wasn’t up to having everyone stare at her. The lighting back here was dimmer, so it was a little harder for people to see her splotched face.
She looked around and settled into the booth. The warmth of the place always relaxed her. The warm tones of the wood and the subtle touches of the Cuban culture gave the place a relaxed, fun feel. Joe’s booming voice as he greeted people made her smile. He’d taken one look at her and leveled a baleful expression at Nikoli, who just shook his head and demanded a table.
“Tell me about Joe,” she said softly, watching him move around the restaurant.
“What about him?”
“How do you know him?”
“I eat here,” he said, his eyes not meeting hers.
She gave him a “duh” look. “Yes, but how do you know him?”
He didn’t want to get into this, at least not tonight. It might scare her. Not that he was hardcore into the lifestyle or anything, but she’d had enough of a scare already. “Does it matter?”
“Yes,” she told him. “I remember the first time we were here, the two of you seemed so…territorial almost. It made me curious.”
“Joe took me under his wing when I first came to Boston,” he said after a minute. Lily was going to keep asking, might as well tell her. “He and I share the same kind of needs in the bedroom.”
“Oh my God, you’re bisexual!” She clapped a hand over her mouth, her expression so shocked it would have been funny if she hadn’t been staring at him, a little horrified.
“No. I. Am. Not!” Nikoli spewed the words.
She just stared at him, eyes wide. “It’s fine if you are, Nikoli.”
“Of course it would be fine,” he said, his voice low. “There’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m not into guys.”
“Hmmm…”
“Look, I’m serious, Lily. If anyone wants to make that life choice, that’s their call. My brother Connor is bisexual, so trust me, I’m fine with anyone who makes that choice. It’s just not one I’d make.”
Wow. Lily hadn’t expected that. Or that he’d be so Zen about it either. “That’s cool your family supports his choice.”
“I didn’t say that,” he said, a wry smile decorating his face. “My brothers and I are close, and while all of us may not agree with his choices, we do support it. My parents and my grandparents? They were all raised Catholic, and if they knew about Conner’s choice of partners, they wouldn’t be so happy.”
“I know you said you supported him, but how do you feel about it?” She was curious. He’d sounded so outraged when she’d accused him of being bisexual.
“He’s my brother,” he said after a minute. “I want him to be happy, and it doesn’t matter to me who he’s with, as long as he’s happy. Right now he’s in a relationship with a girl, but who knows, a couple months from now he might be banging some dude. What do I care, as long as my brother is happy?”
Here was another facet to the manwhore she never suspected might exist buried under that fuck you attitude. He just kept surprising her.
The smile that broke across Lily’s face made him stop breathing. Her entire face lit up like an angel shining her grace upon him.
“So back to Joe,” she said, her smile still in place. “Where did you two meet? Here at the restaurant?”
“No, I met him at Bastian’s,” he continued. “It’s a sex club.”
She didn’t looked shocked at that, which irritated him.
“Joe saw that I needed control in sexual situations, but back then, I wasn’t so good at it. I fumbled a lot. Joe took me under his wing and taught me how to have that control and still make sure the woman came out as satisfied as I was.”
“So, what he and you…” She trailed off and wiggled her eyebrows at him.
“No!” he hissed. “I’m not into men. I already told you that. They don’t do a thing for me.”
“So then what did he do exactly?”
“He and I shared women,” Nikoli told her. “He showed me how to control the situation, how to be the person I am in the bedroom today. He showed me how to be dominant and gain submission. Some of the things we’ve seen at Bastian’s…” He shook his head, disgusted. “Neither Joe or I are into pain. I mean some people are, and that’s fine if that is what they need, but I would never hurt a woman. It gives me no pleasure. It’s why Joe decided to help me. He saw that I was struggling with how to be dominant without hurting someone. We’ve been friends since that first night, but we’ve been like brothers for a long time.”
“Ah, here is my beautiful girl,” Joe’s voice interrupted them. “Now, tell me, what has Nikoli done to cause my girl to cry?”
Lily looked up to see the concern and the anger in Joe’s face. She wondered what was going through his head. He seemed so upset she’d been crying. She and Nikoli had been in together several times over the last few weeks, and Joe had taken to calling her his girl. It always rankled Nikoli, and now she was beginning to see why. They’d shared women before. What did that say about his feelings for her? Did he even have any?
“Nikoli didn’t do anything,” she said. “I was upset about something, and he made it better.”
“A soul as beautiful as yours should never have cause to cry,” Joe told her, smiling. A low growl emanated from Nikoli, which he ignored. “Anyone who would hurt you will answer to me.”
“That’s my job, Joe.” Nikoli’s voice came out low, hard, and cold.
“And did whomever did this answer for it?” Joe turned his attention to Nikoli.
“Yes.”
That one simple word satisfied Joe, and his smile returned. “Bueno. Now, I have a special today, something that isn’t on the menu normally. Would you like to try it?”
“What is it?” Nikoli asked suspiciously, which caused Joe to burst out laughing.
“The last time I convinced him to try something, it burnt his mouth so badly, he drank three gallons of water,” Joe explained when he saw Lily staring at them curiously. “He doesn’t trust me now.”
“So what are you wanting us to try?” she asked, smiling at Nikoli’s disgruntled expression.
“Es estofado de carne.”
“Beef stew?” she asked.
“Well, it’s more complicated than a simple beef stew.” Joe winked. “Think beef stew, but Cuban style.”
“Bring it on.” She laughed. “I’m willing to try it.”
“Excelente.” Joe grinned. “I’ll bring you both a bowl of it.”
Nikoli muttered something Lily didn’t quite catch, but it made her laugh, which earned her a glare. She smiled all the more at his exasperated expression. She was feeling more like herself now. Her muscles had relaxed, and she wasn’t ready to run screaming for the door. Nikoli had kept his word too. He hadn’t attempted to touch her in any way. He never lied to her. Maybe that was part of why she trusted him, part of why she never had a panic attack when he touched her. It was weird, and she didn’t really understand it, but as Adam always said, it was what it was.
“So, Luther said you guys were gonna work on the Mach 1 this week. Your race is coming up soon, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s about a month away. It doesn’t need much work, but we want to modify the engine just a little more than it is.”
“Do you want some help?”
Nikoli’s eyes snapped up and he saw her smiling at him. Was she serious?
“You really want to get all dirty and greasy?” he asked.
She laughed. “I’m more comfortable under the hood of a car than anywhere else. My dad taught me, and I just kept learning even after he died. Adam has had enough junkers over the years to keep me on my game.”
Nikoli grinned at the image of Lily under the hood of his car, her ass sticking out for him to admire. He started to get ideas about lessons he could teach her involving his car.
“Love to have you help,” he said with a grin that had her narrowing her eyes. Before she could say anything, Joe brought their food. He set it down with a wink. “I also brought a carafe of cold milk just in case it’s too hot for Niki boy there.”
Lily snickered, and Nikoli gave her a menacing look. His mouth was not meant to be scorched so bad all his taste buds were burned off. “Go ahead. Take a bite, dushka.”
“How many times do I need to tell you not to call me that?” she asked, irritated.
He only nodded toward the bowl of soup. It smelled delicious, but he knew better. He could see the chilis floating in it.
She scooped up a bite and shoved it in her mouth. He watched her for the first signs of the hot chilis assaulting her tongue, but she only closed her eyes as a look of intense pleasure came over her. His eyes widened when she took another spoonful into her mouth and said, “Mmmmm…this is delicious, Joe.”
Nikoli frowned and took a bite of the rich stew himself. It was delicious, but no sooner had he swallowed than the fire ripped through his mouth. He glanced at Lily and saw her taking another bite. She hadn’t touched her drink or her milk. He turned a suspicious look on Joe. Had the man added more chilies to his bowl than he had Lily’s?
“Something wrong, Nikoli?” Lily looked up and watched him curiously.
He shook his head, refusing to admit he couldn’t handle the stew when Lily was scooping the shit up like it was ice cream. His brothers would never let him live it down if they found out about this. Damn Joe and his spicy Cuban food.
Once Joe left, Nikoli took a small sip of the cold milk. Lily picked up her glass of cherry Dr. Pepper. Nikoli had asked Joe to stock it for her, and the man had complied readily. Lily ate here a lot, more than even Nikoli did.
“So now, my little prude,” Nikoli said, deciding to rankle her, “where did you learn to dance like that?”
She wrinkled her nose at him. She hated the word prude as much as she did dushka. If she only knew it meant sweetheart. He suppressed a grin.
“Watching music videos,” she told him. “I spent hours in my room growing up, and I danced and sang along to my favorite bands and singers.”
He could just imagine her dancing around in her room with a hairbrush while she belted out whatever song she listened to. It was definitely something she’d do.
“You’re really good.”
She shrugged. “I’m all right. You’re not eating your food.”
“I’m not really hungry. I wanted to feed you. Food relaxes you.”
“It does not.”
He laughed. “Yes, Lily Bells, it does. Don’t look so horrified. I love watching you eat.” He held up his hand before she could spew whatever was forming on her lips. “It’s not what you think. No fat jokes. You savor food like you do life. It makes you happy, and anyone around you can see it. Here, you can have the rest of mine. You ate every drop of yours.”
She frowned, but didn’t refuse. He figured the girl had a hell of a metabolism. She didn’t eat a lot, she just ate at odd times. She took a bite of his food and her eyes widened. He watched sweat break out across her forehead, and she reached blindly for something to drink. He handed her the milk, and she gulped the entire glass down at once.
“What the hell is in that?” she gasped once she could talk.
“I knew it,” Nikoli growled. “The bastard. He filled mine with extra chilis.”
“Is he trying to kill you?”
“His idea of a joke.” He knew something was off. Joe was nowhere to be seen either. Bastard. “Are you ready to go?”
She nodded and reached over to grab Nikoli’s milk while he got the check. Her mouth was on fire and tears burned her eyes. She’d never eaten anything so hot in her life. When Nikoli stood up, she followed him to his car and tried to think if she had anything to drink in the dorm. She needn’t have worried, though. He stopped at a convenience store and got them both a gallon of milk, saying it took an entire gallon to calm his mouth down the last time Joe pulled that stunt.
When he pulled up to her dorm, he didn’t try to kiss her or even touch her. He’d kept his word all night and had been a true gentleman. Maybe she was more than attracted to Nikoli. Rebekha had made her think about him and her relationship with Adam in an entirely new light. What was she going to do about this man and the things she was starting to feel for him?
She still had no answer three hours later when she finally fell asleep.