Chapter Seven
It had been four weeks since his first therapy session with Dr. Gordon and Travis had worked through some of his abandonment issues and anger toward his mother. Now they would be moving on to discussing the fire. He was not looking forward to this but he had to face it head on if he was to ever have a life. He’d made his choice to see this through. He looked at the bright white walls of Dr. Gordon’s waiting room. Didn’t they know how to use a muted color around here?
Travis thought back to the last several weeks and realized he and Bo had gotten into a routine of sorts. Monday and Thursday—therapy. Monday, Thursday, and Saturday—sleepovers. Travis began to find himself looking forward to it and finding it all the lonelier at his apartment. Johnny, whom he met at the barbeque, had become his friend. He’d seen the raised white scars on Johnny’s hands, and knew all too well the pain he must have suffered. Travis hadn’t asked what happened; he didn’t want to make Johnny relive it if he didn’t want to. But it made him wonder what it would be like if a few people knew about his scars. He already had Bo who knew. How bad would it be?
“Travis. Babe, they’re calling your name,” Bo’s voice brought Travis back to the here and now. He looked at the clock on the wall, and sure enough it was four p.m.
“Mr. Boone,” the receptionist called out.
Travis quickly stood and looked at Bo. “I’m going to tell him about the accident today and a few other things I’ve been holding onto. I don’t know how that will work out. Do you want to come in with me?” If he was going to relive these things he was only doing it once. There wouldn’t be a repeat performance so Bo might as well be involved.
Bo stood and held Travis’s hand. He was still dressed in his uniform. “Yes, of course I’ll come in with you. Whatever you need.”
Travis turned and led the way down the bright yellow hallway and into the fake living room where he typically had his sessions. They sat down on the couch and waited for Dr. Gordon to come in. Travis’s nerves were shot but he knew this was the right path to take. He was one hundred percent positive it was time to get the burden of what happened off of his shoulders and out of his head.
Bo didn’t try to engage him in conversation, for which Travis was thankful. He needed to concentrate on getting it out. Then they could work on the nightmares he continued to have. Even though some nights at Bo’s had passed without one, they hadn’t left Travis completely and he seriously doubted they ever would.
Dr. Gordon walked in, and if he was surprised by Bo’s presence he didn’t let on. “Good afternoon, Travis, Bo.”
“Hi, Dr. Gordon,” Travis said.
“Dr. Gordon,” Bo replied.
“How are you feeling today, Travis?” the doctor asked.
“Nervous, unsure.” Might as well be honest.
“Why are you feeling this way?” Dr. Gordon’s eyebrows creased as he talked.
“Because I have to relive a portion of my life I’d sooner forget.” But never will.
“You know you are safe here. We can work through anything without fear,” Dr. Gordon reassured him.
“Nothing could change the way I feel about you,” Bo stated in a strong, sure voice.
Travis wished he had that kind of confidence, but he wasn’t going to turn back. He needed to do this. He’d lived alone with these memories for far too long.
“I thought I could spit this out all in one shot then we can work on them later,” Travis suggested.
“Whatever way you need it to be, is absolutely fine,” Dr. Gordon gave the therapist answer Travis was used to hearing.
Here we go. “When I was sixteen, my life as I knew it ended, and I lost the one person I knew loved me, my dad. It was just any normal day for me and my dad. We’d gotten home from our soup kitchen deliveries and Dad was on the phone with my mother. She was away on another business trip. I…I heard a hissing sound…right before….” He was hyperventilating. Shit, when did that happen?
“Breathe, Travis. That’s it, take a deep breath for me.” Bo was crouched down in front of him and Dr. Gordon set a glass of water on the coffee table for him. “You don’t have to do this, babe, if you’re not ready.”
“I have to get this out…I HAVE to.” Take a breath. Then another. “The hissing sound happened before the dining room floor exploded.” Travis stopped to sort through his memories and calm himself. Bo took the opportunity to sit down on the couch. “I was standing maybe a foot away from the hole when the fire started. It happened so fast. Before I had a chance to move the floor underneath me gave way. I don’t know how, but I managed to grab the edge of a two-by-four sticking up out of the hole. But my body was still hanging over the hole to the basement directly in the path of the flames. I c-could feel the heat…singeing my clothes, but there was nothing I could do to stop it…the flames burned through my clothing…”
Even now the flames felt real to him. Bo squeezed his hand, giving him his silent support. “I could hear my own skin sizzling. I’d had enough and was about to let go. I couldn’t take it anymore. Then my dad grabbed my hands and dragged me out of the hole. As I was crawling away the floor opened up and my dad was gone. He didn’t even scream. The next thing I knew I was in the back of an ambulance. My mother didn’t arrive at the hospital for two days. She said she had been getting everything prepared for my dad’s funeral.”
“What? She left you in the hospital alone?” Bo asked, his voice higher than normal.
Travis nodded before continuing. “The nurses assured me that my mom was always in contact with the doctors. I didn’t get to go to my dad’s funeral. That hurt more than the physical pain. Later I found out the explosion and fire were caused by a gas leak. For the next four months I was in the hospital and I saw her once a week, at most. When I got out, my mother had moved us into a two-bedroom condo and all my father’s belongings were gone.”
Travis had to stop and take a deep breath. He couldn’t meet their eyes but he needed to finish. “It’s because of me that my dad died. It’s all my fault.” He couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and they streamed down his face. His secret was out. He was guilty of his father’s death.
“Why do you feel it’s your fault?” Dr. Gordon asked.
“If my dad hadn’t had to save me he’d still be alive. My mother couldn’t help but remind me of that fact every day. When I turned eighteen I was given my walking papers. She said she couldn’t stand to live with me anymore after what I’d done. She handed me five hundred dollars and the keys to my dad’s old car.”
“Travis, did you start the fire?” Dr. Gordon questioned softly.
“No.”
“Did you intentionally stand close to the edge of the hole?”
“No, it opened up beside me.”
“Did you force your dad to come over and save you?”
“No, but he’s my dad. Of course he would help me.”
“Exactly. Any decent father would do the same thing for their child. Does that make the child responsible?”
“There’s more.” Travis was choking on the thought and how to get it out quickly before he lost his nerve. No one knew about this; he’d never spoken the words out loud. “I knew about the gas leak and didn’t tell my dad.”
“How did you know about the gas leak?” Travis was thankful Bo was still holding his hand.
“Before we left for the soup kitchen, I heard a small hissing sound when I was downstairs in the rec room.”
“At the time did you know what it was?” Dr. Gordon questioned.
“No. I was sixteen and oblivious. But I intended to tell him when I went upstairs.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Friends of my dad’s stopped by and then we ran out the door because we were late. By then I completely forgot about it. I was… just a stupid kid.”
“It’s not your fault,” Bo said as he gathered Travis close.
Of course Bo wouldn’t see him as guilty, but it still didn’t make it the truth. His dad was dead and he could have stopped it. “I wish I could believe that.”
“We’ll have to work on that, Travis,” Dr. Gordon stated. “Tell me how the events of that evening have impacted your life.”
“What hasn’t it impacted? I can’t sleep without being covered in clothing, I’ve never been intimate with someone before Bo, and I still haven’t taken all my clothes off in front of him. The scars are disgusting and I’m only half a man with half a dick. You already know about the nightmares. Sometimes I’m so tired after a particularly bad night that I’m surprised I can still stand. It’s affected everything. I can’t reach the top shelves of the diner without pulling on the scars and causing myself pain. I’m half a man.”
Travis was exhausted.
He knew he’d never be free of this no matter how long he was in therapy.
*****
Bo held Travis close, his tears soaking into Bo’s uniform shirt. He had been reliving that horrible experience and the overwhelming guilt during sleep, over and over again for ten years. No doubt he was tired. Bo listened to every word as the doctor continued to ask questions. And Bo’s heart broke. It was bad enough that Travis had lost his father, but to be so extensively burned. Then to have the only parent he had left abandon him. Travis had been through hell.
“Do you want to be intimate with Bo?” Dr. Gordon asked.
Bo sat frozen waiting for Travis’s reply. Their relationship wasn’t dependent on his answer but Bo was curious if he saw them heading that way. Bo could wait as long as it took for Travis to become comfortable with that thought.
“Yes. He’s the first one I’m willing to risk having an intimate relationship with. But hell, my attacker didn’t want anything to do with me after he saw my scars.”
“Attacker? How did he see your scars?” Bo wanted to kill this guy.
“Do I really have to answer that? Living on the street isn’t safe,” Travis replied and Bo’s suspicions were confirmed. “Let’s just say he didn’t take what he was after once he saw the whole me. I know it’s insane to even take that into account, considering what he tried to do to me, but there it is. In all its fucked-up glory.”
Bo sat silently, unsure what to say. After everything Travis had been through, what could Bo say? But his anger was through the roof. He wanted to find that asshole and grind him into the ground. No jail, no judge, just him. And that was a dangerous thought for a cop to have.
“Travis, I can’t tell you there’s a quick way to fix this. You’ll always have some effects from the trauma you’ve suffered. But together we can work to make living with it easier so that you can lead a happy and fulfilled life. I know I could try to convince you that your father’s death wasn’t your fault, but at this moment you wouldn’t believe me. Over time we’ll work through that, among other things. You’re doing well so far,” Dr. Gordon assured before leaning forward in his chair.
“I hope you’re right. I want a normal life.” Travis sighed before looking at Bo. “Especially now that I have Bo in it.”
Those words were like a caress to Bo’s heart and the anger he felt slipped away, if only temporarily.
“Then you need to make steps toward that goal. Go at whatever pace feels comfortable to you,” Dr. Gordon explained. “Each step you take brings you closer to the life you say you want. But be careful not to push yourself too hard in an attempt to get where you think you need to go.”
Travis nodded but remained quiet. To Bo he seemed to be deep in thought.
“I think that’s enough for one day. We’ll continue this on Thursday. How is the medication working? Any side effects?”
“I haven’t noticed any and I am sleeping more now than before.”
“Good. Let me know if you have any questions.”
“I will,” Travis said as he stood. Bo did the same before shaking Dr. Gordon’s hand.
They exited the building and shockingly Travis had a smile on his face. Bo didn’t know whether they should talk about what Travis had said or let it rest. But there were a few things he had to make clear.
When they reached the truck, Bo stopped Travis and spun him around. “You are not responsible for your dad’s death and you are definitely not half a man. You’re all man.”
Travis tried to look away but Bo held him gently and waited until he looked back. “I’m trying, Bo, but I think it will be a long time before I accept that.”
“I’ll be happy to remind you anytime you ask. Probably even when you don’t.”
Bo leaned down and Travis clung to him as they kissed deeply. It wasn’t until a horn sounded that Bo pulled away and looked up to see Grady driving by and waving. Bo waved back and smiled. He really liked the new addition to the Brighton force and wondered if Grady and Ben had hit it off. He’d have to remember to ask.
“Let’s go home,” Travis hiccupped as he climbed into the truck. Bo loved the sound of that request. He wanted Travis to consider the house Bo had renovated as a home for Travis as well.
“I’m sorry, and I know this is not the night to have to tell you this, but I have to run back to the station to finish some paperwork. I don’t want to leave you but I won’t be long. Maximum one hour.” Bo felt horrible for leaving Travis and hoped he would agree to stay at the house while he was gone. He hadn’t had time to finish everything he had to do at work before picking Travis up for his appointment. His years on the force and his dedication demanded Bo return to finish the reports.
“If you don’t mind me being in your house alone.”
“Of course I don’t mind. I trust you completely. Please feel free to look around if you’d like. I want you to be comfortable there.”
“Okay, I’ll start dinner,” Travis replied. He looked happier to Bo, like he’d had a great weight lifted off of his shoulders. Which Bo guessed was true.
“The house is stocked up for you, chef.” Bo had been paying more attention when he went grocery shopping. Now he had fixings for dinner and spices he’d never heard of. Travis had given him a list. They’d been enjoying their times cooking together, or rather Travis cooked while Bo tried not to get in the way.
“I’ll surprise you with something new we haven’t tried yet.”
“Perfect,” Bo agreed as he lifted Travis’s hand and kissed his palm. He dug into his duty belt and pulled out a surprise—hopefully a good one. “I’d like you to have this.”
Bo placed it in Travis’s open palm. He looked down and asked, “A key?”
“Yes. When we get home I’ll show you how to disarm the alarm as well.”
“You’re giving me a key to your house?”
“I want you to feel free to come and go as you please. I want you in every aspect of my life, Travis,” Bo stated, not wanting there to be any confusion.
Travis flipped the key around between his fingers and then took Bo out of his misery. “I’ll accept the key to your house but I want to give you one to mine.”
“Deal,” Bo said happily.
Twenty minutes later Bo walked in the front doors of the station house. He settled in behind his desk, unlocked his computer, and clicked open two files. The first was for a fender bender, nothing too complicated there, but the second involved an assault. Even a town as amazing as Brighton had its crimes. He pulled out his notepad where he kept a record of the day’s activities and got to work.
“Hey, Bo,” Grady called out as he sat his big body behind a desk a few seats over. The man was honestly the size of two people but he was a gentle bear. Bo looked up at the clock on his computer screen and realized it had already been forty minutes since he’d left Travis.
“Hey Grady, how’s your evening going?”
“Calm. It’s pretty quiet out there.”
“That’s good,” Bo muttered as he laid his notepad on the desk and hit Save on his report. “So when are you going to tell me what’s going on between you and my brother?”
Grady looked down at his computer keyboard before saying, “We’re friends.”
“Friends, huh?”
A sad look crossed Grady’s face before he answered. “Yep, just friends.”
Before Bo had a chance to ask him another question, Chief Graham walked in carrying a red file folder. “Grady, Bo, our armed and dangerous suspect has struck again over in Marshall. The state police are tracking his movements but have not been able to get close to him. It’s like the bastard disappears into thin air. This time it was a diner but thankfully no one was hurt. He hit it at closing time.”
“Marshall—that’s only a couple counties over.” Bo’s mind began racing with ugly scenarios. That was too close to Brighton. Bo worried about the people of the community, his family and Travis’s safety, particularly since he worked a few late-night shifts at the only diner in town.
“We need to up patrols until this guy is caught. I’ll be adding more shifts but I’ll keep you on the same nights off Bo. This is the sixth armed robbery this guy has committed and they’re no closer to finding him. He must stay on the move because I can’t see him having that many places across the state to hole up in.”
“Let me know which shifts I can pick up or if anything else comes across about this guy. I’m surprised with all the eyewitness reports he still hasn’t been caught,” Bo stated.
“So am I. Hey, why are you even here?” Dave asked. “Shouldn’t you be home with Travis?”
“I had some paperwork to finish up. I’m almost done. Travis is home making dinner.”
“Really. So everything is going well?”
“Yes, and I couldn’t be happier. Travis is amazing. He’s really brought joy and purpose into my life.”
Dave, his boss and best friend, regarded him for a moment before saying, “You do look different. I’m happy for you buddy.”
“Thanks, Dave.”
“Okay, back to work Grady. Bo, finish up and get your ass home, it’s already past six-thirty.”
Grady stood and headed out to his cruiser and Bo finished his entries and put his notes in his drawer before relocking it. Time to go home to Travis. Bo liked the sound of that.
He pulled into the driveway and the first thing he noticed were the windows all lit up. Usually when he came home it was dark and empty inside. That fact alone made a warm feeling spread through his body. Home. The thought of Travis making this his home had Bo three shades of happy. He walked to his front porch and unlocked the door. The aroma hit him the moment he stepped into the hall. The smell of garlic, peppers, and chili powder filled his senses. Chili. He loved chili. He walked in and heard the music playing from the kitchen, dance music. Bo rounded the corner and stopped in his tracks.
There, in the middle of the kitchen was Travis with his back to Bo, swaying his hips to the music. The sight was so captivating he couldn’t look away. There was no doubt he wanted Travis, and moments like this drove that fact home in spades. Travis’s ass bounced in time with the music and Bo groaned out his appreciation.
Travis spun around and dropped the ladle he was holding, splashing red sauce all over the bottom cabinets. “Babe, it’s just me. It’s just me,” Bo said as he lifted his hands in a nonthreatening way.
Bo inched his way forward and then he engulfed Travis in his arms. “I’m so sorry I scared you. I should have made myself known sooner.”
“It’s okay.” Travis’s muffled voice came from Bo’s chest and he quickly loosened his hold. “We’re working on this, right, and maybe in time Dr. Gordon will get me to a place where I don’t startle so easily.”
“I should be more conscious of it,” Bo apologized. “But honestly, I got distracted by your beautiful ass swaying back and forth.”
Travis laughed as Bo had hoped. There had been enough sadness and memories for one day. Travis bent over to retrieve the ladle from the floor and Bo grabbed some paper towels and began cleaning the mess left behind. Once done, Bo looked over Travis’s shoulder at the pot bubbling on the stove. “That is a lot of chili.”
“I made enough so that you had leftovers for when I’m not here,” Travis explained. He’d often said he was worried that Bo had no good food when he wasn’t staying over. Bo had the greatest boyfriend.
“Thank you, babe. I appreciate everything you do for me,” Bo rasped and Travis stretched up for a kiss.
“You’re welcome,” he mumbled while nibbling Bo’s bottom lip.
Bo cupped Travis’s cheek before kissing him again and saying, “You are so important to me. I want you to know that.”
Travis reached up and held Bo tight. “You mean a lot to me, Bo.”
Bo rubbed the side of Travis’s head with his chin. He loved Travis, and knew in that moment that he wanted him to move in. But Bo would have to keep it to himself for the moment until he thought Travis was ready to hear it. The last thing he wanted to do was move too fast and risk losing his love.
“I have to go get out of these clothes. I’ll be right back,” Bo said, releasing Travis.
Travis kissed him quickly and returned to stirring the pot as Bo headed for the bedroom. He secured his duty belt and gun before changing out of his uniform and put on loose-fitting track pants and a t-shirt. He heard plates being placed on the table. He hurried back to the dining room to find Travis waiting for him at the table with bowls full of chili.
It was all so normal and exactly what Bo had dreamed of.