CHAPTER 14
~ Kazar Opens Up ~
The next morning, Callie had insisted upon going back to her guest room at the MC so that she might get some work done on a new batch of vintage clothing she received from a contact back east. Even though her mates, Morrígan, and Blood all agree Callie cannot return to her shop right now, she is determined to do what she can to keep her business afloat… for her baby. Kazar had offered to accompany her, claiming an interest in her work at restoring old clothing. Callie had only smiled because she understands her would-be mate simply wants to make sure the pregnant human doesn’t do too much and endanger her fragile health.
But it didn’t take long for Kazar to realize there is a certain elegant art to Callie’s ability with a needle and thread. He watches in rapt fascination as she deftly restores a couple of damaged sections on an intricately beaded skirt circa late 1800’s bridal gown. Their conversation has been scarce as Callie worked, and Kazar realizes he wants to use this time alone with his female to get to know her better. “How did you learn to do this?”
Callie chuckles. “I thought you knew everything about me, Vampire?”
“Not everything,” he replies with a sheepish grin. “I made every effort to never allow my stalkerish tendencies to become invasive.”
She nods with a small smile upon her lips, and wonders if Kazar realizes just how many times over the years she was aware of his presence on the fringes of her life and in her dreams. Instead of pursuing that subject, she answers his question. “As you know, I grew up in a single parent household. Mom didn’t make a lot of money. Luckily for me, she was a talented seamstress. So, I always had pretty clothes to wear as a child. I learned what I know about sewing from my mother, and through a great deal of trial and error.” She giggles. “And Google, of course.”
“Of course,” Kazar agrees with a playful smirk on his lips. “In this day and age, one would be foolish to not make use of the Mighty Google when seeking how-to advice on almost any subject.”
“Too true.” Callie giggles again, but quickly gets a serious look on her face. “I’ve also spent far too many hours on Google, and many other search engines, looking for information about vampires. Did you know that?”
This nugget of information surprises Kazar greatly. “Why?” He inquires earnestly.
“Because of you, silly.”
“Me?”
“Of course.” She returns her attention to her work with the needle. “I remember every moment of my time in Alexandria… with you. I awoke with the certainty that my memories of our time together were not the product of a brain injury or some coma dream. I knew I had actually travelled back in time and met a real, live vampire. I could recall the heat of the Alexandrian mid-day, the smells of the ancient city, and all those conversations going on around me that I could not understand. I recalled our long talks about my time and your role as a Roman general, even the cool feel of your skin when you touched me.”
She pauses and blurts out; “I can still see you in my memory, that time I stumbled across you feeding upon a willing woman and even after ten years, I feel the same longing to trade places with her.” A heavy blush has colored her cheeks when she looks up from her delicate beadwork to meet her would-be mate’s gaze. “The desire to return to Alexandria… and you, nearly drove me insane,” she confesses before her blush deepens and she returns her attention to the beadwork.
“That’s why I started seeing that counselor. My memories of Alexandria were so real, so vivid, and so damned painful because I could not go back.” Callie shrugs at the admission, but inwardly she’s flinching at the recollection. “The counselor convinced me they were nothing but dreams or trauma induced hallucinations.” Her hands falter over the intricate work and she sets the gown aside to reach for a tissue when her eyes fill with tears.
Once she has wiped her tears and calmed herself enough to speak again, she laughs feebly. “Would you believe me if I blamed that little moment of weakness on pregnancy hormones?”
Kazar, who has been dying to take Callie into his arms since the moment she displayed the first signs of distress, finally gives in to the urge. He scoops her up from her chair and assumes her seat so that he might settle her in his lap. Callie is awed at how easily the lanky but muscular male handles her body. “You don’t need excuses for your feelings, sweet Callie. You are always entitled to feel whatever you feel.”
Callie laughs and rests her head against his collarbone, savoring his scent. The pair sit in companionable silence for several moments before Callie realizes she does not hear Kazar’s heart beating. “You don’t have a heartbeat?” The words are out of her mouth before she can think better of them.
Kazar’s low chuckle does wild things to her lady bits and makes her belly do flip-flops. “No, amica mea. When I was transformed into the monster I have become, my heart stopped beating. My body stopped aging. I am essentially frozen in time.”
“You are not a monster,” Callie insists quietly, her tone clearly brooking no argument.
“Oh, puella, on this matter we must agree to disagree.”
“Later, we will come back to that topic later. But, right now I have questions…If you don’t mind?” She lifts her head from his chest to look into his eyes
“Anything. You can ask me anything, Callie.” His earnest response and caring demeanor practically melt her heart.
“Why do you have fangs but Finn Connor had razor sharp teeth? Aren’t you both the same kind of vampire?” The horrified expression on her face when she mentions her attacker’s name cause Kazar to silently vow to locate and destroy the dimensional jumper turned vampire who attacked his female.
Hiding his inner fury from Callie, he tries to explain. “No one seems to know why, but as the centuries pass for a Stone Cold… for most, beyond a thousand years or so, they grow fangs and do not have to rely on those razor sharp teeth which rip and tear flesh to gain their sustenance. The fangs are easier to feed with and we have more control over the venom in our saliva. We also do not have to feed as often and it becomes easier to control the more bloodthirsty, animalistic urges. Usually.”
Callie wonders about those urges. But Kazar’s tone practically dripped with remorse and guilt at the vague mention of them, so she doesn’t inquire further. Instead, she surprises herself with her boldness. “May I see them?” Callie asks as she reaches up to tenderly stroke his full bottom lip with her fingertips.
“Of course.” Kazar opens his mouth, and drops his feeding fangs for her inspection. He knows in that moment he will always give her anything she wants and is within his power to give her.
Callie is utterly fascinated as she examines the elongated canines curiously. When she gingerly touches them and Kazar doesn’t flinch back from her invasive touch she can’t help but to smile. “This is going to sound crazy, but I think they are rather beautiful. Precise, strong, deadly but striking.” She blushes profusely and drops her hand from his mouth before tucking her face into his chest to hide her embarrassment.
Kazar never wants Callie to feel such awkwardness with him, so he resists the urge to chuckle at her reaction. Instead, he gently caresses her back and thanks her for the compliment.
“I mean, your fangs are beautiful compared to Connor’s vicious teeth.” She shudders at the recollection. Kazar plants a gentle kiss on the top of her head as he continues to tenderly stroke her back reassuringly. “Maybe it’s just that you are beautiful and kind, and not a savage monster like Connor.”
Shame fills Kazar and he whispers; “But, sweet Callie, you have to face facts. While I will never be a threat to you, and I have not even fed directly from a human, other than Nyle, since the advent of bagged blood, I too am a savage monster. Just like Finn Connor. It is hardwired into our very DNA when we are changed into Stone Colds.” He closes his eyes as centuries old memories flood over him. Memories he would rather forget, but he knows he will carry the dark burden of his ancient sins until he meets his final death.
Callie sits up to face Kazar. “I’m not buying that! I just can’t see you doing what he did… to me.” Kazar is sickened, angered, and humiliated by the obvious terror he sees in his female’s eyes.
Sickened and angered on her behalf, but the humiliation he is experiencing is because once upon a time… “Oh, sweet, innocent, Callie. When I was first turned, Nyx took particular delight in having innocent humans brought to her new converts for feeding… and practice.” Callie can hear the pain and bitterness in his tone. “A new Stone Cold must learn control, over time. In the beginning, they must have someone around who is strong enough to prevent them from losing control as they are consumed by savage bloodlust.” He closes his eyes to hide his ancient shame. “I honestly do not know how many humans I slaughtered after my conversion.”
This revelation figuratively knocks Callie on her heels. But she quickly processes his words and realizes the truth Kazar is unable or unwilling to see. “It wasn’t your fault,” she asserts confidently. “A bear, a wolf, or a lion in the wild will kill to eat… to survive. That is all you were doing. You were operating on instinct until your more human mind could reassert itself.”
“But don’t you see, Callie, by your own logic you must concede I am a monster – like a bear, a wolf, or lion. I am a savage killing beast who has killed, many times. It is instinct, my very nature, an integral part of who I am.” He pauses. “I. Am. A. Monster.”
“No.” She shakes her head emphatically. “Instinct for survival does not make you a monster. You rose above the innate drive to survive at all cost.” She reaches up to cup his face tenderly between her hands. “Look at yourself objectively, Kazar! You have become a protector of human kind. You are a man whose heart is filled with love and compassion for others. I’ve seen the evidence of it with my own eyes. Even back in Alexandria all of those centuries ago, I saw you protect that slave girl when those soldiers would have raped and beaten her. You. Are. Not. A. Monster.” With those heartfelt words, she leans in to tenderly kiss his lips.
However, the attraction between them is far too great for the kiss to remain chaste. Soon, they are consuming each other’s mouths with a ravenous hunger born of desperation to complete the mating bond. The natural sexual chemistry between them ignites white hot conflagrations in their blood and causes mating magick to thrum in the very air. Kazar’s desire to claim this female as his own is riding him hard, perhaps even harder than his vampire instincts are driving him to taste her precious blood. Without conscious thought, his hand deftly pushes aside her skirt and slides up the inside of her lean, toned leg to cup her mound possessively. He can feel the dampness of her panties, evidence that she is just as deeply aroused as he is. While he knows he cannot fully claim her for fear of inducing early labor, he can and will give his female some relief from the lust his kisses have induced.
Callie gasps against his lips when his deft fingers tease the gusset of her panties to the side and slip easily against the slick and swollen lips of her labia. With centuries of practice guiding his hands, the ancient vampire finds her swollen clitoris to deftly tease and stimulate the delicate bundle of nerves. “Oh… that feels so good,” Callie moans into his mouth. Kazar, feeling emboldened by her reaction deepens their kiss as he moves his digits lower to easily slip two fingers into her hot, wet, and very greedy channel. He crooks his fingers to tease and stroke that very special spot hidden deep inside every woman’s pussy. In just a matter of a few adept strokes, he pushes her to a surprisingly strong orgasm. The vampire longs to bury his face between her legs and feast upon the essence of her climax as her tight cunt muscles clamp spasmodically around his still thrusting fingers.
When Kazar breaks the kiss because he fears losing control, his eyes are blazing crimson and he is panting as though he just ran a marathon, even though he no longer requires oxygen to survive. “I am a monster, Beautiful. I want nothing more in this second than to lie you on your bed, to fuck you senseless as I feed upon your precious blood.”
Callie’s eyes widen and Kazar cannot, at first, decipher whether from shock or keen interest. “Is that what you do with Nyle? You said you feed from him. Do you do it during sex?” He watches her intently as she asks her questions and then looks away as though embarrassed, although why this embarrasses her when she just came all over his fingers is unfathomable to Kazar.
In very short order, curiosity triumphs over mortification. He has his proof when she licks her lips and looks into his eyes, boldly seeking the answers to her questions. Ah, there is now no doubt in Kazar’s mind. He most certainly heard intrigue in her voice and now sees it in her eyes. He knows she enjoys watching her males kiss and touch each other because her heady arousal perfumes the air every single time. But this, this speaks to a darker curiosity, a more primal drive. Perhaps their female has some hidden depths for her lovers to unearth?
Her body quickly gives away her secrets. Her face and chest are still prettyily flushed from her orgasm, yet her breathing which had calmed, is once again becoming shallow and quick. When the heady aroma of very turned on female fills his nostrils, Kazar has his answer. Shy, reserved Callie has a hidden carnal streak. A streak he, and their lover, fully intend to explore… once the baby is born and Callie is fully recovered.
Kazar chuckles wryly, and takes a moment to gently remove his fingers from her still sopping wet pussy and straighten her panties. He kisses her lips tenderly, chastely, before bringing his hand up to his mouth to savor her essence. Callie watches wholly enthralled as her vampire mate savors the taste of her on his fingers. Callie wishes she were bold enough to lean forward and capture his mouth for a kiss. To share in his savage, primal bliss in this highly charged sexual moment. In fact, she wants to do so much more than that. She has never tasted a man’s penis. Perhaps, he would like it if she offered to suck his cock for him? But before she can gather her courage to offer such a daring thing, Kazar picks that moment to reply to her question.
“As you have probably figured out for yourself, our Nyle needs to top when it comes to sexual interactions.” Callie nods, and her body thrums with excitement when she recalls Nyle’s declaration to Kazar. The thought of Nyle tying up either of them and taking what he wants from their bodies fills Callie with pure primal desire. “While I am not even remotely submissive by nature, I willingly take the bottom position to give Nyle what he needs. But it’s more than that.” Kazar chuckles and shakes his head. “In truth, giving that to Nyle is wholly satisfying to me.” He grins as though recalling some intimate moment with his lover. “That need Nyle has to top is due, in part, to his personality, but mostly it is because of his inner wolf spirit. He is a born Alpha wolf, and Alpha shifters need to dominate, control, and take charge.” Callie nods to indicate she is following along.
“But my inner monster must also come out to assert his control over Nyle at times.” He shakes his head as though shamed by the admission. “In fact, I risk the monster taking over if I ignore the bastard’s need to dominate…” Callie notices Kazar needs to separate his humanity from the darker side of his Stone Cold nature. “…his need to slake his desires, his primordial urge to take what he needs in sex and blood.”
The ancient vampire suddenly smiles at the thought of their other mate. “Nyle loves me enough to willingly submit to my monster, on occasion. In those encounters, I take what I crave in sex and blood. I give over control to the savage monster in my soul, and Nyle endures it, for me.” Callie struggles to ignore the twinge of… What exactly is she feeling? Jealousy? Lust? Disgust? No, none of those words adequately describe her reaction to the thought of Kazar savagely fucking and feeding upon Nyle to soothe his “inner monster”. Whatever the emotion, it makes her feel uncomfortable and she pushes it away.
The pair falls silent as they are lost in their own thoughts. After several quiet minutes of just holding Callie, Kazar finally has to ask the question that has been torturing him ever since he learned of Callie being attacked by a vampire. “Does the idea of being near me, as a woman with a man, frighten you?” Even though she is instantly shaking her head in denial he swallows as though choking on some unbearable misery. “Are you not afraid I will savage you as Connor did?”
Again, she pulls away from Kazar’s chest to look into his eyes. “Never!” is Callie’s vehement reply. “I know you are nothing like Finn Connor. Nothing!”
Kazar shakes his head sadly. “We are more alike than I care to face, sweet Callie.” He closes his eyes. “Those early… kills… I did things to those humans. Men and women alike…”
“Enough!” Callie barks out commandingly. Kazar’s dark eyes fly open in shock at the authority in her tone. “We’ve covered that already. Instinct, remember?” She shakes her head. “Kazar, let it go. Stop torturing yourself for doing things you did not have the power to control.” She reaches up to brush the hair away from the scarred side of his face while gazing into his eyes. “Enough, okay?”
When Kazar finally nods, she continues. She feels a driving need to make her point, to reshape his thinking… somehow. “Morna told me about Luca’s conversion… uh… if she had not been there… if she had not been such a powerful warrior and Spell Weaver, Luca would have rampaged to slake his bloodlust and carnal urges.” She smiles into his tortured gaze. “You did not have a Morna at your side. You faced that hell on your own, with what Morrígan calls the Queen Bitch of Evil urging you on to commit such violent atrocities.” Her back is ramrod stiff and unquenchable rage flares in her gaze when she says; “I have my memories of my death as Fagr MacSweeney. Remember? I’ve actually met Nyx. She is truly the embodiment and personification of evil. The blame for those deaths, and thousands of others, falls squarely on Nyx’s shoulders.” Her tone is firm and unyielding, and yet her expression maintains her compassion.
Callie smiles gently in an effort to reassure Kazar. “After all, it is because of her that Stone Cold vampires even exist. It was because of her that you were changed, against your will I might add. It was because of Nyx that you did not learn to control your need for blood and…well, you know.” She cannot bring herself to call it sex because she knows from experience that what happens in a situation like that is not sex. It is a violent attack. A violation.
Kazar shakes his head in wonder before leaning forward to sweetly brush his lips across Callie’s. When he pulls back she can see a tear roll down his cheek. “How can you stand to look at me after what one of my kind did to you?”
“Because it was not you, Kazar. You would never, not while in your right mind, do such a thing. To anyone, but most especially not to me.” Her obvious confidence in his character astounds him and he is filled with awe at her ability to forgive what he is. “I won’t lie and say I am not really messed up by what he did to me, because I am. I suspect I will deal with the fall out of that night for the rest of my life. But being subjected to that kind of violence would leave a mark on… anyone.”
When Kazar nods his agreement, she smiles tremulously. “But that doesn’t mean I will let that violation define me or ruin me.” She reaches up and again touches the scars on his face. The compassion he sees in her eyes surprises him, but not as much as her next words. “Just as I can’t let that attack define and control me, I have to say that you cannot allow what Nyx did to you when she changed you, and the things she did in the Nihility, to rob you of your sense of self.”
Kazar feels as though he has swallowed hot coals and they are trying to come back up and spew all over the room. The overwhelming shame, rage, and agony that the memories of his time at Nyx’s mercy evoke in his soul make him want to run away. But he knows he cannot, no he will not, behave so cravenly in the face of Callie’s amazing courage. Instead, he swallows down the emotional bile and nods.
A faint smile curls her lovely lips, but the true reflection of her satisfaction over his agreement shines in her eyes. “Good. Now, my Kazar, if you want… uh… I’m here…” she falters and leans in to tenderly kiss the scars on the side of his handsome face. With her warm breath and soft lips brushing against the shameful mutilations of his countenance, she whispers; “Tell me about it. Let me in. Allow me to share the burden you are carrying. Please, my beloved Kazar. Please, let me in.”
Kazar’s lithe form goes rigid beneath Callie and he remains silent for so long that she fears she has overstepped. ‘Oh man, have I pushed too far?’ is her panicked thought just a moment before she opens her mouth to retract her request. And then, Kazar begins speaking of his time in the Nihility. The pair spend several hours talking quietly, sharing past hurts and wiping each other’s tears. Once the talking is done, the would-be mates fall asleep in each other’s arms and that is where Nyle finds them later that evening.