Chapter Ten
Doe
I felt like I was walking around wearing Kevlar to protect myself from the parents who genuinely didn’t give a shit about me, and from the questions that sat on my brain unanswered like a fucking aneurism about to burst, and from Tanner. Who, when looking back, I felt shitty about how we left things. I truly felt like he could be a good friend. But instead of being sympathetic to what he was feeling, I threw it in his face and yelled at him.
I was alone.
Utterly fucking alone and for some reason that made me spitting fucking mad. I was either a raging bitch or so numb to everything I was practically a mute.
And I’d pushed Tanner away.
Which in turn meant I’d pushed Sammy away.
And that was the opposite of what I wanted.
I’d been just about to go see Tanner, but going to him and forcing him to talk to me before he was ready might be like kicking him while he’s down. So I decided to wait for him to come talk to me when he was ready.
If he was ever ready.
At least with the arrival of the specialist I had a temporary distraction to occupy some of my time.
The specialist had showed up and grilled me for an hour. Dr. Royster, a man old enough to be my grandfather’s grandfather, didn’t ask me anything about how I was feeling. He’d cut right to the chase and asked me what I remembered. I told him about Nikki. “No two brain injuries are alike.” Dr. Royster had said. “Especially those that affect memory.” In the end, he told me that I should seek help from someone who knew me. Someone I’d spent the most time with who could walk me through my life and hopefully evoke some sort of mental exorcism.
After the specialist left I found Nadine in the kitchen. “How did it go?” she asked, spraying cleaner onto the countertops and wiping it off with a rag.
“Basically, if he were giving me my chances to live, I’ve got a 50/50,” I said, taking a seat on one of the barstools. The cleaner smelt like a nauseating combination of vinegar and bleach. “He also wants me to have someone walk me through my life. Places I went, things I liked.” I leaned forward and bit my bottom lip, “What do you say?”
Nadine smiled. “Baby girl, I’d love to help you, but I don’t think walking you through how I make breakfast and watching me fold laundry is really what he had in mind. If you want to talk to the person who knew you best, you would need to talk to…” She paused and folded the rag, placing it over the faucet of the sink, setting her hands flat on the counter. She looked out the window like she was reflecting on something.
“Nikki?” I offered.
“Who told you about her?” Nadine asked, refocusing on me.
I shrugged. “I think my mother mentioned something about her being my best friend and a bad influence.”
“She was much more than that,” Nadine said. “She was like a sister to you. The two of you did everything together.”
“Including run away?” I asked. “Right?”
Nadine looked away thoughtfully and turned back to me. “Gone after her? Maybe. But never run away. You wouldn’t leave Samuel and Tanner. You wouldn’t leave me. That I know.” She tapped me on the tip of the nose. “Tanner, he’s the guy you want to talk to. Besides Nikki, you two were tighter than the lid on a jar of pickles.”
“I might have messed that up. He came to talk to me and he got mad. Instead of being understanding, I kind of yelled at him.” Nadine shook her head and offered a small smile.
“Girl, there ain’t nothing that boy wouldn’t forgive you for. Go find him. I’m sure he’ll help.” Nadine shooed me off the barstool. “Now get girl, I gotta mop these floors. Whoever decided that dark wood was a good look was the devil himself ’cause I’m having a hell of a time trying to keep them clean.”
Tanner only lived a block or two over. Nadine pointed me in the right direction. But just like I knew where the boat house was, my feet knew the way to Tanner’s.
A large woman with chubby cheeks and bright red lipstick answered the door and informed me that I’d just missed Tanner.
Feeling defeated, I made my way back to the house, but I wasn’t ready to go back inside. I made my way out back to the abandoned houseboat. I carried my shoes as my feet sunk into the soft sand. I’d just rounded the mangroves when I spotted Tanner, sitting on the edge of the pier with his feet hanging off the edge of the dock. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and blue basketball shorts. He appeared to be lost in concentration, focusing on his flip-flops that dangled off of his toes.
“Hey,” I said as I approached him. “Where’s Sammy?”
He looked up and shielded his eyes from the sun. “Hey. He’s with my parents at the club. Grandparent/grandkid square dance.” He laughed, but it fell flat, his smile never reaching his eyes.
“This seat taken?” I asked.
“All yours,” Tanner said, softly, scooting to the side to make room for me.
I sat down next to him and looked off over the water, unsure of what to say, nervously fidgeting with my hands in my lap. Thankfully, Tanner spoke first. “This was kind of our place, you know. We spent hours here fishing off the back of the boat or watching the storms roll through. When your dad told you it was a safety hazard and wanted to have it hauled away, you cried for a week.”
“He doesn’t seem like the kind of person who wouldn’t do something just because it upset me.”
“Oh, he’s not.” Tanner agreed.
“Then why is it still here?”
Tanner smiled. “The senator doesn’t see emotion, he see’s reason, and more than that, he sees legalities.” He laughed and his bright brown eyes lit up. “I wish you could remember the look on his face when you handed him the survey you printed out online. When you pointed out that the houseboat wasn’t on his property, so technically wasn’t his to remove, I thought he was going to pass out. Then when you informed him that you’d filed documents to declare it a historical landmark…I think it was the only time I’d ever seen him actually laugh. He looked almost…proud.”
“So the houseboat stayed,” I said.
“Yeah, he had the walls reinforced with steel piping so it wouldn’t fall down around us, but it stayed.” He turned to face me lifting his foot up onto the dock, resting his chin on his knee. “Because of you.”
“Then I guess he can’t be all bad.”
Although I’d yet to see it.
“Listen,” I started. “I wanted to say that I’m—”
“No, Ray. I’m the one who’s sorry. I yelled at you.” Tanner shook his head. “I’ve never yelled at you before. I was so mad at myself when I left your house. I should have been sympathetic. You needed a friend and instead I unloaded all my bullshit on you.”
“No, I’m sorry. This has to be difficult on you. My attitude and being so defensive hasn’t been helping any.”
“Well, then I guess it’s settled,” Tanner said. “We’re both sorry.”
“That we are,” I admitted.
“So where should we go first?” Tanner asked, standing up from the dock and reaching out a hand.
“Huh?”
“I came to see you and ran into Nadine, she said you need a memory exorcist.” He pointed at himself with his thumbs. “I’m your guy.”
“You don’t have to do this.” I took his hand and he helped me up. Now it was my turn to shield my eyes from the sun as I looked up at him.
“I know exactly where we should go first,” he said. When I started to pull away he looked down at where his hand still held mine. “Sorry,” he said, letting go. “I can’t promise things like that won’t keep happening. It really is just a habit. But I promise I’ll be more understanding when you pull away.”
“Maybe this isn’t—” I started.
“Dress comfortably. Meet you out front in twenty minutes!” Tanner said, turning and jogging back down the dock. I didn’t feel threatened by Tanner’s affections. In fact, a part of me liked it when he grabbed my hand. Not because I liked him that way, but because it felt nice to know that while I was gone and worried that no one had missed me, that I didn’t have anyone who cared, that Tanner was here all along, missing me.
With our son.