Chapter Eighteen
Doe
I’d thrown up three times since that morning and was still queasy, threatening to expel whatever contents remained in my stomach, if any. I had no doubt that what I was experiencing was a full body rejection of my current circumstances.
The party, or fundraiser, was being held in the Tanner family’s backyard, and it was the last place I wanted to be.
The senator was in his element, shaking hands and recalling the names and occupations of each and every guest at the party as if he were a best friends to every person in attendance. The Olympic-sized pool had been covered with plexiglass to create the illusion of walking on water.
How appropriate, I thought as I saw my father cross over the pool.
My mother held court by the bar with several women wearing varying shades of the same style sundress and the same chunky jewelry and French twist hairstyle. They weren’t doing half as good of a job pretending to be sober as she was. And as my father was, acting every bit the practiced and perfected politician. I was learning that my mother was every bit as equally practiced in the art of public intoxication.
My ninth birthday. My mother stumbling into the backyard wearing a low-cut tight blue dress and gold heels. She has a glass of wine in one hand and knocks over a table full of my birthday gifts in front of my friends from school. Nadine cuts my cake and my mother tells everyone that we shouldn’t eat cake at all because it is high in calories and will make our asses fat and men don’t like fat asses. Her wine sloshes over her glass and the magician Nadine hired has to grab her by the elbow to save her from crashing into the pool when her heel catches on the pavement.
Miraculously, she manages to catch her falling wine glass. “I saved it!” she shouts, holding it up to our little group like it’s a trophy. “Totally saved it,” she says again, before walking back into the house without another word.
I guess she wasn’t always that good.
It was too hot for the white cardigan I was wearing, but I was playing by my fathers rules tonight which meant covering up any signs that I wasn’t the picture perfect daughter of the picture perfect senator. Several people came up to me to welcome me home and shake my hand. I smiled politely and asked them how their summer was and what their plans were for the fall. The senator had told me a secret of his, which was when you don’t remember the person, name or face, ask them about themselves.
“Ramie! So good to see you!” A short plump man wearing an off white linen suit stepped into my line of view. He grabbed a glass of champagne off the tray of a passing waiter and handed it to me. “How was Paris?” he asked.
“Parisian?” I said. His laugh came out in one big burst, like a shot through a cannon.
“I see you gained a sense of humor in France. Hard to do. The French aren’t exactly known for their humor,” he said. “Are you still considering art school? Francine said your drawings are quite impressive. How long has it been since you’ve seen her?”
Crap.
My father came over and stood by my side. With a smile still on his face he waved to the passers-by who called out greetings and returned them with his own. With a stealth-like move, he took the champagne glass out of my hand and held it in his, like the drink was his own.
Shit. Drinking age. Not allowed. I mentally chastised myself. “George, my friend, how have you been? Ramie was just saying how she and Francine needed to catch up. And art school is so far away in Rhode Island. I think now that she has a family of her own, she’ll be sticking close to home.”
“Ah, then you will be joining your father on the campaign trail?” he asked me.
“We haven’t really talked about it yet,” I answered as sweetly as I could manage.
“Well, I think you should consider it. Seeing this man behind a podium is a wondrous thing to behold,” George said, holding up his glass to my father.
“Ah, you are too kind George. Let’s have lunch this week, if you’re up for it.”
“Always am,” George said. “Ah, I see Nathan over there. He owes me twenty pounds of stone crab claws for losing our bet on the Rays game. Oops…” He said covering his mouth. “I shouldn’t tell our future president about my betting habits should I?”
“I’m a politician George, not the police. And Nathan’s stone crabs are the best, so I can’t fault you for that wager.”
“I look forward to hearing you speak,” George said. “Lovely to see you again, Ramie. I will tell Francine to give you a call.”
“That would be great,” I said. When George was out of earshot, my father, with his smile still plastered on his face, leaned in so only I could hear him.
“Champagne?” he asked through his teeth.
“He handed it to me. I wasn’t thinking,” I said apologetically. “I’m trying here, so cut me some slack. I did what you asked of me. Besides, I have a kid and technically a husband, and I can’t have a glass of champagne? Maybe you need to add that to your political platform.”
“Yeah, and then I’ll make sure to go ahead and legalize prostitution and call the cartels to see if maybe they want to set up some coke shops. Like a 7-11 for illegal drugs.”
“Holy shit. If you weren’t such a prick, you’d actually be kind of funny,” I said. A loud cackling ripped through the air and the senator’s eyes darted over to where my mother and the other women, who looked like stepford wives and drank like members of the Beach Bastards, were reaching their limits. “And if you’re really dead set on the booze thing, maybe you should think about reinstating prohibition.”
“Noted,” he said, making his way over to my mother. I watched as he used the same technique to take away her drink as he did with me. My mother shot him a glare when no one else was looking, and at one point, pinched his arm behind his back far enough to where I saw him visibly wince.
One thing was for sure, this life was turning me into a raging bitch.
“Champagne, ma’am?” A familiar voice asked from behind me. I turned around and found myself eye level with a black dress shirt and a school bus yellow bow tie with pink stripes. I looked to the tray he was holding and I could’ve sworn that I saw colorful tattoos peeking out on the upturned wrist holding the tray of champagne flutes.
I sucked in a breath.
Preppy?
My hands trembled.
Just as I was about to look up at the waiters face the screeching feedback from the microphone came blaring over the speakers. I covered my ears and turned around to where my father had made his way up to the makeshift stage set up on the side of Tanner’s pool house.
The senator was tapping on the microphone and gesturing for someone off stage to come make the adjustment when I spun back around to the waiter, but he was already gone. And when I looked around for him I found several of the same dark shirts and yellow bow ties, all holding trays with the same champagne flutes, fizzing with pink bubbles.
I’m seeing things. Mind and body are both now rejecting my farce of a life.
“Mommy!” a little voice broke through the crowd. Sammy came crashing against my leg. I smiled and lifted him up and set him on my hip in a move that felt natural to me. Nadine, who had been chasing him around the party-goers, appeared next to me, out of breath.
“Your little one is getting fast,” she said, with her hands on her knees. “Don’t let those little legs fool ya. He can really move! Either that, or I’m out of shape. Could be both,” she huffed. Nadine had traded her usual Polo and khakis for a button down black dress shirt and black pants. Instead of her orthopedic black sneakers, she was wearing a pair of rounded-toe, shiny black ballet flats.
“You look great, Nadine,” I said. She returned the compliment with a roll of her eyes.
“I’m just glad I wore black,” she said, fanning herself. “Because I’m sweating like we’re standing in the middle of Hades with the devil himself.”
I thought King was the devil. But I was sure that I was in hell and he was nowhere to be found. I looked up at the stage. And I was pretty sure that the devil voted republican and wore Hugo Boss.
“Mommy, Nay-neene couldn’t catch me!” Sammy exclaimed. “I fast! I fast like this!” he said, holding up the red Matchbox Corvette he held in his hands and flying it around in the air.
“Oh yeah? Are you being good for Miss Nadine?” I asked him, ruffling up his perfectly combed hair, his natural curls springing to life, his little giggle exposing his bottom row of adorably super tiny teeth.
“Nope,” he said, still looking at his car. His natural curls sprang to life. “There, that’s better,” I said, smushing my nose against his. I was too busy interacting with Sammy when Nadine cleared her throat. When I looked up I noticed that a lot of the crowd had stopped doing what they were doing and were watching me interact with my son.
My father was back on the microphone, sans interference, and the crowd turned from me to him. My mother stood obediently off to his left, next to the long American flag. He started his speech by welcoming the crowd to the event and mentioning the charities that would be benefiting from the silent auction and donations they received during the evening. “What did I miss?” Tanner said, pushing through the crowd to stand next to me and Samuel. “Hey kiddo! High five!” Samuel lifted his palm up and Tanner pressed a high five to his hand. “All right buddy, you’re getting good at that.”
“Not much. He just started,” I said.
The senator paused and looked out over the crowd. He took the cards from the podium and placed them into the pocket of his dress shirt. “I had all these notes prepared. I wanted to talk with you about the agenda of the campaign and about what we hope to achieve over the next few months. But I can’t do that right now.” The crowd murmured in confusion and a few shouted the “Why not?” the senator was obviously fishing for.
“I’ve made no secret that family, and traditional American, and Christian values are one of the most important things to me to withhold during this campaign.” The crowd applauded and he held up his hand to silence them. “But as you know, family isn’t always predictable. It isn’t something you can control,” he said. “As you all know by now, either through rumor or from reading it in the paper recently, a few years ago, I became a grandfather.”
It was the first time I heard him reference Sammy as anything other than my son. Grandfather wasn’t exactly the title I would have given him either.
“My daughter, Ramie, and her boyfriend, Tanner, made a decision to enter into a relationship they weren’t ready for at the tender age of fifteen. I’m not excusing their actions nor their behavior but what some of you don’t know is that Tanner was sick….”
“Oh my God, he’s telling them everything,” I said, covering my mouth in shock. Tanner grabbed my hand and held it in his.
“I’m not surprised,” he muttered. “Did you really think he was just going to let them think we were two horny teenagers who had sex under his roof? Too much blame in that. He’s going to blame my illness now. This is an art form to him. More so than your sketches are to you. He’s creating emotion, opinions. He’s telling them what they need to think without coming right out and saying it. It’s kind of beautiful if you think about it.”
“You don’t sound embarrassed,” I said. “You sound impressed.”
“I’m not embarrassed. He’s telling the truth. It’s us. Nothing about us would ever bother me, Ray. Besides, it’s probably the most honest thing he’s said all day,” Tanner said, staring at the stage with an interest that made me uncomfortable.
“We thought we were going to lose him,” the senator continued. My mother reached out for a handkerchief that one of the guards handed her and dabbed at the corner of her eyes.
“Nice touch, mother,” I whispered.
“The doctors all said the same thing…that there was no hope for him. They told his parents, Chuck and Ranae to make their final arrangements.” The senator sought them out in the crowd and nodded toward them. “Nice to see you two here,” he said with a smile when he found them. “We were all preparing for the death of my daughter’s best friend.” The crowd gasped. He had them eating out of the palm of his hand, and they were jumping up to eat every morsel he was throwing at them. “It was a strange thing to be thinking about, especially since Margot and I, and I know Tanner’s parents as well, always thought that our two crazy kids would grow up to get married and have a family of their own.” The senator’s eyes went misty. He should win an Emmy. My mother walked up to him and dabbed at his eyes with her handkerchief. No, these two should win an Oscar. “Sorry about that,” he said sniffling. He paused for a moment before looking out into the crowd. “It’s funny how God works. You never know what his plan is going to be. Chuck and Ranae had given up the hope of ever becoming grandparents. Our hearts ached for our daughter and the future that was no longer a possibility for her. On the day that Tanner received the news that his time here on God’s great creation of a planet was coming to an end, my daughter and Tanner made a decision that I don’t agree with, that I don’t support. But in many ways, I see it now as part of the bigger picture; God’s great plan that we as his followers don’t ever have any hope in understanding. That decision resulted in my daughter and Tanner coming to me and my wife in my home office. They informed me that she was pregnant, and I openly wept. My own daughter. The daughter who I raised to clearly understand the values which the Price Family stood for—and believed in—had come to me and told me that she disobeyed my rules and God’s law.
It wasn’t until later that night that I woke from a restless night of sleep and it dawned on me. This is God’s plan. This was his way of providing Chuck and Ranae with the grandchild they’d given up on having and it gave me new cause. And this cause was to reach out to every specialist and doctor in this great country, and even the world, to see if I could save my daughter’s hope for a future, a family, of her own.”
Half the crowd was in tears and Tanner leaned into my neck. “This all sounds so much better than ‘my daughter had pity sex with her sick boyfriend and they didn’t use a condom.’” My father’s head snapped up and he shot us a look that I knew was meant for me, as if he’d heard Tanner’s remark although it was impossible.
“With the help of Dr. Reynolds, in Tennessee, we were able to bring Tanner back from the brink.” The crowd started to applaud and again the senator held up his hand. “I am now proud to say that Tanner has been in full remission from his leukemia and continues to show no signs of the cancer that almost took him from us.” This time he lets the crowd clap. “Come on up here, you two. Bring Samuel.” A hundred pairs of eyes turned to us and we had no choice but to make our way to the stage. Samuel clapped along with the crowd and laughed. I would have given anything to be shrouded in the same beautiful ignorant bliss.
We stood next to my mother who made a show of taking Samuel from my hands and putting him on her hip just as I had him. She turned to the crowd and waved and Samuel mimicked her which just made them grow more wild. “Now I haven’t told you the best part,” the senator said, motioning for the crowd to quiet down. He was the maestro and they were his orchestra, playing to every one of his gestures. This was the grand finale, because I knew what was coming, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “This morning, in a small ceremony, surrounded by only family and their son, my daughter and Tanner Redmond were married.” The applause from only a crowd of a hundred or so people, was deafening. The senator shouted into the microphone above the crowd. “So, I would like to take this time to introduce you to the new Mr. & Mrs. Redmond and their beautiful son, my grandson, Samuel. May God bless your union.” He came over to me and cupped my face in his palms pulling me in for a hug that made my stomach turn.
“You bastard,” I said. “This wasn’t supposed to a public display or a political tool.” I was surprised, although I knew I shouldn’t have been. The senator cared about the campaign first, campaign funding second, and campaign supporters third.
“It’s all a political tool. All of it,” the senator said. “You. Me. Tanner. Samuel. Your mother. It’s all for the greater good.” I honestly think he believed that crap. He released me and pulled Tanner into a hug of his own. Unlike the scowl I was wearing, Tanner was smiling from ear to ear and genuinely looked like he was enjoying himself, accepting the congratulations as if the marriage were real.
I’m so fucking stupid.
Suddenly I was so angry I couldn’t breathe. I was angry at myself, at the senator, at King for leaving me, at Tanner for no reasonable explanation.
My hands shook as I saw red.
The senator waved to the crowd. Nadine came to the stage and took Sammy who was wiggling in my mother’s unfamiliar arms and motioned to me that she was going to take him back to the house. I nodded. Nadine had a great sense of when shit was about to hit the fan and I was glad for it.
Because shit was about to hit the fan.
I stepped up in between where my father and Tanner were waving to the crowd and I added a wave of my own. The senator looked at me suspiciously and Tanner was still smiling like he’d just won the lottery and was accepting his giant check. “It’s hot out here, isn’t it?” I said, leaning toward my father who furrowed his brow and then corrected himself when he realized he made a negative facial expression in public.
“It’s Florida, during the summer. It’s always hot,” Tanner said before his eyes went wide and the realization set in. “Don’t,” he warned, but I didn’t listen.
“If you want to put me on display, you are going to have to put all of me on display.” I made a show of fanning myself and then I unbuttoned my cardigan and took it off. My father didn’t find anything unusual about me taking off my cardigan. He was right. It was Florida, during the summer. It was hot. But he didn’t know what was underneath the cardigan. He’d yet to see it. I held my sweater in my hands and heard a gasp from behind me that I assumed came from my mother.
“Don’t,” Tanner repeated, and this time he sounded angry. I spotted a chair and turned to my father. “Can I rest my sweater on that?” I asked him.
“What are you up to, Ramie?” he asked, looking worried.
“Nothing at all, daddy,” I said. I turned my back to the crowd and bent over to place my cardigan on the chair.
The tattoo King had given me was on full display for the crowd.
There was nothing anyone could do. My father could rush to cover me up but that would make it look like he didn’t approve. He could address it, but that would make it worse. I turned and shot them both a look that told them that I was not one to be fucked with. With one last wave to the crowd, who was now gossiping amongst themselves in loud whispers like a pack of rabid mean girls, I left the stage.
I walked along the property line to the back of the house, not wanting to deal with any of the party-goers that might have been lingering on the walkway from the back patio to the house.
“What the heck was that?” Tanner asked, jogging to catch up to me as I passed the treehouse oak. “What was that, Ray?” he repeated.
I stopped and turned around to face him. “That was me not being stepped on! You said I could have time. The look on your face in front of those people said you already think this is real. But it’s not real Tanner. Not to me. I’m not ready. And I may have loved you once, actually I know I loved you once, but I don’t even know if it was romantic love. I love that you are kind to our son and I respect the hell out of you for everything you’ve been through, and I hate that I’ve hurt you. But I don’t want to be with you like that right now. Not when my heart still belongs elsewhere.”
“What do you expect from me, Ray? To be sorry that I’m happy to be your husband? Because I’m not. I’m not sorry I married you, whatever the reason. You are the love of my life for Christ’s sake! Always have been. We were always meant to be together. So, of course I jumped at the chance to announce it to the world, because it was always meant to happen.” Tanner’s eyes softened and he took a step toward me, folding his hand around my wrist.
“No, Tanner,” I said, pulling out of his reach. “Don’t.”
Tanner ignored me and reached around my neck to pull me toward him. He softly pressed his lips against mine, and I just stood there and let it happen. His lips were soft and warm, his breath cool against my skin. I imagined that Tanner really was the one who I wanted, but instead of recalling feelings for him, King’s angry face kept flashing in my mind. Tanner opened his mouth and I reluctantly followed his lead, his tongue dancing on mine. In a way I wished for the memories to come flooding back. For me to feel what it was he wanted me to feel. But as we continued to kiss and his hands slid from my neck to my waist, the only thing I felt…was wrong. Beyond wrong.
I pushed against his chest, but he moaned in to my mouth and held me tighter. I tried again and when he didn’t budge I bit down. Instantly he reeled back, holding his hand against his bloodied bottom lip. “You are ruining everything I thought I felt about you. Don’t make a mess of what I do remember about us.”
“I’m the one making a mess of this?” he laughed. “You ruined everything when you went after Nikki. You couldn’t just let her go. I told you a hundred times not to get mixed up in her mess of a life but no, you had to let her drag you down with her. You put her above your family by going after her, by getting hurt, by going away. You are the one who ruined us that night. Not me. I’m trying to save us while you’re hell bent on destroying us! So fuck you, Ray! You broke my heart when you left. You smashed it to pieces when you came back. And I don’t know who you think you are, but you aren’t the Ray I knew. And this person I see before me? I kind of fucking hate her right now,” Tanner said. He turned and stormed off into the darkness.
I opened my mouth to call after him but I didn’t know what else I could say. He was hurt and I’d done the hurting. I’d nothing but make one stupid decision after another since I’d been there. It was stupid of me to flaunt the tattoo. I’d acted out of anger. But that didn’t give him the right to treat me like I was a commodity that could be bought or traded…or married.
Although that was exactly what I was.