The most devastating emotion was grief.
All-consuming.
Suffocating.
A horrible, monster of an emotion that embedded its very poison into a person’s soul, and didn’t let go. Instead of eventually freeing its victim from the never-ending torment, to allow them to step back and breathe, the grief continued to spread and infect like a disease.
There was no healing. There was supposed to be. The stages of grief were eventually supposed to move on to a point where a person could go forward, away from the constant struggle, and begin to heal.
Cara Rossi had yet to find that stage.
She didn’t think she would ever reach it.
Her grief had gone far beyond the instant devastation, and straight into a hellish non-existence where no one could possible understand how bereft she was, left in her little world.
There were those people who believed that when a person lost someone they loved, a piece of their soul went with them. Cara wasn’t sure how she was supposed to take that statement every time someone offered their well-intentioned, yet incredibly hurtful, advice.
She hadn’t just lost someone she loved.
Her best friend. The identical face she stared at for everyday of her life since birth. Someone she hadn’t spent more than a few hours away from at a time for two and a half decades.
It wasn’t a piece of her that was missing. It was an entire half ripped away. Twenty-five years together and then … gone.
Her identical twin was dead.
Just like that.
But, it’s been four months, Cara. And, look at the beautiful day outside, sweetheart. More of, she would want you to smile, and to be happy. A few, can’t you try a little more?
Four months was a long time to be missing something so incredibly important to Cara’s everyday life. It was a long time to be walking around out of control of her emotions, incomplete, alone, and lost.
She had a hard time closing her eyes.
She could see that day.
Perfectly.
Clearly.
Painfully.
When gun fire rang out …
When white marble steps turned red with blood …
When her twin died.
How was Cara ever supposed to move on, when every time she closed her eyes, she was standing back on the steps of that mansion, staring at her sister’s blood on her hands, and listening to Lea gasp for help?
She couldn’t.
She never would.
“You could always come back to Chicago,” Tommas said, posing the suggestion quietly. “I could get you a ticket tonight, Cara.”
Cara rubbed at the tension headache beginning to form at the base of her skull, and focused on the words her older brother was saying over the phone. She wasn’t sure how to answer without hurting his feelings. The siblings had already been separated by countries for years, only occasionally coming together for family events. Tommas, in Chicago. And Cara, in Toronto, studying at the university.
“The break might be good for you,” Tommas continued, when Cara stayed silent. “Chicago isn’t Toronto. Things might feel familiar here.”
“Chicago isn’t home,” Cara snapped.
Tommas took a sharp inhale. Cara was even surprised at her outburst, colored heavily with anger. Her brother’s silent response was answer enough. Cara wished that she could check her temper toward her brother, but she didn’t have anything to give him, but for her anger.
Her brother—more than anyone left living that she loved—knew how she felt about Chicago. Or … her parents.
Or rather, the remaining parent she had left.
Addiction, hate, and pain. That was all their childhood had ever been. It was all that was left in Chicago.
“Ma would like to see—”
Cara stopped her brother before he could even attempt to say more. “I don’t give a shit about Ma, Tommas.”
Tommas cleared his throat. “She lost her husband. Give her a break, Cara.”
“A man she hated. A man she only pretended to love and only when she was drunk. A man she beat on. A man she put first before her children. So, her husband is dead, big fucking deal. I doubt she feels even an ounce of the hell that I’ve been living with for four months.”
“We don’t know what goes on inside Ma’s head.”
“I don’t need to know. Her soul is black. Her heart is black. She should be dead like he is. We would all be far better off without them both.”
“Cara.”
The truth hurt, but it was better than a blissful lie. Those hurt worse in the end.
Cara and Lea had been eighteen years old when they’d left. Dual Canadian citizenship and the family ties they had in Ontario got them away from their abusive, alcoholic parents. Tommas, however, had been long gone from the house by the time the twins left.
Tommas also had ties to the Chicago Outfit—a criminal organization that had been bred deep into their family’s blood and name for decades—like their father. It was all he knew. Leaving Chicago, and the Outfit, had never been a thought in her brother’s mind.
Now, seven years later, Cara was twenty-five, their sister was dead, and nothing was going to ever be the same again. Tommas thought going back where she hated the most, to the people of the Outfit that he called family and the place that had taken Lea from her, would fix this.
It never would.
“I’m not going back to Chicago,” Cara said after a long stretch of silence.
“Ever?” Tommas asked.
There was no judgement in his tone. He’d asked it with very little emotion, as though he already knew exactly what her answer would be.
“Not if I can help it, Tommas.”
Cara waited for those words to sink in, hoping that her brother finally got the point. She loved Tommas, even if their relationship was strained from years of separation and the past. She knew that Tommas loved her, too.
“I don’t think you understand how difficult it is to get up in the morning. I pass her bedroom and try not to breakdown. I still have all of Lea’s things. They litter this apartment from top to bottom.” Cara couldn’t bear the thought of getting rid of any of it. But she could barely stand to look at it all, either. “The apartment—and even Toronto—is basically the same thing. I struggle daily, to even leave the apartment and get done what I need to do. Every place I visit, all the sights I see, are touched by a memory of Lea. And that hurts,” Cara said quietly.
There was a lot she didn’t say, too.
Her college marks were suffering, her dream of becoming a therapist diminishing with missed classes. Frankly, she needed to be the one talking to a therapist, but that meant opening the front door and going outside.
It felt like her heart was ripping apart at the seams, the second her hand touched the front doorknob. She was leaving behind the only tangible ties to her sister that were not merely memories.
She was so useless like this.
Broken.
Incomplete.
Without.
“Cara,” Tommas said.
The softer tone her brother used brought Cara from the black abyss that was her thoughts. Her new constant companion.
“Yeah, Tommy?”
“I know it’s hard—”
“Harder, actually,” Cara interrupted.
“I’m sorry. I want to do something to help, but I need you to give me some kind of direction here, Cara. Or how to help. What do you need me to do?”
Leave me alone, she thought. Stop making me remember. It hurts.
Cara would never say those things to her brother, as they would hurt him.
It had been his people who had taken her sister away, even if it hadn’t been him, directly, who had pulled the trigger. It was still the Outfit. Tommas was an Outfit man. Cara didn’t know how to separate Tommas from the organization.
It was dirty money, bad blood, stained histories, and pain.
“Cara?” Tommas asked again.
She took a deep breath and rolled from her side to her back on the bed. A comforting place that she rarely left, now. Slinging her arm over her face, she blocked out the light that filtered in through the blinds.
“Just give me some time,” Cara settled on saying.
“Is more time actually going to help, Cara?”
“I don’t know.”
Cara stumbled from her bed. The persistent knocking—the bitch of a thing that had woken her up in the first place—continued to echo throughout the quiet apartment.
She’d made it perfectly clear to everyone that she wanted to be alone. She wasn’t without family in Toronto. She had her aunt and uncle, a couple of cousins, and a few friends from school.
As for the family side, Cara tried to stay away from their business as much as possible. Unless it was for something she couldn’t excuse her way out of, Cara tried not to intrude on their lives. And usually, they didn’t intrude too much on hers.
Well, before Lea died. She had seen more of her aunt and uncle since Lea’s death than she wanted to admit. She wished they would all go back to the polite greetings and occasional meet ups.
For good reason … It didn’t seem to matter where Cara lived, Canada or the USA, she couldn’t escape her family’s legacy.
The Rossi family—from the Canadian side, all the way to the American—was marked by crime. The mafia had weaved itself through her family tree from the very distant members, to her closest relatives. Cara needed distance from her family, and all the rest of the shit that they were involved in, as she always had. Now, though, since Lea’s murder because of the mafia, she needed that distance even more.
“Cristo,” Cara swore in Italian as she neared the front door to the apartment. The knocking had yet to cease, and that only kicked her irritation up to another level. “I’m fucking coming, relax.”
Cara flicked the deadbolt lock, and yanked open the door with more force than was necessary. She didn’t even bother to wipe the scowl off her face. She was not expecting who she found waiting.
Bambi Emmi.
For a long while, Cara simply stared at the young woman until Bambi’s usual wide smile faded a bit. In a tight, red dress that fell at her mid-thigh, and complimented her ruby lips and dark hair, Bambi was an exceptionally beautiful woman. Cara, with her crazy, red, curly hair and blue eyes, had never quite felt inferior when standing next to Bambi, though.
Their previous meetings had been passing, brief moments when Bambi’s friendship with Lea had managed to involve Cara as well, and politeness was expected.
“Hi,” Bambi said, shifting the diamond-studded clutch she held from one hand to another.
Cara said nothing.
She didn’t know what to say, truthfully.
While she would consider Bambi a friend of sorts, the girl had been much closer to Lea. Despite being close, and twins, the girls hadn’t always shared the same likes, dislikes, or behaviors.
Lea had been out-going, making friends wherever she went. Cara preferred to stand off in the shadows and watch people interact in all sorts of situation. To her, that was fascinating. To Lea, interacting and growing her circle had been the interesting part of life.
“So …” Bambi said, drawing the word out for much longer than what was necessary.
Awkward.
Finally, Cara’s mouth decided to play catch-up with her brain, and work. All she managed to say was a confused, “So.”
Bambi didn’t look offended over Cara’s lack of response to her presence, never mind her lack of enthusiasm at conversing like a normal human being. No, if anything, Bambi looked happier, her smile growing all over again.
And then Cara had to go and open her mouth to ruin it with, “What exactly are you doing here?”
Bambi’s smile vanished instantly, replaced by a hurt dancing over her pretty features. “I’m sorry. Am I not allowed to visit a friend?”
First, Bambi had always been more of a friend to Lea than Cara, for the most obvious reason … being Bambi’s lifestyle. For lack of a better word, Cara thought.
She could be brutally honest—Bambi liked her made men. Mafia men were just her thing. But the second reason why Bambi should not be knocking on Cara’s door?
Cara looked at the clock on the wall. “It’s eleven-thirty at night.”
Jesus. Was it really that late already? Hadn’t she been talking to her brother that afternoon?
Well, shit.
Cara had literally slept her day away. She’d missed another round of classes. An exam. An assignment that was due. A lecture.
And she needed groceries.
Fuck.
She was a mess.
She didn’t even know how to go about fixing it. Or even if she wanted to.
Bambi only stared at Cara as though she had suddenly grown a second head in the span of seconds. “What are you talking about?”
Cara pointed at the clock. “It’s late.”
“Yeah, if you’re fifty.”
“I have school in the morning.”
Bambi cocked an eyebrow. “Tomorrow is Saturday, and I remember Lea saying once that you don’t have classes on Saturdays.”
Was tomorrow Saturday?
What was happening to her life?
Cara rubbed a hand over her face. “What do you want?”
“I was in the neighborhood. I thought you might like to see a familiar face.”
“You thought wrong.”
Cara could have softened that blow, but she didn’t have the patience to. Bambi didn’t seem all that offended. In fact, she looked as though she had expected that.
“Yeah, seems I’m not the first person you’ve chased off with your nasty attitude lately. People talk, and others tend to take notice and listen. I know we’re not the greatest friends, but your sister looked out for me a lot, and I’d like to think that Lea would be super pissed at me if I didn’t offer the same to you.”
Cara cleared her throat, more uncomfortable than ever. “I’m fine.”
“Well, that’s a lie.”
“Bambi—”
“You look like shit just came over and took another shit on your head.”
Ouch.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Cara said, grabbing the door to close it in the woman’s face. “It’s time for you to go.”
“Wait.” Bambi put her body into the doorway, effectively stopping Cara from closing her out. “One night, Cara. You can take one night to get out of this apartment, away from this …” Bambi waved at the darkness behind Cara. “Whatever this mess is, and do something. Maybe it’ll be fun. Maybe you won’t have to think for a while. Maybe you’ll even smile. What would it hurt to try?”
It could hurt a lot.
“I’m not even dressed or done up,” Cara said weakly.
Bambi smiled slyly, gesturing at herself. “That is why you have me.”
“I can dress and do my own makeup, thanks.”
“And I will be right here to make sure you actually do it. A new club opened up three blocks away, last week. I happen to know the owner is a great guy, and throws an awesome fucking party. Give it a chance.”
Cara was too mentally tired to argue. Or maybe it was that she wanted to feel normal for a minute. Even if that meant using alcohol and deafening music to do it.
That was that.
“All right,” Cara said. “Give me fifteen minutes.”
Bambi looked her over. “Twenty, at least.”
“You could be nicer.”
“You could look less dead.”
Bitch.