WILL YOU GO OUT with me?
It was simple. Easy. And yet the question had been sitting heavy on my tongue for nearly two weeks.
Halloween came and went, and unfortunately I had to work. But Ellie sent me a picture of her and Andy dressed as Wonder Woman and Captain America, respectively.
I loved it as much as I hated it. Because it was another reminder about how I hadn’t had a minute alone with her in the last fourteen days. I’d seen her, but that was only to help her move. Damien and Naomi were always nearby.
Right now we had a rare moment alone. Her brother and his girlfriend had just stepped out to pick up dinner for all of us after we finished unpacking the last of the boxes in their new house today.
Please let this be the last time someone moves for a while…
Andy was sleeping in his bouncer nearby while an exhausted Ellie plopped down on the couch.
“You know what you need?” I asked suddenly, afraid I’d chicken out otherwise.
She lifted her head from where it’d dropped on the back of the couch. “What’s that?” she asked with a smile.
“To go out.”
Ellie froze, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. Before she could say anything, I continued, “You need a break. A night out. Between your parents and the move and constantly looking after Andy… things have been pretty stressful. Let’s get you out of the house.”
She swallowed roughly before asking, “You and me?”
The whole holding-my-breath thing made it hard to speak, so I nodded.
“Okay.” Ellie grinned. “Yeah, that sounds good.”
I exhaled, my own smile forming. “How’s Thursday? I work weird hours the next three nights, but I have a dayshift on Thursday and should be off in time to pick you up for dinner… around seven?”
“Sure.” She laughed and shook her head, almost like things were happening too fast.
It wasn’t because I was worried about her changing her mind; I was simply ready for a real night out with her. She was probably expecting me to pick Friday, but I didn’t want to wait a day longer than I had to. With today being Sunday, I already had to wait almost four days.
It wasn’t until I left that I realized I hadn’t technically asked her out the way I’d wanted to. If I was being honest, I’d been too chickenshit to call it a date.
But she had to know… right?
I felt like it was written all over my face, how badly I wanted this girl.
The next few days would feel like the longest of my life, but I’d get through them, and then finally… finally I’d be able to take her out the way I’d been dying to.
It’s not a date. It’s not a date. It’s not a date.
The chant was useless. I hadn’t been on many dates. In fact, all my “dates” began with us going through a drive-thru and ended with us almost passed out in the back of the guy’s truck. I never really remembered any of the details in between.
And yet, despite my limited knowledge, despite telling myself it wasn’t a date, my heart wasn’t getting the clue. Neither was Naomi. She was insistent that Grayson wanted to make it a date but was too nervous to say so.
So when she dragged me into her bathroom and sat me down to do my hair and makeup, I didn’t argue. My smile widened as I watched Naomi in the mirror.
We were silent while she curled my hair, and I took that time to look over my face.
I didn’t think I was ugly, but I’d never felt quite as beautiful as I did right now. My skin was clear, with just a dab of concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes courtesy of Andy, and my makeup was soft.
All Naomi did was put on a small amount of peach blush and a bit of mascara. It wasn’t a lot, but since I never wore makeup, it felt like I was a whole new person.
My gaze moved down, looking at my outfit. I was wearing a dark green skirt that flirted with my ankles and a white tank top covered by a white long-sleeved see-through blouse that was loose on my frame.
I brought my hands to my stomach, as if I could quell the butterflies taking flight within. I was nervous, but I was also more excited than I’d been in a long time.
Naomi finished a few minutes later. My long blonde locks had a beach curl to them, and half my hair was pinned to the back of my head.
When we walked downstairs, Naomi was practically skipping down the steps. I was sort of afraid she’d break her neck. But she made it down safely and jogged to the front room where Damien was playing with Andy.
My feet had just reached the last step and I heard her announce, “May I present, Miss Ellie Harrington.”
With a grin and a slight shake of my head, I turned the corner and walked toward my family. Damien stood up, his lips tipping into a smile.
“You look beautiful, Ells.”
“Thank you.” I started fidgeting under their stares. “Quit it,” I mumbled, walking over to my son.
“Hey, buddy.” I bent down and picked him up. He giggled and began slapping my neck, one of his favorite things to do. When he made a move to pull on my hair, Naomi came around and took him from me.
“No, no, no. That hair took thirty minutes. Bad baby.” She tried to be stern but Andy’s constant laughter made it impossible for her. “You’re gonna be such a little troublemaker, aren’t you?” she asked.
And I swear to God he nodded like he understood. Chuckling, I gave him a kiss on his forehead, and then I grabbed his foot and kissed the bottom.
“I’m going to wait outside on the porch swing,” I said, gesturing to the front door.
Damien frowned. “Why?”
I twisted my hands in front of me. “I don’t want to inconvenience him. This way he won’t have to get out of his car.”
This time it was Naomi’s turn to frown. “That’s ridiculous, Ellie. You’re not inconveniencing him. He seems exactly like the sort of gentleman who wants to ring the doorbell, open the car door, pay for dinner, make sure you come first, and—”
“Naomi,” my brother groaned, and my face turned bright red. She didn’t care… about either of our reactions; she simply laughed.
“It’s not a date,” I mumbled before clearing my throat, trying to ignore the mounting tension. Despite Damien’s annoyance, I also knew pissing each other off was some kind of weird foreplay between them.
“I also can’t stand how you two are staring at me.”
“Like what?” my brother asked, breaking his heated gaze away from his girlfriend.
“Like you’re my parents waiting for my prom date to show up so you can threaten him with the fact that you have a gun and you know how to use it… or something to that effect.”
Naomi’s lips quirked as Damien said, “Grayson’s a cop. I don’t think that line would work.”
I waved him off. “Oh, you know what I mean. You two are making me nervous.” Both their eyebrows shot up their foreheads. “Fine, nervous… er.”
I quickly escaped before they could say more, closing the door on their affectionate laughter. Glancing at the bench, I sat down, holding my purse in front of me.
I couldn’t wait to see Grayson. I felt like I was floating.
But as ten minutes turned to twenty, and twenty turned to thirty, I couldn’t stop my heart from sinking.
He isn’t coming.
The one time I wasn’t afraid of being forgotten… and I was. Would there ever be a time when I was a priority? Wanted? Hell, remembered?
I could hear Damien and Naomi laughing while I sat on the porch, too afraid to go back inside. My tears fell and my stomach started to grumble. Opening my purse, I dug around until I found a granola bar I’d forgotten in there from last week.
If this wasn’t pathetic, I didn’t know what was. My first date—at the age of twenty-one I might add—ended with me sitting on the porch eating a slightly stale breakfast bar.
But this hadn’t been a date.
I wanted to stay out here, to avoid going back in and admitting the truth, but it was getting dark and the air had a slight bite to it. I hadn’t brought a jacket because I thought if I did get cold, Grayson would be one of those men who offered me his. And I wanted that. I wanted to be wrapped up in him.
I’d built this up in my head, and now I was paying the price for it.
More tears came. God, I was such an idiot. The butterflies from earlier hadn’t disappeared; instead they settled in my stomach like a weight. Sad and heavy, reminding me of my foolishness. How, after so many years of expecting the worst, had I let my hopes get so high?
I checked my phone for the hundredth time, making sure I hadn’t missed a text or call, but the screen was blank. There was nothing, not from him or anyone else. Because the only people who really cared were in the house behind me, thinking I was out having fun.
There weren’t any notifications, but I did see the time.
Forty-five minutes. That was how long I’d sat and waited. I didn’t want to face the humiliation of telling Damien and Naomi I’d been stood up, but I was tired of waiting. I was tired of feeling unimportant and forgotten. I was tired of having hope that someone would see me, that someone would want me.
Sniffling, I slowly got up and fixed my skirt before dragging myself toward the front door. I hovered with my hand above the doorknob, turning my head one last time to see if his car had pulled up.
It hadn’t.
It wouldn’t.
I was forgotten.
Again.
Taking a deep breath, I wiped away the remaining tears and twisted the handle before stepping through and softly closing it once more.
“Ells?” D called from the other room. He sounded confused, most likely wondering what I was doing home so early, but he also sounded happy. I could hear the laughter in his voice. And though I hadn’t thought it possible, I grew even sadder.
He was happy, and I was constantly causing him sadness. I didn’t know how I’d have survived without him, he gave me so much. What had I ever given him?
Our parents had loved him; he could have reconnected with them eventually. We left because of me.
He wanted to buy his own tattoo shop, but all his money went into keeping me alive.
The only things I added to his life were stress and sadness.
Maybe Grayson could see that, maybe that was why he changed his mind. He realized what knowing me could cost a person.
I cleared my throat of the sudden emotion. “Yeah, it’s me,” I said back, relieved I sounded normal. I toed my shoes off, leaving them and my purse by the front door before walking to the living room.
“Why are you back so—?” Naomi cut herself off when she saw me. “What’s wrong? What’d he do? I didn’t think I had to worry about this with Grayson, but whatever he did, I will cut off his balls, grind them up in my new Ninja, and feed them to him.”
That got a laugh out of me. It was nice she was in my corner, even if she was only there because of Damien. Shaking my head, I made my way around the couch and sat on the ground next to Andy. He babbled and raised his fists, like he was happy to see me. I smiled, the first one in almost an hour, as I picked him up and held him to me.
I saw Damien lean forward out of the corner of my eye. “Ells, what happened?”
I blew out a breath and turned fully toward them. “He must have forgotten.” I shrugged, like it didn’t matter, like it hadn’t ripped my heart from my chest.
“What?” Damien hissed as he stood up. Naomi jumped up with him, placing a hand on his arm. “Are you telling me you’ve been sitting on the porch for an hour?”
“Technically it was only forty-five minutes,” I mumbled in an attempt to pacify my brother. The flames shooting from his eyes indicated I was unsuccessful.
“Wait, wait… this makes no sense. Grayson is crazy about you,” Naomi said. She tapped her chin like she was thinking before she said, “Maybe he got shot.”
My eyes widened and I clutched Andy a little tighter. “Why would you say that?” I shrieked. My banshee noise scared him and he started wailing.
“Shh, shh, Mommy’s sorry,” I whispered as I bounced him. He settled down some.
“Being shot is the only excuse I’ll accept,” Damien grumbled. I glared at him.
Naomi sat in front of me. “I doubt he was shot. I’m sorry. Bad joke. I just meant, I’m sure there’s a reason.” She gave me a small smile, and I looked up to see Damien mirroring her.
I gazed back and forth between them and thought, How nice. How nice it must be to be that in love; they weren’t looking at each other, no words were exchanged, they weren’t even touching, and I could still feel their love. And man, it had to be wonderful to feel that way.
Naomi was right. I was sure there was a reason.
You’re stupid.
You’re lazy.
You can’t do anything useful.
I was also sure those weren’t the reasons Naomi was thinking, but my mother’s voice was the only thing I heard. It was all I ever heard.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I tried to smile back. It must not have been successful because she still appeared worried; they both did. “I promise I’m fine. These things happen, right?”
Damien’s eyes darkened, and I spoke again before he could. “I’m kind of tired, though, and I really want to get out of this outfit.” I smiled at Naomi, a small thank-you for her wasted efforts. Then I moved to get up but she blocked me.
“Nuh-uh. We’ll take him to bed.”
“But—”
“No buts. Just take a few minutes to yourself. You can stop in afterward.”
“Okay.” I smiled and handed my son over before standing up. “Thanks,” I whispered before walking out of the room toward the stairs. I’d just put my foot on the first step when I felt a hand wrap around my upper arm.
“Ellie,” Damien whispered.
“Yeah?” I didn’t turn around, so he gently pulled until I was facing him. His worried eyes moved around my face, searching for something.
“You should eat something.”
I shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”
“Ells,” he said sternly.
“I had a granola bar outside,” I admitted on a dejected whisper.
He looked so sad as he said, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.” His voice was hard again.
Shrugging, I conceded, “Maybe not. But it’s…” I trailed off, all the words I could end that thought with made me unbearably sadder.
Expected.
Normal.
I think that was why it hurt more, because I hadn’t been worried. There wasn’t a single part of me that thought he would forget me… and then he did.
Damien seemed to know what I was thinking, and he quickly crushed me to his chest. “I love you, Ellie. I love you so damn much.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from silently running down my face. “I love you, too, D,” I mumbled into his chest, my arms wrapped tightly around his middle.
Several minutes later, we pulled away. I gave him one last watery smile before I disappeared upstairs.
Earlier that night, when Naomi had begged me to let her put a little makeup on me, I’d thought it was stupid. But it was Naomi, and Naomi usually got her way, so I’d stopped arguing two minutes in and agreed. And, in the end, I was glad I had. I’d thought I looked pretty. I’d been excited for Grayson to see me outside of the spit-up clothes and dark circles from having a newborn.
Now, as I undid Naomi’s work—the only people who’d seen it besides me being my brother and his girlfriend—I felt stupid all over again. Stupid and pathetic.
I stared in the mirror. Half of my makeup was wiped away, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was seeing my entire life. Torn between who I was and who I wanted to be. Maybe I needed to stop fighting it and accept what the world kept trying to tell me.
I scrubbed until my skin was red, and changed into my pajamas. The only outward indication of this horrible night was the slight hold my curls still held.
Lying down in bed, I stared up at the ceiling, my thoughts spiraling to places I didn’t want to go. My stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything else once I came inside. I was too tired to get up. And not just physically tired, but a bone-deep, in-my-soul tired.
I was ashamed to admit it, but my mind drifted to alcohol. I wondered if it would help… if it would take the edge off and make me feel less alone. It always had before.
No.
No.
No!
Don’t go there, Ellie. You’re stronger than this. You’ve made it almost ten months without a drop. You don’t need it. The relief will only be temporary and then you’ll hate yourself. Think of all you have. Andy. Damien. Naomi. Joy.
I nodded, like the voice inside my head was another person in the room. Still, I leaned over and opened my nightstand, fumbling around until my hands landed on my nine-month sobriety token.
The plastic dug into my palm when I squeezed it, letting the pain remind me of what I had to lose.
Everything.
And then, like a miracle, Andy cried. It was the perfect moment. Somehow he knew how much I needed him to need me right now. I was shutting my door just as Naomi made it to the top.
“I can get him, Ellie.”
Shaking my head, I said, “It’s okay. I need him tonight.”
She smiled like she understood. “Okay. Don’t hesitate to ask if you need something… anything, okay?”
“Of course. Thanks, Naomi.” I quickly padded across the hall before gently opening and shutting his door. I picked him up and cradled his tiny body against my chest, my face against his soft hair as I felt more tears fall. Sitting in the rocking chair in the corner, I tried to lull him back to sleep with a song.
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high;
There’s a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.
The last word ended on a sob.
How long would I have to wait for my rainbow? How long would it be before my dreams came true?
Andy finally nodded off, but I kept singing, low and light, promising him things I wasn’t sure were real.
“Man, that was crazy for a Thursday night,” Brody said as he brought the last perp in.
“Yeah, it—wait, what did you say?” I didn’t need him to repeat it; I’d heard exactly what he said. Maybe I just had to ask so I could really drive the point home of what a fucking moron I was.
Brody’s brows furrowed. “I said it was crazy busy for a Thursday night,” he repeated slowly.
Ellie.
Our date.
Except it wasn’t. I was too chicken to call it one. Either way, I’d stood her up…
“Shit, shit, shit,” I muttered. I left him, hearing his shouts about what was wrong, and sprinted to the locker room. I hardly remember the minutes it took for me to change and clock out; all I remember was feeling like I was running out of time, like something precious was slipping through my fingers.
I dialed Ellie’s number as I made my way to my car, two hours after I was supposed to pick her up. It went straight to voice mail. Cursing, I threw all my stuff in the backseat before backing out and making my way to Ellie’s house.
I thought of the bouquet of fresh flowers I had sitting in my fridge at home and wondered if I should stop by and grab them. I’d picked them up before work this morning so I wouldn’t forget tonight.
My mind went to a different place when I worked; I tried to block everything else out. I had to. I hadn’t been worried about the time because Thursdays usually weren’t too bad so I figured I’d be off on time.
I shook my head and hit the steering wheel.
Fuck.
My headlights flashed across the front of the house, including the family room window, where I could see the TV was on.
Seconds later, I was out of my car and heading toward the door. It opened when I was about halfway there, Damien’s large form walking through it, quickly followed by Naomi.
“I need to see Ellie.” I didn’t ask because one way or another, it was happening.
Her brother gave me a slow once-over, like he was considering something. He was my friend and Ellie adored him, but I would punch him the fuck out if he tried to stop me from seeing her right now.
“You’re not shot,” he finally said.
My head snapped back, surprised and confused. “What?” I asked, half a second before his fist met my face.
“Damien!” Naomi scolded as she shoved him backward.
“What?” he asked breezily. “You threatened to feed his Ninja-pureed balls to him earlier.”
She growled at him before looking at me. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I flexed my jaw. It was a weak hit and when I saw the warning in his eye, I knew it was intentional. We were still friends, but that was his baby sister. And excuse or not, she was left hurting.
I nodded my head in understanding—I wanted to punch myself in the face too—and he moved aside.
“What the hell?” I heard Naomi ask as I crossed the threshold into the house. “Ugh… guys are so dumb! Why can’t you have a conversation like normal…?” Her voice trailed off. I quickly made my way up the stairs, two at a time.
Andy’s door was shut, while Ellie’s was slightly ajar. I checked it first; her bedding was rumpled and she was nowhere to be found. Then I heard soft singing. As I moved closer to Andy’s door, the words became clearer…
Someday I’ll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That’s where you’ll find me.
Her voice cracked on the last word and I heard a sniffle. My heart broke a thousand times over at that one little sound.
I knocked on the door and waited for her meek “okay,” before quickly opening it and stepping inside. Ellie’s startled eyes landed on me.
“Hi.”
She shook herself out of it and whispered, “Hey.” Her eyes grew wet, and she quickly looked down to keep me from seeing. But I saw.
I saw the tears of a girl who’d been forgotten more than remembered.
Unwanted more than desired.
Cast aside more than loved.
Judged more than understood.
“Ellie, I’m so sorry. Work was crazy and time got away from me. I—”
“It’s okay. I understand.” Her voice was soft, reassuring, most likely for the sleeping baby. But I had a feeling she’d say the exact same thing, the exact same way, even if she wasn’t rocking her son. She didn’t sound bitter or angry; she sounded resigned, accepting it like it was normal.
“It’s not okay.” I had to work to keep from raising my voice.
Her shoulders slumped under the exhaustion and she stared up at me, completely open and vulnerable. “You’re sure you didn’t change your mind? Because it’s okay if you did. I-I’ll understand.”
“No,” I said earnestly as I moved her way and dropped to my knees in front of her. “I promise. I’m not… honestly I’m not used to having plans. As pathetic as it sounds, it’s the truth. Work was my life before I met you, and I’m still adjusting. Today was busy, and I didn’t realize the time until it was too late. That’s it. I swear.” I tentatively put my hands on the back of her calves and squeezed. “Ellie, I’ve been looking forward to this all week.”
Her warm hazel eyes moved between mine, unsure and hopeful all at once.
“Tell me something that hurts,” I whispered, hoping to connect the way we had before.
“This,” she said softly, shattering my heart. “And yours?”
Nodding, I copied her, “This.”