“Son, you’re going to have to stop judging everyone by your mother,” I start, but that sounds damn inadequate.

Which is exactly how I feel.

Sitting here on the floor, on my knees, staring up at this tiny boy with tears and a world of sadness in his eyes… I am at a complete fucking loss as to how to deal with him. Harley and Desi might be twins, but they are as different as night and day. Desi has a lightness and a joy about her that fills a room and makes you smile. Harley, however, has always been the more cautious of the two. The one to question everything, and the one who feels things so deeply it cuts him.

I let my thumb brush against his small cheek, watching him struggle to keep his tears at bay. He tries to be me, too much really, for his age.

“Everyone leaves,” he answers. “Desi and I don’t need anyone else. I’m big now. I can take care of Desi.”

“It’s my job to take care of you and Desi, son.”

“You’re gone. When you aren’t here, I take care of Desi. You told me that, Dad. We don’t need that woman. We’re fine on our own.”

“You need someone here to watch over you when I’m not here.”

“The men are here. I’m big now, too,” he argues again.

Jesus. I’m getting too damn old. I have no idea how to tackle this shit.

“Well I like her! I want to keep her! Can we keep Toi, Daddy? Can we?” Desi argues, finally speaking up. She had been watching everything intently and staying quiet, which is unlike her. Seems she has finally decided to speak up.

“Desi just likes her because she plays dolls with her.”

“She doesn’t play with you, Harley?” I ask, knowing the answer, but trying to draw my son out.

“I don’t play dolls,” he grumbles. “I’m a boy.”

“Toi tried to play video games with him, Dad.”

“She did?” I ask Desi, but I’m looking at Harley.

“She’s just here because you’re making her. She doesn’t care about us,” Harley grumbles.

“She’s here to teach you. I didn’t ask her to play with you guys and spend time with you.”

“She’s just doing it to make you happy,” he argues. My son is a tough nut, much like his old man. In my world, no one does anything for free. He’s probably right. Toi doesn’t know my kids and chances are she’s doing everything with my kids to survive. That’s the ultimate motivation for anything a man or woman does. To keep breathing. Still, I don’t like that he’s this cynical at his age. At seven he should be laughing and enjoying life, until he’s faced with the truth about the world and people.

“Harley threw his game controller at Toi,” Desi whispers. Harley shoots her a mean look and Desi squirms. This is new. Desi and Harley are as thick as thieves. They always have been. They band together always and hold each other’s secrets over everything else. Desi has to already be attached to Toi, deeply. How did that happen in a couple weeks? I’m not sure I like it, which is crazy and I have no explanation, but it’s true.

“Did you?” I ask Harley.

He shrugs, remaining as stoic as a seven-year-old can, and for my son, that’s damn formidable.

“He threw his controller and hit her in the mouth and stomped out,” Desi adds and maybe it’s time to talk to her about not ratting her brother out quite so strongly. Though, shit, I do want to know this crap. Fuck, when did raising kids become so motherfucking complicated?

“If that’s the way things are son, then go to your room,” I order Harley. He looks at me, his eyes defiant. “Go. And there will be no more X-box until you apologize to Toi,” I add walking over to the stand in the corner of the room with the kid’s system on it. I start disconnecting it, wondering exactly how I’m going to handle Harley. I have to find a way to reach my boy, but in the meantime, I can’t let him take his anger out on Toi.

“I hate her. I’ll never apologize,” he cries, and I look over my shoulder at him.

“Then you’ll never play your games again,” I tell him plainly.

“I hate you too! You’re always gone! I wish you’d just stay gone!” he cries and flees the room. Desi looks toward the door a little lost. Harley’s never had this bad an outburst before. I knew it was coming though. It’s been coming for a while. Cherry had gotten close to my kids. They loved her. Her leaving hit them a lot harder than it did me—which is fucking sad.

“He’ll be okay,” Desi whispers, and I nod, trying to reassure her. I give her a tight smile.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine, princess. He’ll be fine.”

I wish to hell I believed that right now.