The plane touched down in L.A.
I climbed in the back of the waiting town car, shot my brother a text.
In LA.
His return was quick.
You’re here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?
I tapped out a response.
Last minute decision. Where are you?
Guilt pressed down on my shoulders. I knew I was misleading him. That I wasn’t here for the reasons he wanted me to be. But I couldn’t tackle that right now and take care of Edie. And fuck…Edie came first. If Baz had the first clue about what was going down, I knew he’d agree, too.
Old Sunder house. Band meeting. All the guys are here.
Be there soon.
My knee bounced a million miles a minute. My fingers tapped just as fast against my thigh.
Forty-five minutes later, the car began the ascent into the Hills. Houses were butted up close to the narrow, winding road, and evergreens and palms swayed in the summer breeze. That endless expanse of city sky was dyed a dingy gray by the heavy smog.
A swell of homesickness hit me hard.
I both welcomed it and hated it all the same.
Because with each second that passed, anxiety fired through my nerves. It was an antsy, sick feeling that ratcheted higher and higher.
Tick.
Tock.
Like the slow turn of the wheels that cranked a vintage clock.
Going to fix this, Edie. Promise you. Even if you never talk to me again, I’m going to fix this.
The words were a grated promise held silent on my tongue.
I fisted the tattered green monkey I’d stuffed in my backpack when I’d rushed through my place this morning, grabbing things I thought I might need.
Damian had been on my heels, demanding to know what the hell was going on and how long I would be gone. Told him I didn’t know for sure, but I had to go home for a while, and if by some miracle of God Edie showed up, to tell her I’d be back as soon as I could.
I crushed the worn plush monkey in a fist, like if I squeezed it hard enough it would cry out the answer to the abounding questions.
Instead it echoed back the loss, whispered the moans of that snuffed out presence that haunted me like a ghost.
The car pulled into the hidden brick drive. A row of flashy cars, some I recognized, some new, lined the front of the massive stucco mansion. Most of the impressive structure was concealed by towering trees, hidden by the sweeping span of their lush, secreting leaves.
The anxiety lighting up my nerves ratcheted another rung higher.
We came to a standstill.
I opened the door, climbed out, and slung my backpack over my shoulder.
I muttered a quiet, “Thank you.”
Feet echoing, I trudged up the walkway to the ornate double doors.
I had no clue if I should knock or ring the bell or walk right the fuck in.
Because I no longer knew my place.
Didn’t know where I belonged or where I fit in.
Didn’t know if the second I stepped through the doors if I would regress back to the sniveling kid who shredded his life and the lives around him without a second thought.
Careless.
Reckless.
Mindless.
Just like last night.
But fuck. I was determined to hold together the few pieces I’d found.
I wasn’t leaving here until I made this right. Until that fucker Paul was no longer a threat. I set my hand on the handle, thumb tentative before I finally pushed down the latch. Metal grated against metal as it disengaged.
The door dropped open to the interior that was nothing less than a rambling expanse of extravagance.
The foyer was wide and open and high. A set of double doors sat off to the left. Behind them was the kitchen that was every bit as lavish as the rest of the place.
On the right was a hallway that led to the downstairs offices and den, and next to it was the broad staircase that climbed to the two wings sheltering the six bedrooms above.
Emotion throbbed as memories rushed. I couldn’t stop my thoughts from going to the room right above.
It was where I’d first found Edie and she’d found me.
In the middle of the ground floor was a huge living area that opened up to the bank of sliding glass doors overlooking the pool and sprawling city below.
Trembles shook my body.
Something about it felt like home.
Confusion mixed with it, careening left and right, making my head spin.
Because I was more unsure about where I belonged than I’d ever been before.
My backpack slid from my shoulder and landed with a thud on the marble floor. My boots echoed against the shiny tiles as I edged deeper into the house. The sound answered back with something that rang like loneliness.
I jerked when I heard the heavy footsteps banging down the staircase.
My attention flew to the right. Ash bounded down, completely unaware.
Seeing him was like a punch straight to the gut.
Blond hair a mess, big, hulking tattooed arms, smiling face.
The weight I shouldered for his sister hit me like a full-body blow.
He reared back when he saw me. He grabbed for the railing and stopped midstride.
Surprise pulled all over his face. Blue eyes, so much like Edie’s, flashed. But his surprise? It was all in welcome because he didn’t have a clue. “Well, holy shit, if it isn’t the Austin Stone. In the flesh.”
His head began to shake, and the smirk he loved to wear ticked up at the corner of his mouth. “Our very own vagabond returning after years of adventure.”
He took another step down. “How the hell are you?” He didn’t pause for my answer, just kept shaking his head and grinning as he headed my way. “Look at you. Strutting in here, all grown up. For a second there, thought you were Baz. Blows my mind. And at the risk of sounding like a pussy, which obviously I am not, I’m gonna go ahead and lay it out there and say the ladies will be pleased with what they see.”
Leave it to Ash, his thoughts always salacious, heading straight to his endless hunt of women.
I chuckled. Because, hell, I couldn’t help it. It was damned good to see him. Didn’t know how much I missed him until right then. “And I see absolutely nothing has changed around here.”
He laughed, the sound incredulous. “Dude…that is where you’d be wrong. All these assholes? They’ve gone and lost their ever-lovin’ minds. Shacked up with their ladies. Put rings on their fingers. They’re pumping out kids faster than my new Maserati. It’s just me and Zee filling up these walls and whatever fun we can find for the night.”
Of course because it was Ash? He said it with pure affection and a smile riding his face.
“For real…thank God you’re back. Time to tip the scales back our direction. You know…to those of us who aren’t dragging around a ball and chain.”
Back.
Unease itched my skin.
I wasn’t really.
Couldn’t be. Because this was the last place Edie was ever going to want to be. And I doubted the dude would be all smiles and welcome if he knew I’d been living in his little sister for the last month. If he had the first clue why I’d returned. Here to fix what I’d fucked up a long damned time ago.
He strolled the rest of the way down. Like he owned the place.
Guess he probably did.
He shoved his hand out in front of him. I shook his hand, completely caught off guard when he yanked me forward, hugged me hard and clapped me on the back.
His voice came low at my ear. All jest evaporated like a mist. “Hey, man, want you to know it’s really fucking good to see you. You’ve been gone far too long. All of us…we’ve missed you. But your brother has needed you. He’s struggling, man. Feels stuck.”
It felt like a warning.
Stepping back, he inclined his head toward the stretch of windows.
My heart seized in my chest.
In the distance, I caught sight of my big brother.
The guy who’d sacrificed so much for me.
Guess I wasn’t prepared that seeing him would affect me this way.
Emotion ripped me all over.
Regret and joy and suffocating sorrow.
I watched him lift a little boy from under the arms and toss him in the air. Catching him, he smothered him in a barrage of kisses to his chubby cheeks and chin. All over his entire face. The little boy giggled and burrowed deeper into my brother’s embrace.
This little boy I didn’t know.
Connor Stone.
One I’d been too much of a coward to meet.
Ash’s voice broke through the daze clouding my head. “Go on, man. Nothing is gonna make him happier than seeing you here.”
I didn’t answer him. I just started in that direction. I moved slowly—cautiously—toward the guy I wanted nothing more than to make proud. Then time and time again, I turned around and constantly let him down.
Edie flashed through my mind. The way she always looked when she was lying beneath me, conflicting with the expression she’d worn when I’d crushed her anew.
Fuck.
When was I going to stop?
It felt like my guts were tied all the way up in my throat.
I pushed open the sliding door and stepped out.
A blast of heat and sun and city pelted me. The sounds of Hollywood shouted back, a vibe of energy, horns, and the roar of the freeway in the distance.
Sebastian stilled, and his back went rigid, before he hooked his little boy on his hip and slowly turned around to face me.
Relief.
His or mine, I didn’t fucking know. But it was there. Zipping between us on that invisible tether that bound us.
Family.
Blood.
Devotion.
“Austin.” His eyes wandered, taking me in.
I stood there like a guilt offering. Because shit. I had no clue what I’d really put him through while I’d been missing for all these years.
Guarded, he took a couple steps forward.
My gaze was drawn to the little boy tacked to his side. The kid was all joy and light and smiles, sandy-blond hair, and the same eyes made of Stone.
Affection clutched me. Pulsed and pulled me every direction. Fuck, if I didn’t feel like weeping.
Right there.
Sure, I’d seen pictures.
But it wasn’t close to being the same.
A distinct rawness made its way into my tone. “He’s amazing, Baz. Looks just like you.”
My brother grinned in a way I didn’t think I’d ever seen him do. He ran a tender palm from the top of the boy’s head all the way to his chin. “Think so?”
“Yeah, man.”
Connor giggled, the kid’s attention short-lived just like you’d expect from any two-year-old. Wiggling, he pointed with a little finger across the expansive lawn that sat off to the right side of the pool.
If Ash’s mind was blown, mine had exploded.
It was a pool that had played partner to all kinds of depravity. Now it sported one of those ground-level covers to keep little ones safe.
Ash was not joking. Things had changed.
“Ball…down,” the little guy demanded.
“In a minute, buddy. Want you to meet someone really important first. How’s that sound?”
Baz carried him my direction. Grey eyes glinted their curiosity. Connor smiled an adorable, shy smile. All I could do was give him a wobbly one. He turned his head on its side, tucked against his daddy’s chest, staring at me, like he wanted to interact but wasn’t all too sure what to make of me.
Something wistfully sad hit me like a hammer.
The soul-deep realization of what I’d been missing.
The awareness of the time I’d lost.
“This is my brother…your Uncle Austin. Can you say that? Austin?” he coaxed. Baz slanted his voice in a doting way I wasn’t entirely sure I’d ever heard my brother do before. Except maybe for that sweet little girl who’d come in and swept him off his feet, the tiny thing as irresistible as her mother.
No wonder Baz had been done for the second Shea had come barreling into his life.
I shook Connor’s fisted hand. “Hey there, little man. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
He grinned wide, repeating what his dad had been cajoling him to say. “Auffin.”
Yeah.
That damned near slayed me.
Warmth spread. Infiltrating. Penetrating all those dark corners.
It was so intense I didn’t quite know what to do with it. A feeling so right clashing with the horror I’d done Edie last night.
Broken her trust in the worst way.
I had so much to atone for.
No question, I was here for a reason. A goal.
To silence Paul.
No longer would that name need to be a part of Edie’s vocabulary.
But there was no chance I could ignore my brother altogether. Not him or the questions that remained between us.
The intentions he’d implied.
They’d been blatant in his texts and letters. Clearer and clearer with each one that passed.
No. I couldn’t accept it. Couldn’t stand in his shoes.
They were too damned big to fill.
And Edie…this was the last place she wanted to be.
But maybe I could do a little of that setting straight with Baz while I fixed the mess with Edie.
It fucking sucked that plan included leading Baz on more. But I had to believe he’d get it in the end.
Then I’d return to Edie and beg her for one more chance.
One I didn’t deserve.
But I wasn’t going down without a fight.
“Yeah, little man, I’m your Uncle Austin.”
Just as fast as his interest lasted, he was pointing at his ball again.
Ball…down…Daddy, down.”
Baz set him on his feet. He scampered off, toddling after it.
Baz slanted away for a second to watch him go. The second his back was turned, a blast of tension gusted through.
It stagnated the air between us.
Baz turned back. Wary. “Austin.” My name slid from him like it was wrapped in caution flags.
My throat was doing that burning thing. I beat it back, forced out the chopped-up words. “It’s good to see you, brother.”
An incredulous sound puffed from him. He smiled a smile full of disbelief. “God…I was right. Almost don’t recognize you. Except for the fact I kinda feel like I’m looking in a mirror.”
Discomfort had me scratching at the back of my neck. “Time has a way of doing that, yeah?”
“Yeah. And it sure looks like time’s been good to you.”
I quirked a brow, hoping to throw a shot of lightness into the mood. “Oh, getting cocky now, are we, considering we’re now damned near close to twins?”
Second I said it? We both fucking winced. Pulled right back down where we were slammed into this brutal reality. Wished I could take it back. But, no. I’d tossed it out there into the light where it strutted around, begging for attention.
Desperate to be recognized.
Refusing to let us forget.
Like there’d ever be a chance of that.
Pain coated his tone. “Austin.”
My hands fisted at my sides. “I’m so sorry, man.”
His brow dented, lines cutting all over. “What the hell are you sorry for?”
“For everything.”
He gave a harsh shake of his head. “You think I’ve been sitting over here disappointed in you?”
Of course he had.
Why wouldn’t he be?
“I left.”
So maybe that was the culmination of it all. Because God knew it’d begun on that day when I was eight years old.
When I’d committed the worst crime.
The greatest sin.
Seemed I couldn’t stop making them since.
Another shake of his head. But this one was almost a rebuke. “You think I didn’t get that you needed to go? You think I didn’t respect what you were doin’, Austin? Fuck…I missed you like crazy. Worried about you night and day. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t behind you. One-hundred percent.”
Always having my back. That was my brother. Even when doing so cost him so much.
He averted his gaze toward his son, before he looked back at me, a hand raking through his hair.
“Fuck, man, I messed your life up so bad. Dragging you into all the bullshit that ruled my world. You were just a little kid, and there you were, right in the middle of the mess, every kind of sin going down right under your nose. Think I don’t know it was my fault you got mixed up in it?”
“You know that’s not close to being true. It was all on me, Baz. I was the one who was looking for a way to dull it. To fill up some of that void. I would have found it…one way or another.”
His lips pressed tight. I could feel the disagreement rolling through him. “Maybe we both were to blame. I don’t fucking know. All I know is when I found you on the tour bus, sprawled out face down on the ground, lost to that shit…”
Grief clutched his tone. “I thought you were dead, man. Thought I’d lost another brother. And it was my fault.”
I blanched, assaulted by his words. He didn’t give me time to take a breath. “Then you lived, Austin. You lived. I felt like we were given a second chance, and I kind of lost it, doin’ my best to keep you sheltered and isolated so nothing bad would ever happen to you again.”
He gave me a slow shake of his head. “But I know now that wasn’t right, either. I wasn’t doing anything but stunting you. Holding you back from who you were gonna be.”
Tendrils of joy and sorrow weaved through my senses. Taking hold. “Only thing you ever did was look out for me, Baz. Knew I had to go… If I was ever going to be something, be someone, I had to go and find my way.”
Crazy thing was, I’d found Edie.
The urge nearly knocked me from my feet. Tell him. Lay it out. I bit it back. I refused to betray Edie. Never again would I tell secrets I didn’t have the right to tell.
Emotion plucked at one side of his mouth. “I see the guy now. Standing right there in front of me.”
Voice raw, I managed to ask, “And who’s that?”
Because fuck.
I needed to know.
“Someone strong. Someone who’s still hurting and suffering from the past. But he’s there. Someone brave enough to step back into the middle of it. Someone who’s a million miles apart from the scared kid who walked out that door three years ago. And still…he has the same soft spirit. I see him, Austin. And he’s a good man. I’ve always known he was there. Waiting for the opportunity to be great.”
My jaw clenched.
God.
His assumptions were both merciful and cruel.
“That’s who I want to be, Baz. I’m just not sure I’ve made it there yet.”
Unease wound between us. I swallowed hard. “I saw that article, Baz. One about the shows getting cancelled. You showing up at an emergency room here in the city. Your texts. Rumors flying. You wanted me here, and here I am. Now tell me what’s really going on.”
Baz blew out a breath toward the sky. He shook his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets.
“You always thought you were the lost one, Austin. But I’m the one who’s been searching my whole life. Never quite sure where I wanted to be. Think I knew it the moment I met Shea. Knew I was meant for something different. And I’m not sayin’ it’s bad or wrong to want both. But I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo since the second I found my family.”
He glanced at his son. “We’ve been going back and forth for the last three years. Sharing our time between the house we bought here in L.A. and Shea’s old place in Savannah. Damned near kills me every time they don’t come with me.”
He looked back at my frozen gaze. “Shea decided to bring the kids out here for the summer so it’d be easier for me to come home between cities during the tour. Every time I get on a plane to leave? I don’t want to go.”
His head shook. “We were in Denver and I get this call from Shea. She’s super calm. Not agitated or anything. She’s just letting me know she’s taking Kallie to the emergency room because she had a fever that wouldn’t break and Shea wanted to be sure she was fine since it was the weekend.”
Without taking his hands from his pockets, he shrugged toward his ears. “I panicked, man. Took off for the airport without letting anyone know. Because I couldn’t handle the thought of not being there if they needed me. Got off the plane to find all these missed calls, wondering where the fuck I was.”
He looked out over the city. “Let the band down, Austin. I’ve been doing it for a while now. Because my heart’s not in it. It’s with Shea. With Kallie. With Connor. I’m stepping down. One way or another.”
Apprehension twisted up with the spark of those old dreams.
Baz stared across at me. “I heard you all those nights in your room, Austin. Playing. So fucking good you made me sound like a hack. Know you’ve been playing all these years, too. Different stuff, but the same. The same heart. The same soul.”
“You’re wrong, Baz. I…I fuck everything up.”
He shook his head. “No. Might feel like it. But you don’t. You’ve just been searching, too. Just like me. And fuck…I won’t pretend like I know where you should land. But what I do know? I know there’s no one else I’d rather take my spot than you. And that’s the truth of it. It’s not because I’m trying to save you or give you something you didn’t earn. If this is where your heart belongs? Then step up and take it. If not? Then that’s okay, too.”
That heart?
It flew into a riot.
Because I knew when I came here that would be Baz’s offer.
And there was a huge part of me that wanted it. A part that had wanted it forever.
But my truth? My heart? I knew where it belonged. It belonged with Edie. But for right now, I would pretend.