Casey didn’t say anything on the way into my apartment. He’d been pretty quiet all day, though. Hell, so had I. After last night, my focus had been on not passing out at my desk. I felt bad that he’d lost sleep too. Nights in bed with me weren’t for the faint of heart, unfortunately.
Still silent, we went into the bedroom. I was tired enough that I wasn’t even sure I was in the mood for sex, but I knew me—once the clothes came off and the bodies started touching, I’d get in the groove quickly enough.
Without a sound—without even looking at me—Casey stripped off his clothes. His movements were mechanical. Distracted. Like he was going through the motions while his mind was somewhere else, and not like somewhere else was what we were about to be doing in my bed.
I stepped closer and touched his waist. He didn’t meet my eyes, but he didn’t pull away. Cautiously, I tipped up his chin. “You okay?”
He held my gaze, but after a second, he smiled. “Yeah. Why?”
“You just seem . . . I don’t know. Somewhere else?”
Casey avoided my eyes and shrugged. Then he looked up at me again, this time with a brighter smile that still didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m good.” He wrapped his arms around me. “Long day, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” I pulled him close and kissed him.
We inched toward the bed, and finally landed on the mattress, but I couldn’t say things were heating up. Every time he kissed me or touched me, it was painfully obvious his heart wasn’t in it. His hands weren’t as exploratory as they usually were. His mouth was half-hearted, and that was being generous. His dick was hard, but slightly less so than it usually was. Like he was one sigh away from losing his erection and rolling out of bed.
I broke the kiss and pushed up on my arms. “Hey. What’s wrong?”
This time, he didn’t try to pretend everything was fine. He closed his eyes, and the resigned breath he released said I hadn’t been off the mark.
Heart in my throat, I eased onto my side next to him. “Casey?”
He wiped a hand over his face. After a moment, he rolled to face me. “I guess it’s just bothering me—what we talked about earlier. With your flashbacks and stuff.”
“What about them?”
“Well . . .” Casey shifted. “It’s that thing you said about being lucky I didn’t have to deal with it. I mean, I get that you wouldn’t wish this kind of thing on anyone. I get that going to war messed you up. It messes everyone up.” He met my eyes. “But don’t ask me to be happy about washing out of BUD/S.”
My stomach flipped. “Oh. Shit. I . . . Christ, I hadn’t even thought of that.” I cautiously reached for his face, and when he didn’t recoil, I stroked his cheek. “I’m sorry. That . . . that wasn’t what I meant.”
“I know. But that’s how it felt. I keep telling myself you didn’t mean it that way, but . . .”
“I didn’t. I’m sorry, Casey.” It didn’t sound like nearly enough. Now that he’d pointed out what I’d said, I felt like an utter dick. “I know the trident meant a lot to you.” I squeezed his hand gently. “I . . . wasn’t thinking when I said what I did. I was tired, I was rattled, I . . . didn’t mean for it to come across that way. That I was saying you’re lucky your dream got yanked away from you. Just that I wouldn’t wish this”—I tapped my temple—“on anyone. That’s all.”
Casey searched my eyes for a moment, then nodded slowly. “Okay. Yeah. I get that. And . . . I don’t know. Maybe I’m overreacting.”
“Nah. If it bothered you, then it bothered you. It’s okay. I’m glad you said something.”
“Well.” He laughed, sounding uncomfortable. “I guess I wasn’t letting you ignore it, yeah?”
“I don’t want you to. Call me out on this stuff. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know,” he whispered, drawing me down to kiss him. “Now shut up and let’s fuck.”
I laughed just before he claimed my mouth.
With the air cleared, the tension was gone. Casey kissed me like he had the first time we’d tumbled into bed together, and I held on to him like that might somehow tell him in no uncertain terms that I was sorry and I didn’t ever want to hurt him. All I wanted was for him to feel good.
“Tell me what you want,” I panted between kisses. “Anything you—”
“Let me sit up,” he whispered. “Get a condom.”
I got up so he could move. His leg was still a little iffy for some positions, but ever since that night on the couch, we’d discovered sitting up worked perfectly. Hell, we’d probably keep fucking that way long after his leg healed.
Assuming I don’t say something stupid and he doesn’t want—
Stop. Just stop.
I reached for the nightstand. Oblivious to my inner thoughts, Casey sat up on the edge of the bed. Once the condom was on and lubed up, I straddled him. The position was a little precarious. With anyone else, I wouldn’t have been sure about trusting him not to let me tumble backward, but the strong arm around my waist told me I wasn’t going anywhere.
He teased me a little with lubed-up fingers, and after a few slick strokes, guided me down. He bit his lip as his dick pressed against my hole. A soft whimper escaped his throat, and it swelled to a groan as he eased inside me.
My eyes watered. I could count on one hand the number of times I’d had sex sober in the last few years, and without the alcohol to numb and relax me, the burn was intense. And I loved it. Oh Jesus, he felt amazing. As we found a slow, steady rhythm, I thought I was going to pass out from the sheer pleasure of feeling every inch of him sliding in and out.
“God, you’re so hot,” I breathed.
“So are you.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “Fuck, Logan . . .”
I rode him a little harder, loving how he felt inside me, stretching me and hitting that perfect spot just right. He lay back across the mattress, and I leaned over him, holding myself up on my arms. The view was . . . oh God. He was stunning. I loved the way his muscles stood out when he was this tense, when he was thrusting up into me.
Casey squeezed his eyes shut. Digging his fingers into my thigh, he growled, “I’m gonna come. Fuck, baby, I’m . . .”
I didn’t hear the rest over my own strangled cry as I unloaded on his smooth abs. Casey’s nails bit into my skin, and he pulled me down hard onto his cock as he arched and swore and came.
I slumped over him, and he jerked a few more times until he sighed and wrapped his arms around me.
“Holy fuck,” he slurred.
“Uh-huh.” I kissed his collarbone. “We can still do that position after your leg heals, right?”
“Fuck yeah, we can.”
“Good.” With some effort, I lifted myself off him and dropped onto the bed beside him. As the world slowed, reality crept back in, and our conversation from earlier prickled along my spine. I swallowed hard. “I’m sorry again.” I stroked his cheek. “For what I said.”
“I know.” He kissed the heel of my hand and smiled at me. “We’re cool, okay?”
I hesitated, worried he was letting me off too easily, but then he cupped the back of my head and kissed me softly.
“If we weren’t cool,” he whispered, “we wouldn’t have just fucked. I promise.”
I laughed, still a little uncertain, but slowly relaxed into his embrace. “Okay. But if we’re not, you’ll say so, right?”
“Yes. I’ll say so. Now let me get rid of this condom, and maybe we can scare up some dinner.”
As we both got up, I did feel better. Still uneasy, and I’d be watching every word that came out of my mouth for a while, but at least we’d made it back to this.
Now if I could just keep from saying something stupid again, we’d be good.
Diego frowned as he looked over the stacks of boxes in the conference room. “You’re sure you can wrap this up in time for the inspection?”
“Definitely.”
He turned to me, brow furrowed. “You can get all of this”—he gestured at the boxes—“done in two weeks?”
I nodded. “Of course. Especially with Casey helping me after hours.”
I left out the part where I probably would have been done a week ago if Casey and I hadn’t spent our evenings screwing, and if I hadn’t cut out early last Saturday because Casey and I had been shooting loaded glances over the cubicle wall. But I’d still finish the project. Yeah, we’d spent some time together that I should’ve spent reconciling records, but it was getting done and it would be finished in time.
“Okay. Well.” Diego glanced at the boxes. “Say so if you need help, all right?”
I gave him a playful salute, and he clapped my shoulder as he walked past me.
Alone in the conference room, I scanned the stacks. We were getting down to the wire, and sparks of anxiety started crackling to life along my spine.
I had this, right? I could do it?
Yes. Yes, of course I did. The department was counting on me, and my job depended on it, and under no fucking circumstances was I botching this thing.
I just . . . maybe needed to curtail my time with Casey a little bit until this was over. It was only a couple of weeks, after all. Well, a couple of weeks plus the weeklong inspection. After that, we were good to go and could make up for some lost time in bed.
I’ve got this. I’ve totally got this.
I grabbed another box off the nearest stack, hoisted it onto my shoulder, and headed back to the office.