Elsie
16:43
I hissed in pain and threw the tweezers into the sink, the blood coating them mixing with the water and creating swirls of pink marbling. Dropping the bullet that I had dug out of my gut into the small bin along with the other two, I picked up the needle and thread and started suturing the torn flesh.
I wasn’t exactly sure why I was bothering, but I didn’t fancy bleeding out in the middle of a random hotel room with no company apart from the litre bottle of expensive whisky I had treated myself to. I didn’t bother with the antibiotic shot, that definitely wouldn’t be needed. There would be no time for infection to invade my arteries before my bloodstream was decorating the concrete ceremony slab at Three Blades.
Satisfied with my sewing up, I turned on the hot tap and started to fill the tub, adding the whole bottle of complimentary bath crème – fuck it, I deserved to spoil myself. I’d never longed for a hot bath as much as I did then, even the rise of the steam gave me a sense of serenity.
16:55
Glancing at my watch once again, I pulled in a breath when my stomach sank. Why did time go speedily by when you didn’t want it to?
The last hour of my life would be spent alone. And, although, I usually loved my own company, today was not one of those days.
Ramping up the volume on my phone when Disturbed’s, The Sound of Silence started playing, I sank down under the bubbles and clenched my teeth at the sting to my wounds.
I’d taken much worse, and I told myself to man up when tears blurred my vision.
17:06
“Mmm, worth the extra few quid.” I complimented the whisky after downing a quarter of it straight from the bottle – who needed a glass?
Keeping hold of the bottle, I dangled it over the edge of the bath, rested my head on the back of the tub, and closed my tired eyes.
I couldn’t help but feel the ghost of Euan’s touch on my skin, the feeling of him sliding inside me, and the softness of his kisses on my lips. He always gazed at me as though he could see into my soul and as if the beat of my heart was the very thing keeping him alive.
A strangled sob left me when the thought of never seeing him again stung more than the fucking bullets had.
“I love you, Elsie. I won’t let anyone destroy your soul; it’s too precious.”
Why did I have to fall in love with the damned man? Everything would be so very different right now if things had gone another way. Or, if I’d just done my assignment with precision and executed him like I had supposed to, then I wouldn’t be counting down the minutes to my termination.
Wiping away the stray tear, I increased the music to its highest level, and took another long drink, praying that it did its job quickly and obliterated the mass of chaos in my head.
17:13
The whisky wasn’t working quickly enough, and the pain in my gut was becoming unbearable, so I popped a few paracetamols and took another drink.
The chill in my soul had returned, and I shivered, even in the heat of the water. I didn’t know what it was but each time Euan touched me he seemed to pour warmth into the core of my bones, melting the ice that had formed inside me many moons ago.
My mind went back to the night in the park, the night my father took his last breath, and a memory I had long forgotten trickled into my mind.
The chip butty was so good, and I took another huge bite. The heat of the chips had melted the butter, and it dribbled down my chin.
“Cunt woulda gone down, ya’ know, but you put me off me fight!” my father groused at me.
I didn’t pay attention. It was always my fault when he lost a fight, which was most nights.
“You always put me off, standing there with that wild mass of fucking hair. It’s all I can ever see out the corner of me eye, your stupid bloody mop.”
I rolled my eyes and took another yummy bite. Ernie, the guy who worked behind the bar in the pub, always felt sorry for me and slipped a couple of pounds into my hand on the sly.
My father never asked where I got the money from for the regular chip shop treats. I don’t think he cared so long as it wasn’t from him.
I winced when the back of his hand cuffed my ear. “Are ya’ listening? You’re like a fucking leech, clung to me fucking neck all the bloody time.”
“Sorry, Daddy.”
He stumbled sideways, and I snatched hold of his arm to stop him falling over.
Tears bubbled in my eyes when I looked down and saw my supper lying in the middle of a dirty puddle. My stomach rumbled in sympathy, and I swallowed back the upset, knowing I’d get another clout around the ear for blubbering.
“Shit,” he muttered when the tears I had forbidden dripped off my chin.
I turned to him and frowned when I found him looking down at the butty with a deep sorrow.
“Ya’ mamma always loved her chip butties. I remember the taste of salt on her lips after when I’d kiss her.”
It was rare for my father to be nostalgic. We never spoke about my mother, and as much as that hurt me, I knew it was because he couldn’t cope with the ache inside his tummy whenever he reminisced. The same ache I always had in my tummy when my heart missed her.
His gaze moved to mine and the wash of tears in his eyes as he looked at me hurt my heart just as much.
“It’s okay, Daddy, I was full anyway.”
He nodded and blinked back his tears, Cross Daddy back once more.
“Come on, get ya’ small legs movin’. It’s bloody freezing, and you’re slowing me down.”
I scurried behind him, shivering when we slipped through the gap in the trees and into the park. I hated it when we took the short cut through the park. It was always dark, and the overhead branches made scary shadows along the path.
I knew nothing would hurt me; my daddy said it was just my infantile mind making me a pansy, yet I couldn’t help the extra kick to my heart when we ventured further in…
I snorted at the memory. The stupid cunt should have walked the long way around that night, or heeded the warnings in my infantile mind.
17:26
My mouth dried when I checked my watch, and I pushed my weary body out of the bath, the chill in both the room and my bones generating goosebumps to break out over my skin.
Disturbed’s, Indestructible blasted through the speakers on my phone, and I sang along, refusing to allow my mind to wander to where I knew it would go.
Protecting the fresh wounds, I sealed them underneath bandages and pulled on my clothes. I sighed, looking at the holes and slashes in my favourite black jeans.
“If you weren’t lying on the top of your burnt-out limo with a hole the size of Australia in your gut, I’d demand you buy me some new clothes, Grand-daddy.” I sneered through the last word.
Emptying the last of the whisky into my belly, my vision finally starting to blur, I opened the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom.
It may have been the whisky, but it was most probably the dull thud to the back of my skull, that plunged me into a deep slumber.