Charlie
There was a secret place I went that no one knew about.
It was just five blocks from my house, just a left, a right, three streets past a stop sign and one more left turn. That’s where my spot was, and no one knew about it — not Cameron, not Reese, not my parents — no one but me.
This place was not a beautiful waterfall or a breathtaking view of the city. It was not a quiet place, nor was it a place for contemplative thinking. For all intents and purposes, I was the last person you’d expect to find in such a place, but it was my favorite one to go to on days like this — days when I needed time with myself.
It was the morning after the gala, and though it was the last place most would expect to find me, my spot was where I went.
Because this place, my spot, it was loud and full of laughter. It was a snapshot of time for so many, a little memory they’d hold onto, or perhaps one they’d forget. It housed secrets and stories, heartbreak and triumph, and joy for people of all ages.
To the average man or woman driving by, it was just a park. It was just a swing set and a jungle gym, a few picnic tables, and a statue. It was just some trees and flowers, just a place to take children, a place to keep them occupied and entertained for a short while.
But for me, that park was where I’d walk when I was pregnant with Jeremiah and Derrick.
It was where I’d sit on the same bench almost every day and imagine what it would be like to watch them play there. It was where I’d talk to them, where I’d tell them about their family, about me, about Cameron, about the town they would live in and the house they would call a home. It was where I’d close my eyes and feel the breeze in my hair, the sun on my skin, wondering which beautiful day that summer would deliver me my baby boys.
After they passed, I still came to the park.
I would sit on the same bench, though not as often as before, and I’d try to recount that joy I’d felt before. I’d watch other children play, wondering if they would have been friends with Jeremiah and Derrick, and I’d observe the parents, wondering if they would have talked to me if I had the boys by my side.
To most of the people there, I was invisible — just a lonely woman on a park bench with her head in the clouds. They likely thought I was on my lunch break, or just passing by on my way home. None of them knew that was my place, that they were just visitors, but I knew.
That park was where I first talked to my sons, the ones whom I lost, the ones whom I would never forget. It was where I talked to them after they were gone, praying they’d hear how much I missed them, and how much I loved them still.
And it was where I talked to the new baby, the one who grew inside me now, along with the hope I had that he or she would get the chance to live.
I watched a little boy wobbling his way up the stairs to one of the smaller slides, his tongue sticking out of his little mouth as he focused on his balance. The man I assumed to be his father watched him from a bench across from me, a small smirk on his face, and I found myself staring at him just as much as the boy as I rubbed my still-flat belly.
Soon, it would be round, full of life, just like it had been once before. And the little peanut that existed inside me now would grow to a peach and then to a cantaloupe and a watermelon, too. I would talk to my baby during each stage of growth, feel how he or she changed within me, and on a date yet to be determined, I would hold that baby in my arms. I would kiss their nose, their feet, their tiny little hands, and standing there beside me would be a proud, smiling man just like the one that sat across the park from me.
I just didn’t know which man that would be.
For the first time since Mallory moved away when I was just sixteen, I found myself wishing I had a friend. I wanted someone to dump my thoughts and feelings on, someone who could tell me how to detangle the absolute mess that my life had become.
I’d been so mad when Mallory moved away, so hurt by being left behind, that I’d never gotten close with anyone like that again. I had my books and my schoolwork, my parents and my volunteering — that was all enough for me. I didn’t need friends to go out and party with, or a bunch of girlfriends to have over for wine and movies. And when I met Cameron, he became my best friend.
After that, I decided I didn’t need anyone else.
But here I was, painted into a damp, dark corner with no one to help me out of it but myself.
There was only one person I could think of who would let me share my load with them, who would take my secrets to the grave as their own, and who would give me the tough love I needed — and that was Graham.
That’s why he was the first person I ever told about my spot, and the first person I ever invited to meet me there.
I saw him when he first pulled in, all alone in Mom’s car that she’d been letting him borrow since he and Christina got into town. They were leaving in a few days, and other than the hospital and one family dinner night, I’d barely seen him. Asking him to come sit at a park with me while I told him what a shit human I’d become wasn’t exactly my idea of brother/sister bonding, but it was what I needed.
And I knew Graham would always be there for me when I asked.
His eyes swept over the park, confusion on his face until I lifted a hand to wave from where I sat. He smiled then, tucking his hands in the pockets of his shorts as he made his way over.
I slid to the left side of the bench, making room for him to sit, and once he did, he let out a long breath of air.
“I gotta say, this is the last place I expected when you said you wanted me to meet you somewhere,” he said, looking up at the trees. “Looks like I can’t get coffee or booze for whatever conversation we’re about to have, huh?”
I chuckled. “Nope. Just fresh air and the sweet sound of children screaming.”
“Guess I should get used to that last one, huh?”
I smiled, tucking a strand of wind-blown hair behind my ear. “That you should, big brother.”
“At least it’s beautiful outside today,” he said, gazing out over the park.
It was a gorgeous day, spring finally blessing Pennsylvania one slow day at a time. Cold fronts still whipped through, but the sun was shining more, the temperatures peeking into the sixties and seventies. I was glad to be out of the house without a coat on, with the sun on my skin as it shone through the trees.
“How’s Christina?”
Graham kicked back more on the bench, crossing his ankles in front of us while his arms rested outstretched on the back. “She’s great, back to her normal, hormonal self — if there is such a thing. Mom’s doting on her, which she loves, and she’s had more pizza since we got home from the hospital than she did the entire time we were dating, I’m pretty sure.”
“Sounds like the life to me,” I said, squinting against a ray of sunshine peeking through the trees as I glanced at Graham. He looked so happy there on that park bench, watching the same little boy I was watching before. I wondered if he was thinking what I had the first time I’d been to the park, if he was picturing his life as a father.
“No kidding. But, I have a feeling you didn’t ask me to come here to talk about Christina,” he said, still watching the playground. “So, go ahead, little sis. Spill.”
I chewed my thumbnail, almost laughing at how easy he made it sound. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Dad always says the beginning is a good place to start.”
“Yeah, well, Dad would have a heart attack if I told him the beginning of this story — or any part of it, for that matter.”
Graham looked over at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. And I was glad I kept my gaze in my lap when the next words left his mouth.
“You’re having an affair.”
My thumb dropped from my mouth, and I gawked at my brother, at the calm, cool way he sat there and stared at me after what he’d just said.
“With Reese, right?”
My jaw dropped farther.
“It’s okay,” Graham said. “Seriously, save the time being ashamed or embarrassed or whatever and just talk to me. From the second I got into town, I’ve known something was eating you up from the inside, and as soon as I saw you and Reese in the same room together, I knew what it was.”
“How?” I asked when I finally found my voice again. “How did you know?”
Graham uncrossed his ankles, sitting up a bit. “Well, first of all, you both basically shit bricks when you saw each other. Secondly, Cameron looked like he wanted to murder Reese and you left immediately when Blake came into the room. And thirdly, you’ve had a crush on Reese since you were eight,” he said easily. “Honestly, when I found out he was back after all that time? I was worried how it would affect you.”
I shook my head, crossing my arms over my middle. “I never knew you knew I liked him.”
Graham scoffed. “Oh, come on. Everyone knew — Reese included. And he liked you, too.” Graham cracked his neck. “He just knew I’d kill him if he touched my baby sister.”
I smiled, shoving his shoulder, but then an awkward silence fell between us.
“Cameron knows,” I said. “About me and Reese. I tried to leave him, and he asked me to give him the same time I’d given Reese. He asked for two months.” I swallowed, looking back at Graham. “Today marks the end of that time.”
“Wow,” Graham said. “I can’t believe he didn’t murder Reese when he found out, but I’m not shocked he didn’t let you go right away.”
I tilted my head in question, and Graham looked at me like I was the stupid one for not seeing what he’d seen.
“Come on, Sis. I’ve never seen anyone love a woman the way Cameron loves you. It’s fierce, like a fire, and I can’t imagine any scenario where he bows out without putting up a fight.”
“Yeah, well,” I said, eyes finding a girl on the swing set. “He fought, alright. And just like I felt when Reese first got inside my head, I have no idea which way is up anymore.”
Graham was silent a moment, watching the same girl on the swing.
“So, are you supposed to make some sort of decision today?”
I nodded.
“Jesus…” Graham breathed. “Cameron I could see that from, but I’m surprised Reese waited around.”
“You’re not the only one. And honestly, I think it’s been driving him insane. I think knowing I’m with Cameron makes him crazy, so when he does get me alone, he gets so desperate for me that he loses himself.”
“That’s Reese, though, isn’t it?” Graham said. “If Cameron’s love for you is a fire, then Reese’s passion for anything he desires in life is a bomb. It’s intense, all-encompassing, and, sometimes — most times — out of his control. I mean, here is this guy who has wanted you for years, who lost his family and any semblance of home he ever knew, and he comes back to find you here married. But you let him in, you gave him a glimpse of what life could be like if you were together.” Graham shrugged. “I bet he’s clinging to that. And honestly, Charlie, from what he’s told me about his life after his family passed, I bet it’s the only ray of light he has to hold onto.”
I shut my eyes tight, letting out a long, tired breath. “There’s more.”
“More?”
I nodded, folding my hands over my stomach. “I’m pregnant.”
At that, Graham popped to sit up straight, turning to face me. “You’re… oh my God, Sis.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “I know.”
“That’s amazing,” he quickly said. “Are you… happy?”
I nodded more intensely, smiling through a laugh that could have been mistaken for a cry. “I’m so, so happy. But also terrified.”
“Because you don’t know who the dad is.”
Graham sighed, running a hand through his dark hair before sitting back on the bench again. We sat there in silence, listening to the wind rustle through the trees, both of us lost in our thoughts.
“Look, I’m not the best at advice,” Graham said after a moment. “Hell, I’m about to be a dad and I can’t even make a pancake without burning it.”
I chuckled.
“But the one thing I know after hearing what you just told me is that you can’t let the fact that you don’t know who that baby belongs to affect your decision today.”
“How?” I asked. “How could I possibly not let it affect me?”
“Regardless of which one you choose to be with, or if you choose to be completely on your own without either one of them, that baby is going to be born, and it’s going to live, and it’s going to have the happiest life any baby has ever had because you’re its mother.”
I smiled, rubbing my belly as my brother searched my eyes.
“And if you do decide to be with Cameron, or with Reese, I know without a doubt that both men would step up and be a great father right alongside you.”
“But what if I choose the man who isn’t the baby’s father,” I counteracted. “What then?”
“If you’re upfront with the man you choose, then they will have that decision to make, just like you had this one. And, if it’s the right man, then he won’t give a damn.”
I sighed, blinking away the tears. “I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe this is me, Charlie Pierce, sitting on a park bench telling her brother she had an affair and is pregnant with a baby whose dad can’t be determined.”
“Yet,” Graham said. “Can’t be determined yet. But you can take a test, Charlie. And you’ll know one day. And until then, you need to focus on what you want — on who you want. Which man do you see the rest of your life with?” He tapped my nose. “That’s what you need to figure out.”
I shook my head, my heart aching with the tear in it stretching longer and wider. “I can’t believe you didn’t berate me when I told you. I can’t believe you didn’t call me a cheating floozie.”
“Well, no one says floozie,” he said, and I laughed, shoving his shoulder again. “But also, you’re my sister, and we all make mistakes. I’m not judging you, I’m just here to listen. And to hopefully help a little.”
I sank down on the bench, resting the back of my head on the top of it as I stretched my legs out in front of me. It had to be a dream. It couldn’t possibly be my life I was talking about.
It couldn’t possibly be Charlie Pierce who was having an affair, who had to choose which man to be with and which one to break, who was pregnant by one of those men — who didn’t know which one.
But it was. I was living in what would have been a nightmare to me only months before, an unthinkable nightmare, and it was my reality now whether it was just as terrifying or not.
I rubbed my stomach, picturing a little boy who looked like Cameron, his same wide smile and sharp-edged nose. Would he play soccer, or hockey, like his dad? Would he be afraid to use his words, or would we bring him up in a loving home that showed him he could always be open and honest and communicate?
Or what if it was a girl, one who looked just like Reese — her eyes bright green, her hair long, curly, and unruly just like his. Would she play an instrument, possibly the piano, like him? Would she brighten up the world with her laughter and love? Would she be a little trouble maker, one who eventually grew to teach — just like her parents?
I smiled, still rubbing my stomach, loving both of those possibilities. I could never know which would come true, which child I would give birth to, but there was one decision I could make. There was one path in my life that I would set forth, that I would make happen — all by a choice I would make by the end of this day.
I still loved them both, Cameron and Reese, and I felt as torn between the two of them as I had before I’d even given in to Reese, at all. Maybe it was even more so, now that Cameron had opened up and let me in, now that I’d had a snapshot of what my life could be like with Reese.
How was it possible that they both loved me, that they both wanted me, desired me? They wanted me so much that they put themselves through what I imagined to be the most torturous months of their lives, knowing when I was with the other, still waiting for me, for my choice.
But, Cameron had stormed away from me last night, and we hadn’t spoken since. I hoped to see him later at the groundbreaking of Jeremiah’s new house, but I couldn’t be sure. And I had pushed Reese away, begging him for space, for time, only to discover this morning that my suspicion of being pregnant was true.
Would either of them even have me now? Now that there was more at stake, that there was an unborn baby with an unknown father… could they love me still?
Graham’s hand on mine brought me back to the park, and I sighed, squeezing his in return.
“So, did I?” he asked. “Did I help at all?”
I nodded, a slight smile on my lips before it fell away. “You did, big bro. You did.”
But the truth covered us there on that bench like a hot, weighted blanket — one too heavy to ignore.
I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and I could torture myself with thoughts and memories, with my “what ifs” and “almosts,” but I still had a decision to make.
I still had a heart to break.
And no one could help me now.