Reese
I hadn’t slept in days.
It was the day of the conference, and I was supposed to be a representative of our school. I was supposed to be on my A game, the best of the best, and I looked like I got jumped in an alley last night. My eyes were heavy and lined in purple, my hair a mess no matter how I tried to style it.
I should have gotten rest. I should have been more prepared for today.
But how could I sleep knowing I had to wait to get Charlie alone, knowing she was going home to Cameron every night…
Knowing something had changed.
As if the weekend hadn’t been bad enough with Charlie being on some sort of trip with Cameron, it had been even worse once she’d returned. Because she was different that Friday afternoon she left school than she was Monday morning when she returned.
Before she left, it had been like she was dreading the trip. I knew she would stay with me, if she could, if she hadn’t promised him she would go with him wherever it was he asked her to go. But when she came back, I knew it was as a different woman. Her eyes were lighter, her smile wide, her laugh spritely and easy.
Something had happened. Cameron had made a move. And I knew I wouldn’t have a chance to make mine until the conference.
So, I’d waited, three long days, just trying to bide my time until today. I’d somehow managed to talk her into having lunch with me yesterday, to go over the conference, and that little nibble of cheese was all I had.
And he stole it away.
Seeing him at Westchester, in a place that belonged to me and Charlie, it was like watching a concert where the lead band had stolen all my songs and claimed them as their own.
That was our place. Cameron already got to have Charlie every night at home, and now he had crossed over into my territory, into the one place where I had her without him. But as much as it ticked me off, it also reassured me that though he was trying, he still didn’t know Charlie like I did.
She’d only told me once what her favorite flower was — sixteen years ago, on her fourteenth birthday, when I’d given her a notebook with daisies on it.
I’d never forgotten, and he had.
It didn’t seem like a big deal at first glance. It was just flowers, just one small detail. But that’s the way I loved Charlie — completely, with every fiber of my being. I loved her with every memory in my heart, with every song in my soul, and maybe Cameron had loved her that same way once before.
But where his love had faded, mine hadn’t — not even when I’d never really had her as my own.
That was what I held onto as I tried and failed to sleep, knowing I would see her today, knowing I would finally get her alone.
Blake handed me my bag after I shrugged on a light coat, and she sighed when I opened the front door.
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” she said, running a hand through her long, messy hair before tucking her arms around her middle. “Not that I’m not ecstatic they chose you to attend in your first semester, but selfishly, I’ll miss you.”
My throat thickened. “I’ll miss you, too. But I’ll be back Sunday.”
“Seems so far away.”
“You’ll blink and I’ll be here again,” I assured her, leaning in for a hug. She snuck up on her toes and pressed a kiss to my lips before I could stop her, but I broke it quickly.
“I should get going.”
“Hey,” she said, pulling my arm to stop me before I could make it through the door. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve seemed so… distant, lately.”
I swallowed. “I’m good. Just have a lot on my mind with the conference and all.”
She nodded. “Yeah, I get that. It’s a lot of pressure as a new teacher, I’m sure.” Then, her lips curved into a seductive smile, and she trailed her fingertips over my bicep. “Are you sure you don’t want me to help relieve a little of that pressure?”
My stomach rolled, Charlie’s face when I told her about me and Blake sleeping together just once flashing in front of my eyes. That pain she’d worn would haunt me forever, and I vowed to never be the one to put it there, again.
“I really have to get going, Blake.”
“It won’t take long. You know how quick we can be when we want to be.”
She licked her lips, and I peeled her off me, clearing my throat.
“Save that energy for when I get back, okay?” I said, praying I could just buy some time. I’d fake sick when I got back if I had to, but I knew one thing was for sure — I wouldn’t touch Blake again.
I wouldn’t betray Charlie.
“Have a good weekend,” I offered as I wiggled past her, jogging down the porch steps.
“You, too,” she said on a sigh.
I felt her eyes on me the entire walk to my car.
Once I was out of our neighborhood, I turned the radio off and ran through the words I would say to Charlie.
The last time I’d seen her, we’d fought. She wasn’t happy with me, and I couldn’t blame her. But the whole thing was just so… messy. It was complicated. Charlie of all people should understand that. I just needed to get her alone, talk to her without all the chaos surrounding us.
A beach in Miami seemed like the perfect place to do it.
I couldn’t help but feel like I was losing her, and that feeling was strengthened when I pulled into her driveway and she made her way to my car. She didn’t look excited to be going to the conference, and she definitely didn’t seem happy at the sight of me.
Her long hair was pulled into a high bun, her eyes level, plump lips in a flat line as she dragged her suitcase down the driveway. I jumped out to take it from her, but she stopped me short.
“Don’t.”
I paused in front of her, hands up, and she moved around me to lug her suitcase into my trunk before slamming it shut. I opened her car door for her and she slid inside the passenger side seat without so much as a glance in my direction.
But someone else was staring at me.
Cameron stood in the doorway, his arms crossed as he leaned against one side of it and watched me make my way to my side of the car. I stared back, gaze unwavering.
The way he wore a cocky smirk told me he thought he’d won. It was the same smile I’d worn when he’d been at school the day before, except mine had been more like defensive armor than anything I was actually sure of. The truth was, I’d been scared shitless when I saw him in her room.
Something had changed. Cameron had made a move. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I had my work cut out for me to bring Charlie back to me.
He thought I was out of the picture, my bridge burned, my chance shattered.
But he had years of mistakes to make up for, and I only had one.
He underestimated me, but I only smiled back, because the truth was it was better that way.
I wanted him to think I was easy competition, that I’d fade off without putting up any kind of fight. Because what he failed to see was this had nothing to do with him. I didn’t give a shit about him. It was Charlie I cared for, and her happiness.
Only now, I knew I could make her happier than him, that I could treat her better, and I wouldn’t stop until she was mine.
I cocked one brow in Cameron’s direction before opening my door to slide inside. Charlie still didn’t look at me, not after I shut the door and not after I put the car in drive. Her eyes were on her husband.
I had to make her see.
He was only fighting for her because he lost her in the first place, but he didn’t love her like I did.
No one loved her like I did. No one ever would.
She watched him until he was out of her sight, then her eyes found the road, and a deafening silence fell over us.
“I don’t know about you,” I said once we were clear of her house. “But I am beyond ready for sunshine and drinks on the beach.”
“We’ll be inside the hotel almost the entire time,” she said, her expression blank as she stared out the front window.
“Not the whole time. We have breaks. And Saturday, the conference ends at noon, and we have the whole rest of the day and that night before we leave Sunday.”
“Yeah, well, the beach isn’t really my thing.”
I sighed, reaching a hand over for hers, but she leaned away from the touch.
“Come on, Charlie,” I pleaded. “We have an entire weekend away together. Alone…” I glanced at the road before reaching over farther to place my hand on her knee. “Don’t spend it being mad at me.”
“How’s Blake?”
She whipped around to face me with that question, her lips pursed, and I swallowed at the way her eyes bore holes into mine.
“Honestly?” I asked. “Not good. Her dad’s tests came back this weekend. The tumor is cancerous, and it’s terminal.”
Charlie’s eyes softened, just the tiniest bit, and she turned back to the window with her arms crossed tight over her chest.
Saying the words out loud hurt me more than when I’d heard Blake say them.
But I had to tell Charlie, I had to let her in on the full situation so she would understand. No, I hadn’t been honest about Blake, and yes, I had fucked up by sleeping with her.
Just like Charlie was giving Cameron time, I needed her to do the same for me. Blake needed me, and I could be there for her as a friend without crossing any lines — but Charlie had to trust me.
And I knew I didn’t deserve that trust from her, not when I’d already betrayed it.
“It’s complicated, Charlie,” I said after a moment. “I told you that. But I made good on my promise to you. I haven’t touched her since that day, and I won’t again. I’m just trying to help her through this time, okay? And I’m going to tell her about you. About us. Just let me decide when that time is right.” I paused. “Give me the time that I’m giving you with Cameron.”
She scoffed. “Whatever.”
My fists tightened around the steering wheel. I ran through all the words I’d wanted to say to her, but none of them felt adequate. She hated me, and she wasn’t going to let me in — not yet.
I had to figure out a way to break through.
But every rational thought was sucked out into the cool March air when she kicked open her door at the airport, not even looking at me as the last words I expected flew from her mouth.
“I slept with him.”
Then, she slammed her door, yanked her bag from the trunk, and made her way into the airport without checking to see if I followed.
Charlie
My mom used to say to me, “Be careful what you wish for.”
I never understood it, not until I wished for nothing but chocolate one year for Christmas. My parents delivered, as did “Santa” and my grandparents. I had more chocolate than I knew what to do with, and I ate as much of it as I could in one sitting.
Then, I got violently ill.
I still remember sleeping in the bathroom, hugging onto the toilet and telling my mom I never wanted to taste chocolate ever again. I begged her to take what I had left and give it away, and she’d just chuckled, reminding me of that warning she’d given.
“Be careful what you wish for.”
That lesson came back into my mind as I glanced over to where Reese sat, across the room from me. I didn’t understand how he could look so artistically beautiful, even under the horrid fluorescent lights of the conference ballroom. It was like resisting chocolate, trying not to stare at him, but it didn’t really matter — because his eyes hadn’t found mine since the car ride to the airport yesterday.
It didn’t matter that our hotel rooms were right next to each other, or that we’d been in several of the same small group break-out sessions, or that we’d been at the same dinner and the same after-party. Reese had avoided me every minute of the conference so far, and from the outside, it looked like he was having the time of his life.
Everyone loved him after just day one, which was a half day, and I couldn’t blame them. He was charming, lively, the life of the party even at a conference.
He made everyone laugh — except for me.
As if his thoughtful insight and perfect comical timing during the conference wasn’t enough, he was the center of attention at the mixer last night, too. He even played the keyboard at the little beach bar we all ended up at, with everyone gathered around him and singing along.
It wasn’t even nine before I skipped out of the event, no longer wanting to be in the same room with him — especially since it seemed like he’d completely forgotten I existed.
I’d told him about Cameron because I knew it’d piss him off, and I’d been right.
I’d wanted him to leave me alone, and he had.
But now, all I wanted was to get inside his head, to know what he was thinking.
It was immature and childish, pushing his buttons just to get a rise out of him. It was the same game I’d played with Cameron the night I’d gone out to happy hour and stayed out late. I’d wanted his attention, and it took drastic measures to get it.
But with Reese, he had wanted to give me his attention — and he’d wanted mine, in return. But I was still pissed over Blake, and betrayed, and hurt. He had apologized, offered to tell me more, begged me for understanding — and all I’d done was act like the eight year old I was when I first realized I had a crush on him.
I think in a way, I thought I really did want him to leave me alone. After my weekend with Cameron, I was on a high with him. I wanted to give him my full attention, and Reese would have blocked that. So, I’d tried to push him away, to make him angry.
And I’d succeeded.
Still, though I’d had an amazing weekend with Cameron, and I was happy he was seeing a therapist, I still felt like we were standing on a broken bridge. There were still scars we shared, ones that hadn’t healed — ones we hadn’t even talked about. He was trying, and so was I, but it didn’t change the way I felt for Reese.
Reese drove me mad. He got under my skin the way only someone you love more than the oxygen you need to breathe can. He pushed me to limits I never knew existed, and he showed me a life I never imagined I could have — a love I never imagined I could feel.
He made me irrational, and yet, I wanted him.
But I’d pushed him away.
Was this it? Was it over?
Be careful what you wish for.
“Alright, everyone. That wraps us up for today,” Cindy, our moderator, announced after the last keynote speaker. “We’ll have a break for dinner on your own and then there is an optional mixer at Hulligan’s, the same place as last night. Beach gear encouraged.”
Everyone clapped before the room erupted into a mixture of conversation and laughter. I packed up my bag in silence, smiling at a few people I’d met that day before waving goodbye and excusing myself upstairs to my room.
My phone rang as I stepped off the elevator on our floor, and I swallowed at the sight of Cameron’s face on the screen. It was a photo I’d snapped at the park downtown one afternoon years ago. His aviator sunglasses reflected the Pittsburgh skyline, the sun bright behind it, and his laughing smile took up his entire face. He had just a hint of stubble, my favorite length, and I remembered that moment like it had just happened.
With a tap of my finger, the picture disappeared, the call ignored.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to Cameron, but more that I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
After our weekend together, everything at home had been perfect. I felt Cameron again, the old Cameron, the one I fell in love with and married, the one I built that home with so long ago. We cooked together twice before I left for the conference, both nights filled with laughter and wine. He had surprised me at school, bringing me flowers and taking me out to lunch. And in Cameron fashion, he had taken care of my car when the check engine light came on — just so I wouldn’t have to.
Even more than all that, he was talking to me — maybe more than he ever had.
By all counts, he was giving me what I’d always wanted.
But there was still one thing we hadn’t discussed.
Her.
I shook off the thought as my phone buzzed in my hand, just as I slid my key card against the entry pad and slipped inside my room. I dropped my bag on the chair by the desk before sliding the message open.
- I know you’re busy with the conference. Just wanted to check in on you. Hope you’re having fun. -
I sighed, flopping down on the bed and kicking my heels off.
- It’s very fun, but lots of people-ing. You know that’s my favorite. -
- Oh boy. Forced conversation. Sounds like a blast. -
I smiled at his text, watching the little bubbles bounce beneath it as he typed out another.
- Well, I’ll leave you to it. Was just thinking of you. I miss you. -
My heart twisted, one hand moving to press against that spot in my chest where the ache was most present. It seemed to be almost a permanent ache now, between Cameron and Reese.
- I miss you, too. Talk soon. -
My stomach growled as I tossed my phone face down on the comforter, and I frowned, debating my options for sustenance. Reese would be joining a big group for dinner, no doubt, networking the way I should have been. But now that I was in my room after a full day of talking and listening to presentations, the last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone else.
So, I flopped on my stomach, reaching for the phone to dial room service. Once I’d ordered, I stripped out of my dress, ran the hottest shower I could manage, and pulled out my laptop to go through my notes from the day.
When I opened the first document, my computer warned me of low battery, so I hopped up to dig through my bag for my charger. It was at the very bottom, the head of it stuck under my books. I yanked, and when I pulled it free, I cringed at the sight of wires poking through the white protective tubing.
“Shit.”
I plugged it in, anyway, finagling the wire after it was connected to my computer to see if I could get it in a spot to charge. I twisted the wires left and right, pinched them together at different areas, and even tried using a Band-Aid to fuse the tubing back together, but it was no use.
A frustrated huff left my lips as I debated my options.
Some would have taken it as a sign to go out after dinner, to be social, but even the thought of being around people made me want to shove my head in an oven.
I could run out to the store, I thought, but that would require putting on pants — and that sounded even worse than talking to people.
There was one easy way to get a charger, though “easy” was a relative term. I knew Reese had the same laptop, and his room was just next door. He’d definitely be out for the night, the charger of no use to him. All I had to do was ask.
And my pride hated that.
“Ugh,” I groaned, but I rolled myself out of bed, anyway, not even bothering to put on shoes before I slung my door open. I propped it open with the lock at the top, blowing out a long breath as I knocked on Reese’s door next.
It didn’t occur to me that I maybe should have stopped to put on clothes — not until the exact moment Reese opened his door.
The cool air from inside his room rushed through my still-damp hair, and Reese just stood there, his eyes hard on mine before they slowly made their way down to my robe. He focused on the knot I’d tied at my waist, the one at the bottom of the V the robe left between my breasts, before his gaze drifted down again, to my bare legs. The ends of my robe didn’t quite connect at the bottom, and that left him a view of my thigh, still glistening as it dried from my shower.
I pulled those ends together, clearing my throat as my cheeks heated. “Can I borrow your laptop charger?”
Reese’s eyes were still stuck on the point where I held my robe together. His jaw clenched, and he tightened his hold on the door knob before finally finding my gaze.
“For tomorrow?”
“No, for tonight. I just wanted to go through my notes for the day, and my charger broke. Can I borrow yours?”
He didn’t answer, his eyes taking in my wet hair now — hair that was down and hanging over my shoulders.
“I’ll give it back,” I added. “The charge should be enough to get me through the day tomorrow and I’ll go to the store when we get home.”
Reese still stared at me, a small smirk climbing on his face as he pushed the door open wider and stepped aside for me to come in.
I opened my mouth to argue, to say I could just wait there while he got the charger, but the way he lifted one brow told me that wasn’t an option. So, I stepped inside, staying close to the door once it had closed behind us.
“You’re not going out for dinner?” he asked, crossing the room to where his backpack rested on the desk. He was already changed for the night, sporting casual, baby blue shorts and a white dress shirt that had the top three buttons undone. The sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and a beige blazer was thrown over the edge of his bed — an accessory I assumed would top off his look.
“I ordered room service.”
Reese glanced at me, that same smirk on his stupid face as he shook his head and dug through his bag. “You should come out.”
“I’m okay. Thanks.”
The entire room smelled like him. He was freshly showered, his long hair a little damp at the ends, too, and he wore the same cologne I remembered him wearing the night we went up the Incline. I remembered that scent enveloping me as I broke in his arms, as I showed him my scars, and that same scent dusted the sheets of the fort we built in his home.
“What about after?” he asked, crossing the room to where I stood. He held the charger in his hand, but he made no attempt to give it to me. “You coming down to the beach?”
“I told you,” I said, swallowing at his nearness. “The beach isn’t really my thing.”
Reese stepped into my space even more. “Okay.”
He offered me the charger, his eyes watching me over the bridge of his nose. I swallowed, reaching for the white cord, but before I could pull away, his hand tightened over mine.
“So, is this it?”
My eyes flicked to where his hand gripped mine before I found his gaze again.
“This is the end? You’re staying with Cameron, and I can just fuck off?”
“Reese…” I shook my head, eyes dropping to the floor between us.
“Just answer me.”
“I don’t have an answer,” I said honestly, my voice squeaking at the top of the confession. “And I didn’t say it was over. I just… I told you I slept with him. I wanted to be honest.”
Reese’s jaw flexed at the reminder of what I’d done, and he took another step, just centimeters between us now.
“You slept with him,” he repeated. “Knowing that… hearing you say those words… it kills me, Charlie. It makes me want to murder him.”
“That’s not fair.”
“I never said it was,” he answered quickly. “But it’s the truth.”
Tears pricked the edges of my eyes, but I forced a breath, keeping them inside.
“I still love him,” I whispered.
Reese swallowed. “So, does that mean you don’t want me?”
My eyes traveled up until they met his chest, and I watched his breaths enter and leave, the speed of them matching that of my heart.
“You don’t care about me?” he pushed further, his hand letting go of where it held the charger and mine. He moved it to frame my jaw instead, thumb tracing the skin there, his breath hot on my lips. “And everything we had, everything you felt with me…” he said. “You don’t feel that anymore?”
“I…”
I couldn’t answer, the words stuck like feathers in honey somewhere inside my throat. My head spun, the smell of him too much, the feel of his hand on me making me weak.
“And this…” he continued, his free hand trailing up the edges of my robe that lined the middle of my body. He pushed them aside gently, his finger just barely grazing the bottom of my breast as I inhaled a stiff breath. “This doesn’t make you feel anything at all?”
“Reese…”
“Say my name one more time, and this robe will be on the floor.”
I bit my lip, squeezing my eyes as my body screamed under his touch. He’d barely even brushed my skin and I was already on fire, writhing for oxygen.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” he probed, and this time, his finger trailed up just enough to graze my pebbled nipple.
“Yes, I still want you,” I panted. “But I’m just… I’m confused. I need some space, some time.”
“I don’t want space.” He rolled the pad of his thumb over my nipple, his hand slipping all the way under my robe to grip my breast firmly. “And we don’t have time.”
“Reese…”
And just as he promised, my robe was on the floor in a snap.
He tugged one end of the loose knot I’d tied under my breasts, and the moment the robe wasn’t between us any longer, he pulled me flush against him, his lips finding mine in a heated frenzy.
I gasped into his open mouth, but his tongue snuck inside in the next breath, and before I could register what had happened, my feet were off the ground. Reese pushed me against the wall, his hands pinning my hips against it as he kissed down my neck, sucking the skin between his teeth hard enough to leave marks.
Hissing, I arched off the wall and into his touch, the overwhelming feel of him taking me under like a tidal wave. I didn’t gasp for air, didn’t beg for oxygen — I simply let the wave take me down, down to hell, down to where my favorite sinner waited with open arms.
“You drive me absolutely crazy, you know that?” Reese growled, pressing the hard-on straining through his shorts against my naked core. The friction sparked a fire, and I whimpered, rolling my hips against him.
Reese hadn’t touched me since the night of the spring concert, since he’d made me come for him in the costume closet. I’d had to be quiet then, but as Reese slipped a finger inside me, the loudest moan ripped from my throat. He groaned, withdrawing his finger before sliding it in again.
“So tight.” He murmured against my lips, and he kissed me harder as he slid another finger in to join the first.
My hands pressed hard into the wall, trying to find something to grip as he pinned me there. Every sound was muted other than his breaths, his eyes all I could see, his hands all I could feel. Just like the first time he’d touched me, Reese overwhelmed every sense, demanding all of me.
Memories of the fort flashed behind my eyes, the feel of him touching me on his piano, the way he’d stretched me open more than once that night. And I wished it was only lust. I wished it was only his body that made me feel this way.
But it was him.
It was the lost boy I wanted to save when I was younger, the man I wanted to find home in now. It was the way he listened to me, the way he knew exactly what to say, the way he understood what I never had to explain.
Reese was my jagged little pill, one I wanted to swallow eagerly.
But unlike that first night Reese had touched me, Cameron still lived within my heart tonight, too. And it was the flash of his smile in the car on the way to Garrick that zapped me back to reality.
“Stop,” I said, eyes popping open as I pressed my hands into Reese’s chest.
He pulled back, smirking before his lips found mine again. He thought it was a game, a sexy round of cat and mouse. But I had to get out. I had to get air.
I had to get space.
“NO!”
This time, I pushed hard enough for his grip to weaken, and he dropped me gently to the floor with his face screwed up in confusion.
“Are you okay? I was just—”
“I have to go.”
“Charlie.”
I scrambled for my robe at his feet, tucking it haphazardly around me and fumbling with the door knob until I finally yanked it open.
“Charlie, wait!”
But I was already in the hall, and in the next instant, I pushed through my room door, slapping the lock stopper out of the way and shutting the door firmly behind me. I fell against it, my breaths erratic, and I jumped when Reese knocked.
“Come on, Charlie. Let me in,” he begged, his voice muffled through the door. “Talk to me, for Christ’s sake.”
I backed away, still watching the door like he’d somehow find a way inside.
“He doesn’t love you,” he said after a moment. “Not the way I do. I know you know that. He’s inside your head, your heart, but only because he lost you. It took that — losing you — for him to wake up and try to be what you deserve, Charlie.”
He paused, and I stared at the peep hole on the door, wondering what he looked like in that moment.
“He’s giving you everything right now, and I’m sure he’s making you feel more than you have in years. But he’s only making you feel that way because he wants you to stay. The question is, will he still make you feel this way, will he still treat you the same once he has you again?”
An ache surged through me, and I closed my eyes tight against the tears that threatened to fall.
I thought he was done, but Reese lowered his voice a little more before he asked just one final question.
“If you stay, and he goes back to the husband you’ve had for the past five years, will it be enough?”
My face warped, fighting against the emotion building in me. I felt Reese on the other end of the door, begging me to open it for him, but after a moment, I heard a sigh before his door opened and closed with a soft latch.
I cried, falling to the floor with my hands still clutching my robe as I tried to catch my breath. My heart thumped loudly in my ears where my head hung between my shoulders, each beat separating another thought as they ripped through me.
Thump.
What is wrong with me?
Thump.
Who have I become?
Thump.
What the hell do I do now?
And between those thoughts, I asked myself the same question as Reese.
“If you stay, and he goes back to the husband you’ve had for the past five years, will it be enough?”
It was the only question I knew the answer to.