Tinsley
I open my eyes and roll to my side, my heart clenching at the empty spot beside me. Tears fill my eyes as an unbearable agony consumes everything inside me. That spot will never be filled again. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. My hand caresses his cold pillow. I swear I can actually feel my heart shattering in my chest. The tears are flowing down my cheeks now. I bury my head in my pillow and scream. The pain. I don’t know how I am going to survive this. Sami and this baby need me, but I don’t think I can live without him. A soft knock sounds on my door and I roll over, not even bothering to wipe my eyes. I can’t hide this pain no matter how hard I try. It’s just too great. The door eases open and Kassidy comes in, her eyes are red and puffy. She’s wearing a black dress and it reminds me what today is. Today I have to bury my husband. The love of my life. The father of my children.
“Hi, babe,” Kassidy says, her tone gentle, full of worry and concern. I don’t speak. I can’t. The only thing that comes out are sobs and cries. Kassidy being the amazing friend she is knows and understands this, and she doesn’t expect anything from me. For the last few days, everyone has been here. Noah, Kassidy, and Dahlia, who is as much of a mess as I am. Noah and Kas have been taking care of us both. Sami is still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. She’s so young and can’t grasp the fact that he’s gone forever.
Walking over to the closet, Kassidy pulls out my black dress and matching shoes. “You need to take a shower and get dressed,” she says, hanging the dress on the back of the closet door and placing the shoes on the floor underneath. She walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower. “We have to leave in an hour. Noah has some breakfast made downstairs.” She pins me with a glare. “You will eat something. It’s going to be a long day.” Before leaving the room, she yanks the blankets away from my body.
Once I’m showered and dressed, I make my way downstairs. Everything I do feels like it’s in slow motion. It’s as if all of this is just a very bad dream and I’m going to wake up at any moment. I drink some coffee and eat a piece of toast—enough to make Kas happy and keep her off my ass. The longer I sit here, the harder it is to keep from screaming. Everyone’s eyes are always on me, like they are just waiting for me to losing my mind. I can’t take much more of this. I get up from my chair.
“We better get going. I’ll be in the car,” I call over my shoulder as I walk out of the kitchen, grabbing my jacket from the coat rack on my way out the door. The frigid air feels good on my heated skin. Looking up to the sky, I inhale through my nose and let the air wash over and through me. Finally, out here, away from all the concerned stares, I can breathe.
“Are you okay?” Noah asks from behind me, and my blood boils from his question. I spin around to face him, ready to spew all my rage at him, but bite my tongue before the first word can form. His eyes are red and tear stained. I know this is hard on him too. He lost his best friend, his brother. But right now, I can’t seem to give a damn about anyone else’s feelings. My grief is all consuming, and it’s making me numb to everyone around me.
“No! I’m not okay! Nothing is okay anymore and it never will be again!” I scream. My heart is broken—I’m broken. Noah wraps his strong arms around me as I sob into his chest. I’m not angry at him and I feel guilty for yelling at him, but I just can’t stop myself. The person I’m really angry with isn’t here. Why did he stop for coffee? Why did he go back in alone after getting Fred out of the store? Why the fuck did he let himself get shot? I’m not being rational. My head knows this. But my heart is too shattered to get the message. I lift my head. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you,” I whimper.
“I know. It’s okay. I understand. I’m angry with him too,” he soothes as he pulls me back to him. For a brief moment, his words make me feel a little better. When I hear the door open behind us, I pull away and wipe the tears from my eyes. Sami runs to me and wraps her tiny little arms around my waist. Her head rests against my belly where her baby brother or sister is growing, and my heart breaks even more if that’s possible. This beautiful little girl has lost her father and she’s comforting me. She is so much like him—always concerned about others before themselves.
We all pile into Noah’s SUV and start off for the cemetery. The ride is short and it doesn’t take long before the old cemetery comes into view. My heart pounds in my chest as we get closer. The cemetery sits on the far edge of town on a beautiful hillside. The marble and granite headstones stand tall in neat rows. I try to swallow past the lump that forms in my throat when I see the black awning set up in the back. Along the asphalt drive, sheriff cruisers are lined up on both sides. Men and women in uniform are scattered around. I find myself searching for Damien out of habit. Kassidy lays her hand on mine and it startles me. I look over, and she gives me a weak smile. “I’m right here. Whatever you need,” she whispers, and I nod.
The priest is speaking, but his words come out garbled, unintelligible to my ears. I am sitting in the front row with the ornate white casket just two feet in front of me and can’t seem to take my eyes away from it. Knowing Damien is lying in there cold and alone makes me ache. I want to go to him. To throw open the lid and hold him in my arms. Beg him to come back to me—to us. People around me begin to stand, but I stay rooted to my seat, still staring. One by one, mourners place red roses on the casket and offer condolences as they pass by, but I never take my eyes from where Damien lays. When everyone has walked away, I stand and walk over to the casket. I slowly run my hand along its slick surface.
“I can’t go on without you,” I whisper. “I need you. Sami needs you.” I begin to cry softly as I rest my head against the top of the casket and sob. The thought of never being comforted again in the safety of his strong arms tears me apart.
“Tin, it’s okay. I’m right here.” Damien’s voice sounds through my head and I squeeze my eyes harder, knowing I’m imagining it, but it’s so comforting, I don’t want it to go away. I miss his voice. “Baby, I’m right here. It’s just a dream. Wake up.” I’m losing my mind. It’s official. I cry even harder, wishing those words were true.
I feel a warm hand on top of mine and my eyes fly open as I jump to a stand. Blinking, I look around, trying to regain my sense surroundings and misplaced reality. Damien lays there in a hospital bed, hooked up to beeping machines. He’s smiling. Rushing to him, I place my hands on his cheeks. I need to feel him, make sure he’s real. It takes me a moment, but I finally wake up completely and realize it was all a horrible dream. Everything comes back to me. The phone call from Noah two days ago while he followed the ambulance to the hospital telling me Damien had been shot.
“I love you so much. I was dreaming I lost you,” I cry as I plant my lips on his. My dream was so real and terrifying, my heart still aches. If losing him in a dream hurt that badly, I wouldn’t be able to bear it in real life. “It was so real.” He caresses my face, tears filling his eyes.
“I love you too. I’m right here. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m so sorry I scared you, baby,” he says through his tears. Sliding over in the bed, he pats the empty spot next to him. I shake my head no. “You won’t hurt me, Tin. I need you to feel me.” Giving in I carefully slide into bed beside him, trying to be mindful of the tubes and lines all over the place. Gently, I lay my head on his chest. His arm lightly caresses my back and my pulse finally calms. It was all just a dream. He’s here and he’s going to be okay.