Chapter 28
catherine
I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up for hours, lying on my back, watching the moonlight shift over the ceiling mural.
Every option seemed like a possibility. Go to him. Risk everything. Undo the damage of the past thirteen years. It seemed so easy.
The other option, stay in Barrington. I’d found meaning in being needed and loved. The rewards of my efforts. Stay for the people who need me most. Let them take care of me.
As the night went on, shades of both options appeared. Tell Chris he had to stay here part time. Take Harper with us. Sell the last of everything and put it back into the community and split. Tell Chris maybe. Tell him I wanted more time.
Yes to all. Yes to some, no to some. I wasn’t used to weighing so many options and internal negotiations. I didn’t feel capable of handling it.
I am a grown woman.
Those five words came to me about two in the morning. I rolled them around in my head.
I am a grown woman.
I am a young woman.
I can do anything I want.
I am trapped.
I am free.
I am ashamed that people will
know what he does to me.
I am a grown woman.
I am afraid to leave here.
I am afraid to stay.
I want him.
I want him.
He’ll hurt me. He’s hurt me already.
This is a game to him.
This is a game to him.
You’ll give up everything you work for,
and for what?
Mommy and Daddy won’t
love me anymore.
They’re long gone.
Does he still love me?
Do I still love him?
What’s it like to not love him?
I am a grown woman.
I know my own mind.
I know my own heart.
I’ll do what I want.
I’ll take my own risks.
I will own my own failings.
I’m terrified.
I can do what I want, and he
can join me in that or not.
He’s a grown man.
I don’t have to love him,
not now, not ever.
I can just do what I want.
You’re scaring me.
What will I do if I am left alone again?
What’s going to happen to me?
This can’t happen again.
Do you understand?
This cannot happen again.
It might happen again.
You can’t let it.
I can’t control him.
And it might not be him to
blame in the end.
He might be offering something I don’t want.
Do you blame me for being scared?
Do you blame me for wanting to run away?
What if this happens again?
I’ll take care of you.