KYLE

“Are you ready?” Laurie squeezed my hand as we stood on the doorstep of the small house.

“As I’ll ever be,” I whispered, rocking on the balls of my feet, trying to ignore the giant knot in my stomach.

The door swung open and Kiera’s eyebrow shot up to her hairline with surprise. As if she hadn’t actually expected me to show. Clearly, I needed to remind her that when I made a promise, I kept it. She stepped aside, pulling the door wider, and I looked inside.

“Kyle, it’s... it’s you,” the woman before me gasped, reaching out for me even though I was standing in the doorway and she was seated on the couch. “You came, you really came.”

Kiera shifted awkwardly, motioning for us to go inside. When I didn’t move, Laurie held my hand tightly, pulling me with her. “Hi, Ms. Lessinger. It’s really nice to meet you. I’m Laurie, Kyle’s girlfriend.”

She beamed. Maria—my mom—actually beamed. “It’s so lovely to meet you. Kiera’s told me all about you.”

My eyes snapped over to my sister’s and she ducked her head avoiding my assessing gaze. Something told me she hadn’t been entirely upfront with her mom about everything. But I wasn’t here to cause issues.

“Come in, please. I have cookies. It isn’t much, but I baked them myself.” She got up and moved over to the small kitchenette. “I didn’t want to have nothing to offer you.”

“We’re good, we ate on the—” Laurie elbowed me hard in the ribs and I coughed.

“We’d love one, thank you. It’s very kind of you.” She released my hand and helped herself to a cookie. “You have a lovely home.”

Maria tucked her dark hair behind her ear and blushed. “It’s not much. I’ve been working real hard to save up the deposit for something better, but money doesn’t grow on trees around here.”

Wasn’t that the truth. The whole neighborhood was run down. As I ran my eyes around the place, I could see it was well kept. Tidy and clean. But it was barely bigger than the pool house.

“I’d offer to give you the grand tour but there’s really not much to see.” Maria let out a strangled laugh and Kiera muttered something under her breath.

“We’re not here to judge,” I said before I could stop myself.

“How honorable of you.”

“Kiera.” Maria warned. “Don’t be so rude.”

“Kyle didn’t mean any offense, Kiera. He has this excellent way of always putting his foot in his mouth. It can get a little embarrassing.”

Thank fuck she was good at this. Laurie slotted straight in. Me, on the other hand, didn’t know where to look or what to say. My sister managed a half-smile but when her eyes caught mine over Laurie’s shoulder, her permanent scowl slammed back into place.

“Kiera, why don’t you show Laurie your music collection?”

“But, Mom,” she started to protest, but Laurie jumped in. “That sounds like a great idea. I love music.”

With a frustrated groan, Kiera motioned down the hall and the two of them disappeared, taking the air with them.

“Can I get you a drink, Kyle?”

“I don’t suppose you’d let me have a beer?” A frown crossed her forehead, and I rushed out, “Joke. I’m joking.”

I wasn’t. But she didn’t need to know that.

“Soda would be good, please.”

She got me a soda from the refrigerator and handed it to me, her fingers lingering close to mine. “Thank you, for coming. It means—”  

“Yeah, well, my girlfriend can be pretty insistent.” I glanced down the hall.

“She seems very lovely.”

“She is,” I said. “One day I’m going to marry her.” I met Maria’s eyes and smiled weakly. It was the last thing I expected to pour from my mouth but now the words were there, between us. She probably thought I was insane.

So it caught me by surprise when she said, “They say when you know, you know.”

“What? No, 'you’re too young' speech?” My brows quirked up as Maria led me to the pale couch.

“Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you don’t know what you want,” she said, surprising me. “Besides, have you met Kiera? Something tells me the two of you are more alike than you realize.”

I rolled my lips together, unsure of how to answer that. When I didn’t fill the heavy silence, Maria said, “I suppose you have questions?”

I did. A boatload. But since stepping into this room they’d all evaporated, rendering me a bumbling mess. I don’t know what I’d expected, but everything about this was awkward. 

“It’s okay,” Her voice was so calm. “I didn’t expect this to be easy. I can talk if you’d like? There are things I’d like to say to you.”

I nodded, too choked to speak if I’d wanted to.

“I’ve struggled with my addiction since I was in college. After I had Kiera, I wanted to get clean, to be the mom I couldn’t be to you. Her dad, Joe, was a solid guy. He stuck by me and refused to let me fall. Picked me up whenever I did. And for a while things were good.

“I thought about you a lot. What you were doing, what you looked like. Whether you’d grown out of your father’s image. But I’d given him my word that I wouldn’t come back. So I didn’t. And deep down, I knew it was probably for the best. You had a good life. I knew he’d met someone else, that you had a new family. But then Joe died.” She stared past me, lost to the memories.

“Things got rough after that. Kiera had to grow up too fast, helping take care of me and the house. She became hardened, and I didn’t know how to help. I had all this guilt and fear of losing her too, that one day, I made the rash decision to contact your father. I’d gotten it into my head that we could be a family again. Not him and I, but us. You, me, and Kiera. I have a naturally addictive personality so although Kiera tried to put me off the idea, I became obsessed with it.

“Until I finally plucked up the courage to go to your father’s office. He was so angry I just turned up. But I didn’t understand where he was coming from. It had been eleven years. I just wanted to see you, to know you, for Kiera to know you. We had a big fight and security escorted me off the premises and do you know what his parting words were? He looked me dead in the eyes and said, 'You already ruined our lives once, do you really want to do it again?' And it was like a veil lifting. I was so wrapped up in what I needed, what I thought Kiera needed that I didn’t stop to think about what you needed. You weren’t a baby any more. You were almost a teenager and you had a life. A good one.

“I was crushed. It was as if that moment of clarity bought everything back to the surface. And I did something I hadn't done in so long. I went and found one of my old dealers and got high. But for the first time in my life, it didn’t help. It didn’t take the edge off. I needed more. I needed something to just make it stop. I wanted the guilt and crippling pain to stop.” Tears streamed down her face as she bared her soul to me. And I sat there, unsure of what to feel. This woman was my mother. We shared DNA. And yet, she was so broken it was all I could focus on. The pain radiating from every pore. It pressed against me, sucking the air from the room.

“When I woke up and saw Kiera sitting there, looking at me as she if barely recognized me, I wanted to die all over again. But your sister is so strong. Always has been. She told me she was staying with our neighbor and that my first NA meeting was in a week. We didn’t talk about you again and a week later, I started what has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

“You see, one of the steps to recovery is making amends with those you harmed. And Kyle, I have no bigger regret than not being the mother you deserved. I know I can’t take back the last sixteen years, and I’ve made my peace with that, but I wanted you to know, to understand, that I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love you. I walked away because I loved you too damn much. I stared into your blue eyes and saw my life flash before me and what I saw terrified me. Because I wasn’t stable. Even with your father’s support, even with all the will in the world, I was an addict and you deserved more. You deserved so much more.”

Her hand found its way to mine. It felt odd. Calloused and rough. Nothing like the silky-smooth skin of Rebecca’s touch, but I didn’t pull away.

“Is that why Kiera hates me? Because you tried to...” the words lodged in my throat.

Maria’s lips curved into a knowing smile. “She doesn’t hate you.”

“Could have fooled me,” I murmured.

How could she not?

Her mom had tried to kill herself all because my dad thought he was doing the right thing by keeping Maria away. I think there was a tiny part of myself that hated us for our hand in things.

“You are not to blame, Kyle. I was in a bad place. I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought seeing you again was an instant fix, but it wasn’t. Even if your father had agreed to let me see you, I’m not sure it would have helped.”

“But Kiera—”

“Kiera is tough because she’s had to be. That’s on me. But she doesn’t hate you. How could she? You’re her brother. She just needs time to adjust to all of this.”

“She stalked me, you know.”

“I know. She knew how it important it was for me to finally meet you and I didn’t want to risk showing up in your life again. Not after what happened with your father the first time.”

“How did you get my cell phone number?” I’d wondered since that first message. I assumed Maria must have had a PI helping her or something but now I knew their circumstances that seemed unlikely.

“Let’s just say Kiera can be very resourceful,” she said cryptically. “She’s tenacious and strong but underneath her hard exterior she’s just a young girl looking for her place in the world.”

Maria looked ready to say more when Kiera reappeared with Laurie in tow. “Everything okay?” She directed her question at her—our—Mom, who smiled.

“We’re fine thanks, baby. Did you girls have fun?”

“It was...” she glanced back at Laurie who nodded encouragingly. “Interesting.”

“I love what Kiera’s done with her room.”

“She decorated it all herself,” Maria said beaming with pride.

“It’s so cool. My parents would never let me loose with a paintbrush let alone paint balloons.”

“You used paint balloons to decorate your room?” I asked, and Kiera shrugged.

“It’s no big deal.”

“It’s amazing,” Laurie gushed. “You should come take a look. Your sister is very talented.”

Sister.

Man, that was going to take some getting used to.

“It’s fine, he’s probably not interested.”

I leaped up and dragged my fingers through my hair. “Hey, I would love to see it. I’ve been thinking about doing something new with my room. Maybe I’ll get some inspiration.”

Kiera’s hard gaze slid to mine, and her eyes narrowed. “For real?”

“For real. Lead the way, Sis.” I grinned.

“Oh no,” her eyes almost bugged. “You don’t get to call me that, no way.”

“Tough shit,” I said as I joined them. “It’s a brother’s prerogative.”

Laurie watched our exchange, her eyes glittering with pride and hope and as I followed them down the hall all I could think was, maybe it wouldn’t take so much getting used to as I'd first thought.