Eight months later
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of someone you adore with every fibre of your being. Nor the grief or heartache that accompanies that loss. A big hole has been left in my very existence by the loss of John, yet my heart is bursting with joyful memories. He was never far away, always there to pick me up when I fell down. His life was dedicated to me. To watching over me, to keeping his promise to his best friend. John was a good man, the best, and no matter how I try to angle my thoughts, he didn’t deserve to go. It wasn’t his time.
Lauren, however, needed to die. That may sound sadistic. Maybe it is. But all I’ve wondered is how draining and damaging it must have been to live with so many demons. The reality is, I can’t. I’ve been in some pretty dark places. Have wanted to give up. But the victim in my journey through self-destruction was me and me alone. I never set out to hurt anyone. I never wanted revenge.
All I really wanted was inner peace.
As I sit on the steps in the garden, I watch Ava negotiate her pregnant belly to dip and pick up the hose. And I think for the first time in my existence, I really do have that peace. It’s a blanket around me, warm and secure. It defies reason, really. More trauma and stress have been stirred into our already overflowing pot of shit, yet now I feel almost tranquil. Initially, after we walked away from that barn, I wondered how we would ever get over what had happened. The elation of Ava finding her memories was saddened by the loss of John. I got myself in a state over the twins, what they saw, what they heard.
It was only when we sat down with a family therapist at the suggestion of the liaison officer that I really realised that my babies truly weren’t babies any more. Not with their level heads, their matter-of-fact approach. I’d underestimated them at every turn. Tried to keep them wrapped up in cotton wool and protected from the world. I failed. My past caught up with me again, but the twins looked at me that day, square in the eye, and told me that they were proud of me. Not ashamed like I feared they would be. They were proud of me.
I broke down, didn’t even try not to. I’m human. I’m a dad. A husband. My family is both my biggest weakness and my greatest strength. I live and breathe for them, and that will never change. Until the day I die, it will always be about them.
I look over my shoulder when I hear Maddie talking, seeing her wandering back into the house with her phone to her ear. She’s talking to some boy. My instinct is to go after her, to confiscate that fucking phone. But I wisely stay on my arse where I’m safe from my wife’s wrath. Maddie’s twelve. How serious can it be? I growl at her back and shake my head, returning my attention to the garden before I change my mind and go and trample her arse.
Jacob’s in the distance smacking tennis balls over the net, practising his serve.
Me? I have a beer in my hand just listening to the therapeutic sounds of my wife and babies mooching about our home. This is heaven. This is Ava’s cloud nine. This is where I am supposed to be, and once again, the Fates have brought me here. I want to argue with them this time, though. Ask them why I can’t have John here, too. But that would be wasted breath. And John would say something along the lines of ‘Get a fucking grip, you stupid motherfucker.’
I smile, breathing back my unrelenting sadness. Sadness I know he’d be furious at me for spending too much time on. John can go fuck himself. I actually laugh out loud at my bravery for even thinking it. I would never have said that to him if he were standing here before me. Yet I wish I could. I wish I could curse his arse off to his face, and I would welcome the thump to my jaw from his big hard fist.
‘What’s so funny?’ Ava swishes the spray from the hose over the flower beds, eyeing me with a curious smile.
‘Just thinking.’ I push myself to my feet and wander across the lawn to her, my gaze taking constant up-and-down trips over her beautiful form. God love her, she looks fit to burst. We’re nearly two weeks overdue now, with no signs of baby making an appearance. I reach her and push my chest into her back, circling her tummy with my arms. My hands meet on the front of her pregnant belly with ease, though I still tease her. ‘Only just.’ I smile into her neck when she thrusts her bottom into my groin. ‘Don’t do silly things like that.’ Closeness to this woman always stirs my cock, but contact renders it concrete. That’ll never change.
‘Why, Mr Ward, there’s something poking into my back.’ She chuckles as she continues to drench the flower beds.
‘Maybe I could fuck this baby out of you,’ I muse, thoughtful. ‘You’ve made it too comfortable in there.’
‘We’ve had sex twice a day every day for the past two weeks. Not even your penis coming at it head-on is making it want to come out of hiding.’ Dropping the hose as I laugh, she turns in my arms, her belly now wedged between us. I look down fondly. Yes, she’s certainly carrying big, but nothing in comparison to when she was expecting the twins. Laying my palms on the top, I stroke and feel, my heart swelling with happiness when the baby kicks against my right hand.
‘He’s having a party in there. Clearly he’s got his dad’s talented dance moves.’
Ava’s hands land over mine, and we feel together. ‘You keep saying he. We don’t know what the sex of Peanut Junior is yet.’
‘It’s a boy,’ I assure her. It has to be. I’ve managed to hold on to my hair for this long. A girl might change that. ‘Jacob and I can’t be outnumbered.’
‘But Maddie and I can?’
‘You two have enough spunk between you for us to have ten more boys and still be out-spunked.’ I shift my hands and take hers, bringing them to my mouth and kissing each knuckle in turn, each and every one. She’s beaming at me, her smile so strong with happiness I feel it warm my face. ‘It’s a boy,’ I affirm.
‘Whatever you say, my Lord.’ She turns away from me and brings my hands back around her tummy, holding them there as she starts waddling across the grass. I follow her steps, my chin resting atop her head. ‘Let’s mooch.’
‘Mooch away,’ I reply, letting her lead the way to the bottom of the lawn where we pick up the gravel path through the flower beds that leads to the bench swing hidden at the bottom of the garden. The air is cool, but not quite cold, yet the sun could be blazing down from the sky. I’m toasty warm, contented, calm and serene. And all of that is being absorbed by my wife.
A beautiful air of peace has surrounded her throughout this pregnancy. I’ve admired it daily as I’ve watched her, whether at home or at the club. She’s been back to work and I’ve made sure I’ve let her get on with it, though I’ve never been truly far. Just far enough for her not to feel crowded, but close enough to sate my need for constant contact, even if that contact is just my eyes looking at her.
This pregnancy has been an entirely different experience for me. I’ve not stressed, not faffed, not driven her up the wall with my neurotic worry. And she hasn’t played me or used that worry as a tool to wind me up. There has been no faking labour to send me into meltdown. Probably because she knows that this time there will be no meltdown. After all, I’m a pro now. I’ve got this.
As we walk, I notice her leaning back on me more and more, her body getting tired. ‘Rest?’
Her sigh is heavy. She’s truly fed up now, but as I’ve told her time and again, these things can’t be rushed. He’ll come when he’s ready. Helping her down onto the cushion on the bench, I take a seat beside her and push my feet into the ground, swinging us back and releasing. We rock smoothly, Ava’s head resting on my shoulder. ‘Kate’s bringing a vindaloo around later.’
‘Another?’ I relax back. ‘That baby will come out expecting a curry instead of your boob.’
She chuckles, and quickly flinches as she does, her hand going to her tummy and rubbing.
‘Okay?’ I ask softly, placing my hand over hers.
‘Just a twinge.’ Pulling her head from my shoulder, she gazes up at me. Her lips twitch, her eyes glimmer.
I know what’s running through that wonderful mind of hers. Though I humour her. ‘What’s tickled you?’
‘Fourteen years ago, you would have crapped your boxers at a twinge.’
I shrug, nonchalant. ‘We’re experts now. After the twins, this is a breeze, right?’
A sharp puff of laughter fans my face. ‘A breeze? Speak for yourself, Jesse. You’re not the one pushing what feels like—’
‘A flaming watermelon out of my fanny.’ I’ve heard her cute analogy a few hundred times. ‘I know.’ Turning into her, I pout playfully as I cup her boobs, circling my thumbs over her nipples until they pebble. ‘Tonight you’re going to let me ram my deprived cock inside that sweet pussy of yours and stretch it in preparation.’
Her grin is thrilling. And wanting. And lustful. That’s one of the few things that hasn’t been different this time around. Her unrelenting craving for all things me. Thank God, because that would be a tragic loss. ‘You’re so selfless.’
‘Anything for you, baby.’ I lean in over her belly and rest my lips on hers. The usual sparks of magic happen inside me, my heart thrumming wildly.
‘Deprived cock?’
‘Yes, deprived. Only a minute after leaving the snug warmth of that special place my dick feels lonely.’ It’s no lie. ‘You going to challenge me?’
‘Wouldn’t dream of it.’ Her smile lies on mine as my hands feel the delicious weight of her amazing boobs.
‘Besides, I have to take all I can get because you’re going to be out of service for a while.’
‘You poor thing.’
A rustling from beyond the bushes has me pulling away quickly, scanning the area. I cock my eyebrow at Ava, who indicates to the left with a nod of her head. ‘I can see you,’ I call, getting comfortable and rocking the bench again when I realise it’s stopped. Two heads pop out of the hedge, grinning. ‘Neither of you would make stealth ninjas.’
‘We were gonna jump out and scare you,’ Jacob declares, breaking free from the branches and twigs, pulling a few leaves from his blond mop. ‘We’re fed up of waiting for Peanut Junior.’ He offers Maddie a helping hand when her blouse gets caught up.
‘You’re fed up?’ Ava laughs. ‘Try carrying this thing around with you for nine months.’
‘Don’t be dramatic,’ I quip, patting the bench next to me for Maddie to come and sit. ‘It’s not been that big the whole time.’
Maddie giggles as she jumps onto the bench and snuggles into my side, Jacob taking the side next to Ava. ‘Dad, seriously. Do you want Mum to hurt you?’
‘She’d have to catch me first, and that ain’t happening when she’s in that condition.’ I put an arm around each of my girls, looking across to Jacob. His head is lying on Ava’s stomach, his ear pushed close.
Ava’s hands start threading through his blond hair, stroking while he listens. We settle and swing for a while, all of us quiet and relaxed, legs swinging freely, heads resting on various shoulders. I could stay here all night, but it’s getting chilly and Sam will be here soon with his girls, as well as Drew with his. I smile. Raya gave birth only last week to a little girl, Imogen, bang on time. All these girls; by the rule of probability, Ava has to have a boy in there. I pray she has a boy in there.
‘Come on, it’s getting cold.’ I nod to Ava’s nipples on a smirk, and she rolls her eyes. ‘The gang will be here soon.’
Jacob is first off the bench, helping a puffing Ava to her feet. ‘Thank you, darling.’ Her arm goes around his shoulders as they start back to the house together. My boy. My gorgeous, sweet, thoughtful boy. He’s overtaken Maddie in height now, clearing her by a good few inches. He’s not far off Ava.
I feel the sleeve of my T-shirt lift and look out the corner of my eye to see Maddie inspecting the scar left behind. She doesn’t look sad these days when she’s feeding her need to see it at least once a day. These days, she smiles. ‘Did your life flash before your eyes, Dad?’
I laugh and dip, hoisting her up over my shoulder and following on after Jacob and Ava. The sweet sound of my girl’s squeal fills my ears. ‘Yes, and do you know what I thought?’
‘What did you think?’ she asks, bouncing upon my shoulder in time to my strides.
‘I thought about how much I’d miss your sass.’
‘No you didn’t,’ she laughs, slapping my back. ‘Hey, Dad. Can I go to the cinema on Friday with Robbie?’
Robbie. So that’s the flavour of the month. ‘Sure you can.’ I set her on her feet when we make it to the house, leaving her behind as I follow Ava and Jacob. ‘What are we watching?’ I call behind me.
‘You’re hilarious.’ Her exasperation makes me chuckle as I open the fridge and pull out some Sun-Pat. But that chuckle fades to nothing when it’s swiped from my hand. ‘Hey!’
Ava grins and sashays as best she can to a stool, finger-dipping my jar as she clambers onto the seat. ‘What’s yours is mine,’ she declares, popping a delicious-looking finger into her mouth and making an over-the-top job of licking it clean.
I hear the kids laugh as I sulk at my wife, wondering why, of all the things she could crave, it has to be my pots of heaven. Sharing my vice is no joke. I’ve only just got to grips with Jacob pinching my passion. ‘Share,’ I order, taking myself swiftly across the kitchen and joining her on the next stool, my mouth dropping open. I may even be dribbling.
Humming, she scoops out a huge dollop and holds it out to me. This part of the sharing process I don’t mind at all. My mouth watering, I move in to claim her finger. But she quickly diverts it to her own mouth, lapping it up quickly on a satisfied smile and sparkly eyes. I recoil, disgusted by her game, though the kids seem to think it’s hilarious.
Only one word comes to mind. ‘Three,’ I practically snarl, widening her grin.
‘Oh boy,’ Jacob sighs, collecting some juice from the fridge. ‘Mum, will you ever learn?’
‘Don’t mess with the peanut butter,’ Maddie adds, resting her elbows on the counter and settling in for the show. ‘You’ll pay, and your bladder isn’t as strong these days.’
I laugh on the inside when Ava tosses her an indignant look, her finger hanging out of her mouth. ‘Stay out of it, sassy-pants.’
Maddie shrugs her shoulders, chin resting in the palms of her hands. ‘I’m my mother’s daughter. Ask Dad.’
She isn’t wrong. ‘Two,’ I say, turning back to Ava, my eyebrows high.
‘There’s nothing wrong with my bladder.’ She takes another huge helping of the good stuff, her nose high. ‘And if there is, it’s your fault.’ She nods at the kids in turn.
‘One.’ I start drumming my fingers, all casual and cool, appearing tired of the light banter. I’m not tired at all. These moments, the simple moments, are some of my favourite family times.
‘Mine,’ Ava whispers, plunging in her finger again and holding it up in demonstration before lapping it clean. ‘Get your own, Ward.’
‘Zero, baby.’ I’m off the stool in a flash, my fingertips homing straight in on Ava’s weak spots.
‘No!’ The jar is quickly cast aside in favour of my arms.
‘You asked for it,’ Maddie sings, going on her way and leaving us to it. ‘Don’t pee yourself.’
‘Whose is the peanut butter?’ I ask in her ear, handling her gently but firmly. ‘Just say the words, baby, and I’ll stop.’
‘Never!’ She laughs, fighting my hands away with little success. ‘Ohhhhh . . .’
My torturing fingers stop. That wasn’t a regular sound that I hear when I’m tickling her stupid. I release her in a heartbeat, scanning her up and down. ‘A twinge?’
Jacob’s by my side quickly, and Maddie’s not far behind. Ava stills while we all wait with bated breath for her conclusion, her eyes focused on her bump as she drops to her feet from the stool. ‘Yeah, I think . . . oh my FUUUUCK!’ She doubles over and screams, forcing all of us to cover our ears or burst our drums. ‘Sorry, kids,’ she adds, starting to pant.
‘Bloody hell!’ Maddie starts running circles around the kitchen in a panic. ‘Peanut Junior is coming!’
‘Shit!’ Jacob yells.
My head could pop off my neck. What’s with all this fucking bad language? ‘Will everyone watch their mouths!’ I yell, taking Ava’s elbow.
‘But the baby’s coming!’ Maddie shouts, still doing panicked laps of the kitchen. ‘Call an ambulance. The doctor. Anyone!’
‘It’s coming!’ Jacob covers his face with his palms. ‘It’s because you tickled her!’
Christ, everyone needs to calm the hell down. I take a deep breath. ‘Don’t worry, kids,’ I say calmly. ‘Dad’s got this.’ Am I telling them, or myself? ‘Maddie, you get Mum’s bag. Jacob, you get my mobile so I can call the hospital and tell them we’re on our way.’
We all flinch when Ava lets out another almighty, bloodcurdling scream, grabbing onto me with both hands, her nails puncturing my forearms. ‘Fucking hell, Ava,’ I hiss, prising her buried claws one by one out of my flesh. ‘Sorry, kids.’
‘Does that hurt, Ward?’ she pants, bending, starting to sweat.
‘Just a bit.’ I play it down. I shouldn’t have. She sinks her nails into me again on an evil look.
‘Good.’
Jesus, she’s turning into a psycho. I watch the kids fly out of the kitchen to fulfil their orders, and realign my focus on Ava. ‘You want to sit?’
‘No!’
‘You want to stand, then?’
‘No!’
‘Right.’ I roll my eyes, accepting my mobile when Jacob thrusts it at me.
‘You okay, Mum?’
‘Yes, darling.’ She reaches blindly for his head and gives it a loving, reassuring pat. ‘I love you.’
I recoil, shaking my head in wonder. So she’s just a psycho bitch with me, then? Dialling the hospital, I keep hold of Ava as she moans, constantly cursing me and apologising to the kids. ‘Hi, my wife’s gone into labour. Ava Ward.’ I watch Ava’s face turn bright red. ‘We’ll be around half an hour.’ Her nostrils start to flare. ‘Yeah, great. Bye.’ I hang up and hand the phone to Jacob. ‘Call Nan and tell her to get her arse here quick.’
‘We can’t come?’ He looks totally put out.
‘Trust me, mate. You don’t want to be anywhere near your mother while she’s pushing Peanut Junior out.’
‘I’d rather him than you,’ Ava spits, going into another scream, grappling at my arms.
‘There’s no need for that now, is there?’ I sound so condescending, but other than dishing out a Retribution Fuck, which is off the cards right now, I have no other option but to humour her. ‘It’s your body that rejected the pill.’ She’s not slapping this on me. No way.
‘Really, Dad?’ Maddie smacks my arm. ‘You’re saying that to her when she’s in labour?’
So it’s gang up on Dad day? Has it escaped everyone’s notice that I’m the only calm one around here? ‘Jacob, call your nan,’ I order, this time less calmly. Ava’s contractions have come on fast, and there’s not much space between them. I pull Ava’s hair from her damp face and indicate for Maddie to tie it up with the hairband on her wrist as Jacob dials Elizabeth.
‘Nan, it’s Jacob.’ He dances on the spot, eyes on his mother. ‘Mum’s in labour. Dad said get your arse here now.’
I hear my mother-in-law’s screech of joy. ‘Tell her to hurry,’ I call.
‘Hurry, Nan!’ he shouts, hanging up and stuffing my phone in my pocket for me.
‘I love you,’ Ava tells Maddie while she secures the tie, feeling at her startled face. ‘You’re beautiful, smart and sassy, and I love you.’
‘Love you, too, Mum.’
If she wasn’t in labour, I would think Ava was drunk. What’s got into her? It’s a stupid question. I know what. It’s that whole replacement thing. ‘Come on, lady,’ I say, breaking up their moment. ‘Let’s get you to the car.’
Her answer is an epic scream, her body unmoving when it solidifies in a natural attempt to stem the pain. ‘Oh my fucking God!’ Pant, pant, pant. ‘Sorry, kids.’ She fists the front of my T-shirt and hauls me forward with a power Wonder Woman would be envious of. Her eyes are wild. ‘This baby is coming out now, Ward.’ Yet another scream pierces the air immediately after her statement.
And following that, my panic. ‘What?’ No. No, no, no. ‘Ava, we just need to get you in the car and I’ll have you at the hospital in no time at all.’
She starts to fold to the floor, moaning on her way down. I have no choice but to scoop her up and carry her through to the lounge where it’s more comfortable. ‘There is no time,’ she wails as I lay her on the couch. ‘Not on the couch! It’ll be ruined.’
‘For fuck’s sake.’ I can’t help it. ‘Sorry, kids.’ I lay her on the carpet and get her head comfy on a pillow. ‘Baby, I need to get you to the hospital.’
She shakes her head. ‘It’s coming.’
‘Jacob, Maddie, hold your mum’s hands,’ I order, sending them to the top end. Once they’re in position, I reach under Ava’s long skirt and pull her knickers down; the material is drenched. ‘I’m just going to check what’s going on down there,’ I tell her, to appease Ava more than myself. ‘Then we’ll get you to the hospital.’ I help her legs to bend, ensuring I keep her covered as best I can as the kids look on.
‘I need to push,’ she pants.
‘You do not need to push,’ I assure her as I take a peek between her legs. It’s way too soon. ‘Oh, fuck!’ I blurt, seeing the crown of a head breaching her vagina. ‘Shit, Ava!’
‘I fucking told you I need to push!’
‘Dad?’ Jacob’s unsure voice lifts my hollow head, and I find two sets of very worried eyes. This wasn’t part of the plan. They’re panicking.
I need to take control. ‘Maddie, go and get towels and a cool flannel. Jacob, I want you to get the duvet off our bed and open the front door.’ I grab my phone as they shoot off like obedient bullets. ‘Ava, baby, no pushing yet, okay?’ I dial for an ambulance as she nods, blowing out short, sharp shots of breath. ‘I need an ambulance. My wife is in labour, and she most definitely isn’t going to hold out until I can get her to the hospital.’
‘What’s your wife’s name, sir?’
‘Ava. Ava Ward.’
‘And your address?’
I reel it off as the kids dart into the lounge simultaneously, both their arms full of my requests. ‘The baby’s head is crowning,’ I tell the operator, trying to push back the urgency I’m feeling and remain calm for Ava. She’s huffing and puffing, cheeks blowing out, eyes clenching shut.
‘Okay, Mr Ward, first things first, don’t panic.’
I laugh. If she’d said that to me when Ava’s waters broke with the twins, I would have verbally ripped her head off. ‘I’m not panicking,’ I assure her coolly. ‘But I am going to need someone to walk me through this.’ I take another quick peek under Ava’s dress. ‘This chap is in a rush.’ Fucking hell, he’s stalled making his entrance, and now he’s decided he’s got jet propellers in his feet. I watch as Jacob plumps pillows and Maddie flaps the duvet out.
‘An ambulance has been dispatched and the midwife called.’
‘Thank you.’ They’d better hurry.
‘Okay. Now who is there, Mr Ward?’ the operator asks.
‘Me, my son and daughter.’
‘How old are they?’
‘Twelve. They’re twins.’ Ava’s eyes spring wide open, her head shaking furiously from side to side. Sweat is dripping from her. ‘Just hold one moment while I get her comfortable.’
‘No problem.’
I drop the phone and slide my arms under Ava’s body, lifting her from the floor. ‘Pull the duvet under,’ I tell Maddie. ‘And the pillows there.’ The two of them work efficiently and calmly, and I know for sure that my coolness is the reason why. I just need to maintain it. But, fuck, this was not part of my plan when I’ve mentally walked through Ava’s labour dozens of times. ‘Guys, I need your help,’ I tell them, lowering Ava back to the soft duvet. ‘Can you do that?’
Both nod, eyes passing back and forth between me and Ava. ‘Is she all right, Dad?’ Jacob asks, the shock not masked in his voice as well as it is on his face.
‘She’s fine,’ I assure him, stroking back Ava’s hair from her wet face, dropping a kiss onto her forehead. ‘Aren’t you, baby?’
She groans but tries to nod, too, her head jerks uncontrolled and erratic. I smile, grabbing her hand and squeezing. ‘You ready?’
Blowing out air through her pursed lips, she constricts my hand. ‘Don’t leave me.’
‘None of us are leaving.’
She looks up towards the kids, who are on either side of her head, straining a smile. ‘This is nothing compared to when I had you two,’ she assures them.
I laugh when the kids’ eyes bug, glancing at each other.
‘Maddie, put that damp cloth on Mum’s forehead,’ I order, moving back down Ava’s body. ‘Jacob, hold Mum’s hand. She’s going to squeeze it really hard, mate, so get those muscles flexing.’
‘I don’t want to hurt him,’ Ava wails, her back bowing violently when another contraction hits her.
Jacob quickly snatches up her hand with both of his, moving in closer to her head on his knees. ‘It’s okay, Mum. Squeeze as hard as you need to.’
My fucking heart melts as I grab the phone and put it on loudspeaker, resting it on the floor next to me. ‘Okay. We’re ready.’
‘Okay, Mr Ward. How far apart are the contractions?’
‘One minute, maybe two.’ I encourage Ava to bend her knees more and spread her legs further, taking a towel and laying it over her knees.
‘On the next contraction, I want Ava to push and you to apply pressure on her vagina.’
My eyes widen, and I look at the kids, who, as I expected, are cringing terribly. I’m not cringing. I am, however, fucking confused. ‘You want me to push the head back in?’ Surely not.
Ava screams as I utter my question, her face going red. ‘You’re not pushing it back in, Jesse! I want it out! Now!’
Fucking hell, the pressure. ‘Okay, baby. Calm down.’
‘Mr Ward.’ The operator isn’t laughing, but she’s not far off. ‘I want you to apply pressure at the top of Ava’s vagina.’ That word again, and the kids both grimace. ‘The angle will help the baby’s head pass through easier.’
I blink my eyes rapidly, trying to focus on the part of my wife that I love the most, the part that looks nothing like I remember. ‘Right,’ I breathe, reaching forward. ‘How hard?’
‘Firmly, Mr Ward.’
‘It’s coming!’ Ava starts panting, her cheeks inflating. ‘Now!’
‘Okay, push, baby!’ I do as instructed, applying as much pressure as I’m comfortable with.
‘Go on, Mum!’ the twins chant together. ‘You can do it!’
She grunts, she wails, she cries. It’s all so familiar, but no less easy to hear. ‘Jesse!’ My name is a drawn-out, high-pitched howl, her head tossed back, her back arched. ‘Oh my God, it hurts!’
I wince, keeping my eyes rooted between her legs. A head, smeared with blood and goo, emerges slowly but surely, my spare hand resting on the underside. ‘Come on, Ava,’ I yell, cheering her on. ‘He’s coming.’
She slumps, exhaling raggedly, and the baby’s head slowly retreats. I reach to my brow and wipe away the sheen of sweat. ‘The head came out a bit, but it’s gone back in again,’ I tell the operative.
‘Perfectly normal, Mr Ward. We’ll wait for the next contraction and encourage a big push.’
‘A big push, Ava. Did you hear that?’
‘I’m not fucking deaf!’ she snaps between quick, sharp inhales and exhales, throwing me daggers. I shrink, but the kids chuckle, Jacob having a quick shake out of his poor hand. ‘I’m sorry, darling,’ Ava says, clumsily reaching for his head and patting around in his hair. ‘Did I hurt you?’
‘Not at all.’ He raises his arms and flexes his non-existent biceps. ‘I’m built of steel.’
Maddie cackles. ‘In whose world?’
‘Concentrate,’ Jacob orders, giving Ava back his hand.
‘Oh, no.’ Ava’s panicked eyes land on me with a bang. ‘Here’s another one.’
I pull myself together and move in closer. ‘This time a big push, okay? The biggest you can manage.’
‘I’m trying.’ She’s getting tearful, her eyes welling.
‘Come on,’ I coo, placing my hand back where it should be. ‘You pushed two babies out one after the other. This is a walk in the park.’
‘Screw you, Ward. This one must be as big as Jacob and Maddie put together. I’m going to be ripped in two. Oh, oh, oh!’ Her teeth grit, her fists ball, her head shoots forward. ‘Arghhhhhhhh!’
‘That’s it!’ I encourage her, watching as the head crowns and gradually stretches her opening. ‘Come on, baby! He’s nearly here.’ The agonising sound of her screams goes straight through me. ‘A bit more! Yes, yes! That’s it, Ava!’
The head passes the widest point and slips free of her walls, a perfect little profile on perfect display. My voice catches in my throat, my hand stroking over the top of his wet head. Fuck, even covered in slime he’s gorgeous.
‘The head’s out,’ I say to the operative, grabbing another towel.
‘That’s great.’ She’s so calm. ‘One more push on the next contraction, Mr Ward. When the baby is out, lay it straight on Ava’s chest and wrap it in a towel. Make sure the cord isn’t caught up.’
‘Okay.’ I prepare myself, glancing up at Ava. She’s crying now, feeling Maddie’s hair as she dabs the flannel across her forehead. ‘Ava,’ I call, making her head drop limply. ‘One more push, baby.’
She nods on a big swallow, closing her eyes.
‘Just one more, Mum.’ Maddie pushes some loose strands of hair off Ava’s face as Jacob has another shake of his hand in preparation, throwing me a Jesus! look as he does. When Ava starts with the semi-controlled breaths again, I know the final push is coming. Levelling her eyes on me, she grits her teeth and nods, her face starting to go beet red. There’s no sound from her this time. Just round eyes glued to me as she goes into the final stretch.
He comes out so fast, I nearly miss it, my gaze set on my beautiful wife being helped by my beautiful children. ‘Oh, fuck.’ His wet, slippery body falls into my big hands, and his screams start immediately after that. The sound is fucking golden. He’s fucking perfect. I’m a fucking wreck, my eyes full of tears. I carefully shift him into one hand, being careful of the cord, and push Ava’s T-shirt up, laying him on her chest and covering them with a towel.
I expect the twins to grimace and look away, but they are utterly mesmerised by the sight, their little jaws hanging open. ‘He’s here,’ I croak, mindful that the operative is waiting for an update. ‘He’s here and he’s perfect.’
‘Congratulations, Mr Ward.’
‘Thank you.’ Emotion ambushes me as I watch Ava hold our baby to her chest, her lips resting on his head, her eyes closed.
‘I hardly did a thing.’ The operative chuckles. ‘You were a perfect student. I’ve had confirmation that the paramedics and midwife are just a few minutes away. I’m going to stay on the line until they arrive.’
I nod, sniffle, and wipe my nose with the back of my hand as I crawl up the side of Ava to join them. Her face is red and blotchy, her hair a wet mess. But she’s stunning. I smile and reach for my baby’s little hand, amazed by his tiny fingers. ‘He’s perfect,’ I whisper, instant love booming within me.
‘You keep saying he.’ Ava looks down at the back of his head. ‘Is it confirmed?’
I frown. No, it’s not. I was so enthralled, I didn’t look for his bits, or lack thereof. ‘Wait.’ I reach for the towel covering them, pulling it up before lifting a little leg a tad so I can see.
‘What is it, Dad?’ Jacob hurries around to my side, as well as Maddie. ‘A boy or a girl?’
I smile, looking at each of their impatient faces before cocking my head for them to look themselves. Both their heads dive down to inspect the area.
‘Well?’ Ava asks, impatient. ‘Tell me.’
Maddie coughs. ‘It’s definitely a he.’ Looking up to Ava, she smirks. ‘And he’s got a bigger penis than Jacob has now!’
I let out a bark of laughter, roughing my boy’s hair when he throws an indignant look Maddie’s way. ‘Get lost, Maddie.’
I crawl up and lie down beside Ava, my body stretched the length of hers and then some. I kiss my baby boy’s sweet little head, inhaling as I do. Lord, I’ve missed that smell so much. ‘You did so well.’ I turn my lips to my wife and kiss her sweaty forehead, taking the opportunity to breathe her in, too. ‘So, so well.’
Sighing deeply, she closes her eyes and nuzzles into me. ‘You’re my superstar.’
‘That’s one I’ve never been called before,’ I quip lightly. ‘What happened to god?’
A tired chuckle melts into my ears as I snuggle in close, the side of one finger stroking down his little cheek. ‘He’s a good-looking little fucker,’ I whisper. ‘Clearly he takes after his dad.’
‘Your ego knows no bounds.’
‘Hey, what are we calling him?’ Maddie is already besotted, her attention on the baby and the baby alone.
I stall voicing my preference, like I have for some time. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, or what Ava would think. ‘I don’t know.’ I shrug mildly. ‘What do you guys think? What does he look like?’
Both of them crowd him, their heads cocked in contemplation. ‘He doesn’t look like anything.’ Jacob reaches forward and touches the end of his nose. ‘He’s so tiny.’
‘I think he looks like a Joseph,’ Maddie declares. ‘He’s got the same amount of hair as Pap.’
I grin when Ava snorts. ‘What do you think, Mummy?’
Ava breathes in, her chin lowering to her chest to look at his peaceful form. She thinks for a while, and then she looks to the twins. ‘Maddie, Jacob, meet your new brother.’ Glancing back at me, my wife smiles faintly. ‘Baby John-Boy.’
Oh, fucking hell. My heart bursts. ‘Really?’ I ask, pushing down the lump working its way into my throat.
She shrugs, as if it’s nothing, when it is absolutely everything. ‘He looks like a John to me.’ Peeking back down at him, she nods to herself decisively. ‘Yes, he’s definitely a John. And if we’re lucky, he’ll be as loyal, brave and loving as the original.’
Fuck, I’m a goner. I bury my face into her neck and let my stinging eyes release the tears. My emotions are shot, a huge concoction of overwhelming happiness and unrelenting sadness.
I’ll make sure baby John-Boy is all of those things. If it’s the last thing I do, he’ll be everything his uncle John was. I feel Ava’s hand in my hair, comforting me. I’ve held it together for long enough. It’s all coming out now.
But then baby John-Boy decides it’s his turn to have a wail, putting the stoppers on my intended release time. I peek up, my face wet, and find his fist rammed in his mouth. ‘Someone’s hungry.’ I look across to the kids and cock my head. ‘Mum’s about to get her boobs out.’
‘I’ll go see if the ambulance is here!’ Jacob bombs from the lounge like a spitfire, leaving smoke in his wake. I laugh. He’s just witnessed his mum giving birth, not that he saw the graphic stuff, but still. It was an experience. And he’s scared of a bit of boob?
‘Can I stay?’ Maddie asks, a little tentatively. She’s so curious, completely bewitched by her new brother.
‘Sure you can, darling.’ Ava reaches for her hand. ‘But first would you mind getting me some water?’
‘Ice?’
‘Lovely.’
Maddie shoots off, eager to help. It’s a great start to the new dynamics of our family. ‘Shall we?’ I ask, helping her lift him to her breast. He latches onto Ava’s nipple like a suction pad, his cheeks hollowing and pulling long sucks. ‘Fuck me, he’s definitely a breast man.’
‘Stop.’ Ava laughs, smacking my hand playfully before settling her head back down. If there is a more beautiful sight than this, then I’m yet to see it.
‘You’re a lucky man, John-Boy,’ I whisper, taking my face down close to his. His eyes are open just a fraction, but they’re on me. ‘I’m willing to share for now,’ I tell him, dropping a kiss on his forehead as Ava giggles softly. ‘But be warned, I’m only loaning them to you. I want them back. Understand?’ I stroke over his smooth head, smiling down at my new baby boy.
I swallow down the lump closing my throat and look up to the eyes that keep me alive. And looking back at me, her gaze soft and teary, is the beauty that is my life.