Chapter Sixteen

Administering the Medicine

Ollie jumped out of his shower, grabbed the towel from the rail, and scrubbed it over his hair. He glanced in the mirror and took a long, hard look at his reflection. The hot waterfall and steam had managed to sort out most of his complexion, but he was still too pale for his liking. He really had to think about using that voucher for the tanning place soon. Four days off meant he should be able to squeeze it in. Now there wasn’t anyone demanding his leisure time anymore.

He trudged through to his bedroom and yanked open the wardrobe. The day had passed without a peep from Jacob. Or anyone. Having been wishing for the luxury of being alone, now that he had it, he didn’t seem to like it. He shook his head, beads of water dripping from his hair onto his carpet and bedspread, and searched for something to wear. He decided on a pair of slim-fitting baby-blue jeans and a simple T-shirt. It wasn’t like he was going anywhere. He could have headed to the pub, or maybe even a club and danced his woes away, but the niggling hopeful feeling kept him housebound.

He sauntered through to the kitchen. He’d been to the supermarket earlier and stocked up on all the food items that Elliot would have reprimanded him for. Luckily, Ollie’s credit card still had space on it to pay for all the stuff. He’d chilled some cheap white wine and planned to consume most of that bottle by himself to drown his sorrows on his comfortable sofa. He flicked on the television to a low and mellow music station and paced. He couldn’t sit. He was too antsy and feared if he actually parked his arse on the sofa, his body might take over and tell him to sleep. So he was grateful when his phone rang to give him some distraction from the foolish and hopeless pacing.

“Hey, T,” Ollie said into his mobile.

“I cannot take the suspense anymore. Are you trying to make me fail my resolution too? I have very nearly opened my emergency pack of ciggies.”

Ollie slid open the balcony door, and the wind chill bit at his bare arms and wet hair. It was welcome though. It slapped him awake. “The very fact you have emergency menthols tells me you weren’t taking the quitting seriously.” He checked the winter plants that hung on the railings in various colored pots. “Suspense over what, anyway?”

“Don’t play that dumb card with me. Are we or are we not still nursey pals? I mean, I’ve been thinking and I’m just not sure I can handle a night shift without you there. Or a day shift. And, before you bang on, I am aware that this shouldn’t be about me and it’s clearly a more worrying time for you. But seriously, bae, I’m having palpitations at the thought of only having Patty to talk to. No one else understands my love of pink hot chocolate. I’d have to quit that too, and I can tell you now, Ollie Warne, giving up smoking is not as easy as the sodding commercials for nicotine gum or the blasted government health guidelines claim.”

“I can tell.”

“So perhaps, maybe, if you are leaving, I will leave with you. I’ll quit. In protest.”

“You’re going to quit cigs, pink hot chocolate, and your job?”

“Yes. For you, I’ll quit anything.”

Ollie smirked, resting his elbows on the balcony railing and glancing up at the night sky dotted with twinkling stars. Not a cloud in sight. No wonder it was so fricking freezing.

“Will you quit dating sites?”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Because it’s just as unhealthy as the rest of the list.”

Taya sighed heavily down the phone. “I will definitely think about quitting Plenty of Fish. But if I’m quitting my job, then I can’t afford the Match fees.”

Ollie laughed. “Good.”

He stood straight as a bundle of noisy people vacated the Tube station across the road. Ollie’s stomach fluttered as he caught sight of a familiar tumble of dark locks on a wrapped-up-for-winter male—

“I have to go.”

“Don’t you dare—”

Ollie did dare, and he hung up. But he wasn’t that much of a bastard. Plus he knew he’d never get any peace if he didn’t give the girl something. So he quickly composed a text.

Job safe. Elliot and I over. It looks like I have a visitor.

Ollie rushed out of the balcony and closed the door. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, blew into his hand to smell his breath, and adjusted his jeans that had slipped down his hips to reveal his arse crack. His phone vibrated in his hand.

That’s all I get? I thought of something else to quit. You.

Ollie chuckled. His phone immediately pinged again.

Love you xx

The buzzer screeched around the flat, and Ollie was about to switch off his phone when yet another ping came through.

FFS Ollie, you utter bastard, tell me who it is!

Ollie sighed, then whooshed thumbs across the keypad.

Jacob. Now bugger off.

So this whole ‘not feeling a thing’ didn’t work out?

Are you smoking?

Yes.

Let’s just say our next new year’s resolution is to not have a new year’s resolution.

The buzzer sounded around the flat again, this time not stopping. Ollie shut the phone off, chucked it through the open door of his bedroom where it bounced onto the mattress, and then slid over to the entry phone.

“Can I help you?”

“Hi, it’s Jacob. Can I come up?” Jacob’s voice made Ollie’s spine tingle.

“No.”

Silence. Ollie laughed and pressed the buzzer to unlock the downstairs door.

“Get up here.”

The creak and slam from downstairs made the building rattle. Ollie unlocked the chain from his flat door and held it open with one outstretched arm. The slaps of feet up the fire stairwell were timed in perfect unison with Ollie’s heartbeat. As Jacob emerged onto the third-floor landing, wrapped up in a long black coat and scarf, cheeks flushed, he ran his fingers through his hair to ruffle it away from his face.

Ollie noted the distress in Jacob’s eyes, and his stomach plummeted. The previous skittish fluttering at Jacob having turned up at his flat meshed uncomfortably with the overriding fear that this wasn’t to be a pleasant reunion.

Jacob paused in front of him. Ollie swallowed.

“You okay?” Ollie finally asked, his heart hammering.

Jacob exhaled a weary breath, and Ollie’s whole body felt as if it was sinking into the hardwood flooring and seeping down into the flat below. But he was wrenched back up as Jacob stepped forward and slammed his lips onto Ollie’s. He pushed Ollie through into the flat, kicking the door closed behind them. Jacob wrapped his arms around Ollie, staggering him backward, digging his fingers into Ollie’s arse.

Jacob pinned him against the wall and kissed him, grinding his body into Ollie’s. The kiss slowed, as if Jacob had realized his haste and decided to calm it down a notch. One last entwine of tongues, and then Jacob pulled away, shoving his hair back.

“How do you do it?” Jacob breathed.

“Do what?”

“Make me want you so badly on first sight?”

“Oh, that old thing.” Ollie bit his lip. “It’s a talent.”

“Yeah.” Jacob shuffled away, uncurling his scarf from around his neck. “We should talk.”

Ollie’s playful smile dissolved. His whole body felt cold. Perhaps he should have wrapped up warmer, like Jacob was. Ollie nodded, doing his best to mask the fear that bubbled throughout him, and waved a hand for Jacob to follow him to the living room. Ollie went straight to the kitchenette and yanked open the fridge. Normally he would have used that to cool his hot sweats, but Jacob’s words had done that all on their own.

“You want a drink?” Ollie called from behind the fridge door.

Jacob slipped out of his coat, laying it down on the armrest of the sofa. It revealed a different shirt to the one he had worn earlier at work. This one was plain white and gripped tightly along his back. As Jacob folded his arms, the short sleeves stretching over his biceps, Ollie couldn’t help but stare. The hair revealed through the top couple of open buttons was enticing enough for Ollie to want to rage his tongue through it. As Ollie trailed his gaze to Jacob’s face, Jacob arched an eyebrow. Ollie smiled and nodded toward the fridge.

“Wine, beer, orange juice.” Ollie scanned the rest of the refrigerated contents. “Milk. Sparkling water.”

“Sparkling water?” Jacob chuckled.

“It’s when I like to pretend I’m having a drink. Put it in a wineglass and it’s almost the same as cheap prosecco. Just without the hangover.”

“I’d love a wine.”

Ollie nodded and turned to pull out the chilled sauvignon. The fact the man wanted wine could be due to one of two possible reasons. Ollie didn’t dwell on the one that said Jacob was delivering bad news. Rummaging for the corkscrew in the kitchen drawer, he didn’t notice Jacob come up behind him until strong arms wrapped around his waist and Jacob kissed his neck.

“Don’t look so worried,” Jacob whispered into his ear.

“What?” Ollie yanked the cork out of the bottle to a deep pop.

“I want to take you to bed. Right now.” Jacob tugged at Ollie’s earlobe, his deep rumbling voice going straight to Ollie’s groin. Perhaps tight jeans hadn’t been the right thing to wear either. “But all in good time.”

Ollie wriggled against Jacob’s body. “Let up, then.”

Jacob stepped away, and Ollie poured the wine into two purple-frosted glasses. Jacob took his and immediately swallowed a large glug.

“Did you get to Becky?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

Jacob swished the glass, peering into the liquid. “It’s what I need to talk to you about.”

Ollie nodded and pointed at the sofa. They took positions almost identical to the ones they’d taken the previous day. Jacob hung his glass between his legs then met Ollie’s concerned eyes.

“She’s staying here.”

“That’s great.”

“For the time being.”

“Okay.” Ollie thought that would have been a good thing but Jacob’s hunched exterior and brooding expression had him confused.

“I got a lawyer. I’m going to fight for shared custody. Again.”

“Okay.” Ollie was still apprehensive about where this was going.

Jacob plonked the glass on the table and faced Ollie.

“It means I need to be a father. A real one, this time. I need to be there for her. I need to show I can be what she needs. I need to make my place a home. I’ll need to figure out how I can get her to school.”

Jacob was babbling, so Ollie leaned forward and slid a hand onto his knee.

“You can do all that. I’m sure.”

Jacob nodded, then leaned back against the sofa. “I told work I can no longer do the far-flung business trips on a whim. They seem okay with that. We can do most of it by conference calling anyway, but they usually like an in-person meeting. We’ll work around it.”

Ollie nodded in turn. There was something more to come, and he braced for the impact.

Jacob sighed and rubbed a hand along his temple. “I have to prove I’m stable.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I told them I was in a relationship. I know that might have been a stupid thing to do. I just needed to prove I’m stable.”

“Right…”

“But, also, maybe, because…” Jacob hung his head and mumbled to the floor, “I really want that.”

Ollie didn’t say anything. His mind was going ninety to the dozen about that revelation. Mostly he reflected on how Elliot had often pretended the same thing: that he was in a heterosexual relationship. That probable hidden family on the third floor of the doctor’s house flashed before Ollie’s mind’s eye. Being so damn secretive had deflected any attention Elliot received for being in his forties and still single. Some believed he was married to his work. Others, including Ollie, believed he did have a secret family. Ollie knew the truth now. And it killed him to think that this was where things were going with Jacob. Ollie couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of his last conversation with Elliot. That he had wanted to be open. Out. Proud. Well, that hadn’t lasted. Much like his New Year’s resolution.

“Ollie?”

Ollie had been staring into space.

“I want that with you.”

Ollie blinked. Rapidly.

“And I know I should have asked first.” Jacob rested a hand on Ollie’s knee, his fingers trembling. “And I know this is fast and we barely know each other. And I know”—Jacob closed his eyes—“this sounds a lot like I’m using this situation.” He opened them again to gaze upon Ollie. “But I think I can do this. I want to be with you. So, if that isn’t what you want, which is fine, then I’m afraid I can’t do casual hookups. Not anymore.”

Ollie breathed out the air he’d been holding in to the point the papers on the coffee table floated in the breeze. He leaned forward and dropped his glass onto the table. He took Jacob’s face in his hands and kissed him.

“Okay.” Ollie cleared his throat. “Well, you see, there’s something I should probably tell you.”

Jacob waited.

“I stupidly made this New Year’s resolution.”

Jacob brushed Ollie’s lips with his own. “What was it?”

“To not feel a thing. Casual hookups, no feelings.”

“Ah.” Jacob slumped back.

As much as Ollie wanted to pull him up, he knew he needed to explain. He was done with secrets. Hiding the truth. If he was to have a healthy, adult, relationship, one that was a million miles away from what he had had with Elliot, then it needed to start with a clean slate.

“My relationship with Elliot sucked me dry. I was young, naive, vulnerable, and desperate for someone to love me. I love my father. I do. But I lost him. Long before he lost himself. Tilly required so much attention that I couldn’t get what I needed from him. I guess Elliot provided that for me. He took control of my life. He looked after me. He gave me what I needed.”

Jacob sucked in a breath. Ollie felt like he wanted to say something. Cut in, perhaps. Ollie would know he didn’t want to hear everything Ollie had to say. So he tried to get it over with as quickly as possible. Rip the Band-Aid off.

“I fell for everything he said and did. He used me, yes. But I used him too. I used him to prevent myself from actually having a normal relationship. To have a reason not to fall in love. Not to feel. Because, shit, it hurts when you do, right?”

Ollie curled a finger under Jacob’s chin and raised it to meet his gaze.

“But I came to my senses. You helped me do that.” Ollie smiled. “Now I realize what I was missing. That feeling something doesn’t make you weak. It makes you whole. It makes you alive. And, God, Jacob, I want to be alive with you.”

Jacob swallowed. He closed his eyes for a brief moment before taking Ollie’s hand and squeezing it. “I’ve never been in a relationship with a man before,” he admitted.

“I know.” Ollie wasn’t sure what the statement was meant to mean.

“Everything I did with Becky was wrong. I know that. I’m still paying the price for what I did to her.”

Ollie nodded, listening, his heart beating.

“I won’t be perfect, Ollie. It’ll take some getting used to. But, right now, here, for the record, I will never, ever, make those mistakes again. Not if I am with you.”

Ollie licked his dry lips, and then curved them into a smile.

“Well, then.” He waved a hand. “I guess I need to change my resolution.

“Yeah?” Jacob arched an eyebrow.

“I vow to start this new year with a boyfriend.”

Jacob chuckled, his hair falling around his face.

“But I do have a list of requirements to meet my high standards.”

“And they are?”

Ollie leaned back and held up his forefinger. “One, tech whiz, so when I forget my passwords I can still get into my bank account.” Ollie flicked up his middle finger to join the counting. “Tons of hair in all the right places.” Ollie ruffled his hand through Jacob’s curls, brushing them away from his face. “I’m also willing to accept the wrong places.” Jacob laughed. Ollie held up his third finger. “Seafood pizza lover.” That was a deal clincher right there. Fourth finger. “Doting dad.”

Jacob opened his mouth to speak.

“Wait!” Ollie held up his hand. “Five—must be smoking hot.” Ollie picked his glass back up and took a sip. “Know anyone?”

“So, you have four days off?” Jacob questioned.

“Uh-huh.”

“Then you won’t be working nights?”

“Nope. Not for a couple of weeks.”

“Can I see you?”

“For which nights?”

Jacob inhaled. “All the nights.”

Ollie’s heart thumped and his gaze followed Jacob as he stood. Ollie then choked on his drink as Jacob began unbuttoning his shirt. The wine dribbled out of the corners of Ollie’s mouth as Jacob ripped off his top and threw it to the floor. He leaned forward, licked Ollie’s chin, and delved into his mouth to devour the trailing liquid. “And how does this night-to-day shift work, anyway?” Jacob panted. “Where’s your body clock at now?”

“Well.” Ollie ran a hand through Jacob’s chest hair. “After the last night shift, I don’t sleep through the day. Twenty-four hours awake means come that evening, I’m so shattered, I fall into a coma to start the next day back on real time.”

“Last night was your last night shift?” Jacob kissed his neck.

“Yeah.”

“Wow.” Jacob leaned away and hung his head. “You must be exhausted.”

Ollie sat forward, tugging Jacob back to him and whispered in his ear, “I slept all day.”

Jacob peered through his hair to meet Ollie’s gaze. He smiled. Ollie winked. But was stumped from doing anything further when Jacob rammed his mouth onto his and kissed him. Not that Ollie minded. It was his New Year’s resolution after all.

To feel every inch of Jacob.