Chapter Nine
Ramsay
It had been three weeks since the scene in the hotel room. Osi still wasn’t responding to my calls and texts. I missed him. The voice in my head was telling me that “I deserved to be alone,” and that I “didn’t deserve a good man.” I agreed.
I’d been home for three days straight and although it was nice to sleep in my own bed, I missed Osi’s body beside me. Last night, I drove by his house to see if I could tell if he was home. Yeah, I’d become a stalker.
Earlier this afternoon, I’d hung out in the lobby and when Billie came home to let the dogs out, I broke down and asked her if Osi was in town.
“Come on up while I get the monsters.” She pressed the call button for the elevator.
I wasn’t getting the warm greeting that I had hoped. “It’s just that we’ve both been so busy…” I told her lamely as I followed her to her front door.
“I thought that I’d get to see more of you and now it feels like it’s so much less.” She opened her door and dealt with the alarm.
The dogs were waiting, sitting but their tails were wagging. “Hey puppies.” I went to Amy first to give her back a rub while Billie hugged her mastiff.
She placed her purse on the table by the door and motioned me in. “Sit.”
“I can walk the dogs with you.” I told her. It would be easier if we were on the move. If things got too uncomfortable then I could change the topic easily.
“This will only take a moment.” Billie perched on the end of the sofa. “I’ve tried to take my signals from you. I tried to respect your boundaries because I know that you get prickly when you feel like I’m in your business.”
“I do not,” I tried to correct her but we both knew it was a lie.
She tilted her head to the right a little giving me an eyebrow raise that screamed, “Really?”
“Okay, you might be right.”
“So here’s the deal. I like Osi, I think that he’s a really good guy. I have to work with him.” She paused momentarily and watched me closely as if she was gauging my reaction.
“He is a good guy.”
“And you’re my closest friend.”
Suddenly, I felt emotional. I made a sound that was part laugh and part cry. I tried to cover it by pulling my hair back and smoothing it with my hand. “I just wondered, you know.”
“Osi’s been out for weeks.”
I nodded quickly. I told myself that maybe he was working and so busy that he couldn’t return my calls. Maybe this was such a hard hunt that he had to stay focused?
“Hon, I can tell that you are…upset.” She frowned and then looked down at her hands. “I don’t know how to play this Ramses, do I press you for details or pretend to not see that you’re not eating and that you look like you aren’t sleeping, act like everything’s all right?”
I didn’t blink fast enough and a tear fell down my cheek. I sniffed once as I thought about my next move. I was so tired and I hurt. “I…I’m not doing very good.” I whispered.
Billie’s body bent slightly toward me, softening.
“I’m not sure what to do.” I can’t believe that I spoke the words but suddenly it felt like something broke inside of me. I sobbed, I couldn’t stop.
Billie was beside me immediately wrapping her arms around me. “Sometimes it needs to come out, Ramsay.”
I cried in her arms until I felt like my throat was on fire. “Sorry about that.” I was embarrassed and unsure about how to explain my emotional outburst.
She walked into her kitchen. “Yeah, it’s so awful that you have human emotions like the rest of us.” She returned with a bottle of water for me.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Men can do that to us.” She said knowingly.
“I didn’t want this to happen.” I sounded defensive and whiny at the same time.
“Sucks that you can’t control everything in the universe.” Billie told me dryly.
I gave her a surprised look.
She was smiling and then bugged her eyes out at me.
My laugh sounded rough. “I’m not that controlling.”
She rolled her expressive blue eyes. “Really?”
I shrugged and then threw up my hands in surrender. “I came to you for help.”
“No, you came to me for information, hoping that I’d offer you some help.” She shook her head at me. “Which you probably won’t take.”
“This time I might,” I said softly.
“This is too much for me. I think we are going to need everybody on this one.”
“What?”
“I’ll round up the ladies for after work and we’ll brainstorm and come up with a plan.”
“I’m not sure that I need…” or wanted the entire group to be in on this.
“Too bad. You started up with one of the group, so you get all of us.” Billie’s serious look told me that I couldn’t win this argument.
“Okay,” I said weakly.
“I’ll text you the time. The guys are boxing tonight so we’re all free.”
“Lucky me.” I couldn’t hold back the eye roll.
“Don’t come with that attitude.” Billie cautioned. “We’ve given you lots of time and space. Nobody asked you any questions about what was going on. You got a really long reprieve so now…it’s time to pay.”
I wasn’t looking forward to this. In the intervening hours, I’d managed to work myself up into a mad. I knew that I was behaving badly but I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I knocked lightly on the Fordes’ door.
Zoe answered with a smile. “Babe, it’s been too long.” She pulled me into a hug. “Come on in.”
Livy came running on her now longer legs. “Rasey.” She held out her arms for me to pick her up.
“She’s so big.” I told her mother as I swooped her up in my arms and gave her a noisy kiss on her cheek.
The toddler giggled and hugged me with her little arms.
I felt something pull on the hem of my tunic. “Me, me.”
Zoe laughed, “Where there is one, there is two.”
Lucy looked so much like her mother, Layla. I giggled. “Okay, you’re turn.” I put Livy down and picked up the other toddler.
“Hey,” Layla called from the area by the dining room table. “Get over here, stranger.”
Of course the table was filled with food and drinks. “You weren’t supposed to go to any trouble.” I told her.
Layla gave me a brief hug. “It was no trouble. We’re trying that new place that brings the food to your door.”
I heard the door open behind me and Billie’s voice. “Look who I found hanging out in the hall. I need to talk to somebody about security around here.” Cress walked in along with Billie’s dogs.
“Oh my God,” I moved to Cress. She towered over me and she had…blossomed.
“I know.” The latest to be married in our group was glowing. She had one hand over what looked to be a large basketball under her long shirt.
“You look beautiful.” I assured her. I hugged her and couldn’t help but feel unsettled by the hardness of her pregnant belly.
“I’m so glad to see you. You’re always out of town.” Cress accused.
“It’s been more work than I expected, moving here and then getting everything organized.” I admitted.
Zoe asked, “How’s Edwin working out?”
“He’s good, colorful, but good. He knows his fashion.” My assistant was a handful. He had a big personality and a sometimes drama filled life.
“I see him around in the building. He makes the girls laugh.” Layla told us.
“So where’s the only boy that’s allowed to be here tonight?” I hadn’t seen Layla and Forde’s son since January.
“In his room.”
“I’m just going to peek in.” I told her and headed down the hallway.
“You go then you deal with the diaper,” his mother warned.
I laughed, “No problem.”
The baby had grown so much since I’d last seen him. He looked more like a little boy now, and a mini-me of his father.
After attending to Eric’s needs, I carried him out. “So all of the Forde men look just like their daddy.” I smiled in Layla’s direction. She was fussing over Cress who was sitting with her feet up.
“And Lucy has his personality.” Layla handed Cress a bottle of fizzy water.
“So are you working on another, hoping to break the cycle?” Billie asked.
“Like my DNA stands a chance against his.” Layla laughed but didn’t share about child number four. “Right now Forde is having a fit because Ryan and his buddies have planned a trip to Mexico when the semester ends and since Mexico isn’t always a safe place, he’s losing his mind.”
“So is he going to have the guys invade the resort to protect the boys?” Zoe asked.
Layla rolled her eyes and shrugged one shoulder. “Who knows.”
“Ryan’s a good guy.” Cress told us.
“But he’s still a kid in so many ways.” Layla continued.
“And Forde is protective,” Billie added with a true smile. “It will all work out.”
“So what’s been going on with you?” Zoe wasn’t beating around the bush.
“Like I said, I’ve been working a lot.” I started but Cress interrupted me.
“Yeah, yeah, get in line, we can all say that. We want to know about Osi.”
“For that I’ll need a drink.” I told them and grabbed the open bottle of wine and poured myself a glass.
“You’re going to eat too, right?” Zoe was staring at me and then the food.
“I will.”
“Nobody wants the fat woman to tell them to eat but Ramsay, you are too thin.”
“I haven’t been that hungry,” I admitted.
“I wish I had that problem,” Layla gave my waist a squeeze. “Try a little of the Bruschetta. It looks great.” She gently guided me to the plates.
To make the watchdogs happy, I took some food.
We ate and caught up on what was happening in our lives. I’d missed this. These ladies had become my friends while I was planning Billie and Tye’s wedding. I think we developed a close bond after Tye had been shot. You can’t go through something like that and not grow closer.
I was finishing my list of grievances against Osi with, “And he never said a word about having a son. What am I supposed to think about that?”
“I don’t think that me prioritize things the same we do.” Layla told me. “I didn’t know that Forde had been married before until Tye told me.”
“He probably looked at it as something from the distant past and it didn’t affect his current life.” Zoe offered sagely.
“It wouldn’t have but then Ryan found Forde so Tessa was back in the picture.” Layla was not a huge fan of Ryan’s mother because she had purposely kept Forde in the dark about having a son.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if someday, the same thing happens to us,” Billie announced.
I looked at her incredulously. “What?”
“Tye fucked around a lot,” she shrugged. “I wouldn’t be totally shocked if he’d gotten one of his partners pregnant. I mean it happens.”
“And you’d deal with it if it did.” Zoe told her.
“It was before me. But the child would be a part of Tye so he or she would be mine.” Billie told us.
“I agree,” Cress announced. “I mean, Brian got around and things happen.”
Somehow I think they were missing my point. I cleared my throat to complain but Layla spoke first. “Look, we aren’t twenty and our men weren’t either when we met them. Most of us have had a different life before we hooked-up with our guys, I don’t think that it’s that hard to reason that they did too.”
“But he had a son. I mean a kid…that he held and got to know.” I forced the words out.
“I didn’t know any of this,” Billie started, her voice was gentle. “I have to think that for Osi that had to be a terribly painful time. I think it says a lot about how he feels about you that he’d share it with you.”
The other ladies nodded their agreement.
“He said that I don’t ask. Like, I don’t care about him but that isn’t it. I don’t know what to ask. I feel like he has so many secrets that I don’t know if he can share them or if I want to know.” I told them.
“Tony has things that he can’t tell me some of it is because of the rules from when he was with the ATF and sometimes it’s for my safety.” Zoe glanced at the floor beside where Billie was sitting with Livy asleep with her head in her lap and Buster Brown snoring softly on the other side of her. “I trust that he knows what I can handle and what I should handle.”
“Is that a part of it? That you don’t trust one another?” Cress continued down this path.
I smirked and shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it.” Liar! Of course I didn’t trust him with my story. I didn’t want to see the disappointment or worse the accusations in his eyes.
“Did he even give you the okay to tell us about his son?” Billie asked slowly.
I glanced at the door.
“Oh God Ramsay!” Billie accused.
Now I felt badly and I hated it. “You don’t have to say anything to him. Just forget that I told you.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” Cress was giving a look that made me feel terrible.
“Maybe he should talk about it. It might make him feel better.” I tried to tell them.
“Stop,” Billie barked and I could tell that she was mad by the way she ran her hand through her hair. “First of all, don’t spit psychology back at me like you are an authority.”
I took in a deep breath because I knew she was right.
“And secondly, I know you.” Her eyes stopped shooting flames and softened as did her expression. “I know that you must be really hurting for you to drop a secret like that…so cavalierly. That’s not like you, Ramsay. You are the Queen of Secret Keeping.”
“There’s more.” I told them through my dry throat. “I did something really dumb.”
“We’ve all been through that,” Layla said gently.
“I have a new client. She’s in Chicago and she’s given me a lot of work.” I licked my dry lips. “She thought that I was single. I mean, I don’t talk a lot about my personal life with my clients.”
“Makes sense,” Zoe muttered.
“She kept trying to fix me up with her nephew.”
“You didn’t,” Cress accused.
It was worse saying the words out loud. “It was a dinner. I met the guy at the restaurant and that was going to be that.”
“What happened?” Billie’s mouth was in a straight line. She was really unhappy with me.
“Osi was there. He was with a bunch of business men, uhm some investment group and Trigger stopped to talk to them.”
“Wait,” Zoe interrupted me, “Trigger was the guy’s name, like the horse?”
I sighed because that was the least important detail of the story. “Yes.”
“Jesus, you rich people and the stupid nicknames,” Layla giggled.
“Anyway, after I tried to explain to Osi. That it wasn’t anything.”
“How’d that go?” Billie’s tone was hard.
“Not well.”
“Back up a little,” Billie was giving me a questioning look, “you don’t do anything that you don’t want to do. Come on Ramsay, why’d you really go out with this Trigger guy?”
I weighed my options. I could get up and storm out but that would be rude and I had asked for their help. I went with honesty. “I wanted to see if I…I dunno,” I felt my cheeks grow warm with embarrassment. “I guess I wanted to see if I was horny and any guy could get me worked up.”
“She’s trying a different way to rabbit.” Zoe was speaking to Layla.
“I bet you figured it out pretty quickly.” Layla winked at me.
Since those two were warmer than the chilly reception that I was getting from Billie, I directed my words to them. “About two minutes in but I didn’t want to be rude.” I rolled my eyes. “He talked about himself and his business. He never asked me anything about my job or my life.”
“So you didn’t sleep with the guy?” Billie asked.
“Of course not,” I squealed giving my best friend the evil eye.
“I would think that it might take some effort to find someone that can,” Layla cleared her throat and I noticed that her cheeks were pink, “give you what you crave.”
I felt my eyes go big. I’d never discussed my sexual needs with anybody.
“When you were with Osi later that night, things…they were consensual right? Zoe was watching me closely.
“Yes, God Osi would never...” I ended that with a frustrated sound that came from deep in my throat.
“Calm down, I wasn’t accusing. I just want to better understand how you left things.” Zoe tried to soothe me.
“How did you know?” I wasn’t upset that Zoe and Layla seemed to know about the games that Osi and I enjoyed.
“Our men aren’t just alpha they are all dominant personalities, it only makes sense that it carries over to all parts of their lives.” Zoe spoke with authority.
“Only one of us gets cuffed and it ain’t Tye,” Billie said with a sly smile.
“Brian did once but it was because I won a bet,” Cress shared and then broke out in a fit of giggles.
They understood, I felt a bit of relief. “It was like that from the start with Osi. We didn’t negotiate or discuss, that first night, he took over.” I recalled.
“And you let him, repeatedly,” Billie observed.
“Well he gets his, too.” I went back to that defensive place.
“This wasn’t my area of study but I think our men, they are all leaders in their own right but they also are protectors and enjoy caring for us.” Cress spoke knowledgably. “So the power games the shifting of control would appeal.”
“But he didn’t stay that night.” I recalled in a rough voice. “I had to beg him to come over and I tried to explain. Then we, we had sex and he left.”
“You hurt him,” Billie bit out each word.
“We process things differently,” Cress tried to soften her opinion. “Maybe he needed some space.”
“Don’t candy coat it for her.” Billie stood and walked to the table and brought back the bottle of wine. “You’ve made him chase you for months. When you went to St. Bart’s you two shared things, grew closer, those were your own words Ramsay.” She poured more wine in my glass and then handed the bottle to Layla. “So because things are going good, you…I don’t know have to run a test or you got scared and had to go on a date. How is Osi supposed to feel Ramsay?”
“I never made any promises,” I defended myself.
“Exactly and I’m starting to wonder if you are capable of doing that.” Billie’s tone cut through me.
Now I was mad. Not the rational built-up kind but the trapped in the corner and through anything that I could get my hands on kind. “Maybe I don’t want what you have. Not everyone gets the successful man who worships them.” I got to my feet also. “I don’t need it.”
“Don’t you dare make it sound like I’m inferior because I have a husband.” Billie stood ramrod straight.
“Maybe you need somebody more than I do.” I threw at her.
“Hey,” Zoe scooted to the edge of the sofa, “stop. You both are upset and saying things.”
Billie didn’t heed her warning, “So because I have PTSD, now I’m weak? I need a man? Well honey, let’s step back in time. When things got rough in Denver, you got on a plane and went to L.A. and the night that you and Osi stayed with me, you didn’t hang around in the room to help. No you hightailed it across the hall and hid while Cress and Osi went through the attack with me. So yeah, I’ll take my weakness over yours any day.”
“Billie, I…” I started to apologize.
She turned on her heel and patted her thigh as she headed to the door. “Come on dogs.” They followed her immediately. At the door she turned back to face me. “Look, I’m sorry that you and Osi are having problems but you made these. You are going to have to live with them.”
“But I said that I’m sorry.” I said lamely.
“Sometimes it isn’t enough.” She shrugged. “Did you even ask if you could tell us about his son or is that something else that you should apologize for?” She opened the door and left.
“Oh honey,” Zoe said as she poured wine in her glass.
“I knew but that was because of a scheduling thing.” Layla was now giving a disappointed look.
“Well it’s pretty obvious that I suck as a girlfriend and as a friend.” I looked at the door. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen Billie so angry.
“You know I think in ways you and I are alike.” Cress’ voice made me stop looking at the door.
“How so?” She shopped at Target and had stopped practicing medicine. I got through college but my grades weren’t stellar.
She frowned, “I don’t think tonight is the time for that talk. Maybe another day when you aren’t feeling attacked.”
Those words hurt me. I was acting out and these women, who I admired for their strength were watching me meltdown. “I think I’d better go.” I said quietly.
Zoe followed me to the door. “Ramsay, I know that you are going through a lot. There are some things that you can’t schedule or plan for.” She took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Maybe you should take a little time to slow down and think about what you want.”
I hugged Zoe. When I let her go, I choked out the words, “She’s really mad at me.” I meant about our past and what I’d said tonight.
“She loves you and if you think about it. Billie has never had the opportunity to run. When she was kidnapped, she had to figure out a way to stay alive and then to save herself. She deals with her PTSD. I don’t think she understands why you don’t stay and confront things. I mean you’d never back down when negotiating a fee or going over charges on a bill.”
I swallowed hard. “She’s strong and I’m not, really. Plus deep down, I’m not…” I reached for the word, good, worthy, loveable.
“But you are and that’s why she’s so upset. You don’t know how amazing you really are.” Zoe told me with a look of intensity on her face.
“Sure,” I sighed not believing her.
She searched my face and saw my disbelief. “It hurts me too, but I can’t make you believe in yourself, only you can do that.”
Suddenly, I needed fresh air. I needed to get away from all of my churning emotions. I needed space. “I’m going to go.”
“Okay but call me tomorrow.”
I went to my place and grabbed my purse. I then took the elevator to the garage. I got in my car and drove for hours with the windows down and the radio playing loud to drown out the noise in my head.