Tia

 

 I go into the station early the next day, without Dad, hoping to catch Logan at the end of his shift before he goes home to bed. The weather is worsening. It looks like more snow is on the way. But I don’t care about going out into the cold; I want to see Logan every chance I get, though I’ll see him properly later once he’s caught up on sleep.

But when I ask Adam if he’s seen Logan, Adam shakes his head. “He had to get off early. Some crisis at home.”

Oh my god, Alice! “Did he say what it was?”

“No. He stayed on call in case we needed him, but it was a quiet night. There was nothing much happening, so no harm done. Chief won’t be happy if he finds out, though. Not unless it was life and death.”

“I guess not. But then, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

I text Logan to ask him if there’s anything I can do. No response. All kinds of scenarios go through my head. Is he at the hospital with Alice, his sister, or one of her kids?

It’s two hours later before he sends me a text. “Sorry I missed you at the station. I’ll catch you later.”

Is that it? All he’s going to tell me? After I sat here worrying for two hours, unable to say anything at all to Dad when he arrived? Having to pretend nothing was amiss? I’m not putting up with that. Logan is getting a piece of my mind when I see him.

I feel like going home. I’m so worried and annoyed I can’t focus on anything. I catch Dad looking at me and pretend to update a file. It’s a relief when he goes out to one of his fire safety committee meetings.

I give up trying to do anything productive and scroll through the comments on the station’s Facebook page to see if I need to delete any spam. Catching a picture of Logan and Alice at Christmas, I stop. Someone posted it on the Bexford Station Facebook page under my Merry Christmas post. I didn’t think Logan would do that.

I scroll down, and there’s one more picture of them I haven’t seen, but also two of Alice and a woman who is not Emma. My heart thumps. I take the comments down.

They don’t belong on the page, but it’s as if I’m going through the motions of removing any kind of inappropriate content, as if the whole thing hadn’t knocked the wind out of me. It’s the text with the pictures which upsets me the most. “Boxing Day with my baby and Firefighter Logan Patterson.”

I can’t believe what I saw. I don’t want to believe. I want to take another look, but I deleted the comments already.

It doesn’t matter. I know I’m not mistaken. His ex-wife, or someone who knows her, posted those pictures. Logan and his ex and Alice at Christmas. He didn’t mention a word to me about any of it. That he’d seen her. That they’d taken pictures. She looked quite normal to me, a pretty blond woman. Not an addict living in a sleazy hovel.

I text him. “When were you going to tell me about your ex-wife coming back on the scene?”

I sit there for the afternoon, not knowing what to do. Logan doesn’t even answer.

When it’s time to go home, Dad catches me in tears. I thought he had gone. To his credit, he just asks “Logan?” and when I nod, he doesn’t say “I told you so.” He says he’ll drive me home. We can pick up my car anytime. “I don’t want you driving in that state. It’s icy, and the conditions are getting worse.”

He’s right. It’s snowing heavily now, and the wind has turned that into a blizzard, making it difficult to see on the road. But I don’t care about the weather right now. It can snow all it wants.

Why didn’t I just do what I said I was going to do and have fun, not take any guy seriously? Why did I have to trust Logan? Why did I fall in love with him so fast? Stupid, stupid me.

I follow Dad out to the car. Logan is waiting by mine, his thick jacket covered in snow, his hair soaking. I ignore him. He can wait all he likes.

“Please, Tia,” he says, his words barely reaching me due to the driving snow. “Let me explain.”

I stop. I should just go home with Dad. But when I hear the pleading note in Logan’s voice, I can’t just turn my back and leave him there standing in the blizzard.

And I have to know the worst. Then I can draw a line through yet another relationship. I should get a prize for being the biggest failure at picking men on the planet. My picker is well and truly faulty. Fucked, as Cassie would say. I wish I had her advice right now.

“Don’t drive home yourself,” Dad says. “If you have to speak to Logan, I’ll just wait.”

“No, Dad. I don’t know how long I’ll be.” I can’t have him watching, interfering. “I’ll get a taxi.”

“Make Logan drive you home, then. He’s trained for the conditions.”

I can’t believe Dad is not making more fuss about Logan upsetting me.

I think he catches me looking at him. He shrugs. “You should have seen the fights I had with your mother in the early days. I know you won’t take any crap. I brought you up better than that.”

I go over to Logan. “Where’s Alice?” I ask. I’m afraid he’s going to say she’s with her mother, that the ground has shifted far from the story he told me and I believed, but he doesn’t.

“She’s been with Emma all day, and she’s going to stay there tonight. I thought it was better not to bring her out in the snow. I had to see you.”

“You can see me now.”

“Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“Do I want to hear what you have to say?”

“I hope so. My car?” he asks.

I nod. I can hardly breathe, fearful what he’s going to say. He puts the heater on, and it’s only then I notice how cold I am, how rigidly I’ve been holding myself. My legs are shaking.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I wanted to keep you out of this.”

“That’s clear. How could you? I thought we were being honest with each other. I thought I could trust you.”

“You can.”

“How can I? Your ex-wife, Logan! The one you told me was addicted to alcohol, maybe to drugs. You were with her at Christmas, taking photos, being a family. You know how I feel about that. If she’s still around, there’s no room for me. I’m not going to get in the way if you’re getting back together.”

“There’s no way that’s going to happen. She just turned up at Emma’s the day after Christmas, when we all had our guard down. When the doorbell sounded, she was the last person I expected to see, believe me. She said she was trying to get clean, and she wanted to see her daughter. I didn’t have the heart to turn her away at Christmas.”

“You didn’t say a word. That hurts, Logan.”

“I know. I should have told you right away. I didn’t know what to make of her. How to describe the change in her, why she’d shown up, exactly, because I didn’t really believe her. Not deep down. But was that just me remembering what she did in the past? I didn’t know. I wanted to work it out before I told you. But then we did work it out, and I wanted to forget she had ever turned up.”

“Oh?”

“The day after she came and went, Emma noticed one of her rings was missing, and money from her purse. Quite a lot of money. While Philippa was pretending she wanted to see Alice, snapping pictures, playing at being a reformed alcoholic and mother, she was looking for what she could steal.”

“But why did she post the pictures on the station Facebook page? What was the point of that?”

“Is that how you found out she showed up? She posted the pictures she took at Emma’s house?”

“Yes.”

“She’s such a bitch. Emma told her about you. I think she was worried that Philippa was trying to get back in with me too, that she hadn’t shown up just to see Alice. Emma has seen the hell I went through with my marriage breaking up. And you know about protective family members, right?”

I have to smile at that. “Right.”

“Philippa feigned interest, asked how I met you. Looks like she still hates me for not falling to pieces when she left. I guess she wanted more revenge than trying to spoil Christmas for me and my sister. But I should have told you myself. I’m so sorry. By not wanting to upset you, I made everything worse. I thought she’d done what she came to do, take what wasn’t hers and that was that. And we wouldn’t hear from her until the next time she wanted something. It could have been years, or never at all with her track record.”

“What about today? Why didn’t you answer me? I was worried, Logan.”

“She showed up again on Emma’s doorstep, as if that would work a second time with my sister. But this time she was drunk, and she’d taken a lot of pills so that might explain why she wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe she posted those pictures as a final act of revenge. I don’t know. Emma called an ambulance, and then she called me.”

“Oh my god. Where is Philippa now?”

“In the Western General hospital. She’ll live. So everything you thought you were getting with me just got a whole heap worse. She’s not my responsibility, but she’ll probably keep showing up. Just tell me if this is all too much for you.”

“It’s not too much. It’s not your fault, Logan. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I just want you to promise me that you’ll share everything that happens, the good and the bad. Don’t keep stuff from me.”

“You’ll hear everything the minute it happens from now on. I love you, Emma. I’m sorry I hurt you by not telling you.”

My heart pounds in my chest, hearing his words. “You love me?”

“I do. I should have told you that sooner, too.”

“When did you know?”

“The Christmas party. That first kiss. Maybe before that.”

I laugh. “You were just in lust then. You couldn’t possibly have loved me that quickly.”

“Maybe. But look what lust turned into.”

He kisses me. And it’s perfect. As always.

“Yes, it turned into something great. I love you too, Logan Patterson.”

“I thought I’d never hear you say it. Not after I got your text today.”

“Me neither. But here we are in a blizzard outside the fire station, and I’m saying it.”