Willow

 

I’d never forget the fear in Conner’s eyes, willing me to tell him I was all right. I glanced over at Steele, who stood with his thick arms crossed, pity etched deep in his expression. Lena stood next to him, both her arms folded around her middle, her demeanor rigid but relieved.

“I needed to use the restroom halfway through the fight, but held off because I didn’t want to miss any of it. After you won, I went, knowing I’d have enough time before meeting you here.” I shivered at the memory.

Conner stroked my hair, urging me to go on.

“I didn’t think to check the toilet paper roll before I locked myself in the stall. There were other women in there, so I didn’t think anything about asking the person next to me to hand me a couple of squares under the stall.” I swallowed thickly, trembling at the memory.

“But when the person next to me handed me the toilet paper, I could clearly see that it was a man’s hand. I took it from him, finally pausing to listen for other voices. I didn’t hear any, and for the first time since I’d entered the bathroom, I realized I was alone with a strange man.”

“Fuck!” Conner swore. Agony filled his face, and Steele moved toward us.

“I’m okay. He didn’t hurt me. But Navie . . .” I winced, knowing she was hurt. “I didn’t get the chance to make sure she was okay, because Lena and Steele burst through the door just as she was going hands-on with him.”

“Who? Who’s he?” I asked.

“It was the same guy who cornered you in Vegas,” Steele spoke up.

Conner put his forehead on my hand that was clutching the arm of the chair. Confusion set in as I realized what Steele had said.

“What guy?” I asked Conner.

“We need a minute,” Conner said to Steele and Lena.

“Man, we still have to give a statement to the police. They’re with Navie now, in the next room.” Steele didn’t budge.

“We need a minute,” Conner repeated, but this time he pinned Steele with a look so dark, a whole new concern grew in my gut.

“We’ll be outside.” Steele wrapped an arm around Lena, and they both walked out, leaving us alone.

Conner stood beside me, the silence stretching out so far, I wondered if he was ever going to explain. Then he growled and hung his head. “His name is Mikey Godwin. We served time in the same prison. We never got along. He found me in Vegas, the night—”

“The night of Steele’s fight?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Did he touch you?”

“He—scared me,” I admitted.

“Did he touch you?” The darkness in Conner’s eyes scared me.

“No. Navie walked in and…Conner, she got hurt.” I wiped a tear from my eye and sniffed. Lord, I felt so bad. That girl had saved me, and got hurt in the process.

“What happened?” He walked back over and knelt in front of me. “Tell me, baby. Tell me everything.”

“After I took the toilet paper, I pulled my pants up and tried to think of what to do next. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and sent a text to Lena, telling her where I was. I hadn’t thought to do that before. I should have just made it back to you first.”

He grabbed my face. “Don’t you dare do that. Don’t blame yourself for this.”

I shook off the inner turmoil and continued. “I stayed in the stall, waiting, but he ripped it open. He broke the lock.”

Tears pooled in Conner’s eyes. I took a deep breath and finished telling him the chain of events. “He told me that payback was a bitch, and that you were going to feel the pain of losing the one thing you loved.”

“Baby.” Conner let out a sob and pulled me into his arms. I held on just as tight, both of us breathing the best we could through our tears. I was still shaking when I pulled back.

“Navie walked in when he had me backed up into the corner. She questioned him, and I yelled for help. The next thing I knew, she was wailing on him. He grabbed her by the hair and threw her down. Her back landed against the sink. She lunged back at him, punching, kicking, anything she could do. She looked like you would look fighting him. I tried to help her, but I wasn’t much help. He hit her twice. Conner, she was bleeding.”

Conner stood abruptly. Pacing back and forth, his hands kept flexing into clenched fists. He looked ready to tear the roof off the place.

I called his name twice, but he didn’t answer me. I stood and walked over to him. “Conner?” I pulled his face down to mine so that we were eye level.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“No. You can’t.”

“The fuck you say? I’m going to murder him.”

“Listen to me. The police have him. They caught him. They are talking with Navie now, and—”

Before I could finish, two detectives walked in, followed by Steele and Lena.

One recorded my statement, while the other took notes. I told them everything I knew, including what Conner had just revealed about knowing the guy from prison. Conner paced the length of the locker room during the entire retelling of my story.

Lena sat shocked on the arm of the chair I was sitting in. Every time I mentioned Conner, or his past, she tensed up. I hated that my best friend was learning everything all at once. I would have felt guilty, had I not been so shaken up.

Steele stood quietly in the corner, listening to me, but kept his focus solely on Conner; making sure he was okay, I imagined.

Twenty minutes later, the detectives made their exit. Lena hugged me, hanging on for dear life. Conner and Steele whispered fervently in the corner, back and forth, until Steele cupped his shoulder, willing him to calm down. Whatever he’d said didn’t work.

Conner made a beeline toward me. “Let’s go.” He grabbed my shoes from the floor and began putting them on my feet.

It was as if he couldn’t stand to hear another word about what had transpired. I tugged his arm when we passed the next room on our way out. I couldn’t leave without seeing Navie. Walking inside, we found her sitting on a gurney in nothing but a bra, getting her ribs taped by one of the trainers. She winced as the guy wrapping her tugged.

I gasped at the sight of her. “Navie.” My voice broke.

“How are you?” she asked.

“Don’t worry about me. Are you okay? I’m so sorry.”

“I’m fine, Willow. I’m just glad he got caught.”

“Me too.” I didn’t dare tell her that Conner knew the man who’d hurt her.

Conner closed the gap between us, leading me the whole way by the hand. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I can never repay you for helping Willow.”

“It was nothing. It was just being at the right place at the right time.”

“Still. If you ever need anything, you come to me. You saved my life tonight.” Conner held out his hand for her to shake.

Navie looked from Conner to me, her eyes softening as she realized how much I meant to him. She shook his hand and nodded. “I appreciate that.”

The trainer left her side and she pulled her blouse back over her head. I approached her, wanting to hug her, but at the same time, not wanting to hurt her more. “Thank you.”

She pulled me in, patting me on the back. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Conner and I left, hand in hand. He didn’t loosen his grip on me until we got back to the hotel. I shot Lena and Steele a text, letting them know we were back. The adrenaline was leaving my body, I could feel the wariness setting in. I just wanted to go to bed and not wake up for three days, but I knew there was more to Conner’s story, and I needed to hear it.

“I don’t want any secrets between us.” I broke the silence.

Conner took my purse from my shoulder and placed it on the side table.

I wanted him to understand what I was saying. I needed him to get that after what had just happened, I was scared. That man, Mikey Godwin, had terrified me, and the only reason he’d targeted me was because of Conner. I wanted to know why. I deserved to know.

“I told you. I know him from prison.”

“But why did he try to hurt me? And why didn’t you tell me you had a run in with him in Vegas?”

Anyone else may not have noticed the small flinch in his shoulders at the mention of Vegas, but I had. My insides turned, knowing in that very moment, he hadn’t told me everything.

“I didn’t want to worry you with it.”

“So, you just figured you’d ignore it and it would go away?” I asked, sitting on the end of the bed.

He sighed and hung his head. “After Simone found me,” he averted his eyes, knowing that memory still stung, “she told me that a guy was asking about me. When I found out it was Mikey, I was shocked. I hadn’t had any contact with anyone from my time in prison. I never made one friend who I cared to know on the outside.” He knelt in front of me. “I confronted him. I knew he’d tracked me down, but I didn’t know why. I still don’t know why.”

“Go on,” I urged.

“When he wouldn’t tell me what he was doing there, I got pissed and left. That’s when I called you.” Something flickered in his eyes.

I prayed in that moment that he was just upset because that had been our first fight. But I knew Conner Payne well enough to know there was more to the story. I felt like my heart was bursting at the seams, clawing to get out of my chest. “Is there anything else?”

He grabbed my hands, rubbing them over and over, as if he were trying to keep warm. My feet tingled, setting off alarms all throughout my body. I remained silent as my palms began to perspire.

“I can’t,” he uttered. Pain spread across his face as he looked up at me, taking his concentration off our entwined hands.

“I won’t assume. I promised you that much, and I aim to keep it. But you promised some things yourself. Don’t be a coward. Don’t lie to me.” I expected the truth, and he would have to say it out loud. I wouldn’t say the words for him.

“You already know. Just make your decision.” He pulled away from me and stood.

“Not until you admit it.” I was so angry, I couldn’t even cry. My heart raced, hanging on every word he wasn’t saying.

     After everything I’d just gone through, the distance I felt with him in that moment affected me more.

I stood, matching his stance. Working up my courage, I knew what I had to do. I knew that if I didn’t do it then, right in the moment, I’d never do it, and our lives together would never know peace. “We’re done. I can’t and won’t carry your burden.”

He spun on a dime, eyes wide with fear. “I haven’t asked you to.”

“No, you’ve forced me to, because you keep it secret. I love you enough to help you in any way I can. You should know that. But lying to me and continuing on your path of self-destruction? No. I won’t be a part of that. Been there and done that. I care more about myself than that.” I snatched my purse off the table and walk to the door.

“Wait! God, please wait,” he begged.

I stopped, and stood with my back to him. I closed my eyes, not knowing up from down. I let the silence speak for itself. I waited, wordlessly letting him know I’d at least listen to what he had to say.

“I did,” he finally said. “I got wasted in Vegas. After I called you back and you accused me of drinking…I lost it. I’d just dealt with the Simone shit. Not two minutes after that, I was confronted by Mikey, and my mind raced with reasons he was seeking me out. I knew none of them were good. But most of all, I couldn’t believe that after all we’d been through, after the way I’d opened up to you, you didn’t think more of me. You just assumed that I turned to the bottle the moment I wasn’t with you.”

I turned to look at him. “And I was right.”

“Not when you assumed it, you weren’t. I hadn’t had a drop up until that point. I just lost it. I thought we were beyond shit like that. I have never—ever—accused you of using. Even though I know about your past, I’ve never accused you of going back there. But you did. It hurt me that you didn’t think better of me.”

Tears strolled down his cheeks. I tried not to follow his lead, but it was no use. Seeing him so real and raw, it broke me.

“It killed me when you didn’t trust me. I got pissed and made a mistake. I swear, Willow. It will never happen again. Never. I’ll die before I take another drink.”

“I can’t—” I tried to speak through my tears. My emotions were all over the place. Breathing and walking at the same time seemed impossible at that moment.

He was in front of me within seconds. “Listen to me!” His large hands cupped my shoulders. “I swear on my life. I can’t lose you. You are all that I have.”

“Conner, this is too much.”

“I need to know that you’re not giving up on us.” His face contorted, leaving the agony clear for me to see. “I need to know that I still have something to fight for.”

“I just need some time. I’m exhausted. I can’t deal with all this right now.” I sniffed, feeling like a ship lost at sea.

“Look at me.” His hands cradled my face, forcing my eyes to his. “I love you, so damn much. And I promise you, it will never happen again. None of this. The drinking, Simone, a criminal from my past, lies, none of it.”

God, the depth of my feelings for him scared me, and for the life of me, I couldn’t fight them. The uncertainty terrified me. The chance of him hurting me, of me feeling helpless once again, haunted me. But one look at him and I knew I’d forgive him.

It was then I first noticed the cut above his eye. It had stopped bleeding, but a harsh purple bruise was already forming. His lip was busted at the corner, and there was no telling what the rest of his body looked like.

I’d never seen or heard him be so adamant about something. I felt as if I were stepping off a cliff without a harness. It was the first time since my own incident, I’d been faced with a relapse, and I didn’t know what to do next.

I stood motionless as he cradled my face, willing me to forgive him for a mistake he’d made. I realized that maybe my words earlier weren’t correct. Maybe the whole point of loving an addict wasn’t carrying their burden. Maybe it was holding them up, pushing with all your might against their backs, while they carried their own burden. Maybe, all he needed from me was a little support.

I chose to forgive him in that moment.

“Okay.” I nodded, feeling resolved for the first time in a long time.

“Okay? Okay, what? You’ll forgive me?” His voice cracked.

“I will.”

He sobbed in relief and hugged me. “I love you, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that to you. I swear.” His embrace got tighter the longer I stayed quiet.

“I love you, too. Please just be honest with me. If you have a moment, just tell me, and we can work through it. I know—I know how hard it is.” I stumbled on my words. It was humbling, forgiving someone. The heaviness I’d felt in my heart only moments before, dissipated into something beautiful. I felt stronger, more in tune with him. I understood the embarrassment that failing had caused him.

     He hugged me tight, squeezing twice. “We’re going home,” he said into my hair.

“Tonight?” I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.

He pulled his phone out, clicking away as I yawned. “We depart in two hours.” He continued typing on his phone, not phased in the least about getting us home after all we’d been through.

“But it’s so late. Wouldn’t you rather sleep here and leave tomorrow?”

“No. I’m getting you out of this place. We’re going home, and sleeping in my bed. In my house, where I know it’s safe.”

“What about Lena and Steele?” I asked.

“He’s taking care of her. I just texted him.”

“Okay…but—”

“No buts, baby. I want us to go home.”

 

***

 

The sun filtering through the cracks in the blinds made its way through my closed eyelids. I squinted and stretched, and dull pain pulsated through my spine. My back felt shredded and stiff. I rolled over, throwing my legs up near the headboard trying to stretch it further.

“You look beautiful.” Conner’s deep voice startled me.

“Geez! Let a girl wake up before you do that!” I giggled.

“Sorry.” He smiled. “Can you wake up like that every morning from here on out?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, because if I did, my feet would be over your head, and my thighs on top of your face.”

“I know.” He winked.

I shook my head, and rolled my eyes. “You’re in a good mood, considering.” I pushed my body into a sitting position, my feet dangling above the floor.

“Not in a good mood, just happy you’re safe. Besides, I like you waking up here.” He brought a coffee cup to the bedside table and knelt between my legs. “What if you woke up here every morning?”

I wasn’t awake enough for him to drop bombs like that on me. “You mean, like move in?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“For one thing, we almost broke up last night.” I hated to dwell on something so negative, but the fact remained.

His barely-there smile broke my heart. He nodded, like he understood my reasoning, but disappointment remained in his eyes. He stood up and patted my legs, before heading back out to the kitchen. “It’s cool. I get it.”

I wanted to rush after him and apologize for being so frank, but I didn’t. I took my time getting dressed, and decided that a little time apart would be good for us. That way, we could both collect our thoughts. Everything had been so overwhelming the past couple of days. It would do us both some good to be alone with our feelings for a day or two.

I walked out into the kitchen. “Hey. I’m going to head home. Thank you for—”

“You’re not going home.” He turned around from the sink, in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. Both his hands rested casually on the counter behind him.

“Why not?” In an odd moment, I realized how clean his kitchen was. I wondered how long he’d been awake.

“Are you fucking serious? You were literally in danger less than twenty-four hours ago. I’m not letting you out of my sight until that bastard is officially behind bars. As in staying there for a long time with no mention of bailing out.”

I blew out a frustrated breath. “When you put it like that. . . .”

“I’m putting it like that. I know you want some space. I can tell. But you’re going to do it with me around, in the same house. Sorry.” He wasn’t sorry. Not in the least.

“Can we go to my house to get some of my stuff then?” I conceded.

“Absolutely.” He grinned.