Willow

 

“Tell me.” I could tell whatever he was about to admit was hard for him. I typically liked quiet people. I’d always been drawn to them. I loved that I never knew where they stood, or what they were thinking. They could’ve been a hundred miles away or fantasizing about a cupcake for all I knew. But now that I was witnessing the shadows behind his eyes, the anxiousness and vulnerability in them, I silently wondered what the appeal ever was.

He wiped his palms on his jeans and chewed on the inside of his jaw, setting off alarm bells in my mind.

“Conner?” I spoke gently, almost as if I were talking to a child.

He stopped and looked at me for the first time since he’d started pacing. “Yeah?”

I patted the seat cushion. “Come sit beside me.” I wanted to hold his hand, so he wouldn’t feel so alone.

He sat down, awkwardly putting off a restless energy. I brought our hands together, squeezing once for comfort. He took in our clasped hands, then smiled sadly to himself.

“I used to be in real estate,” he said, his voice thick with memory. “Had a decent life. Made decent money.” He shrugged and sighed. “This is fucking hard.”

I thought he was going to pull away from me. The storm brewing in his eyes frightened me. He was struggling, and I wasn’t used to seeing him like that. His hands trembled in mine. His right leg bounced with nerves, and I worried he would back out.

He blew out a deep breath and looked me straight in the eyes. “I trust you. And I’m not sure why. I’ve never felt the need to tell someone this.”

Seeing the look in his eyes, the way his knee pressed tightly against mine, and the complete crack in his outer appearance, hit me like a ton of bricks. It was as if my body had forgotten the simple task of breathing. Tightness filled my chest, causing me to exhale slowly. I made no fast movements because I was afraid he might spook and not finish.

“Nine years ago, I drove drunk, had a wreck, and killed the driver of the other vehicle.”

My brain buzzed, so many thoughts circling around the small space; dizziness shook me, making me feel lightheaded. Conner was no killer. He couldn’t have been responsible for taking an innocent life. Could he? But he just told me he was.

Sympathy flooded every cell in my body. I couldn’t believe he’d had to live with something so heavy. No wonder he was wounded. Carrying that burden was almost unreal. I’d made mistakes. Many of them. But all the bodily pain I’d ever caused had been to myself. I’d never hurt anyone else. Not physically anyway. My heart broke for him.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, and moved our clasped hands onto his thigh as I leaned closer. “I’m sorry that happened.” My breath sped up, not knowing what he was going to do or say next.

“You have no idea.”

I pulled him closer. I might have needed the intimacy as much as him, but either way, I had to console him. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and clutched him so tight, it seemed as if I were the stronger one. He leaned into me and I held him.

After a while, I pulled away, but still kept contact. I had questions. Before I could ask them, he spoke again.

“I went to prison. I’m a convicted felon.”

I fought to keep my composure, but my eyes widened. There was such vulnerability in his voice; something so sincere, I couldn’t look away. I found myself wanting to fix all his hurts because I could see just how deep they were burrowed into the depths of his soul.

“I get if this is too much, I just—well,” he said and pulled away. “I thought if we were going to hang out, you should know.”

Cool air hit my legs as he created space between us. I pressed my hand on his thigh, rooting him in his spot. “I appreciate you telling me.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek, wishing I had more to say. My gaze dropped to his large, tanned hands that were constantly ringing each other. Swallowing, I added, “Thank you for today. I don’t know what would have happened if you’d not shown up.”

“It was nothing.” He shrugged. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

The silence grew, taking on a life of its own. For the life of me, I didn’t know what to say. How could I ever heal that part of him? It had taken me years to forgive myself for not loving myself enough to care what happened to me. Years.

I couldn’t imagine taking the responsibility of ending someone else’s life, and putting that in a box in my brain, where I could live with it and accept it. A place where I could still be okay—

have peace in my life. I ached for him bone deep, knowing all the support in the world wouldn’t fix the hurt he carried around with him every day. I wanted to tell him that everything would be okay, and that we’d figure it out, but I just didn’t know if that was true.

“I’m going to go. Give you some time to digest everything. It’s cool either way, really.” He stood. Tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans, he appeared less confident than I’d ever seen him. “You know I’m private.” His gaze met mine head on. “I’d appreciate if we could keep what I told you just between us.”

“Conner, I’d never . . .” I reached out to touch his arm, but pressed my hand to my stomach instead. “You can trust me.”

Pain flickered in his eyes as they focused on my middle. His shoulders fell forward as he nodded, then he walked toward the front door.

“Wait.” I stretched my pinky out to him.

Even though he didn’t smile, the lines around his eyes relaxed. He took hold of my pinky, and pressed his thumb to his lips. “I’ll see you around, Willow. I’m sorry about—well, about everything. If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

Before I could thank him again, he walked out.

I stood in turmoil at the large bay window, and watched him drive away. Hollowness hit the pit of my stomach. It hurt. I felt as if I’d just lost something I never quite had.

 

***

 

“Know anybody hiring?” I asked the second Lena picked up my call.

“Why?”

“I quit my job.” I sighed.

“What?”

“Andy’s a dick. He tried to come onto me, and I think he’s on something. He’s a freaking mess.”

“Gross. He didn’t touch you, did he?”

I was glad we were on the phone. If we had been together, she would have picked up on my lies. “No. He was aggressive though. He cornered me at work, and Conner walked in at the end of it. It was intense.”

She gasped. “Wait. Conner? What was he doing at your work? What did he say? What did Andy do? Oh my god! What did you do?”

“Conner was…concerned.” I grimaced at the memory. “But thankfully, Andy left before things got out of hand.”

“And why was Conner at your office? You little minx! Are you guys hooking up?”

“No. Well, I think we might have, had he not walked in on me and Andy arguing, but—it’s complicated.”

She laughed. “What’s complicated? He’s hot, Will. Go for it.”

If only it were about his looks. That part was definitely not complicated. “I don’t know. We’re talking though.” It wasn’t exactly a lie.

“I’ve got a meeting in five. I’ll come over after work, and I’m bringing wine.”

I laughed and hung up. Wine cured many things, but I had a feeling it wasn’t going to touch the troubles I had going on at the moment.

Two hours later, my eyes were crossing. I’d searched every classified ad within a thirty-mile radius. After ten emails and two phone calls, it seemed I had three possibilities. Working in a bar wasn’t my first pick, but I’d do what I had to do until I could find something else. Next was a local newspaper—my old rival—but I’d not burned any bridges with their editor, so I was hoping my chances were good. The last was a women’s magazine, which included working from home. Freelancing, basically. I would have rather talked to someone personally, but they were only taking applications online.

I fought my urge to drive down to the gym all day. Finding that, even with all the confusion and uncertainty, all I wanted to do was see Conner. I wanted to touch him, and make up for every sad thought he’d had since the last time I saw him.

The lights were still on, but just as I thought, Steele’s Jeep was the only one in the parking lot. I glanced around, taking in my surroundings before I walked to the door. It was locked, so I knocked a few times, hoping he could hear me. In my edginess, I rocked back and forth on my heels, with my arms crossed tightly over my chest. It was dark, and cooler than I’d expected. My long-sleeved T-shirt did little to keep the chill from my body.

His expression as he unlocked the door told me he wasn’t exactly happy to see me. Either that, or he was surprised. Once I made my way inside, there was no doubt it was the former.

“What’s up?” He locked the door back and stood in front of it, not inviting me in any farther.

“I want to talk to you, if you have a minute.”

“Look. I’m not really cool with getting involved in Conner’s shit. I like you, Willow. And I know that he likes you, but if you have questions, you need to ask him.”

Obviously, I wasn’t hiding my emotions very well. “I get that.” The confidence I’d just had moments before dwindled at his words. “I’m not looking for his life story. Well, not from you, I guess. I’m just confused. I need someone who is not me, for reasons I won’t go into right now, to reassure me that he’s solid. Deep down, I know he is, but what he told me shocked me.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say. I don’t know what he shared with you, and it’s none of my business. But I will tell you that Payne is one of the best dudes I’ve ever met. We’re tight.”

“Look, I know this is weird, and probably a little immature on my part.” I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “I like him. I do. But my track record with bad boys is longer than I care to admit. I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m vulnerable to anything toxic. And for the life of me, I don’t think he is, but my feelings for him already scare me. After all the years I’ve invested in myself, making myself a stronger person, I just want to make sure what I’m feeling for him isn’t blinding me.”

Steele shook his head, as if trying to convince me I was wrong about his friend. He rounded the tall counter in the lobby and took a seat on the stool, settling in for our conversation. He was more relaxed now, but hadn’t let his guard down. His hands were clasped on top of the counter, as if he were speaking to a client instead of a friend. “He’s got issues, but we all do. If you’re suggesting he’s toxic, I’d have to disagree.”

“Oh God, no. That’s not what I was saying. I just—I care about him. And I want to make sure that if he and I were to make a go at it, it would be a positive thing for both of us.” I didn’t want him to misunderstand what my concerns were. I only wanted to talk to someone who knew Conner better than anyone. And since I wasn’t ready to speak to Conner just yet, I figured voicing my uncertainties to his best friend would garner me an honest opinion.

Steele was being as serious as I’d ever seen him. “Look, we all have a past. All of us.” He pointed to himself, letting me know he wasn’t excluded. “If we walked around judging everyone on mistakes they’d made two, five, or even ten years ago…none of us would have friends.”

Talk about putting me in my place.

His words cut deep; flaying me open, he showed me what a hypocrite I was being. The truth was, I had secrets I was harboring too. And maybe Conner wouldn’t be able to deal with my baggage. I realized I’d come here looking for something that didn’t exist. No one could validate my feelings. No one could take responsibility for my insecurities. No one could forgive me for my own choices. That was an inside job.

“You’re right. I’m just scared, I guess. As you said, we’ve all got skeletons. I have to talk to him; tell him how I feel.” I smiled, thinking about the new revelation.

“You do that, but keep in mind that he has a fight in less than a week. He doesn’t need to be worn out.” He winked. Now that was the Steele I knew. “He’s got his eye on the prize, and I need him focused. His chances with the AFL are good.”

“Worn out?” I chuckled. “Shut up.”

His dimples appeared when I picked up on his perverse comment. And with that, Steele’s demeanor relaxed. He’d just been looking out for his friend, and I couldn’t blame him.

I hugged him and whispered in his ear. “I’m going to take care of him.”

He squeezed me tight, lifting me in the air. Just like that, the weight of our conversation had evaporated, and returned to the light-hearted friendship we’d been steadily building.