Chapter Seven
After their difficult Christmas, Colin and Beverly decided to stay in for New Years. She made one of their favorite meals, and they sat in front of the fire, playing Scrabble. She’d been a big fan in high school, but she hadn’t had anyone to play with in years. It was fun to have something to do with him and someone to play the game with her.
They had snacks for the evening, and she’d made a huge pot of soup for them to eat on all night. Just before midnight, they counted down together, kissing at the stroke of midnight. “I think I like our little private celebration better than being in Times Square for the holiday.”
“You’ve done New Years in Times Square?” He knew she was from New York, but it had never occurred to him she’d done the big celebration.
“My senior year in high school, I begged and begged to go. My boyfriend of the time was going, and he wanted me there too. We’d been dating for almost a year, and he wanted to do the midnight kiss thing.” She shrugged. “My parents finally agreed, but I had to call every hour to let them know I was still okay. Mom almost went with me, which would have mortified me.”
“I can see that.” He shook his head. “Growing up in Alaska has some good points, but having done things like that is not one of them. I’ve spent hours and hours hunting and doing everything I could to preserve the forests here. I even did some mountain climbing many years ago. But I have never been to New York City. It’s hard to believe there are that many people there. My mind just can’t fathom it.”
“I wish we could take a trip there. I think if I could show you what I love about it, you’d understand. I could take you to a play on Broadway and to Central Park…”
“I’ve never understood the Central Park thing. If you want to be surrounded by acres of wilderness, why wouldn’t you live in Alaska, instead of in the middle of a big city?”
She grinned. “You live in New York for all of the advantages. There are jobs everywhere, you can eat out at a million different places, or have just about anything brought in. If you want to go shopping there are so many different places to shop. You don’t have to drive hours to a grocery store.”
“But you don’t have Santa’s House. You don’t have wide open spaces. And most importantly, you don’t have me. Admit it, I’m worth staying in Alaska for!” The grin on Colin’s face had her shaking her head.
All she could think about was that he was worth staying for, but was she worth raising a child for? She couldn’t ask it, but it made her sad during what had been a wonderful night. Her baby mattered to her so much, and they had an agreement not to talk about her. How was she supposed to stay happy?
“Yes, you’re worth staying in Alaska for,” she said softly, leaning forward for his kiss. Somehow though, his words made her realize she wouldn’t be able to leave things as they were for much longer. She could enjoy being around him, and she would, but she also needed to be making plans for her and her daughter—whatever she decided to name her. She didn’t dare bring up the topic of baby names with him. Their agreement was too fragile still.
*****
By the end of January, Beverly was showing a great deal. She no longer fit into her clothes, and she had enlisted Amazon to getting her what she needed to wear. Her nightgowns still fit, but she preferred to wear actual clothes through the winter. She never knew when someone lost would come to their home for help in finding their way. Sure, they were far off the beaten path, but people weren’t exactly smart about following the park rules.
When she started getting the packages of clothes from Amazon, she moved all of her “normal clothes” to the spare room closet. She started collecting little pink clothes for the baby, and even chose a diaper bag. She knew she wouldn’t go a lot of places with the baby, but anywhere she went was far.
She ordered a crib, not realizing it would need to be assembled, so the day it arrived, near the end of February, she sat on the floor in the spare room and built a crib. She’d already had Colin disassemble the bed, and she was ready to work at getting the furniture ready for the baby. She was only about two months from the baby’s due date, and she didn’t feel like she was anywhere near ready.
Beverly decided on a Sesame Street theme for the baby’s room, so she worked to make things for the baby with the characters from the show on them. She already had a quilt hanging on the wall over where the crib would be, as well as sheets and a diaper pad cover that featured Big Bird.
She’d never assembled any furniture before, so she sat staring at the instructions, wondering what on earth she was thinking. She was almost seven months pregnant, and she was sitting on the floor in her baby’s room, building a crib alone. She hadn’t signed on for the single mother thing. All of a sudden, the tears began to flow. Why did she have to do this alone? It took two to make a baby, and she knew exactly who the father was. Didn’t he have a responsibility too?
Colin found her there, sitting on the floor, crying. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
She shook her head. “I need help building the crib, but I don’t feel like I can ask you, but I don’t know how to assemble furniture, but you hate my baby, so I need someone I can ask for help that’s not you.”
He followed her words, but just barely. “I’ll help you. I don’t hate the baby, I just don’t feel what you feel for her.” He reached down and took her hand, helping her to her feet. “You can’t be climbing on the floor in your condition. You’re huge!”
She started crying even harder at his words. “I can’t even see my feet anymore!”
He pulled her into his arms, stroking her back. “I can see them. I promise, they’re still there.”
Beverly gave a hiccupping laugh. “Well, that’s good to know. I wasn’t sure if they’d fallen off or something.”
“Not at all.” He nudged her toward the kitchen. “This is manly work. You go into the kitchen and make me some supper to eat after I finish my manly work.”
She glared at him. “Now you’re just being a pain in my butt!”
Colin grinned, sitting in the same spot she’d just vacated on the floor. “I’ll have this built in no time.”
Beverly hadn’t even had a thought about supper yet, so it was a good thing it would take him a while to build the crib. She hadn’t even put two pieces of the thing together. The crying had begun as soon as she’d looked at the instructions.
She quickly thawed some meat in the microwave, determined to make something special. He was helping her with something he wanted nothing to do with after all. They still hadn’t talked about the future and what would happen when the baby arrived, but neither of them were willing to upset their tentative truce by bringing it up.
She ended up making an enchilada casserole, finding that she was craving Mexican food and only Mexican food while she was pregnant. Colin still hadn’t complained about the massive amounts of tortillas and refried beans he’d been forced to consume.
When she got the casserole out of the oven, she went in to check on him and found him standing up and tightening what looked like the last bolt. “You got it done!” She flew at him, wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you so much!”
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. “I can help with things like this, you know. There’s no reason for you to be climbing on the floor trying to do everything yourself.”
“I just didn’t think you’d care to help build furniture for a baby you don’t even want.”
He sighed, hating that the subject had been broached. He’d done much better when he could pretend everything was fine between them. “I’m not doing it for the baby. I’m doing it for you.”
“Good. Cuz little Sara can’t help me build anything, and I obviously do not have the skills.” She looped her arm through his. “Supper’s ready. I made enchilada casserole.”
“That baby is going to come out with brown eyes and corn tortillas for skin.”
“Why brown eyes?”
“I’m thinking the exact color of refried beans…”
She giggled, thrilled that he was talking about the baby now. “Do you like the name Sara?”
He shrugged. “I guess if we need a name, Sara works.”
“It was my sister’s name.” She walked to the stove and served their meal, getting them both big glasses of water.
“You don’t talk about your sister much. Mainly just your parents. What was she like?”
Beverly shrugged. “She was five years younger than me, so I considered her a royal pain in my butt. I never really gave her credit for being Sara, just for being annoying. Does that make sense?”
“It does. And then she died and you felt guilty?”
“Yeah. I wish I’d gotten to know her. At her funeral, her teachers were talking about how bright and funny she was. Her friends kept saying that they couldn’t imagine going on without her. I didn’t know that Sara. I knew the Sara who hogged the bathroom and who was always experimenting with my make-up, even though she wasn’t allowed.”
“You shared a bathroom?”
“No, that’s what made me so mad. She’d use my bathroom, even though she had one of her own.” Beverly shrugged. “I have few memories of the good things about my sister, and I want my daughter named after her, so I can remember to look for the good in people, and not just the bad. Besides, I’ve always loved the name Sara.” She put his plate in front of him and sat down beside him, her hand sliding into his for their prayer.
“I’m glad you came up with a name you like.”
“Me too.” It was the most they’d talked about the baby since the day she told him she was expecting. She knew it was odd, but it gave her hope for the future.
He changed the subject then, telling her about a tourist who was camping in the park in the snow, and didn’t have a sleeping bag. “He said he liked cold, and he was going to be fine without one.” Colin shook his head. “I swear the tourists get dumber every year.”
“They should be smart like all of us native Alaskans.”
He laughed. “You’re a native now? I thought you were just living here because your husband is here.”
“Hey, I married a native, and that gives me native Alaskan status. Don’t argue with me, or I won’t let you have my native New Yorker status.”
“Are there people who actually want native New Yorker status? Does that mean they were born honking at people?”
Beverly frowned at him. “You’ve never been. You can’t criticize a place you’ve never visited. That’s not fair!”
He shrugged. “Are you sure? Cuz it feels fair from where I’m sitting.”
“It might be time to find a new chair then!”
*****
When Beverly went for her appointment in mid-March, Dr. Yung informed her it was time to start seeing her weekly. “And why hasn’t your husband come with you yet? Have you taken childbirth classes?”
“I don’t have a partner for the classes. My husband isn’t interested in becoming a father.” Beverly kept her chin up as she said the words, as much as she hated they were true.
The doctor shook her head. “He’s going to be a father in about six weeks regardless. How does he think not going for childbirth classes will help anything?”
“I don’t know.” Beverly shrugged. “I don’t really know anyone else in this area who I’d want to go to the classes with me.”
“It’s your husband’s responsibility. I hope he realizes that you didn’t go out and get yourself pregnant.” Dr. Yung used the doppler on Beverly’s stomach. “Good strong heartbeat. Your weight is still a little lower than I’d like at this stage of your pregnancy, but I can tell you’ve been making an effort to eat more.”
“I really have. I eat as much as I possibly can before I feel like I’m going to burst.”
“All right. I’ll see you in a week. Let’s see if we can make the scale move. Even a half pound would make me happy right about now.”
“I’ll do my best.” Beverly walked out of the exam room, wondering if there was someone at the church she and Colin attended who would be willing to do childbirth classes with her. She felt like it was such a huge thing to ask that she hated the very idea of it.
When Colin came in that evening from work, he sought her out in the kitchen where she was putting supper on the table. “Why didn’t you tell me you needed a partner for childbirth classes? I’m the one who should be there with you, not some stranger.”
“How…?”
“Dr. Yung called me. She told me she didn’t care if I wanted the baby or not, you hadn’t gotten pregnant by yourself, and I needed to get rid of my worthless father attitude and take you to childbirth classes.”
Beverly bit her lip, trying not to laugh. She couldn’t picture the serious Dr. Yung telling him that, but they were words she’d have used herself if she’d thought of them. “So you’re going to take me?”
“I don’t see anyone else lining up to do it. Sara has to come out, and I’m going to be there holding your hand. I love you too much to let you go through something like that alone.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say. Even though they rarely mentioned the baby, he’d now built two pieces of furniture, and he didn’t know it yet, but she had a glider rocker that would be there any day.
“Sign us up for the classes and let me know when they are. I’m not making you go through it alone.” Colin kissed her softly. “Now I’m going to go shower before dinner, because I had a rough day.”
She finished up the meal and served it just as he came back into the kitchen. “Why was your day hard?”
He shook his head. “Tourists. I promise, you don’t want me to get started.”
If stories about tourists were funny, he shared them readily. The ones that were difficult or obnoxious she rarely heard about.
“All right. I won’t ask then.”
“Should I be going to the doctor with you?” he asked, frowning at her. “Aren’t fathers supposed to go to these appointments.”
“You can, but most of the appointments are at times you’re working, so I haven’t asked.”
“Let me know when the next one is, and I’ll go with you. I want to make sure you’re healthy enough to have this baby. I don’t want you dying on me or anything.”
“I promise not to die.” She handed him a glass of water and sat down. “You can go with me if you want, but I’ve done very well on my own.”
“Whether I like it or not, the doctor’s right, and we’re in this together. You let me know when to be there, and I’ll be there.”
“Does that mean you’re going to build the glider rocker that Amazon tells me will be here within the next week?”
He groaned. “Please tell me that’s the last piece of furniture. That baby is going to have more furniture than we do!”
She laughed. “I promise, it’s the last. And that is furniture I’ll use when I rock her. And I’ll probably nurse her there as well.”
“Nurse? You’re not going to bottle feed?” Somehow, he’d never imagined she’d nurse the baby, but he wasn’t sure why.
“No, I want to do everything that’s best for her. Breast is the best way to feed a baby, so that’s what I’m doing at least for the first few months. I want her to get all the immunities she can from me.”
“Have you been reading books on this or something?”
Beverly nodded. “I have about six books I’ve been reading. Some are on child-rearing, and some are just on pregnancy. I’m going to be the best mother I can possibly be. I never dreamed I’d have the opportunity to have a baby, but now that I’m about to, I’m going to make the most of it. She deserves to have the very best.”
He frowned. “I guess she’s going to be the center of your world.”
“Don’t you think she should be?” Beverly asked the question softly, determined to let him figure out she was doing the right thing by himself.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’ve enjoyed being the center of your world for the past few months. I can’t believe I’m about to be displaced by someone a fraction of my weight!”
She put her hand over his, squeezing softly. “You’ll still be the number one guy in my world. She’ll just be my favorite girl.”