Chapter Sixteen
His dad would have been pleased with the turnout. It looked like half the force was here. His old boss gave a moving speech. The man was ten years older than Nate’s dad and was still healthy and fit. Life wasn’t fair.
But then, hadn’t he been taught that at an early age?
He’d half expected Regan to turn up—or maybe “hoped” was a better word. He hadn’t heard anything from her in the week since his father’s death except a brief text message of condolence, in reply to the one he had sent her.
After a month of almost constant sunshine, today was gray and overcast with a fine drizzle in the air. The funeral was taking place at Highgate Cemetery. His mother was buried here as well, and he and his dad had come often when he was younger. It was a beautiful place with a sense of peace and age, and he tried to get the atmosphere to sink in as he listened to the drone of the vicar’s voice.
He was clinging to the numb state of his brain. Maybe because he couldn’t rid himself of the feeling that he was teetering on the edge of a high place and about to fall. That he’d had a chance to change the direction of his life. And he’d failed. Spectacularly.
As he dropped the soil on his father’s coffin, he glanced up and across the graveyard, and there she was, standing beneath an oak tree. His heart rate picked up, and for the first time since his dad had died, a light pierced the fog in his brain.
She’d come.
Was there hope, after all?
But by the time he straightened, she was gone.
As he was leaving the cemetery, a small boy approached him and handed him a note.
Meet me in the bar at the Ritz tonight at eight.
It wasn’t signed. But who else could it be from?
…
She half expected him not to turn up. He’d buried his father today, and part of her felt guilty about doing this now.
But maybe it would be a relief.
Another closure, and afterward, he could move on with his life.
She needed more, needed her good-bye first. She knew he still wanted her. That had never changed and wasn’t the problem.
Her breath escaped her in a whoosh as she caught sight of him. He sat at the same table he’d been at that first night. Still dressed in the dark suit he’d worn to the funeral, though he’d lost the tie, and his white shirt was open at the throat. His hair looked like he had run his hands through it many times, and there were shadows under his eyes that her fingers itched to smooth away.
A glass of amber liquid stood on the table in front of him, but he wasn’t drinking, just staring into it as if he could find some answers. There were no answers. She’d searched herself, and the only thing she had come up with was this could never work between them. Eventually, sooner or later, the differences would tear them apart.
As she slid onto the seat opposite him, he looked up and searched her face. “You’ve come to say good-bye?”
She nodded. “You know it’s for the best. But I needed to see you one last time.”
He scrubbed a hand through his hair and then pinched the bridge of his nose. “It doesn’t have to be. We’ll find a way to work this out. We’ll do what we said in the beginning—keep our lives separate.”
“It would never work. You know that deep down. But let’s not talk about it tonight. I don’t want to talk—it always makes things worse. Let’s just have one last night together.” Would he come with her? Or just walk away? She didn’t think she could take it if he did. She’d only built herself up to doing this with the inducement of one last time with him. “I’ve booked a room.”
He stared at her for long moment, and she held her breath. Then he picked up his drink and swallowed it in one go, stood up, and held out his hand.
They didn’t talk in the elevator. Or on the way to the room. And once inside, he shut the door and then took her lips in a long kiss. Her hands threaded through his hair, holding him close as his tongue pushed inside, filling her. She closed her mind to everything but the feel of his hands sliding over her body. Slipping her own hands under his jacket, she stroked over his chest, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin cotton, the thud of his heart. And her own speeded up.
She pushed the jacket from his shoulders, and then tugged the shirt from the waistband of his pants. Reluctantly, she broke the kiss and stepped back, slowly unbuttoning his shirt, stroking her hands over his hot skin, the taut nipples, down over his lean belly. After unbuckling his belt, she flicked open the button on his pants and lowered the zipper. He was already hard, and her fingers wrapped around him, squeezing. His head went back and he groaned.
The sound made her knees go weak, her fingers tremble.
Releasing him, she slipped the straps of her sundress down over her arms, and it dropped to the floor to pool around her ankles. Beneath it, she wore only a pair of white lace panties, and she pushed them down over her legs.
He stood, his arms hanging at his side, his hungry gaze eating her up. Her nipples hardened, and a pulse throbbed between her thighs. Never taking his eyes from her, he pulled a condom from his pocket, tore it open, and rolled it onto his erection. He shrugged out of the shirt, kicked off his shoes, and shoved his pants and boxers down over his legs. In seconds, he was as naked as she was, his cock straight up against his belly.
He was so beautiful, she caught her breath. For long seconds, they stared at each other without moving. Then he slid his hands around her, gripping her ass with his hard fingers. As he lifted her up, she wrapped her legs around him, and he carried her to the bed. They fell together. He landed on his elbows, their lower bodies fused. He shifted a little and the head of his cock nudged at her entrance, finding her as though it was where he was meant to be.
More.
He lowered his head and kissed her as he pushed inside, his movements slow and deliberate. Everything tingled where he touched, sensations flowing along her nerves, coalescing in her belly. Those sensations swelled and built as he pushed in and withdrew, his tongue keeping rhythm with the flexing of his hips so her whole body pulsated with the ebb and flow of his body inside her. Until he was part of her, and she could feel the buildup of his pleasure as it echoed her own. He raised his head and stared down into her face as he ground his hips against her. They came together, sensations bursting as she soared and then plunged downward, shattering into a thousand pieces as she crashed. He rocked his hips again, and pleasure rippled through her, and he swallowed her scream against his lips. Finally, he rolled onto his back, pulling her with him so she lay sprawled across his body. His strong arms came around her and held her tight as though he would never let her go.
She fell asleep in his arms, his body still deep inside her.
He woke her in the night, making love to her again, slowly, moving deep inside her as though they could become one. In the darkness afterward, as she lay beside him, the pleasure still pulsing through her body, she murmured the words, “I love you.”
There was no answer. And his breathing evened out, and she knew he was sleeping.
Had he even heard her?
She didn’t sleep again. She wanted these last hours, breathing in the scent of him, of their lovemaking, feeling his skin beneath her hands, her skin against the length of his body as she pressed into him.
Finally, as the faint light of dawn filtered through the curtains, she forced herself to push away and slide quietly out of bed. She grabbed her clothes from the floor and went into the bathroom, dressed quickly, needing to be out of there before he awoke. The diamonds would be good-bye enough. He’d know what they meant.
They were a double message—a reminder of what she’d once been, but also a suggestion of what she might become. Maybe she wouldn’t be exactly his idea of a good person, but at least she’d be her own version.
It all came down to integrity. You had to decide what you believed was right and wrong, and then you had to live up to those beliefs.
She tiptoed across the room and placed the small velvet bag on the pillow next to him.
As she turned away, the light flicked on.
“Don’t go.”
…
She’d said she loved him.
The murmured words had given him the first peace he’d felt in as long as he could remember.
And he’d fallen asleep in her arms, safe and secure.
And now she was leaving.
Anger lashed at his nerves, tensing his muscles. He pushed himself up so he was leaning against the headboard, then ran a hand through his hair. She was dressed and ready to go. Without saying good-bye. Then again, hadn’t she said that was what this whole night was about?
Then why the hell had she said she loved him?
“I have to go,” she said.
“Tell me why.”
“Because I want to be a good person. And you’ll always make me feel that I’m not quite good enough.”
“I know you’re a good person.”
She bit her lip. “You don’t. Not really. But I left you something that might help.” She nodded to his side, and he glanced across and saw the small black bag lying on the pillow. He picked it up, pulled the drawstring open, and poured the stones out into his palm. He stared at them for a minute.
“They’re all there,” she said.
“Why? Why now?”
She shrugged. “Contrary to what you believed, I didn’t have them before. I would have handed them over if I had and reduced my sentence.”
He thought for a minute. “The ex-boyfriend? That’s who you did the job with. Your partner.”
She shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter. But let’s say I recently reacquired them. You can hand them in and finally close the case.”
He didn’t care about the fucking case. “But why tonight?”
“Because this is good-bye. And I want you to remember me as someone who’s trying her best to do things right.”
He gritted his teeth. But this was his fault. He waved a hand to his pile of clothes. “Pass me my jacket.” For a second, he thought she was going to refuse. Walk out. And his anger stirred. “You said you fucking loved me. You owe me a few minutes at least.”
Shock flared on her face. Obviously, she hadn’t believed he would mention that little item. She’d fucking said it. She gave a small nod and picked up his jacket, then brought it over to him. He pulled the piece of paper out of the inside pocket and handed it to her.
“What is this?”
“A copy of the application for your SIA license.”
She scanned the paper and then sank down to the bed beside him. “You endorsed it?”
“I sent it in the day after you asked me.”
“Why?”
“Because I believe in you. But sometimes I forget that when I’m with you. You have a way of knocking all rational thoughts straight out of my head.” He rubbed his scalp. “I’m jealous of your ex. I’m jealous of your family, because they come first. Shit, I can’t think straight around you.” He took her hand. “But one thing I do know is that I don’t want to lose you. You’re the one good thing in my life.”
“That’s just because you’ve been through so much lately. But once you get some distance from all this, you’ll see that it would never work.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a cop and I’ll always be the bad girl, at least to most people in your life. Your friends will never accept me, and chances are, I’ll ruin your future career.”
“I don’t care about my goddamn career.”
“Of course you do. You once told me it was all you ever wanted to do.” She studied him for a moment, and he could almost feel her drawing away. Building herself up to telling him the bitter truth. “I could live with that,” she said. “But you’ll always be a cop, and one day you’ll ask me to choose between you and my family. And that would break me. So I’m walking away now. You know, deep down, it’s the right thing to do.”
She leaned toward him and gave him a brief kiss on the lips, then tugged her hand free and rose to her feet. “There’s one other thing. Can I keep Trixie? I know you were worried about how she’d be on her own. But I love her, and I’ll look after her.”
She was really going, this time for good. Was she right? He just didn’t know, couldn’t think straight. Didn’t know anything; his brain was a mass of churning thoughts. “Of course.” What else could he say? He couldn’t even look after his goddamn dog.
“Thank you.”
And she was gone.