I haven’t slept a wink because every time I closed my eyes all I could see was Bailey. Knowing we were going to see her today has really messed with me, and I the thought of potentially meeting her mom only made it worse. I thought about picking up the phone several times to call her and let her know we were coming, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. What if I chickened out? What if I decided it was too much to handle? I knew I would be disappointed in myself, and I couldn’t handle her disappointment as well, so I decided to go to her house and hope she’s home, and that she has time to visit with me.
I slip on my sneakers and brush my teeth. Keegan has been amazing. This morning he’s being supportive but giving me the space I need to get through this trying day. “Are you ready to grab some breakfast?”
“Sure.” I take my purse from the chair and we head down for breakfast.
When we get downstairs there’s a small table for two by the window. Keegan pulls the chair out for me, and then takes a seat himself. The nice woman who greeted us yesterday greets us again this morning. “Good morning. How was your stay with us last night?”
“It was fine, thank you.” Keegan smiles at her.
“Can I get you folks some coffee?”
At the same time we both respond, “Yes, please.” She tells us she’ll be back and heads off to get us our drinks, leaving us with a small menu.
“Are you okay?” Keegan asks, his voice full of concern.
I shrug. “I’m nervous is all. Not only am I visiting Bailey’s gravesite for the first time, but I really want to meet her mom.” I let out a slow breath. “I have this fear she’s going to freak out on me. I served for nine months with her daughter in the desert, and with only a few weeks left, her daughter died, and I have no answers for her, but I want her to know how sorry I am.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
I shrug. “What if she blames me? What if I dig up something she doesn’t want to face? For all I know the woman could hate me for not taking care of her baby girl.”
“Hear you folks go,” the woman announces, letting us know she’s coming with our coffee. “Do you all know what you want?”
“Pancakes please,” I tell her as I’m adding cream to my coffee.
“I’ll have the same.”
She picks up the menus. “I’m sorry, I heard your conversation, and for what it’s worth, I would want to meet you.” She gives me a warm smile and walks away.
A tear slips down my cheek, but I quickly swipe it away, not wanting to break down in the middle of the dining room. “I think you need to do this for your own peace of mind. I agree and think Bailey’s mom is going to adore you and appreciate you stopping in to pay your respects.”
I nod silently fighting to speak past the lump in my throat. I’m tired and I have so many emotions running through me. I need to focus on the only thing I can right now, and that’s breathing.
We both sit silently as I stare out the window until our breakfast arrives. We thank her and begin to eat, my mind slips back to that dreaded day. I’m not sure if the fact I remember so little is a good thing or a bad thing, but some days it really bothers me. I only know what I’ve been told, and the truth is I’ve yet to speak it out loud. I’ve told many people I lost my best friend that day, but have yet to admit out loud that I’m the reason she’s dead.
“Baby, I know you’re hurting, but please try to eat something,” Keegan encourages me, his voice soft and caring.
I glance up at him, and then back down at my plate noticing I’ve done nothing more than push my food around. I take a few bites to put something into my stomach, but the second I do I feel sick. It’s times like this I wish I had my friend Jose Cuervo with me to take away this pain I’m suffering. “I can’t.” I push my plate away.
“Come.” Keegan stands from his seat holding his hand out. He escorts me out of the house and straight to the car. I’m sure at this point he’s looking to get this over with as much as I am.
He programs the address to the cemetery into his GPS and takes off. I’m surprised to find out it’s only a ten minute ride from where we’re staying. I assume it’s one of the reasons he’s chosen this location. We sit quietly as he drives us to our destination, the only comfort is the beautiful fall scenery this state provides. The trees are amazing shades of red, yellow, and orange. The leaves are starting to fall decorating the ground, it’s truly a sight to behold.
He pulls up as close to her grave as he can, and then gets out to get a blanket from the trunk of his car. He hands it to me and says, “I will be right here. I’m going to give you a little time and then I’ll check on you.”
“Thank you.” I press up and kiss him on the cheek before I take off toward her grave. I’m thankful he went online and looked everything up ahead of time, so I would know exactly where I was going when we got here.
Slowly I walk down the aisle toward my friend’s final resting place. My body is starting to shake, and I’m suddenly not sure I can do this on my own. I turn and look back to see Keegan still watching me. He gives a tight smile and nods for me to go on, so I continue on until I find her headstone.
SGT Bailey Ann Adams
Baghdad
March 25, 1993 - September 24, 2015
‘Gone but never forgotten’
Placing the blanket on the ground I sit before her and shake my head and the tears start to fall. “Why? Why, Bailey?” I swipe my tears but they keep falling. “It should have been me. You should have stayed down like I taught you.” I weep into my hands as I sit before my friend. “I miss you so much. This visit was supposed to be about us catching up and hanging out. We were supposed to go dancing and have fun together.” I sniffle. “Remember the time we turned our tent into a nightclub.” I chuckle. “We got into so much trouble for moving everyone’s cots and stacking them all up so we had room to dance.” I pull a tissue from my purse. “I had to pretend to be mad at you guys, but I thought it was so fucking funny.” I sigh. “You know I don’t know how to handle this. I am so appreciative of what you did for me, but at the same time I’m so mad that you’re gone.” I pull my purple heart from my purse and place it on her stone. “I brought this for you because a piece of me died the day I found out you were gone.” I take a deep breath. “They handed me this like it was supposed to make everything better. They told me I was alive to receive it because you helped save my life.” I shake my head and sob. “You saved my life and I got the fucking medal. You deserve so much more than this, but I have nothing, there is nothing I can do except say thank you for giving up your life to save mine.” I continue to weep into my hands.
That’s when I feel Keegan behind me. He sits and holds me not saying a word, he just lets me cry for what feels like forever. It feels good to really let it out. I have no idea how long we sat there, but never once did he rush me, he let me go until I had nothing left. I finally wiped away what was left of my tears and told him I was ready to go. I stood from the blanket so Keegan could fold it up and bent down to whisper to her, “I love you, Bailey. You will never be forgotten, and I promise to visit you again.”
When I’m done Keegan takes my hand and walks me back to the car. “I’m ready to meet her mom.” I focus on nothing but calming myself down on the way to Mrs. Adams’ house. I’m shaking like a leaf, and I need my emotions in check if I’m going to get through this. Again the house is a short drive from the cemetery, and not far from where we’re staying. Keegan parks the car in the street and we take the short walk up the steps to the front door. It’s a small home with a country feel. There’s a wind chime on the front porch that’s blowing lightly in the breeze.
“Are you okay?” Keegan asks.
I nod and ring the doorbell, anxious to get this over with. The door opens and a young girl answers. From the looks of her she’s Bailey’s sister. They look exactly alike. “Hi, is Mrs. Adams home?”
Her brows furrow. “No, I’m sorry she’s not. She works at the bed and breakfast until about dinnertime.”
I look at Keegan and then back at her. My eyes go wide. “Which bed and breakfast?”
“Is everything okay? You’re scaring me?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I’m Staff Sergeant Morgan. You must be Bailey’s sister.”
She nods. “Yes, ma’am. I am.”
“I’m very sorry for your loss. I just visited with your sister and I wanted to pay my respects to your mom.”
“Mom owns Lord’s Mansion. It’s been in our family for years. I can give you the address if you’d like.”
I close my eyes knowing exactly who she is and I’m willing to bet she knows who I am. “No need. We know where it is, thank you.” She nods. “Again, I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” I start down the steps when she calls out, “Staff Sergeant.” I turn back to her. “Thank you for your service.” I nod my appreciation and run back to the car.
When Keegan’s back inside I freak out. “Please tell me you didn’t do this on purpose, tell me you didn’t know she owns the place we’re staying at.”
“Lexi.” His eyes are full of hurt. “I had no idea, I swear. I would never do that to you.”
I close my eyes trying to take this all in. “It’s too much,” I whisper. “I’m sorry, Keegan.”
“You need to stop apologizing. I understand. Take a deep breath and let’s head back. You can take a nap and we’ll deal with her mom later.” He pulls away from the house and goes straight to the mansion. The second he pulls up my body begins to shake. I’m not sure I can face this woman right now. I feel like she’s known all along who I was and hasn’t said anything.
We walk through the door and all is quiet, my eyes scan the room for Mrs. Adams, but she’s nowhere to be seen, so we start toward the stairs. “I hear you met Bailey’s sister.” I cringe and turn around.
“You knew it was me.”
“From the minute your boyfriend listed your name as the other occupant.”
My hand shakes as I wipe more tears from my face. “Why didn’t you say something?”
She shrugs. “I wanted you to come to me when you were ready.”
I run straight into her arms and sob all over again. “I’m so sorry.” I squeeze her so tight I’m not sure she can even breathe.
“You sweet girl. You have nothing to be sorry for.” She rubs my back.
“But I do, she’s dead because she tried to save me. I should have been the one to die, not her.”
She places a hand on both my arms and pushes me away. “Look at me, Lexi.” Her voice is low but stern. I force my eyes to meet hers. “Bailey died because she loved what she did, and was passionate about saving lives. She died because it was her time, it just happened to be your life she was saving.” I look to the floor struggling to hear what she has to say, but she lifts my chin. “You need to let go of this. I promise you that girl died proudly knowing she saved you and she would not want you living with this guilt. You promise me you will find your way through this.”
I nod. “I’m working on it. It helps knowing you don’t hate me.” More tears fall.
“Hate you? I adore you. Bailey wrote me telling me all about you, how much you cared about her and took care of her. I appreciate all you did for her. It’s because of you that Bailey was turning her life around.” She chuckles. “She used to tell me how she was going to be a nurse like you. That as soon as she got back to the states she was signing up for nursing school. She was going to get out and follow in your footsteps.”
I’m not sure if this makes me feel better or worse but I don’t dwell. “She was a good kid, she worked hard, and I was so proud of her.”
“I still am.” Her mom gives me a tight smile and pulls me in for one more hug. “I hated that she went away but I’m damn proud of her too, and I’m proud of you.” I look at her, confused. “What you did this weekend took courage. I know this wasn’t easy, but you’ll see, moving on will be so much easier now.”
“I hope so. Thank you so much, you have no idea what this means to me.”
She nods wiping away a tear. “Yes, I do, because it means just as much to me.”
The next morning when Keegan and I make our way down for breakfast Mrs. Adams is there to greet us as she was yesterday, only this time she says, “Would you mind if I joined you for breakfast?”
With a warm smile I say, “We would love that.”
She brings us to a table and the three of us sit. One of her staff members brings us coffee and we place our order for breakfast. While we wait for our food she pulls out a small box. “I have some things I want you to have.” She opens the box and pulls out some photos of Bailey and I from our time serving together. I smile as I think back to the days these photos were taken. “She would write me and tell me about the things the two of you did together. The pictures always came with the letters. She told me it was her way of showing me that she was doing fine.” Her mom hands me more. “She asked me to keep them safe for her until she was home. She was going to put them into an album.” Our food arrives and we sit reminiscing over Bailey and our time away together. When we’re done and our plates are cleared she pulls something from her pocket. “Bailey sent this to me and asked me to hold it for her before she went overseas.” She laughs. “She told me you had one that matched, but you were crazy because you refused to take it off.” She hands me the duplicate to the best friend ring I wore around my neck. I lost it, bursting into tears one more time.
“She kept telling me I should send it home for safekeeping.” I shake my head. “But I wouldn’t listen. I told her around my neck was the safest place for it, and I was wrong. When I woke up, it was gone. I have no idea when I lost it. I asked everyone about it but no one had seen it.” I take a deep breath. “The worst part was, I remember being mad at her for a short time because she took it off. Looking back I realize how petty I was. Thank you.”
“I have one more thing I want to give you, and you have to promise me you will hold this near and dear to you.”
“Of course.”
She opens a box to reveal Bailey’s Medal of Honor. She was awarded it when it was reported that she died trying to save my life. I shake my head. “I can’t take this. You need to hold onto this.”
She shakes her head. “The way you held onto your purple heart?” My eyes go wide. “Yes, I went by the grave last night and I saw you left it there. I have it and will put it in a special case before placing it back on her stone. It needs to stay safe, but will forever be there.”
I close my eyes. “Thank you.” My voice is barely a whisper.
“No, thank you. You gave me the final piece of closure I needed, and now you need to let go. You need to move on.” I nod because I’m not sure I can speak past the lump in my throat. Keegan grabs my hand under the table and squeezes it letting me know he agrees and he’s there for me.
“I will. I promise. I won’t let you down again.”
“Good, and anytime you want a vacation spot you best come visit me here. You’ll always have a room here.”
“We’ll visit. I promise.”
We all get up from the table and I hug Mrs. Adams one last time. I collect the box of memories she’s packed up for me and we make our way to the car. Keegan climbs into the driver’s seat. As soon as we’re on the road I turn to Keegan. “Thank you so much for everything this weekend. I feel like a whole new person.”
“You’re very welcome.” He rewards me with a huge smile.
I look out the window taking in the beautiful scenery one more time before we end up back in the city when my cell phone chirps.
Tell Keegan the room is on me. I waited until you were gone so he couldn’t argue. He’s a good man, be sure you keep him close.
I laugh out loud.
“What’s so funny?”
“I got a text saying the room is on Mrs. Adams. She wouldn’t say anything because she knew you would argue, but she’s not charging your credit card for our stay.” I chuckle. “She’s only just met you, and she already knows how stubborn you are.”
“Oh, aren’t you funny. I’ll just have to send her a check.”
“Yeah, because that won’t prove her point.”
The ride home is so much lighter than the ride up. I’m the luckiest woman in the world, now I just have to keep my promise to Mrs. Adams, and I’m not sure that’s going to be easy.