Chapter two:
It was one of those moments of indecision that made me think that life was about changes. I couldn’t stand still and I couldn’t move forward without letting go of the past. I didn’t want to think of Duncan, as an afterthought, because to me he would always have a piece of my heart. I knew that one day I would see him again. In the meantime, I felt that a change of scenery was in order.
It had been two weeks since I sent out the advertisement. There was letter in response that had got my attention. His name was William Killian. We had been corresponding for the last little while. Basically, we were feeling each other out and getting the idea of what each of us brought to the table. I did not mince words and I told him exactly what I was looking for. He told me that love was overrated and that he had never believed in love at first sight. He wanted somebody to be with and felt that the local women were missing something. The idea that he saw some kind of connection with me through words made me think that it was meant to be.
“I still think that you’re making a mistake. You don’t even know what this man looks like and you’re taking a lot on face value. You can’t possibly believe that you will find happiness this way. I’m just trying to make you see the sometimes it’s not greener on the other side of the tracks. You are family and you will always be welcome, but maybe this is something that you need to do for yourself.” I hadn’t even told my aunt the entire story. This was something that I was going to have to carry with me. I felt it deep in my stomach. It made me sick to think that it had to come to this.
“Aunt Cecile, I understand that you think that I’m making a mistake. This is my life and I have to do what is best for me. We all make our own decisions and whether they are right or wrong, they are ours to make. I don’t want to leave with this animosity between us. That is something that I do regret, but I don’t know how to fix it. You always think that you’re right. I hope for this one time that you are wrong. We all have issues to deal with and that’s a fulltime job in itself. None of us need that painful reminder that some of our decisions have come back to haunt us. I’m sure that you’re not immune to any of this. You’ve had your own problems, but I’ve never heard you complain.” I don’t think that anybody would have listened anyway, but I wanted to end this on the right note.
“I’ve never hated you, Diana. I just thought that you were naïve and too blinded by love to know what was happening right in front of you. You say that this man is right for you, so all I can do is wish you luck. I do admit that I find your courage to seek out something better to be admirable. I’ve always known that you had that nomadic spirit running through your veins. I wish that I could say the same, but I find myself getting stuck in one place for too long. Perhaps, I should take a page out of your book.” The only way that she was going to leave her house was feet first.
“It’s nice of you to say that. I’m still scared out of my mind, but I know that what I’m doing is right. This man paints a pretty picture, but I’m not going into this with blinders on. I know that some people say what you want to hear. I feel that this man is ready to make a commitment and whether we find that with each other remains to be seen.” I climbed into the stagecoach, wrapping a blanket around me for warmth and then signaling the driver to move forward.
“I may not agree with your decision, but I feel that I need to contribute. That is the reason why I have given you this driver. He has never failed me before and his loyalty is better than most. He’ll protect you and keep you safe, until you finally get to your destination out west.” It was going to be a long journey, but I was ready. I heard the whinny of the horses, as they began to move forward into the future.
I looked behind to see that and Cecile was standing there with that same blank stare. I wanted her to find happiness, but she was allowing past indiscretions to stand in her way. I’d heard that she was in love at one time, but it blew up in her face. Her heart was broken into a million pieces. Those that tried to break through were denied. I felt sorry for her. Maybe my leap of faith would make her come out of her own shell.
I watched the countryside, as we moved out of town and away from my comfort zone. It felt like I was doing something momentous, life changing and for the first time I felt like this was a new chapter. At first, I believed that I was running away from something, but now I believed that I was running to something.
There were moments, when things were better between myself and Duncan that I made us both do the unconventional. I made him look past the town limits. We were notorious for getting away for a few days of rest and relaxation in the great outdoors. It was something to see to wake up in the morning and find Duncan cooking over an open flame. To hear Mother Nature in all its beauty was something that was lacking. I needed that connection. If I couldn’t get it here, then I was going to have to find someplace else.
I had to keep reminding myself that this was for me and not for others. Memories had been weighing me down. I found that for my own health that it was necessary to leave it behind. I couldn’t do that here, because his face was everywhere that I looked. I didn’t know if that was going to change in the west, but I needed to make that concentrated effort.
I would never give that kind of power to anyone. If I did that, then I may as well crawl into a hole and did. That was not going to happen. I wanted what was best for me and if I had to cut ties with my Aunt Cecile, then that was what was going to happen. She would never look at me like I was an equal and living underneath her roof would only stunt my grieving process. I still felt like he was here, but I knew that he was gone. It was a hard pill to swallow. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on any one.
We stopped momentarily to retrieve drinking water for the horses. “When we left a few hours ago, you had this look of hesitation on your face. I’ve seen it before. It is not uncommon for these kinds of changes. The one thing that is different than everybody else is that you now seem to have accepted that this is what you need to do. I have to tell you that your aunt is a little hard to understand. I’ve always had a crush on her, but she has never given me any sign that she was interested.” Linus was a good man. He knew the value of hard work and what it took to make a real life for himself.
“I want my aunt to be happy, but she’s not going to be able to do that on her own. She needs you to grab hold of her and shake her back into reality. You can’t take no for an answer, even if it means that you have to drag her kicking and screaming. She’ll thank you in the end. It’s going to be your persistence and determination that will win out. She may seem unapproachable, but I think that there was a past love that broke her spirit. If you think that you want something more than just friendship, then you need to make the first move. If that doesn’t work, gestures of romance will slowly soften her. From there, it’s just a matter of making her look at you.” Linus was listening, as he was filling the containers for the horses. Some of that was for us and that was going to help us to journey further.
“I always thought that she was dead inside, but maybe I’ve been looking at it all wrong. Talking with you has really made me see that I’ve been allowing your aunt to keep me at arm’s length. That is about to end. Your aunt is not very happy with your decision. She really doesn’t have a leg to stand on and I think you know that. She will always have an opinion. It doesn’t mean that she’s right or she’s wrong.” It had been a whirlwind from the time that I found Duncan slumped over with the gun in his hand to an unconventional romance with William Killian. He had described himself, as a man that knew how to take care of a woman. He told me that he had blue eyes and long wavy chestnut hair. The picture that I was getting in my head was probably leaps and bounds away from what he truly looked like.