Chapter One
prey
even if i lurk
in the shadows
they find me
they search for me
stalk me as
their prey
i’m the mouse
to their cat
the bird
to their dog
coyotes hiding
waiting to pounce
they don't puncture my skin
or wound me
with their sharp teeth
they laugh at me
their words bite me
doing more damage
than their fists ever could
even when I'm in the shadows
they find me
^^^
October 2010 — Sixth Grade
I pushed at the green beans on my plate. This is food? My mom insisted I eat hot lunch on Mondays. She hated Mondays and trying to get back into the swing of things. Making me a sandwich was one less thing she had to worry about. Fine. I tried to pack my own, but she always complained about what I chose. I loved Mountain Dew and Little Debbie Cakes. Maybe if she didn’t want me to eat them, she shouldn’t have bought them. It’s not as though I had a job and could purchase the groceries.
“Violet! Did you hear about the Slam Book?” My classmate, Tina, sat down next to me, almost smacking her lunch tray into mine.
I liked Tina. She wasn’t one of the super popular kids. She fell more into the “preppy” crowd. Top-notch grades, a great attitude, part of the band. She didn’t have to be nice to me, but she was anyway. We spent time together before at the park and the library. My mom didn’t care for me to have friends over, not that I had too many to invite.
“No. I didn’t. What’s a slam book?” Even though I didn’t keep up with all the social sites like most, I still kept up-to-date on what they were. Whatever this thing was, it didn’t sound very pleasant.
“Well, back when our parents were kids, I guess it was a notebook passed around the school. Kasey Moore started one online through a file sharing system. You go in anonymously and answer all these questions about people. Want to take a peek?”
Tina sneaked her cell phone out of her pocket. I couldn’t believe she brought it out of her backpack. She could earn detention for that. I’d never spent a day holed up in what everyone referred to as “The Punishment Room,” and I was sure she hadn’t either. I didn’t want to start. I waited as she opened a document titled “Slam Book.”
“See? Here’s favorite radio station, who people like, best and worst teacher, most likely to become a celebrity.” She handed me her phone, and I flipped through some of the questions.
“What’s the point?” This read like a quiz, a poll set up for no apparent reason.
“I don’t know. To see what people like, I guess.”
I kept going through the file, not impressed by the content. The further into the files I went, the darker it became. The worst kisser, smelliest, sluttiest. My stomach lurched at what the people who saw this must have thought when they came across their name. All their classmates writing negative things about them, not even behind their back.
That’s when my heart dropped.
Weirdest—Violet Duncan. Fattest—Violet Duncan. Ugliest—Violet Duncan.
My lip quivered, and I bit down as the first tear fell. The words blurred through the fog though I still recognized my name and the adjectives it represented.
“What’s wrong?” Tina asked as she took the phone from me and scrolled through. The smile on her face disappeared as she reached the document I viewed. “Oh. I had no idea.”
I stared down at my lunch, the green beans becoming a puddled mess as my tears fell onto them. The drops echoed through the room as they crashed onto my plastic tray, each splash a kick to my gut, a slap in my face as my classmates slammed my existence.
“Don’t believe what they say. They don’t know you.”
Tina said it. She sat next to me and told me that the slam book file told everyone the truth. The file existed only to serve opinion behind a shield. People judged from behind a screen without worry, saying things they’d never say directly to you. Except they still said all these things to my face. They’d all called me weird. Fat. Ugly. Thunder Thighs. Pimple Face. Bubble Butt. They shot these words at me in every direction each day. Seeing it in print somehow finalized their opinion of me, I guess.
“Yes, they do.” I picked up my tray of food and stood. “I’m the ugly one. The fat one. The weird one. And I always will be.” I pulled the tears in and tried not to suck in too much air. “Excuse me.”
I walked in an almost catatonic state to the garbage can and dropped my food in, tray and all. I picked up the pace as I made my way to the bathroom. Once inside, I rushed to the last stall, locked the door shut tight, and burst into tears.
It wasn’t the first time I cried until all my tears dried up, and it wouldn’t be the last.