Chapter Four
Lonely
Alone
Talking only to myself
Music blaring
People dance around me
Paying me no mind
I see you
And you see me
Our eyes lock
And hold on forever
Never let go
^^^
I can’t believe I’m even doing this. The first couple weeks of school have gone by fast, and I’ve avoided Olivia as much as possible. She stumbles in at all hours of the night, and I try to be sure I’m asleep before she arrives back at the dorm. For not being even a month into school, my professors haven’t been shy about dumping on the school work, and Janna insisted I need to unwind.
I don’t like parties. I never have, and I don’t think I ever will. Parties force you to socialize, or worse yet, you find no one wants to socialize with you so you’re shoved into a corner. There’s nothing worse than watching everyone laughing and dancing and having a great time while being stuck in the corner. Nobody may have put Baby in the corner, but I live there. The corner was invented for people like me.
The party is off campus so we hop a ride with Janna’s friend, Paul. I’m not sure where they met—I haven’t seen him around campus—but they seem to be into each other. He’s cute, I guess, with his buzz cut and light eyes. Janna doesn’t seem to have any issues meeting people. I only really “know” Janna and Jesse in the short time I’ve been here. I’ve spoken with people in my classes, but I haven’t made any connections other than Janna. Chances are I never will.
We pull up next to a house that looks like a duplex. The two-story house sits on a small hill with concrete steps leading to the front door. People fill the yard, the sidewalk, and glancing through the window I can see the house spilling over with students. I cringe as I think of the possibility of Olivia being inside. If she’s a jerk to me on campus I don’t want to think about how she would be off campus. I vow to stay close to Janna. I should be fine, then. Probably. More than likely. I hope so.
When we exit the car, Paul gives Janna a hug and tells her he’ll check in with her later. “I have a few guys waiting on me.”
Janna pats him on the butt. “Don’t drink too much,” she calls out to him as he hops up the steps. “You’re our ride back to the dorm!”
I’ll be the one driving us back to campus. I don’t plan on drinking, and Janna shouldn’t either. We’re both under age. Something tells me that won’t stop her though. I’ll be the responsible one here. Since I didn’t want to come, I should be the one to drive us home and let them have their fun.
“Come on, let’s go!” She links her arm in mine and drags me up the stairs.
The music is so loud the windows are rattling. I don’t know how anyone can hear one another talking. Every single person in the house has a drink in their hand, and I can smell pot. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s definitely here. This doesn’t feel much different from a high school party. I’ve been to one. Tina invited me during senior year to one. I reluctantly agreed thinking attending one would somehow make the ridicule disappear. The only positive outcome from the party was my parents thought I had a good friend because I was out with someone. She didn’t mean to ignore me the entire night, but I sat on a chair in a stranger’s living room as everyone around me got high. I only wanted to be home.
“I’m getting a drink. Do you want one?” Janna yells at the top of her lungs. I shake my head. “Are you sure?” I nod. I’ve established I’m not drinking tonight. As someone bumps into me and subsequently knocks into a table, I vow that I’ll never drink. I’m a lightweight, anyway. It’s not a good idea if I do.
Janna leaves me standing next to the door, and I hug myself, rubbing my arms, not sure of where to go or what to do. I glance at the surrounding people, taking in their faces and their expressions. Everyone looks so happy, like they are having so much fun, and no one seems to notice me standing here. I guess that’s no different from any other day. I recognize a couple of people I share classes with or maybe passed on one of my sprints to class. No one stands out as anyone who would even recognize me if I tried to talk to them.
“Hey!”
I turn my head to Jesse coming up next to me. His hair is back in a tight pony tail, his muscles exposed in the tank he’s wearing. Man, he’s ripped. I didn’t see how buff he was before.
Is he talking to me?
“Violet! I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
He stands next to me, and I breathe him in. He smells amazing. “Yeah. I came with Janna. She insisted.”
“Yeah, that’s the thing about her. She’s persistent. You’ll learn that about her.”
He smiles, and a dimple appears in his left cheek. I think I’m staring but I can’t look away. All I can think about is that night in my dorm room, laying on my bed with him as we watched Twilight and New Moon. Nothing happened between us, not that I expected it to. I guess a part of me hoped. He was—is—only being nice to me, though, maybe because his sister is such a jerk. He promised we’d finish the saga some day.
“You don’t have a drink. I’ll grab you one.”
Before I can stop him, he hops over a few steps, swipes a beer out of a cooler, and hands it to me. “Thanks.” I pop open the top. Maybe he won’t notice if I don’t drink it. I don’t want to come off as a teetotaler, even if that’s what I am.
“Where is Janna, anyway?”
“Who knows? She took off and hasn’t come back.” I glance behind me as though if I do she’ll suddenly be standing right there. She’s not.
“She just left you here? That’s so rude. I’ll say something to her.”
“No, no. Please don’t do that.” The last thing I need is Janna upset with me thinking I complained to Jesse about her. I never expected her to stick with me, which is part of the reason I didn’t even want to come. “It’s fine. I think she knows a lot of people here. I don’t.”
“Well, that’s all the more reason she should be here with you. If you bring a friend somewhere, you stay with that friend.” He slides his arm around me, and my entire body fills with goosebumps. Jesse’s arm is around me. Me. “I’ll hang out with you.” He pulls me close, squeezing me against him, and against my best wishes, lets go. “To friends.” He holds his can up for a toast.
I hesitate, but smash my can into his and take a drink. What’s one beer? There’s no harm in that.
“And then she says I’m the jerk!” Jesse slaps my knee as he snorts, catching beer in his nose.
We’re sitting on the floor in the bathroom, the only place we can seem to get enough privacy to talk and be able to hear each other over the noise of the party. The music seems to have gotten louder with every hour that’s passed. I don’t even know what time it is, but I’m having the time of my life with Jesse.
And I’m drunk. So much for that.
“How many of these have I even had?”
“I’m not sure, but clearly enough.” Jesse takes the can from my hand and sets it on the tile floor. “Be honest with me. Is this your first time drunk?”
I fixate on the floor and the design of the tile blurs together. He says my name, and I look up at him, and giggles take over. I slip and catch myself, my hands pressing against the cold floor. The room spins as my stomach joins it. I crawl over to the toilet, lift up the seat, and promptly throw up.
I’m caught off guard when Jesse’s hands pull my hair back, and he starts moving his hand up and down my back.
“I’m going to take that as a yes.”
I want to die. How can I do that in this bathroom? Slam the toilet seat on my head? That won’t be enough to put an end to this humiliation. My first time drunk and I’m at a college party with a super cute guy, and I throw up in front of him. This couldn’t be any worse.
He flushes the toilet and closes the lid, keeping my hair in his hands as he pulls me close to his chest. Everything is still spinning, and my eyes swell with tears. I can’t believe this is happening. But of course, it is. Something had to go wrong.
“I understand if you want to leave.” He could be at the party dancing with all the pretty girls. There’s no way he wants to be stuck in here with me. And that’s what he would be. Stuck.
“I’m not going anywhere. You’re in no shape for me to leave you alone.”
Sure I am. He can leave the bathroom, and I can sleep here because I know I’ll need that toilet again and again. I swear I’m never drinking again. I know I swore not to when I arrived at the party, but this time I mean it. I think of my parents, especially my dad, and how disappointed they would be if they walked in here right now. They trust me. With one beer (okay, maybe two or three), I’ve thrown all that away.
“I’ll find Janna so she can take me back home.” So much for being the designated driver. Now I realize I’ve let down Janna and Paul, too, and myself the most. I can’t believe I did this.
“You mean this Janna?” He opens an app on his phone and shows me my friend dancing on top of a table, clearly wasted. She’s circling her head like she’s at a rock concert and shaking her butt, jumping up and down with her hands in the air. “You’re not going anywhere with her tonight.”
I can’t believe what I’m seeing. She seems like a pretty I-don’t-give-a-fuck kind of girl, but this is a little outrageous. The video has more than one hundred views on it with a couple dozen likes along with as many comments. She’ll regret that tomorrow. Who am I kidding? She won’t. She’ll probably brag about it. That’s what I’m learning about her, anyway.
I lay my head back on his chest, surprised at how natural it feels. His heart thumps against my ear, fast and hard. I want to listen to it, fall asleep to its rhythmic beat, but my stomach has other plans. He holds onto me as I lose it again, heaving into the toilet.
I wipe my mouth and fall back into him. I can’t believe he’s here, holding me, and we’ve only just met. I don’t want to go back to the dorm. I can’t face Olivia like this. I can’t deal with her crap right now.
Jesse kisses the top of my head and puts his arm around me so I can snuggle in more. This feels comfortable, right. I close my eyes, and before I have any chance to throw up again, I fall asleep.
The water pelts my skin, and I wonder how I got here. I awoke alone in the bathroom of a stranger’s house, a bright yellow rug as my bed and a rolled up towel my pillow. I worked my way through a house strewn with passed out college kids, finding Janna and Paul half naked in the living room. They dropped me back off at the dorm, and the first thing I did was race to the shower.
I need this shower.
As I rake my fingers through my wet hair, I replay the evening in my mind, recalling what I can. I threw up at least twice, and Jesse stayed with me all night. Well, at least until I fell asleep. I don’t know when he left, but when I woke I found myself on the bathroom rug, with him nowhere in sight.
Why did he leave? I don’t know if I said anything, or worse. Maybe I threw up on him. Man, I’m sure I swore it last night but I will never pick up another drink in my life. We may have had fun for a little while, but it’s not worth this.
I shut off the shower and grab my towel. Once it’s wrapped safely around me, I exit into the common area of the bathroom where a few girls are gathered around the mirror doing their makeup. I recognize one girl from the party. She does a double take when she sees me.
“You’re the girl from the bathroom.”
“Excuse me?” Water drips from my hair onto my bare shoulder. I didn’t squeeze enough of it out.
“The party last night. You went into the bathroom with Jesse Fisher.” She points at me with her mascara and then touches the cap to her mouth. “Why did he go in there with you?” She eyes me up and down, her nose scrunched up in disgust.
“We had a few drinks and were talking.” Not that it’s any of her business, anyway. I don’t even know her name, and I doubt she knows mine, which is even more of a reason she doesn’t need to know.
“You and Jesse?”
I understand he’s one of the most attractive men anyone has ever laid eyes on but is it so hard to believe he would talk to me? That’s all we were doing. Talking. I may not be a beauty queen but I can still talk to people. Being ugly doesn’t erase my ability to speak. “Yes.”
“I’m not buying it.”
I swallow, thinking through what to say next. Do I want college to be just like high school? I spent four years avoiding everyone when I could and never sticking up for myself. What could I say, though, and what would it even accomplish? I don’t need to prove anything to this woman or her group of friends. I want to make my mark. I want to speak up and not be afraid anymore.
My heart hammering against my chest, I respond. “You said you saw us. Unless you drank so much you imagined it.” I don’t think it’s wrong to assume this, either. The people at that party were so drunk I’m sure some of them barely remember being there.
She looks over at her friends, who stare back at her, half-smiles on their faces as they wait for her, who I assume to be their “leader,” to reply. If she did see me, she has no choice to believe me. If she argues any further, she takes the chance of looking dumb in front of her friends, admitting she was wrong.
“Whatever. I’ve got to get to class.” She tosses her mascara into her make up bag and waves for her friends to follow her. Like lemmings, they do.
The door shuts behind them, and I can breathe again. That didn’t exactly qualify as standing up for myself, but it’s the closest I’ve ever been. I’ll consider it a win.
I take a minute to gather my thoughts before going back to my room. I pull the towel tighter around my body and open the door. When I see Jesse sitting on my bed, I gasp, covering my mouth with my hands. When his eyes widen, I realize if my hands are on my mouth, my towel is on the floor.
“Fuck!” I snatch my towel off the floor and cover my body again, slam the door, and press my backside against it. I don’t often swear, but this situation called for it. “What are you doing here?”
“He’s my brother, genius.” Olivia rolls her eyes as she reapplies her lip gloss.
I didn’t think she was even here. When I came back to the room, she was nowhere in sight. I avoided her for almost an entire week. I suppose it had to come to an end sometime.
“Actually, I came to check in on you. Are you okay?” His eyes soften as he cocks his head to the left. I’m gripping the towel, praying it doesn’t fall off again.
“Wait. You’re here to see her? Why?” Olivia’s voice cracks, the surprise evident in her tone.
I can’t make eye contact with Olivia. I can feel her staring at me, her judgmental eyes bearing down on me. I want to know why he came, though. Had he truly been concerned about me, wouldn’t he have stayed until I woke up? He disappeared in the middle of the night when he could have stuck around to be certain I arrived back to the dorm okay.
“We hung out at Wheezy’s party last night.”
I never caught the name of the party host. I wonder why he’s called Wheezy. I assume Wheezy is a he, anyway. I imagine a slender boy with circle glasses and an inhaler.
“You hung out with her?” She points between the two of us, her face twisted in confusion.
“Yeah, so what?”
“So what? She’s just so…so…blah.”
She’s talking about me as though I’m not even here. I’m this object in the room that doesn’t have any ears or feelings. Olivia isn’t the type of person I ever want to spend time with but that doesn’t make her comments any less hurtful.
“I’ll have you know she’s not blah. We had a good time last night. She had too much to drink, and I only want to check in on her. Is that so wrong?”
I don’t know if I should say something. I should thank him, I should, but Olivia standing between us, forgetting I’m a human being, causes my words to catch in my throat.
“You got drunk? I find that hard to believe.”
Here I am proving two people wrong in a matter of minutes. First that lady in the bathroom and now Olivia. I’m kind of proud of myself, as though I’m becoming the opposite of who everyone expects me to be. Still, I’m an outsider.
I shrug, not sure what to say at this point. Are they even aware I’m still standing here in only a towel?
“Well, believe it.” Jesse comes to my rescue, and I’m thankful for his words. “Violet, are you okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I clear my throat, the gratefulness still lost in there somewhere. I can’t focus while being half naked in front of them. “I’d like to get dressed, though.”
“Oh! I’m sorry.” Jesse sneaks past me to the door. “I’m glad you’re good. My friend needed a ride, and you were sound asleep. I didn’t want to wake you, so I snuck out.”
That makes sense. And it’s not like we went to the party together. He didn’t have an obligation to me in the least. Still, I like knowing what happened. If I did throw up on him, he certainly wasn’t going to tell me. Thank God because I couldn’t live with myself if I had. “Okay. No big deal.”
“See, no big deal. Now get out.” Olivia throws her pillow at him before he walks out the door. She must be an Olympic champion in pillow throwing.
“What the hell are you doing with my brother?” She slams the door shut and pushes her lips together as she stands straight as a stick in front of the door. Her arms are crossed and her eyes are squinting.
My body shakes. I’m floating outside of myself, scared in this moment. I want to call for Jesse, yell for him to come back. What’s Olivia going to do? “I…”
“I….I…I…” She mocks me. “I nothing. You stay away from him. He doesn’t need any more people in his life, and he certainly doesn’t need you.”
Her finger is in my face, and I’m not sure why. All I did was talk to him and have a few drinks. It’s not as though we’re together together. I’m not looking to hook up with him, or anyone for that matter. Even if I were, like Janna said, he’s out of my league. Way out of my league. He’s the exact type of guy that wouldn’t even acknowledge me in high school, not even to borrow a pencil or hand a napkin to in the cafeteria.
“Fine.” I mean, it’s not as though he and I are even really friends. I met him once, he took me on a tour of the campus, watched a movie, and we drank a little together. I hardly can refer to us as friends. Janna is the only real friend I’ve made and who I care to spend any time with. Besides, I’m in college now. I can’t worry about this stuff anymore. “Can I get dressed now?”
“You better watch out, Violet. You don’t want to mess with me.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. I’ve never tried to “mess with” anyone, but somehow my sheer existence qualifies as doing this. I don’t plan on getting in Olivia’s face or trying to do anything against her. It’s clear she has it out for me.