“You like that, baby?”

Carmen didn’t respond to her dance partner. She had no idea what he looked like and didn’t care. All she cared about was the relentless beat, the liquor flowing through her veins, and the bulge pressed against her ass.

Tonight was the night. She would exorcise Vinny once and for all. She couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to feel something—need, excitement, anticipation, lust—anything but sorrow. Lyla was pregnant, content in her marriage, and making plans for the future. Her mother now had such a busy social life that she barely saw her anymore. Everyone had moved on except her. The fact that the monster who called the hit on Vinny was still on the loose enraged her, but like so many other things, there was nothing she could do. For a decade, she melded herself to the love of her life, and now, he was gone. Her broken heart left an invisible trail of blood in her wake. She was wasting away, but no one noticed. She lived in a world with muted tones, as if being in love with a dead man was killing her a little bit every day. The only way she could move forward was to cut out a piece of her soul and break her wedding vows by indulging in the oldest and most potent sin—sex.

“You want to take this somewhere else?”

She turned and looked up at her companion. He had been grinding against her for a good ten minutes now. She hooked her arms around his neck and surveyed him dispassionately. Hispanic, early twenties, very white teeth, and waxed brows so he was a bit on the metrosexual side. He had a nice body and would be labeled by most women as hot. But none of that mattered to her.

“Lead the way,” she said.

He tried to play it cool, but the colored lights showed dilated pupils and hard nipples through the thin material of his shirt.

“Okay,” he said and clasped her hand before he began to lead the way through the crowd.

She briefly searched the crowd for Janice and Alice. She had met them for dinner at a Pyre Casinos restaurant to plan Lyla’s baby shower. After, she bullied them into the club and lost track of them once she started doing shots at the bar.

When she realized her companion was heading toward the exit, she tugged on his hand. He turned and leaned close when she went on tiptoe.

“I want you to fuck me here,” she said.

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Here?”

“Bathroom.”

Fast and dirty was how she wanted it. She didn’t want to go to this guy’s apartment and act as if this was anything more than a random hookup. This was a slam, bam, thank you, ma’am, and she wanted it over before her conscience piped up, which was why she was nice and drunk. If she was going to be miserable, she wanted a damn good reason to be.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

Despite his question, she could see the excitement he tried to hide. What man didn’t want a random hookup?

“Yes.”

She started toward the bathroom and rolled her eyes when she saw the long lines. She veered toward the private lounge. The prospect pulled on her arm.

“That’s for VIPs,” he said.

She walked up to the bouncer who inclined his head and opened the door.

“Whoa, that was cool. You got connections, mama?”

She ignored his question and dragged him down a long hallway filled with private rooms for VIPs. He was thoroughly distracted now, which pissed her off. She made a beeline for the door at the end of the hall and yanked him into the women’s bathroom. The bathroom was opulent and done in black and gold. A bright-eyed bathroom attendant sprung off her stool with a belt full of makeup brushes, perfume, pasties, glue, condoms, and more. She was ready to assist in any way.

“Scat for a couple of minutes. Watch the door,” Carmen ordered and handed over two hundred dollars.

“Whoa, you’re rich?” the prospect asked.

The bathroom attendant took the money and exited while the prospect started talking excitedly.

“Are you famous or—?” he began.

She pushed him against the wall and kissed him. He stopped talking and clamped his hands on her ass. She rubbed her crotch against his to entice her pussy. There was no spark of interest, nothing.

Carmen.

She stiffened as Vinny’s voice tried to intrude. She should have taken another shot. She broke the kiss. “Go down on me.”

He hesitated. “I don’t—”

“If you don’t go down on me, I won’t go down on you.”

He dropped so fast it would have been funny if she was in a laughing mood. But she wasn’t. She was beginning to panic. Was she destined to be a numb, celibate zombie for the rest of her life? A crazy woman who had one-sided conversations with her dead husband? The echo of his voice wasn’t a source of comfort but one of immense pain. She couldn’t do this any longer.

She was about to raise her dress when the bathroom door opened. She opened her mouth to tell them to get lost when Marcus walked in. He looked extremely fine in a navy suit that fit him like a glove. He let the door swing shut and looked down at the man on his knees in front of her, clearly about to eat her out. The fact that Vinny’s replacement seemed determined to interrupt her from moving on was beyond annoying.

She crossed her arms. “Can I help you?”

“I thought I saw you,” he said pleasantly as if they were at a cocktail party and not in the women’s bathroom. “What are you doing, Carmen?”

“What does it look like?” she snapped.

“It looks like you’re about to make a mistake.” Marcus jerked his chin at the prospect. “Get lost.”

“Hey, buddy, this isn’t your business.”

“It is,” Marcus said, “and I run this place. Get out.”

The prospect got to his feet and extended his hand to her. “Come on, mama, let’s get out of here.”

And go where? She wanted to be banged right here, right now in a public bathroom where it would be sordid and final. She didn’t want to get a room for an hour. She examined the prospect objectively. Her sex radar told her he would be a lousy lay. He wouldn’t bother to get her off, which would make her feel worse than she already did. The prospect wasn’t old enough to move past jackrabbit sex.

She slumped against the wall in defeat. “Maybe next time.”

The prospect was clearly bewildered. He looked back and forth between them before he shook his head and walked out.

She crossed her arms. “What do you want, Marcus?”

“You can do better than that, Carmen.”

“I don’t want better!” She stalked forward and prodded him in the chest. “This is the second time you’ve cock-blocked me. What’s your problem?”

“I seem to have a problem with you trying to have sex in my clubs.” When she opened her mouth to shout, he added, “And watching you sell yourself short.”

“I can fuck whoever I want! I am gonna get laid tonight, even if I have to do it in the back alley.”

“Why in a public place?”

He didn’t sound shocked or appalled, merely curious. For some reason, this pissed her off even more. She’d run into him several times after Incognito’s opening. He attended Lyla’s baby gender party and two other functions. He always made a point to come up to her and chat as if they were old friends, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Despite her one-word answers and subtle put-downs, he remained unfazed. She didn’t want to like him, but he handled Lyla with genuine affection and effortlessly riled Gavin. This should have made him her partner in crime, but it felt wrong, almost like she was betraying Vinny by enjoying his company. No one could replace her husband, but that was what Marcus had done. He replaced Vinny as COO so well that Gavin had more free time than he’d ever had and business was booming. She didn’t know how she felt about Marcus, so she avoided him to no avail. He popped up when she least expected him—like now. He was always well-groomed and annoyingly unruffled.

The urge to shock him made her say, “I need a fuck, and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. It’s a hookup, nothing more.”

She started for the door, but he stepped in front of her, eyes crinkled with concern.

“Carmen.”

She held up a hand because she could hear what was coming. “I don’t need you to tell me I’ll get past this. It’s been two years, and I’m not past it. It isn’t going away. I need to snap myself out of this. I need to feel something…”

“Carmen,” he began again with such gentleness that her alcohol-suppressed emotions began to stir.

“This is none of your business, Marcus. I know you have a big brother complex, but I can take care of myself.”

She walked around him and reached for the door handle. His hand splayed over the shiny surface, keeping the door shut.

“Is that what you really want?” he asked.

“Move,” she bit out.

He pressed against her back. The smell of his cologne wafted around her, and she stiffened as his body heat penetrated through the thin material of her slutty dress.

“I’m willing,” he said.

Her hand tightened on the door handle. She couldn’t have heard right.

“If that’s what you want, I’ll give it to you,” he said.

She turned and examined him through a haze of alcohol and misery. “What?”

“Why are you so shocked? Don’t most men want you?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said without conceit. “But you’re …”

“I’m what?”

He was Gavin’s COO. They would have to see one another after this. That defeated the purpose of a hookup. “I don’t know …”

He shifted her away from the door and placed her back against the wall. He cupped her cheek with that bold friendliness that freaked her out. This time, she didn’t move away.

“Why are you so determined to waste yourself on boys who don’t know what to do with you?” he asked.

“No one’s ever going to measure up to Vinny,” she said as his thumb rested against her bottom lip.

“No one will measure up if you’re looking at the bottom of the barrel.”

She shoved him, dislodging his hand from her face. “I’m not interested in a lecture. Hookups don’t talk, Marcus, they fuck.”

He slipped his hands into his pockets. “Do they?”

“Yes!”

His lips twitched. “It depends who you’re hooking up with.”

She bared her teeth. “I call the shots in this hookup, and I say no talking!”

He cocked his head to the side. “Is this what you’ve been doing since Vinny passed?”

She wanted to strangle him. “I haven’t been with anyone since Vinny!”

He looked appalled. “And this is how you want your first time to be?”

“Yes!”

“Carmen—”

She held up a shaking finger. “Don’t judge me! You have no idea what I’ve been through, no idea what it feels like to lose everything …”

Alcohol suffocated her emotions, but she was losing her nerve. He was making her think, and that was the last thing she needed. Vinny’s hold on her was so tight she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t function. If she didn’t break his hold on her, she would be stuck in purgatory.

Marcus stared at her. Something was going on in his eyes, but she couldn’t begin to decipher what that was. She felt very exposed under the bright lights, and this could only end in disaster. Even as the thought drifted through her mind, he nodded. He closed the distance between them and sank to his knees before her.

“If that’s what you want, I’ll give it to you,” he said.

He leaned forward and nuzzled her crotch through her dress. She went rigid as a flash of heat shot from her breasts to her pussy. Adrenaline zipped through her veins as large hands slid beneath her dress and skimmed down the backs of her thighs, knees, and lower. He lifted her foot and kissed her ankle. She sucked in a breath that was amplified in the quiet bathroom. He looked up. Their eyes connected, and her body tightened. Despite his submissive position, there was nothing shy about the way he was looking at her. Green eyes glittered with the promise of carnal satisfaction. Warmth pooled low.

“Tell me what you want, Carmen,” he murmured as he set her foot down and repeated the action with her other ankle.

He branded her knees with achingly sweet kisses and moved to her thighs.

“Your skin feels like silk. I can’t believe you would waste yourself on that boy. It’s sacrilege. You were meant to be cherished.”

Once upon a time, she had been, but that felt like ages ago. There was no use searching for the perfect man because he wasn’t out there. Vinny was her soulmate, and no one would ever fit her as well as he had. She had to learn to be satisfied with dirty, meaningless sex than hope for a mind-blowing soul connection and fall far short.

“What do you need?” he asked as his hands slipped beneath her dress and cupped her ass.

She thought he was a squeaky-clean, good boy, but he was ruining her image of him. He didn’t seem the type to agree to a bathroom hookup. Obviously, he had a secret kink, so she would take advantage of it. She would probably regret this in the future, but she was too far gone to care. “I want it hard and rough.”

“Mmmhmm.” He pulled her dress up and examined her underwear. He grinned. “You came prepared.”

“Of course.” She squirmed as he stared at her. “We don’t have all night, Fletcher.”

He smiled. “Right.”

He dipped his head, and his tongue slid over her. His hands on her ass gripped, and she angled her hips for him. The crotch less underwear she wore had been a calculated move on her part, and as his tongue slid inside her, she said a silent prayer of thanks. Pleasure unfurled inside her body, which had been in hibernation for too long. He grabbed one leg and slipped it over his shoulder, giving him better access. She closed her eyes and tipped her head back as she absorbed the feel of a man paying homage. Her body began to thaw, inch by slow inch, until the leg she was balancing on began to shake. Abruptly, she yanked his head back.

“Now,” she ordered.

“So responsive,” he crooned and kissed her quivering belly.

“Marcus,” she snapped.

He laughed as he rose. He clasped her face between his hands and kissed her. His kiss was nothing like what she shared with the prospect. He tasted earthy, tempting, with a hint of spearmint. Her heart slammed against her rib cage so hard she was afraid he could feel it. Exultation raced through her. She wasn’t sure why Marcus’s touch evoked something in her, but at the moment, she didn’t care. Desperate to feel more, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. He rubbed his erection against her while she clawed the back of his suit with her pointed fingernails.

“Now,” she panted and undid his belt and pulled down his zipper in rapid succession.

“Mmm,” he hummed and cupped her breast.

She froze. She got breast implants at twenty-one. In Vegas, this was as common as getting braces. A couple of months ago, she took them out and was now back to a B cup. Holy fuck. No one told her how sensitive her breasts would be now that they were all natural again.

“Carmen?”

“Suck me,” she whispered.

She didn’t need to ask twice. He pulled down the top of her dress and pulled her breast into his mouth. When he flicked her nipple with his tongue, she nearly gave herself a concussion when her head kicked back against the wall.

“That’s it,” she declared as she pulled his cock out of his black briefs. He was hard and ready to go, just like her.

“I don’t have a condom,” he said.

She walked to the vanity where she left her clutch and retrieved one. He looked debauched in his spiffy suit with his dick out. She sank to her knees in front of him. She always believed in repaying a favor. She licked the tip, and he exhaled. She placed sloppy kisses on the underside of his penis without breaking eye contact.

“No,” he growled.

He yanked her to her feet. He wasn’t calm or controlled now. He pinned her against the wall and lifted one leg as he tried to fit himself to her.

“Wait,” she said and showed him the condom.

“Put it on me.”

She ripped the package with her teeth and smoothed the condom over him. She couldn’t resist giving him a teasing stroke. He bared his teeth and shoved her hand away as he boosted her up with one arm. She closed her eyes. This was it. She held her breath.

“Look at me.”

The growled order took a moment to penetrate. When she obeyed, she found herself looking at a man with one thing on his mind. The lust and need in his eyes amplified her own.

“Who’s going to fuck you?” he demanded.

“Someone else if you don’t hurry,” she rasped.

He pressed against her, and she sucked in a breath. He tightened his hold on her waist when she squirmed. He wasn’t even winded from holding her up. That added to her excitement. Every girl wanted to know a man could protect her … or fuck her against a wall without dropping her.

“Who’s fucking you?” he asked again.

“You aren’t fucking me, not yet.” She closed her eyes and let out a low moan. “I can imagine that other guy fucking me just like this. I think he would—”

He embedded half his penis inside her. Her eyes flashed open as her body adjusted. Marcus stared at her, face pained as he tried to hold himself back. The force of his personality, normally concealed beneath a thick layer of civility was on full display. She was blinded by its primitive beauty.

“Marcus,” she whispered.

The corner of his mouth quirked a second before he pushed until his pubic hair pressed against her smooth pussy. Carmen dropped her head back and panted as his cock, which stretched her just right, made itself at home. Vibrators and dildos did nothing for her. She needed a pulsing, warm cock, skin to skin contact, a man breathing against her neck, and hands digging into her hips. She needed the real deal. The slut who had been under lock and key for far too long urged her to cover his face with kisses. Instead, she wrapped a hand around his nape and tugged on his hair.

“Fuck me,” she ordered.

He withdrew and slid home easily. She trembled with need. He closed his eyes. It was clear he was in ecstasy. The hands gripping her ass were going to leave bruises, but she didn’t care.

He spread her thighs wide and began to move.

“Say my name,” he ordered.

“Marcus.” She would say whatever he wanted as long as he didn’t stop. “Harder.”

He obeyed and began to hammer her into the wall. She felt battered and dirty and loved it. She looked over his shoulder at a full-length mirror. Her inner muscles milked him. He grunted, dug his fingers into her flesh, and fucked her even faster.

Carmen examined their reflection. Her heels bounced with each thrust, and the image of her legs splayed wide for him was titillating. He buried his face against her neck, and she wrapped her arms around him and held on for dear life. Her gaze moved over his flexing ass, her nails clawing his back, and then her face. Tears streamed down her face. She released a handful of his suit to touch her cheek, not convinced the mirror was telling the truth. Her fingers came away wet.

She watched her face crumple in the mirror with dazed confusion. Grief flooded her, shutting down her senses one by one. Her limbs became heavy, and all that wonderful lust, excitement, and anticipation dried up in a nanosecond. The conscience she drowned in alcohol coughed up vodka and began to scream at her that this wasn’t right—that she was still in love and cheating on Vinny’s memory. She buried her face against Marcus’s shoulder and hung on tight, willing his presence to banish the pain.

He stopped. “Carmen?”

She was trembling like a leaf in a storm. She clutched him desperately when he tried to draw back. “P-please.”

“What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

He was trying to draw away, and that was the last thing she wanted. A muffled sob escaped, and he went rigid. Despite her clutching limbs, he firmly extracted himself from her. She felt velvet beneath her butt as he settled her on a chaise in front of the vanity.

“Did I hurt you?”

She shook her head and tried to wipe away the tears. “I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She wrapped her arms around herself as she began to rock. Her heart was being savaged by guilt and more pain than she could stand.

“I need alcohol,” she said as her breath hitched. Oh, God. This couldn’t be happening.

“I think you’ve had enough.”

She reached out and clutched the lapels of his suit. “If you get me alcohol, we can finish. I can do this. I need to do this.”

“You need to go home. Did you come with anyone?”

His detached tone told her he was done. The moment had passed. She bowed her head and clamped her thighs together. “Alice.”

He moved away from her. She heard the rasp of clothing, the clink of his belt, and then a zipper. She bowed her head as mortification consumed her. Oh, God, she was an epic failure on so many levels.

“Alice, Carmen’s in the VIP bathroom. Can you take her home? She’s drunk and not feeling well. Yes. I’ll meet you at the entrance.”

There was a stark silence after he hung up. She cringed, waiting for the hail of insults or disparaging comments. She deserved them. She lured one man in here with the sole purpose of getting laid, only to have Marcus take his place and then cry all over him during what would have been spectacular sex. How pathetic was she? Her husband had been gone for two years and her first attempt to exorcise him ended in tears. She wished she could go back to feeling nothing. Shame wasn’t better than grief.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked.

Carmen shook her head.

“I’m sorry.”

His polite apology made her flinch. This was her fault, not his. Even as she opened her mouth to reciprocate, she heard the soft snick of the door closing behind him. She buried her face in her hands as she drowned in humiliation and self-loathing.

“Carmen?”

The smell of fresh flowers reached her a second before Alice did. Desperate for human contact and a safe place, she wrapped her arms around her friend.

“Are you all right?” Alice asked as she rubbed her back.

Carmen nodded since she wasn’t capable of speech at the moment.

“Can you walk?”

She nodded again.

“Good. Marcus says there’s a back exit.”

Alice helped her stand. She wobbled for a moment on her hooker heels and then steadied.

“Um …” Alice brushed her dress down.

She didn’t have the energy to be embarrassed over Alice seeing her crotch less underwear. Alice put an arm around her waist, which wasn’t necessary, but it felt nice, so she leaned against her. Whey they exited, they came face to face with the bathroom attendant.

“Oh my gosh! What happened?” the bathroom attendant exclaimed.

“Aren’t you supposed to be inside the bathroom, not outside?” Alice asked sharply.

“I paid her to stand outside,” she said wearily and directed Alice toward the exit for VIPs.

“Why would you do that?”

“I was being stupid.”

“How?”

She didn’t answer. They approached the exit, which was guarded by a bouncer. He took one look at Carmen’s face and opened the door. Crying was bad for business, after all. They walked into the casino. Despite the late hour, it was brimming with people. Normally, crowds didn’t blip on her radar, but right now facing a host of gawking strangers was the last thing she wanted.

As if Alice could read her mind, she said, “Here, let’s go through the employee exit. Are you feeling sick?”

“No,” she said and kept her head bowed as Alice navigated through the casino.

“I’m not going to let you drive. Where do you live?”

Her mother didn’t need to see her looking a hot mess. “Can I crash at your place?”

“Of course.”

Alice led her through the employee hallways to the parking garage and helped her into the passenger seat of a yellow VW Beetle. She clamped her legs together as the space between her legs pulsed.

“Why did you pay the bathroom attendant to stand outside?” Alice asked as she backed out of her stall. “For that matter, how did Marcus know you were in the bathroom in the first place?”

Those stupid tears were coming back. She hiccupped and covered her face with her hands.

Alice patted her knee. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. Just rest.”

Carmen huddled against the car door and moaned as her conscience savaged her. By the time they reached Alice’s apartment, she was crying uncontrollably. Alice spoke to her in a soothing tone reserved for children and helped her out of her shoes and dress and handed her a nightgown covered in rabbits. Alice wiped away her makeup and settled beside her on a flowery sofa.

“You shouldn’t drink so much,” Alice chided gently as she stroked her hair.

“I can’t stand it,” she whispered.

“Stand what?”

“The pain.”

“Your husband?”

More tears fell. “I love him so much. I don’t know how to go on without him.”

“I’m sorry, Carmen.”

An echo of Marcus’s words and once more, unnecessary. “I’ll get past it.” She had to. There was no alternative.